Lily Allen

So....Lily Allen has done a classy cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah," because covering sugary pop songs in a moody way makes you look like a true artiste who can make any old song sound like a musical masterpiece. Or something like that. Don't get me wrong, Lily's voice is a millions Frapps better than Brit's computerized Wall-E warble, but it's "Woomanizah" not "Womanizer." Lily's saying it all wrong. "Womanizer" doesn't bring up images of Brit Brit chasing Chester Cheetah around with a broken off tree branch.

Hopefully, Lily's cover is one of the last we'll ever hear again, because this song is still taking up precious rental space in my head. (UPDATE: And here's LadyHawke's version..... Make it stop! She sounds like she's running a fucking marathon barefoot while singing this shit.)

This song needs to be wheeled away to Shady Pines where it will spend the afternoons playing shuffleboard and spend its nights participating in coke-fuelled orgies (they totally do that shit in retirement homes).

Okay, I just listened to Lily's version again and I....might....like....it. No!!! That song needs to be gone from mah head!

And here's a few pictures of the little Cheetoling arriving in Tokyo yesterday. I double checked to make sure there was a Starbucks in Japan, because I feared for her health. And I also threw in some pics of Lily with the Abominable Snowman's dick bush on her head while shopping in London yesterday.

Lily Allen was outside some GQ party in London last night looking like a shaky low-tier 80s call girl going through withdrawals while waiting for her dealer to show up. Basically, I love this look. Lily probably heard about Betty Boop being made into a Broadway musical, so she decided to pay homage with her "disco Betty Boop hits rock bottom" look. Hot.

Michael Lohan has been relatively quiet lately. I figured he finally took everyone's advice and stuck a dick in it for good. Well, Michael must have eaten a suppository this weekend, but he was back to spewing verbal diarrhea. He shot off an e-mail to x17online.com and called SamRo a "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity." That's a compliment where I come from. If he said that to me, I'd thank him with a cunty curtsy.

Michael also accused SamRo of writing HoHan's MySpace blogs. That might be the case, but HoHan is probably busy sitting on SamRo's face. Yes. SamRo can eat a skin burger and blog at the same time! Talent!

He went on to suggest that SamRo wipes her vag with a cardboard toilet paper roll. "Have you ever seen her apartment? For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand)."

I never thought of using a cardboard roll before. When I'm over someone's house and they don't have tp, I either use their hand towels or the bathroom rug. And if either of those things aren't available, I turn their sink into a bidet! I'll have to remember the cardboard roll. Those lezzies are so smart!

Of course, HoHan had to respond to her devil daddy. She wrote an e-mail to Page Six saying SamRo is not evil and that she's in a great place...blah...blah...blah.. She also said: "My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking."

HoHan, it's times like this when a simple "STFU" will do as a response. Better yet, ignore the loon and let him self-destruct on his own.

Here's HoHan and her cardboard-roll-loving girlfriend walking around Los Angeles the other day.

Lily Allen is now video blogging and she needs to learn how to do that shit with her mouth closed! She's eating her lunch while talking about boring shit and I swear I can practically see her food going down her throat. If I look close enough I can see her digesting it. That is not right.

Lily ends the video by saying she's going to get a colonic and she's a bit scares. Oh, it's nothing. It's the same thing as sticking a water pick up your ass. I mean, somebody told me that. Don't ask me who. I forgot. Shut up.

Below are some pictures of Lily buying dishes in London yesterday. I know. You're really going to need to take some heart medication after reading this shit Too much fucking excitement for one post.

Lily Allen and Elton John had a little kitten fight (clip above) at the GQ Awards in London the other night. The fight looks about as real as Elton's hair. Lily still felt the need to defend herself on MySpace. She said she's very good friends with Elton and the media is just raining on her champagne parade. Here's some of the shit she wrote.

Hi , now it's all died down i'm saying my side of what I can't believe is considered to be a story. Elton john and I are friends. I was honoured when Elton asked me to present the GQ awards with him this year in association with Elton's AIDS foundation. Not only was it for a good cause but who would say no to Elton.

I'm not defending my drunkeness because i don't need to, i'm 23 it was an awards ceremony i drank the free champagne, how awful of me. Trying to create a feud on the other hand, and trying to make me out as being some rude little girl with a drink problem is just unfair, Elton and I exchanged jokes and there were no hard feelings at all, infact neither of us gave it a second thought. It's sad that an evening enjoyed by all had to ruined by some bitter journos again.This isn't meant to be a place for me to respond to journalists, but I am very grateful I have this page, if i didn't then i would have absolutely no voice when it comes to this stuff.

All these showbiz journalists are just bullies when it comes down to it. I have felt really very bullied this week.I realise that when i first started this job I slagged a few people off when I probably shouldn't have and I have been opinionated about some things, but i haven't said a bad word about anyone for a long time, even when I have wanted to, even when people have tried to start feuds and said horrible things about me when they'd never even met me, when they'd based an opinion on me because of something they'd read. It's hurtful, but it's fine if you want to print a picture of me and say how awful I look, how much weight i've put on or how terrible my choice of clothes were that day. In my opinion it's still a form of bullying and if anyone spoke to any of my friends like that to their faces i'd want to kill them. But character assasination is another thing it's just not needed.

