If the Spearmint Rhino strip club ever plans to put on a slutty Ice Capades version of Barbarella, then they have found the perfect ensemble needed to realize their vision thanks to Lily Allen. Lily Allen wore something that looks like it was originally a homemade wind chime in a nail salon while performing at the Bestival in the Isle of Wight yesterday.
You know, I'm all for showing off those pectorals and whoring it up, but this is not the way to do it. I mean, bitch is wearing nail files as a skirt. If she had a pumice stone between her ass cheeks and a tube of cuticle cream up her cooze, she could give you a pedicure on the spot.
If you're thinking to yourself that Lily must be on the wrong stuff if she's dressing like this, you might be right. In an interview with GQ (via Daily Mail), Lily said, "I think as long as you're not being malicious and you're not hurting people then you should not be ashamed of what you do. I've taken drugs. I found them and find them fun and I don’t think I’m a bad person because of it. I know a lot of guys in bands who go to awards ceremonies and get into the same sort of states that I get myself into, and that's not negatively reported on. So it feels kind of unjust."
While I co-sign most of that statement, I will say that Lily should stop dressing while under the influence, because fuggery like this happens.
Above is a little clip of Kate Moss flipping her nostrils after James Nesbitt, the host of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London, made a joke at her expensive. James apparently LOLed about Kate being nekkid on the cover of GQ. Kate wasn't loving it, so she got up, stormed out and shouted beautiful Dlisted-approved gems like: "How fucking dare he!" and "I'm never coming back to this fucking award show again!" Lily Allen just stood there and giggled. You know you're a special kind of angry drunk when you make Lily Allen look like the picture of a pristine lady. Kudos for that, Kate!
You know, I'm not sure why Kate got all bitchy about some ho making fun of her being naked on the cover of a magazine. Bitch is naked on the cover of EVERYTHING. Seriously, grab a Pennysaver and Kate's bare nalgas will be staring back at you. Run into a random pediatrician's office, pick up a Highlights Magazine and Kate's frownin' snatch will be right there on the cover. Hell, I'm sure Kate's saggies are even on the cover of the Holy Bible at select motels.
So I have a hard time believing she'd freak out over that. Maybe the open bar ran out of hooch halfway through the ceremony? If you ever want to bring out the cunt monster in Kate Moss in 0 seconds flat, just scream one of the following: "LAST CALL!", "YOU'RE CUT OFF" or "WE'RE DRY!".
Lily Allen got all emotional while performing in Finland last night, because she had a moment of clarity and realized her eye area was covered in Glamberace's glittery ass jelly. No, apparently Lily fucked up her back
by bending over the mirror too fast the night before. Lily got a Paula Abdul Special injected into her butt cheek to ease the pain, but it wasn't working. If it's not working, do it again and again! That's Paula's advice.
Lily told the crowd, "I feel a bit emotional tonight and if I cry it's not because of you but because of me."
Doesn't Lily know that there's no crying in chick rock! Lily should've taken a page out of Patrick Wolf's handbook and threw a mic or spit at a bitch. That is the professional way to handle a meltdown.
By the way, when did Lily Allen suddenly become the lead singer for Bat for Lashes?
VIA The Sun
Kate Moss, her daughter Lila Grace and Lily Allen are currently tramping through St. Tropez. While they are there, Kate Moss is training Lily Allen so that she too can have the body of a cokey supermodel. Closer Magazine (via Daily Mail) says that Lily asked Kate for diet advice, because she wanted to know how to keep the chunk off. Um. Lily could have just watched Kate's "workout video" for tips.
A source said that Kate told Lily that she needs to go on the "Rock Chick Diet" (aka the Three Cs and 1 V diet) which involves ingesting nothing but coffee, ciggie smoke, vodka and champagne! Fuck, that cookie diet shit. The RC Diet sounds like just the thing for me.
Let's see, when you roll out of bed at around 4 in the afternoon, instead of eating a bowl of Cheerios, you slurp down a bowl of vodka. Instead of eating some toast, you light up a ciggie and smoke while you're pinching your nipples to prepare them for a day full of topless sunbathing. Then while you're feeding your vampire boyfriend a bottle filled with blood, you can enjoy a cup of coffee WITH NO LECHE (that will make you fat). For the rest of the day, you continue to walk around with a fag in your mouth (just like Tommy Girl) and a sippy cup of either vodka or champagne in your hand at all times.
And.....Kate mysteriously left out one of the other very important Cs in her diet. Kate forgot to say that you must do your "nostril exercises" at least twice an hour. And instead of brushing your teefs with Colgate, use Cokegate instead. VOILA! There you go! It won't be long before Kate is dishing out her tips to middle America on Oprah.
Susan Boyle has charmed millions, but not Lily Allen. When Susan sings, Lily does not feel the warm embrace of a thousand fluffy kittens. Or maybe she really does and she's just lying about it, because Susan gives her greeeen eyeeeees.
Over on her Twitter, Lily commented on Susan Boyle's take on "Memory" from Britain's Got Talent the other night. Lily wrote, "Susan Boyle is so overrated. Je suis overrated aussi." Lily went on, "Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it? She seems like a lovely lady but if it's about talent, that Shaheen kid should win." When someone called her out for the "talent" remark, Lily responded, "I have never in my life claimed to be talented. I do work hard at writing songs and putting on entertaining concerts though."
Uh oh. Lily has gone and done it now! Lily better sleep with a water gun under her bed, because the cats of the world will get her for dissing their QUEEN! I hope Lily likes cat piss in her vodka and hairballs in her panties.
