Kate Gosselin's whiny screams power the furnace in Hell and so if she's not bitching and moaning about something, her creator Lucifer will freeze his horns off. So a couple of days ago, Kate Gosselin oh-so-passive-aggressively threw hate on pictures that Jon Gosselin's piece of the moment took of her pit bull with a member of the Gosselin child army. Kate thinks that children shouldn't hang around with pit bulls, because they eat children or something. Kate is right. Just look at how that vicious pit bull is attacking that child! It's obviously trying to suffocate him to death by plugging up one of his breathing holes with its tongue!
Radar says that instead of Kate going to Jon and saying, "Listen, keep those pit bulls away from my money makers, because if any rabid beast is going to attack my children, it's going to be me", she re-tweeted a couple of tweets about pit bulls from one of her followers:
@JenWheeler @Kateplusmy8 Children who were victims of pit bulls Take a look & see why people care. http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
@Kateplusmy8 @OneMomsOpinion Pictures & stories of pit bull victims http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
I've only met a couple of pit bulls and one of them tried to attack me with its lipstick, so I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to pit bulls. But even though I'm not exactly a pit bull whisperer, I know that I'm speaking the truth when I say that those kids would be less screwed if they were raised by a pack of pit bulls instead of Jon and Kate. If only Kate shut her trap hole and fell to the ground when you poked her side while going, "TSST! TSST!"
Just like "professional gossip blogger," "professional couple blogger" is an actual job that actual humans do and pays actual money. But Kate Gosselin has lost that job title, because CouponCabin.com did what humanity has been waiting years to do: they pink-slipped her ass and banished her from their presence. After spending a year blogging about coupons for Coupon Cabin, the company's CEO Scott Kluth wrote a letter to his readers yesterday telling them in professional words approved by Human Resources that Kate is a raging bitch monster and in her severance package they gave her a 50% off coupon for a bitcherectomy.
A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin.
It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.
We wish Kate, her family and her support staff all the best.
A series of recent events? I'm taking that to mean that Scott Kluth knocked his head against binders full of coupons and realized what all of us have known for centuries: Kate Gosselin is the worst and is about as pleasant as sticking your dick in a garbage disposal while buttchugging boiled battery acid. Kate probably tried to get a bunch of free crap and attacked the receptionist with a wooden spoon when the receptionist asked her what coupon she used for her Botox treatments.
Kate said on her Twitter that she's fine and she's keeping busy and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
The truth is, Coupon Cabin's readers will suffer the most, because they won't get more amazing tips like this one:
My most recent splurge was an industrial grade meat slicer. By roasting and slicing my own organic chicken and beef roasts into lunchmeat instead of buying it from the deli, I save major bucks! And the cycle repeats itself, because my splurge that helps me save on lunchmeat is the beginning of planning my next splurge. Got it? You can do it, too!
Wait, so Kate is out of a paycheck AND she has an industrial grade meat slicer? Please don't tell me she's suddenly selling "Asian sandwiches" from a cart in front of her house. Somebody do a head count of Kate's child army NOW!
Any plastic surgeon who compares Kate Gosselin's pre-fame whore face (side note: Kate's glorious hair in that picture is making me do the reverse Baumgartner) to her full-on fame whore face will tell you that a Botox needle has never touched her mug and age is what naturally transformed her face into that of a plastic devil covered in sheets of wax. Kate was on Bravo's Watch What Happens Live last week and Andy Cohen asked her about the rumor that she nipped and tucked her face almost the same way she nipped Jon's balls off and tucked his dick in. Kate brought the laughs when she said she has something called THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. via UsWeekly:
"I am probably one of the rare few who de-age," Gosselin -- who welcomed sextuplets in 2004 -- told Bravo's Andy Cohen during an appearance last week on Watch What Happens Live. Cohen wondered aloud about Gosselin's potential enhancement after he showed off a "vintage" picture of Gosselin famously taken three days after she welcomed her babies with ex-husband Jon.
Kate Gosselin is a lying dumb ass, but I actually believe her this time. Kate didn't get Botox. Kate's eyebrows are naturally frozen in the Lucifer position, because that's the face she makes when she beats her kids with THE WOODEN SPOON OF DOOM and she does that a lot, so her brows just stayed that way. Kate has no open pores, because she fills them with the fear of innocent animals when she curses them out. And that's not sparkly make-up on Kate's lids. You see, one day one of her daughters came home from school and told Kate that her teacher said she can do anything in life and should reach for the stars. So being the dream-killing bitch that she is, Kate reached for the stars, grabbed them, threw them to the ground, stomped them into dust and smeared that star dust all over her eyes as her daughter cried.
