Plastic Surgery

Earlier this week, the newly refurbished Amy Wino checked herself into the clinic, because she had a strange reaction to some over-the-counter cold medication she was taking. According to her daddy, Wino didn't have a leaky nose, bitch just had another leaky boob in her life (the other being her father).

While filming his new TV show (don't get any ideas, Michael Lohan), Mitch Wino set the record straight about why Wino was laid up in the hospital, "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (Mitch points to his chest) leaky something or other."

Wino's titty wasn't leaking, it was crying tears of pain due to Mitch Wino always staring them down while playing with something in his pocket. My nipple is crying just thinking about it. Or maybe I just had too much soy milk with my rum last night.

One of Wino's friends told The Mirror that her crack ball did indeed CRACK, "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

Um. Wino has already been declared a toxic zone by the Department of Health, so if strange substances weren't oozing out of Wino's pores, THAT be cause for concern.

And I'm surprised Wino was worried at all. I would think she would just scrape up the silicone jizz, throw it on a spoon, take a lighter to it and smoke it up.

via The Sun

When Nicole Kidman hit the red carpet with Keith Urban at the CMAs the other night, some people made the sign of the cross and hissed at her face. Basically, everyone thought her lips looked like something you'd find swimming in the waters of Lake Karachay (aka the most toxic spot on Earth).

One witness told Page Six, "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan."

Personally, I thought Nicole kind of looked like she breathed oxygen for once. If she was a flower, she'd still be of the plastic variety, but she's not the second coming of Jocelyn Wildenstein. Yet. She still has time for that.

Nicole's titty situation on the other hand..... Those things looked like two babies being smothered! Someone should have called Child Protective Services. Unless, such a thing as Chichis Protective Services exists?

Amy Wino already got a replica of CoCo's ass balls implanted on her chest, and now she wants a matching pair for her butt area. That's what one of her friends told The Sun.

Apparently, Wino has traded in her addiction for the bad shit for a new addiction to plastic surgery. Wino has been blabbing about that she's so in lust with her new titty sacks that she's ready to get her ass pumped Kardashian-sized. Some source said, "Amy loves her boobs. She can't stop touching them and showing them off to friends. She says she feels womanly again and wants to be more curvy like she used to be. She thinks by having another op and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look."

Wino just got rid of one gigantic ass and now she wants another?! While I was on board with Wino's transformation from creature of the crackhouse to the star of MTV's "Becoming Jodie Marsh," I don't know if I can co-sign her getting breast implants on her ass. First of all, bitch's asshole is probably going to suffocate and that's sad. Second of all, does she really wants to look like Gargamel's head on Jessica Rabbit's body? Actually, that sounds kind of hot. Carry on, crackie!

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

When one of the paps asked Amy Wino about her brand new silicrack-filled breast implants, she pulled a Nicole Kidman by saying, "What operation?" To be fair, Wino has the memory of a stoned goldfish, so if she had Ziploc bags installed in her chest area, she would never ever remember.

And it's a good thing Wino's body is permanently in a state of numbness from all the bad shit running through her veins, because I doubt she can feel the pain from one of her implants leaking in the picture above. Phew.

The paps also asked Wino about why she's wearing a "Blaaaake's Girl" shirt, but she wouldn't say a word. I'm sure it means nothing. It was the only shirt on Wino's floor that wasn't covered in crusty wig glue, Jack Daniels-flavored vomit and wet ciggie ash.

Here's Wino actually looking good (no sarcasm here) while trolling around London this morning.

Yesterday, a rumor went around the internets that Amy Wino prodded and pumped up her tittays from a 32B to a 32D. Well, here's Wino arriving at THE CLINIC (DUN DUN DUN) last night, and I don't have Dr. 90210 by my side so I'm not sure if the rumors are true. I mean, they look like a little more chichilicious, but she could've just hid a few 8-balls in there. Or maybe she finally ate something that didn't come from a glass pipe and it went straight to her boobies?

And I think we all need to go to church this morning after discussing Wino's titties in depth. You bring the rosaries, I'll bring the hooch!