And just for cacas, I decided to play a game I call "Mom Famous." I called my mom to see if she knew Susan Boyle and/or Lily Allen by name. Because my mom really only knows Madonna and The Pope by name. So I asked her if she knew who Susan Boyle was. She responded, "That British lady with teddy bear hair who sings opera?" Exactly. Then I asked her if she knew Lily Allen. She responded, "That rapper on Dancing with the Stars?" Huh?! So I said, "No. That's Lil' Kim." And she said, "Oh, yeah! LILY KIM. She has ugly boobs, but I like her." LILY KIM?! That actually makes sense since Lil' Kim does have the face of an Asian woman. Anyway, score one for The Boyle!
Somebody opened the cage door, let Lily Allen out, attached her to a booze bong and then her fucking rip on footballers and their wives. Now this is the Lily Allen that makes my no-heart beat. The Lily who loves the bottles and loves to slaughter dumb whores with her words. Apparently, Lily talked shit about Posh and Cheryl Cole to some French football magazine called SoFoot (via Metro). YES, get those skanks, Lily:
On Posh & Becks: "The Beckhams are sickening. Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I'd rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."
On Cheryl Cole: "She is just a bitch. She represents everything I hate. She is stupid, superficial and as ugly outside as inside."
On Chery's husband Ashley: "He is the worst, he disgusts me. He jumps on everything that moves. I am not criticizing just to criticize, but I have met him several times. He is revolting.”
On footballers in general: “It's ridiculous, I hate it. Footballers aren't there to show off in London, but to play football. Mind you, they are probably too stupid to understand that. Especially the English ones.”
This bitch! Now, I'm sure Posh has no idea who Lily Allen is. It's impossible for Posh to acknowledge chicks who eats more than 1 meal a month and weigh more than a 3-month-old fetus. Does not compute.
Lily is like that aunt. You know. That aunt. The one who comes to family gatherings talking about how she's not going to drink, because you know how she gets. And you DO, so you slip her a cranberry vodka and tell her you only put a drop of the good shit in it. An hour later, the ho is riding high on the drunk express and is letting the shit pour out of her like a backed-up toilet. She points at every ho in the room and says shit like, "That puta over will fuck anything! Don't shake her hand or you'll get diseased!" At one point, you have to escort her to the exit and say, "That was abuelita you were talking about."
Lily Allen was at Selfridge's 100th birthday party when she came face to face with the glamorous queen of glamour, Joan Collins. Lily Twittered (via The Sun) that when she went to kiss my icon and personal role model on the cheek, Joan responded with, "I don't kiss people I don't know." I think I would've had a seizure from being exposed to such high levels of bitchery and glamour.
Lily should've sniped back at her. Then Joan would've slapped her, stole her man, bought majority shares in her company and then pushed her into a fountain. Really, you haven't lived until you've been destroyed by Alexis Morell Carrington Dexter Rowan Colby.
Here's THE BITCH, with a hot piece and Lily at Selfridges in London the other night.
Lily Allen played L.A. last night and during her cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah" (which Lily strangely pronounces "Womanizer"), a cokey freckled mess stumbled on stage for absolutely no reason. Blohan popped out of nowhere, whispered something to Lily, gave her a side-hug, threw her skanky bones up in the air, busted a move like a special needs chimp, played a game of Hide-N-Seek behind Lily and then staggered off. I think I just witnessed a drug deal.
Why else would Lily bring Blohan on stage? That's not exactly something you flaunt. A Lohan is something you only bring out at parties when it's time to go skiing. Other than that, you keep that filthy little secret to yourself!
The crackery cracks at the 3:30 mark in the video above.
Look at this mean ass bitch Lily Allen taunting me while waiting for her order of heaven between two buns inside of God's favorite restaurant in Redondo Beach, CA. Her cunty smile is saying, "I'm here and you're not." Choke on it, bitch. CHOKE ON IT, animal-style. Although, I'm a little proud of Lily that she learned straws aren't just for snorting the bad shit on a broken mirror. She's growing up!
And now I'm going to go to Burger King, close my eyes, bite into a burger and pretend. DAMN that whore! My withdrawals were bad enough before seeing this shit.
Lily Allen needs to stop throwing fists and use her hands to throw this whole entire fugness on her body into the incinerator. Or at least donate it to a local memaw who will know the correct way to wear the fuck out of this ensemble. This really does look like an elderly ho's stoop sale busted a load all over Lily.
That sweater dress doesn't belong on a person. It belongs on a pillow on the sofa in some old queen's Palm Spring's vacation home with a bison frise named "Frances Ethel Gumm" chewing at it. And I can't even comment on the FUGGS in the room. My feelings on that subject have been heard loud and LOUDER.
This is Lily leaving some hotel in London with a smile on her face, because a court ordered a couple of pappies to stop bothering her ass. On Thursday, Lily attacked some pappies with her hands and a water bottle after they knocked into her car. There were reports that if the pappies decided to cry to the police about it, Lily could lose her US Visa which would mean her US tour would be canceled. Her spokeswhore said the tour has not been affected at all.
Lily's lawyer issued this statement yesterday: "In a court hearing that took place this afternoon, my client, Lily Allen, has resolved issues surrounding her constant harassment with two picture agencies and has also obtained from the High Court an injunction restraining further harassment of her by other paparazzi photographers."
But yet Lily is free to continue to harass our eyes with outfits that should never see the light of anything. The world is not a fair place.