Plastic Surgery

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

When one of the paps asked Amy Wino about her brand new silicrack-filled breast implants, she pulled a Nicole Kidman by saying, "What operation?" To be fair, Wino has the memory of a stoned goldfish, so if she had Ziploc bags installed in her chest area, she would never ever remember.

And it's a good thing Wino's body is permanently in a state of numbness from all the bad shit running through her veins, because I doubt she can feel the pain from one of her implants leaking in the picture above. Phew.

The paps also asked Wino about why she's wearing a "Blaaaake's Girl" shirt, but she wouldn't say a word. I'm sure it means nothing. It was the only shirt on Wino's floor that wasn't covered in crusty wig glue, Jack Daniels-flavored vomit and wet ciggie ash.

Here's Wino actually looking good (no sarcasm here) while trolling around London this morning.

Yesterday, a rumor went around the internets that Amy Wino prodded and pumped up her tittays from a 32B to a 32D. Well, here's Wino arriving at THE CLINIC (DUN DUN DUN) last night, and I don't have Dr. 90210 by my side so I'm not sure if the rumors are true. I mean, they look like a little more chichilicious, but she could've just hid a few 8-balls in there. Or maybe she finally ate something that didn't come from a glass pipe and it went straight to her boobies?

And I think we all need to go to church this morning after discussing Wino's titties in depth. You bring the rosaries, I'll bring the hooch!

Last night, Wino sang back-up to her 13-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield on Strictly Come Dancing. Most are saying that Wino looked drunker than a Hasselhoff and was a complete wreck, because she didn't know the moves. For me, if Wino isn't stumbling around like Tommy Girl after a butt orgy, I'm a little concerned. I mean, this IS Wino we're talking about. Besides, she didn't bite anyone's cheek off or burn anyone's skin off with her toxic loogies. That's an achievement for Wino. Performance beeeeelow:

The Sun is saying that Amy Wino went off to a clinic in London last week, and not because she had the drug ills. No, they say she went in to get a pair of £35,000 plastic titty sacks installed in her chest area.

One source said that Wino has gone from a 32B to a 32D, "She looks amazing, like a new woman. Amy told us she wanted a new look - it's all part of her fresh start for her big comeback. We all feared she'd fallen off the wagon when she came in. Then we saw her bouncing around with these huge boobs which stand out as she's so tiny and skinny."

Apparently, Wino decided to pump up the volume on her chichis for her big comeback (AGAIN) on tonight's Strictly Come Dancing. Wino will sing back-up for her 13-year-old protege and goddaughter Dionne Bromfield. But since this is Wino we're yapping about, there's a chance she may not even show up.

While I am a big fan of oversized Tupperware titty balls, I'm not sure if this was a wise move for Wino. I mean, how is she going to slap bitches and chase after paps with two giant fake breasts in her way? Although, maybe Wino had a genius idea and filled her sacks with silicoke. When Wino squeezes a nipple, out comes a dollop of the bad shit. Expect Blohan to get a pair in 3..2..

If you Google "Demi Moore plastic surgery" you'll find several stories and pictures detailing Demi Moore's journey down the plastic surgery highway. A couple of years ago, the Daily Mail even ran a story about how Demi dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on a complete plastic surgery makeover including getting her knees de-wrinkled. Well, Demi once again claims that all of these accusations are made out of one hundred percent LIES, because she's never had anything done. If your eyeballs didn't roll right out of your head, hold them tight, because they just might do that after reading Demi's version of the truth. Keep the phrase "BITCH STOP" waiting in the wings....

Demi told French Marie Claire (via The Telegraph), "It's completely false, I've never had it done. But I would never judge those who have. If it's the best thing for them, then I don't see a problem." Demi went on to yap that she's not a fan of plastic surgery, "It's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy. That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty."

Oh, Demi! This game is fun! You know, I didn't just gobble down two powdered donuts. No, that was an organic apple and a boiled egg (whites only). And no, I didn't spend my entire night bonging and boozing. No, I spent it mediating and trying to find my chi (SPOILER ALERT: It was in my bong). See, isn't that a fun game. We can all play along with Demi!

Why doesn't Demi just admit this shit? Yeah, she's not the second coming of Donatella Versace, but she has definitely spent a little quality time with the scalpel. Methinks they might be lovers.

I mean, what does Demi have to say about this:

Let me guess, Demi was sunbathing topless and the wind just happened to blow two silicone-filled plastic sacks into her nipple holes?

Naomi Campbell isn't the only supermodel who can cause a bitch to sleep with a baseball bat underneath their bed! Karen Mulder can play that game too. Karen was arrested in Paris yesterday for threatening to whoop her plastic surgeon's ass. The Daily Mail says that 39-year-old Karen told her plastic surgeon to reverse a surgery, but her doctor refused. Instead of flying to Brazil to have the work done there like any normal person would do, Karen got on the phone and made threats.

A French detective (picture Olivier Martinez without pants on to make this quote more interesting) said, "She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed."

Karen is no stranger to crazy. She spent some time in a psychiatric hospital after she lost it during a TV interview. In the interview, Karen said she was used as a sex slave during her modeling days and said that her father used to hypnotize her when she was little. Her father blamed her lunacy on ze drugs....

Wait. Hold up. You can end up in handcuffs if you threaten and scream at a ho over the phone!? Please don't tell Mah Boo's doorman about this.

Posh can walk to her car without toppling forward, because The Sun says she has had her enormous Ziploc titty bags removed.

This is apparently the third time Posh has tinkered with her chest area. In 1999, she took her natural 34A breasts to 34D. Two years later, she pumped them even more and took her breasts to a 34DD. A source said that Posh was sick of looking like she was produced at the Katie Price factory, so she went under the knife three weeks ago. Posh feels that her new shrunken chichis fit with her new image as classy fashion designer, mother of three and robot praying mantis.

It must be a relief for Becks, because now he can titty fuck her without breaking his boner. And I'm sure her old implants are more than happy at their new home, a bowling alley.

Not only is Jacko's face falling apart, but so is his ear! The Daily Mail points out that Jacko's ear can't take his fugness anymore, so it's slowly eating itself! No, apparently doctors butchered his ears for cartilage to save his wrecked nose. That means he's got an nose-ear on his face!

So now you know that the next time you need to tell Jacko a secret, whisper into his nose. Womp, womp. I'll see myself out.

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

Denise Richards was on Howard Stern's Sirius show yesterday and he asked her the obligatory question: "Are your breasts real?" This ho was married to Charlie Sheen. Charlie won't fuck with a trick unless she's got silicone marinating in her chesticle area. The truest thing you'll hear all hour.

Denise admitted to Howard that her buh-bees had been touched by a surgeon's knife three times. Once, twice, three time fake titties....

Denise said, "Um, natural on outside, on the inside they are not. I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought, 'Whoa, you can just buy them,' and stupidly had them done!" Denise thought her new leased chichis were too big, so she went under again to get them downsized, "The next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good -- they were a D!"

She went in a third time and now she's happy, "I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don't do it!"

Okay, I know Denise isn't the biggest anal bead on the string (that wasn't supposed to make sense), but what the hell kind of GD garage plastic surgeon did she go to the second time?! She wanted smaller, but he gave her bigger?! Did he inject crystal soil jelly from the swap meet into her chichis too?!

I'm also going to take a wild guess when I say that Denise's second booby surgeon is probably her current make-up artist and hairdresser. Here's everyone's favorite former pussy merchant out in NYC yesterday looking like Miss Piggy working the child beauty pageant circuit after a crash diet. This is not the look.