Lily Allen

Lily Allen needs to stop throwing fists and use her hands to throw this whole entire fugness on her body into the incinerator. Or at least donate it to a local memaw who will know the correct way to wear the fuck out of this ensemble. This really does look like an elderly ho's stoop sale busted a load all over Lily.

That sweater dress doesn't belong on a person. It belongs on a pillow on the sofa in some old queen's Palm Spring's vacation home with a bison frise named "Frances Ethel Gumm" chewing at it. And I can't even comment on the FUGGS in the room. My feelings on that subject have been heard loud and LOUDER.

This is Lily leaving some hotel in London with a smile on her face, because a court ordered a couple of pappies to stop bothering her ass. On Thursday, Lily attacked some pappies with her hands and a water bottle after they knocked into her car. There were reports that if the pappies decided to cry to the police about it, Lily could lose her US Visa which would mean her US tour would be canceled. Her spokeswhore said the tour has not been affected at all.

Lily's lawyer issued this statement yesterday: "In a court hearing that took place this afternoon, my client, Lily Allen, has resolved issues surrounding her constant harassment with two picture agencies and has also obtained from the High Court an injunction restraining further harassment of her by other paparazzi photographers."

But yet Lily is free to continue to harass our eyes with outfits that should never see the light of anything. The world is not a fair place.

File this under: This bitch needs to spend some time with her bong (and her stylist needs to spend less time with it).

Lily Allen got pap slappy in London today. Homegirl went crazy on a mob of pappies after one of them bumped into her car. Bitch got out of her car, flew a water bottle at one pap and then slapped at another. Right Hook Lily had to be taken away by her security.

You know, I would be filled with all sorts of anger if I was wearing that shit. JUST LOOK. Scan your eyes down. If your eyes haven't burned off, you know what the real crime here is. Ug-Ug-UGGGGGGGS!!!! And she's actually slapping something else while wearing FUGGS! Bitch needs to turn that fist around and hit herself! Hit herself in the damn eyes for wearing that shit. Then she needs to punch at those FUGGS, rip them off and douse them in water. Lock this ho up and throw away the key. The act of Fuggery is a criminal offense!

Looking at this whole outfit is making me want to whoop a trick. And I love how her security guard is just thinking "This bitch again...." as he slowly pulls her away.

Lily Allen is part-time banging Tom Dinsdale of Audio Bullys (dude above, duh) and she's pretty proud of his first class peen.

During an interview with Q Magazine (via The Sun), Lily tongued him in front of the interviewer. Later when she was alone with the reporter she said, “The hunk in my kitchen. Well, he’s hot. He’s cute, isn’t he? I had a sleep-over two nights ago and he came along. Quite young, for me. What d’you wanna know? How big his cock is? It’s very nice.”

Lily is practically sending out an invitation to the world to please sample her dude's top shelf dick because it's stellar. When you've got yourself some good dick, you don't broadcast it to every slut out there. There's a lot of peen-hungry vultures who are always on the look out for dick that counts!

Instead, you tell bitches that shit is whacked. You tell them that he's got a 2-inch narcoleptic peen that's covered in hairy warts with urethra lips that rival Lisa Rinna's mouth roids. You don't want whores sniffing at your goods. Damn, Lily. For the sake of your future orgasms, keep that shit to yourself.

Image: Mr. Paparazzi

Lily Allen twittered about her new RiRi-certified finger tattoo that she got last night. Yeah, I don't know if she was paying homage to Princess RiRi of the Universe of if she thought she was being clever? This is definitely filed under "Stupid crap you might do when you're on the bad shit." It's in Lily's eyes.

If she got a "for banging only" tattoo on that finger, I might be into it, but this right here is not doing it for me.

And why do I really want to stick that "shhh" finger up her nose in the picture above. It kind of wants to go in.

VIA ONTD

A shit load of snow busted all over London this morning! This is exactly what it looks like when Amy Wino sneezes. And I bet Kate Moss thought she fucking died and gone to cokey heaven. Bitch ran outside with a cut-off straw and was ready for a snort party.

Anyway, this is the heaviest snowfall London has seen in like 18 years. This shit has fucked up traffic and closed down shows. It also brought out Lily Allen in her polar bear dick bush hat for a good old-fashioned snowball fight.

You know, snowball fights are a barrel of fucking laughs when you're a willing participant. But the last time it majorly snowed in NYC, I was walking down the street trying hard not to bust my ass, when a gang of drunk whores spilled out of a bar for a snowball fight. Those fucktards starting throwing balls at anyone who walked by. My stupid ass wore the wrong shoes, so I couldn't run for it. I had to carefully dodge that shit while calling them all cunts! That made them throw bigger balls at me. It wasn't not funny! I mean, I love a big white load to the face, but not like that!