She ends her post by telling all the photographers outside her house to "fuck off," because she's not coming out anytime soon. That's her hangover typing. Yes, she's 23 and can drink as much as she wants, but the bitch was doing a job. If I showed up wasted to my job every morn ------ bad example. The point is she needs to stop moaning, because she's starting to sound like a bitter, constipated grouch. Basically, she's sounding like me and that's not a compliment.

Lily, have another glass of champagne, but mix it with peach juice this time. That shit will sweeten you up and make you smile.

Lily Allen needs to stay away from open bars. She's a grouchy drunk ass bitch! Nobody likes an angry boozer. They always have the worst smelling breath. Dog ass breath! Last night, Lily attended the GQ Awards in London and took advantage of the free champagne. Bitch got tanked....and mouthy!

Lily co-hosted the awards with Elton John and her drinking quickly made his saggy balls itch. Elton, being the bitchy old queen that he is, wouldn't let it go. When Lily told the audience: “And now to the most important part of the night." Elton quickly replied: “What? Are you going to have another drink?” Two snaps and a dildo slap!

Lily didn't let Elton get the last laugh. She answered him back: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!” Yeah, and it ain't going to be pretty.

Instead of slapping the ho in the teeth, Elton fired back: “I could still snort you under the table.” It ended with Lily saying: “Fuck off. I don't know what you are talking about.” Lily didn't know what he was talking about, but I'm sure the cokey booger sitting in her nose did.

I love it when two annoying dykes start bickering. I bet Lily was tottering around, trying to hold her vomit. She probably stomped offstage, grabbed Elton by his wig and shouted: "Yooouuuu knooow whaaat you'reeeee prooooblmeee issss?!" Seriously, Lily needs to stick to soda water and wafers. Angry drunks are almost worse than emotional drunks! Don't even get me started on those wet cry babies!

I think Elton and Lily should settle this with a cocaine snort-a-thon! My Monopoly money is on Elton! Lily has already proven that she can't handle her shit like a champ!

Here's some pictures of Lily before the drunken madness. Although, she might have been drinking at home. Methinks she forgot to brush the curls out of her mop. This is some "Thelma Harper" shit!

The supreme deliciousness known as In-N-Out is on the cover of Paper Magazine. Oh, and Lily Allen is on the cover too. She probably didn't even take a bite out of that shit. She just posed with it and then threw it in the garbage. It's not right. It's not okay.

Lily also had an interview with the magazine. But who cares about that?! Well, in case you do, here's bits of it. Read that shit while I lick my computer screen.

Lily on drugs: "I'm not gonna say I'm never gonna do drugs again. I just know I'm not a good person on drugs."

Lily on being drunk as fuck during an awards show: "I can't believe I got in that state...Because it is totally not in my repertoire to do something like that. I'm actually a bit of control freak"

Lily on music: "I wake up every day and think I'm actually pretty bad at it. I work hard at getting better. But if this record flops, I'll probably go back to school. I've always liked architecture."

I've had enough! Will someone please just Fed-Ex me a double double! I don't care if it's moldy or covered in E. coli. I've eaten worse!

Lily Allen was out getting wasted in London last night with a bunch of bitches, when some French ho tried to kill her buzz by calling her a bunch of names. Lily and her friends left a club and were trying to find their car when the French ho called her a "fucking asshole." Lily, being the lady that she is, responded with, "Yeah, come and say that to my face you fucking cunt!" Nice use of the "cunt word." 10 points for Lily!

Lily then decided she wasn't going to wait for Frenchie to come to her. She turned around and tried to punch the ho three times. I don't know if she ever made contact. Lily needed to put down that ciggie and hit the bitch like a champ! Frenchie just stood there, laughing at her ass! 20 points for Frenchie! Lily is trying to sock her in the baguette and Frenchie thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. That's why I love booze. It has the ability to make everything hilarious!

After that public display of embarrassment, Lily walked away but kept shouting at Frenchie.

What's in the air in London that makes all these girls want to slap a ho? I should move to London. I can walk down the street, bitch slapping skanks left and right. When the police ask me to explain my actions, I'll say, "I can't. Blame it on the London air!"

Here's a few more of Lily making a fool of herself by trying to punch the French hyena. The Sun also has video of the incident. Oh and some of these pictures have a little nipple action in them.

It's always strange to me when I have to black out a nipple on my main picture. I know I have to do it, because most bosses would frown upon seeing a breast hanging out of a chick's shirt.

I hardly black nips out on thumbnails (e-mail me if that's ever a problem), because you can't really see anything unless you pull a Renee Zellweger. It's not like Lily Allen's nipple is fucking a raw asshole on a burning cross. I mean, they're just nipples! Most of us have them. Although, mine have been looking a bit wonky lately. A bit chewed up and spit out. Literally. They need a good ice soak. But that's not the point! Nipples are harmless. Talk to your boss about that and tell me what he says.

And here's some pictures of Lily's breast with an exposed nipple on it. The thing was popping out all day. That's what happens when you don't wear a bra. She also cleaned up her pepaw's front yard earlier in the day. Yes, it's a slow gossip day.......

Lily Allen heard my pleas and finally got rid of that stale ass cotton candy mop. It was seriously starting to look like Jem's pussy bush.

Now, I'm not sure about the doody brown color or the janky ass weave, but a change is a change. She also needs to dump those clip-on bangs in the nearest trash can.

Okay, I change my mind. I hate it. Lily, please bring back Jem's pussy bush!