Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new "upscale" Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is "upscale," because when you're buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don't think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. ("Bitch, don't act like you haven't put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi." - you "You bring up a valid point." - me)
It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she's at the grand opening of one. She's come a long way. Fergie's face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it's straight out of Faces of Botox.
And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus.
If you're 29 years old or younger, then I'm not sure how you'll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn't planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that's what Tim is trying to say).
"I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.
It's very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.
I'm a perfectly fulfilled person, but it's very physiological. I have feelings. It's not as though I'm some barren forest. I don't want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don't. I don't know what's around the corner."
I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "end-all." I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "mind boggling." I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time.
Tim seems happy, even though he hasn't had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that's the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner's face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch.
Tim Gunn's tongue is like a dream sewing machine with a needle that never breaks and constantly stitches threads of cuntiness into almost every word that comes out of his tongue and that's why I want to curl at his feet and let those cuntified gems drop into my ear hole. In Tim Gunn's ongoing campaign to be the new Mr. Blackwell, he regularly throws platinum shade at celebrities who haven't passed his look up and down test. And because Tim Gunn's voice sounds like that of a butler in a cartoon movie, it sounds extra bitchy.
Well, on Lopez Tonight the other night, Tim really went for the cunt gold by trying to find a polite way of saying that Hillary Clinton dresses like a butch dyke at a job interview. Tim's conversation with George Lopez about Hillary's style went like this:
Lopez: What about the democrats? Specifically, Hillary Clinton.
Gunn: You mean, what about her Jersey Shore style?
Lopez: I saw her at a press conference. She wore a floral outfit.... My grandmother used to have that like a No Bugs M'Lady. Like when you used to lie down in the cupboard with No Bugs M'Lady. And you used to peel it off.
Gunn: She's the Secretary of State, she's the former senator of New York, she's the former first lady, why must she dress that way? I think she's confused about her gender with all these big, baggy menswear tailored pantsuits. No, I'm really serious. They're unflattering.
Lopez: How can someone hide cankles?
Gunn: Well, if her pants didn't stop an inch above the ankle you could hide the cankle. I have great respect for her intellect and her tenacity and for what she does for our country in her governmental role. I just wish she could send a stronger message about American fashion.
"It's called Montenegro style, dahling! Live it, learn it, love it!" - Hillary Clinton's response to Tim Gunn's shade
Next to Joyce Leslie and and the troop leader of Camp Beverly Hills, Tim Gunn is the authority on American style, but I have to disagree with his ass here. Yes, Hillary Clinton sometimes looks like she just fell into the XL rack of a Men's Wearhouse clearance sale, but most of the time she's representing American fashion like nobody else! I'm going to the archives for this one. Exhibit: EVERYTHING:
When Hillary wears a banana clip, Tim Gunn's argument is invalid. You cannot argue with the jaws of glamour.
In case you still replay the Project Runway finale in the middle of the night just so you can scream "WHYWHYWHYWHY" over and over again, here's a video of Tim Gunn at the King of Prussia mall this past weekend where he explained how the Heidi Klum, Michael Kors and Neeeeenah Garceeeeeah came to the decision to the lift the house off of the Wicked Wretchen of Oregon to give her the winner's check. Tim explains that after hours of deliberating, Heidi finally asked Tim who he thought should win that mess. Tim and Heidi both went with Mondo while Michael and Neeeeneah stood in the dark side. Oh, and while Jessica Simpson played with a Ding Dong wrapper in the corner.
Tim says that he ultimately understood their choice since poor broke Gretchen really needs the money and Mondo will skip along the rainbow of success anyways.
Well, now you know to CC Michael and Neeeenah when you write a ragey "AH WANT MY 10,0000 HOURS BACK" letter to Lifetime. And now you also know that you won't be the only one writing Mondo's name on the ballot sheet when you vote today. Tim is too.
Tim Gunn has been on fire lately and slaying ho after ho after after ho! Bitches better hide behind the drawbridge, because it's only a matter of time before Tim Gunn spits out a fire ball of truthery at you!