I've seen Lily Allen's greatest accomplishment, her third nipple, when she flashed it on her talk show a little while ago, but she did it again in some interview. The Dutch dude asked her about it, so she gave it up and showed him the goods. She also added that it "gets hard when you touch it." Now that's a real talent.

But does a third nipple get all tingly when someone pinches it or does it just sit there with no purpose like my Wii Fit board does under my couch? Do you rub your third nippy hoping it'll make you feel wet in your party zone, but instead you feel nothing. Would it be like having a shallow no-no hole to nowhere? Torture!

And I think Lily's Homer Simpson tattoo is more disturbing. She should've gotten Selma & Patty instead.

VIA The Sun

We need to work on making Lily Allen a U.S. Citizen so that she can become our new Surgeon General instead of that TV doctor, because she knows what's really good and bad for us. Take cocaine for instance? It's not that bad! That's what Dr. Lily claims. She opened up her rant trap again and defended the evil doer known as cocaine.

Lily said, “The only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you - you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true. I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work. But we never hear that side of the story. I wish people wouldn’t sensationalize it. Some people are just bad at taking drugs.”

Lily should really teach a class in our grade schools about how to take drugs "the good way."

I'll admit that my nose has danced with the white fairies once or twice or a hundred times. Hey, it was the 80s! I was in kindergarten. It was the thing to do in the sandbox. Seriously, I dabbled with that shit and I'm not a dealer, a rapist or a postit.... Wait. Define "prostitute."

And don't mind Lily! It's just the coke that's making her babble. Throw a few lines her way, and she'll shut it.

Lily Allen has done a good thing. She went out and caught herself a big bag of money! Sure, Lily has her own cash, but a wise woman named Lil' Kim once told me: "Why spend mine when I can spend yours." That's the truth in eight little words and a period.

23-year-old Lily has been frolicking all over St. Barts with one Jay Jopling. He's worth kagillions! 45-year-old Jay has put together a £100million fortune from selling pictures. Jay recently quit his wife of 11 years back in September. He started boinking Lily's pad a few weeks ago.

Some nosy ho told The Sun, "It’s early days in their relationship, but Lily has been telling pals how happy she is. She is thrilled with her new man, but some of her friends have urged caution because of the huge age difference. They don’t want to see her get hurt.”

Eff the age difference. His millions of dollars instantly turns him into a 6'2" 20-something with a big dick and abs that could scrub my dirty mouth clean. Although, at first Lily's new piece sort of looked like Taylor Hicks. And nobody wants his soul in their hole. No. But then I reminded myself that the dude has cash coming out of his ass and that's when he turned into a horny Adonis.

Here's Lily in St. Barts looking like Nell trying to make ends meet by working as a homeless gay hustler. I bet you Jay is into that shit. It's always the rich ones. He totally makes Lily say "chicka-chicka-chicka-bee" while she's blowing him.

Lily Allen's ensembles are always hit-or-miss for me. Sometimes she looks like a piece of trash who uses a toilet as a planter in her back garden and other times she looks like a low-level call girl who goes by the name Delight. Lily looked like the latter while she went to a business meeting today and later did a little shopping. Yes, she wore this ho shit to a business meeting! It looks like her little red bag is filled to the top with condoms! This is exactly what you wear to discuss important business matters. Nothing says "I'm a serious businesswoman" like a mesh dress.

No, Lily Allen is not strolling around L.A. in this GD outfit, even thought I see a bunch of twats in California wearing UGHS and cooch cutters together. She's in London freezing her drumsticks off, but her feet are staying warming thanks to those fugly things. Why, Lily, why?! Why UGHS!

The other day, I was talking to my mom about my feet getting cold so easily and how a friend told me it was because I have evil in my heart. My mom said this was probably true, but that I should probably get some UGHS, because they are so warm. Just when I was about to throw the phone in the oven, I told her it was over between us. I would rather chop off my feet than wear that shit. And my mom better not be smothering her dogs in those things either or it really is over between us.

Now that I've gotten the UGHS rant out of the way, let's move on to that t-shirt. The Daily Mail says it was a gift to Lily by a Chanel and you can't find it in stores. Yeah, but you can make it yourself using an old dish rag t-shirt and a cheap felt-tip marker (not even a Sharpie). Don't know what to get the stupid labelwhore in your life? Just take a few seconds from your busy schedule of boozing and make them this crap. Tell them it's a limited-edition t-shirt and you can't find it in stores. If they don't believe you, show them this picture of foolio Lily Allen wearing it. One gift out of the way!

You know Basement Baby has already made a dozen of them.