Last night, Wino sang back-up to her 13-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield on Strictly Come Dancing. Most are saying that Wino looked drunker than a Hasselhoff and was a complete wreck, because she didn't know the moves. For me, if Wino isn't stumbling around like Tommy Girl after a butt orgy, I'm a little concerned. I mean, this IS Wino we're talking about. Besides, she didn't bite anyone's cheek off or burn anyone's skin off with her toxic loogies. That's an achievement for Wino. Performance beeeeelow:

The Sun is saying that Amy Wino went off to a clinic in London last week, and not because she had the drug ills. No, they say she went in to get a pair of £35,000 plastic titty sacks installed in her chest area.

One source said that Wino has gone from a 32B to a 32D, "She looks amazing, like a new woman. Amy told us she wanted a new look - it's all part of her fresh start for her big comeback. We all feared she'd fallen off the wagon when she came in. Then we saw her bouncing around with these huge boobs which stand out as she's so tiny and skinny."

Apparently, Wino decided to pump up the volume on her chichis for her big comeback (AGAIN) on tonight's Strictly Come Dancing. Wino will sing back-up for her 13-year-old protege and goddaughter Dionne Bromfield. But since this is Wino we're yapping about, there's a chance she may not even show up.

While I am a big fan of oversized Tupperware titty balls, I'm not sure if this was a wise move for Wino. I mean, how is she going to slap bitches and chase after paps with two giant fake breasts in her way? Although, maybe Wino had a genius idea and filled her sacks with silicoke. When Wino squeezes a nipple, out comes a dollop of the bad shit. Expect Blohan to get a pair in 3..2..

If you Google "Demi Moore plastic surgery" you'll find several stories and pictures detailing Demi Moore's journey down the plastic surgery highway. A couple of years ago, the Daily Mail even ran a story about how Demi dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on a complete plastic surgery makeover including getting her knees de-wrinkled. Well, Demi once again claims that all of these accusations are made out of one hundred percent LIES, because she's never had anything done. If your eyeballs didn't roll right out of your head, hold them tight, because they just might do that after reading Demi's version of the truth. Keep the phrase "BITCH STOP" waiting in the wings....

Demi told French Marie Claire (via The Telegraph), "It's completely false, I've never had it done. But I would never judge those who have. If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem." Demi went on to yap that she's not a fan of plastic surgery, "It's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy. That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty."

Oh, Demi! This game is fun! You know, I didn't just gobble down two powdered donuts. No, that was an organic apple and a boiled egg (whites only). And no, I didn't spend my entire night bonging and boozing. No, I spent it mediating and trying to find my chi (SPOILER ALERT: It was in my bong). See, isn't that a fun game. We can all play along with Demi!

Why doesn't Demi just admit this shit? Yeah, she's not the second coming of Donatella Versace, but she has definitely spent a little quality time with the scalpel. Methinks they might be lovers.

I mean, what does Demi have to say about this:

Let me guess, Demi was sunbathing topless and the wind just happened to blow two silicone-filled plastic sacks into her nipple holes?

Naomi Campbell isn't the only supermodel who can cause a bitch to sleep with a baseball bat underneath their bed! Karen Mulder can play that game too. Karen was arrested in Paris yesterday for threatening to whoop her plastic surgeon's ass. The Daily Mail says that 39-year-old Karen told her plastic surgeon to reverse a surgery, but her doctor refused. Instead of flying to Brazil to have the work done there like any normal person would do, Karen got on the phone and made threats.

A French detective (picture Olivier Martinez without pants on to make this quote more interesting) said, "She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed."

Karen is no stranger to crazy. She spent some time in a psychiatric hospital after she lost it during a TV interview. In the interview, Karen said she was used as a sex slave during her modeling days and said that her father used to hypnotize her when she was little. Her father blamed her lunacy on ze drugs....

Wait. Hold up. You can end up in handcuffs if you threaten and scream at a ho over the phone!? Please don't tell Mah Boo's doorman about this.

Posh can walk to her car without toppling forward, because The Sun says she has had her enormous Ziploc titty bags removed.

This is apparently the third time Posh has tinkered with her chest area. In 1999, she took her natural 34A breasts to 34D. Two years later, she pumped them even more and took her breasts to a 34DD. A source said that Posh was sick of looking like she was produced at the Katie Price factory, so she went under the knife three weeks ago. Posh feels that her new shrunken chichis fit with her new image as classy fashion designer, mother of three and robot praying mantis.

It must be a relief for Becks, because now he can titty fuck her without breaking his boner. And I'm sure her old implants are more than happy at their new home, a bowling alley.