Tim has already put Taylor Momsen's ass in a chair after he called her a "pathetic brat" and made the Salahis question their life choices when he said they were sociopaths. Now Tim has pulled out the cuntified tongue sword in his mouth and lashed it at legendary fashion icon SURI CRUISE! Suri better pull her hair back into a pony tail, put on her scrappin' heels and grease up her Thetans, because Tim is coming at her hard.
It all started when Tim turned Lindsay Lohan's ginger hair to ash while blasting her on Access Hollywood Live yesterday:
“Mr. Ungaro is dead and God knows he must have been rolling over in his grave, but I thought, this is one of the last couture houses left in this entire world. Lindsay Lohan is the creative director? How absurd is that! It would be like asking, I don’t know, like, asking Suri Cruise to pilot a fighter jet.”
(FYI: Suri can't pilot a fighter jet, but she can strike a faaaaaabulous pose while standing next to one and that's a better skill to have.) And then Tim put a fart in L. Ron Hubbard's eye when he called Suri a victim of fashion:
“Suri is, she’s her mother and father’s dress up doll and I feel in many ways she’s a fashion victim and it’s just very inappropriate. I think it’s unsafe too. She’s a little kid and [she’s] tottering around on these stilettos or quasi stilettos. It’s really inappropriate and I feel bad for her in a manner of speaking."
The platinum half helmet on Tim Gunn's head can almost protect him from anything, but I'm still concerned. Suri Cruise is the most powerful woman in the world (next to Joan Collins, of course) and she might have the power to end Tim Gunn with just one call. So Tim better sleep with a Nerf Gun filled with anti-depressants under his bed in case Tommy Girl sends his goons after him. And we need Tim to stay safe so he can continue to brighten our lives with shiny truth gems.
Down in Anna Wintour's dungeon this morning, her and Andre Leon Talley are wrapping up a Tim Gunn voodoo doll in poly-blend rayon (to Anna that's the equivalent of burning him alive) while interns dance around them while holding burning JcPenney catalogs, because Tim is spitting up all their secrets in his new book.
Page Six reports that in Tim's newest book "Gunn's Golden Rules", he writes all about Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley's ridiculous ways. First up is his encounter with Anna Wintour at a fashion show back in 2006:
"I was with a colleague from Parsons, and we had been discussing the will-she-or-won't-she-take-the-elevator question, so we ran over to the elevator bay to see if Anna would deign to get on. She wasn't there. Then we looked over the stairway railing. And what did we see but Anna being carried down the stairs. The bodyguards had made a fireman's lock and were racing her from landing to landing. She was sitting on their crossed arms.
I ran to the window to see if they would put her down on the sidewalk or carry her to the car like that. They carried her to the car. And I thought: I will never for get this."
The top of Tim's head looks like Anderson Cooper's silvery field of nutsack hair, so he would never tell a lie, but something about this story doesn't make sense to me. There's no way Anna Wintour would let a pair of peon hands touch her. Even if the pair of hands were wearing gloves made out of leathery skin from Donatella Versace's inner thighs.
Anna was probably being carried on a throne made of the bones of her past interns while 12-year-old models threw silk Hermes scarves around her. Either that or Andre Leon Talley just stuffed her between his ass cheeks before he walked down the stairs since she weighs about as much as one of Tori Spelling's kidney stones.
And speaking of ALT, here's Tim's little queef on the Priestess of the Pucker:
"When we return to the green room, we see that someone has spread a translucent barber's bib over Andre and he's reclining, his arms at his sides. He's being fed grapes and cubes of cheese one by one, like a bird in a nest."
And the problem with this is....? ALT's wrists are much too fragile and precious to handle chocolate covered Double Downs and bacon-wrapped balls of fried mink (you know it wasn't grapes and cubes of cheese).
That being said, Tim Gunn needs to give us more of this. I would rather him whisper it into my ear as I run my fingers through his platinum follicles, but reading it in a book works for me too.