See! Kate didn't have any plastic surgery. Being a cunt is her beauty secret.
A few years ago, bitches lost their minds and called all the numbers to Child Protective Services when Kate "The Kunt" Gosselin was caught by the paps spanking a member of her child army on the driveway of her house. Well, a reporter named Robert Hoffman tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Kate got a lot more hardcore than just a spank on the nalgas. Mady, Ady, Pady and the rest of the Gosselin children don't have to worry about writing a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all in 15 years, because apparently Kate kept diaries where she wrote all about how she whooped some 2-year-old ass.
Robert is writing his own book (DUH) called Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World and he wrote it using some of Kate's journals that he somehow got a hold of (SPOILER ALERT: Her old possum head hair betrayed her by giving them to him). Robert says that in one entry, Kate writes that when the kids ate some M&Ms without asking, she pulled Collin up by the hair and spanked him into a different race and back again. In another entry, Kate wrote about how she regularly used a wooden spoon that she called The Spanker. And Radar goes on with the fuckery:
Kate herself often worried about her excessive physicality, allegedly writing in the diary that she told her ex-husband, Jon Gosselin, that she “felt like I may hurt his children,” and that she preferred it when the kids were “out of her sight” whenever she flew off the handle, because then she knew “that they are safe.”
In another frightening entry, claims Hoffman, Kate wrote that she was so incensed after Collin threw a tantrum, “I sent him to his crib and whipped him into it very hard...I never felt that I may really seriously injure a child, but today was that day.”
In an abuelita's belt of whoopin' tools, I've seen a rubber chancla, a leather chancla, several kinds of belts, electrical cords, a switch and tree branches of all sizes, but I don't think I've ever seen a wooden spoon. You know, Kate Gosselin is an evil, greedy bitch who would repeatedly punch a baby bunny if someone told her it was filled with quarters, so none of this is surprising, but I have a question about the wooden spoon thing. Does she have a special spoon she uses just for spanking or does she use the same one she mixes cake batter and oatmeal with? Because if it's the latter, that's just unhygienic and barbaric!
UsWeekly put together this Kate Gosselin gallery that leads us on a long trail of Botox from when she looked like an everyday ho (who understood the glamour of an AquaNetted wave bang) to Ashley Tisdale in 20 years (third picture) to a scheming lizard overlord (fourth picture) to today. They asked NYC plastic surgeon Dr. Jon Turk to analyze the Botoxization of Kate's mug and give his professional opinion on why this bitch's face now looks like a factory defected Real Doll based on the Kim Cattrall alien from the SATC2 poster. According to Dr. Jon, Kate pulled her face skin sort of like how she pulled out cash from her chirrun's college education fund to pay for this shit.
"She's consumed with her appearance," a source says of Gosselin, 36, whose TLC reality show Kate Plus 8 was canceled in August.
New York City plastic surgeon Jon Turk tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on sale Monday) that based on recent photos, it looks like Gosselin's gone more extreme this time: A defined jawline and changed eye shape "suggest a facelift."
It's not surprising, the source tells Us: "Kate wants to look 10 years younger."
If your faced morphed into an expression of shock after reading that QUELLE SURPRISE news, then hold it for about an hour and get your co-worker to shellack your entire head. Then you'll have Kate Gosselin face #5 for free!
You know, the face that belongs to the Kate of today looks like a Sunset Orange Crayon with cartoon ant eyes and teefs on it, so I'm sure the ho Real Housewived herself. Kate now has a full-time job at some site called Coupon Cabin (position: Head STUNT QUEEN Coordinator), so I, for one, can't wait to read her article on how she paid for all of her new face work with double coupons and savings cards.
After God showed us he existed by getting the executives at TLC to put Kate Plus 8 to bed forever, Jon Gosselin shimmied out of his douche cave to say that now is the time for Kate Gosselin to get a real job like he did and stop pushing their chirruns in front of the camera for a check. That was also the day that God showed us he existed by getting Jon Gosselin to make a sense! However, peroxide, a too-tight weave and a camera light on her face 24/7 has fried the part of Kate's brain that operates reason and she no longer knows what a real job is. When you ask Kate to get a real job, she says the same shit my abuelita would tell the border guards after they asked to see her papers: NO SE? US Citizen.
During an interview on Today this morning, Matt Lauer brought up Jon's advice and Kate the Kunt responded by basically saying that anybody who works a real job is a loser who doesn't care if they raise loser kids:
"Well, it's a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.
I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”
Translation: "I want the best for ME ME ME ME ME including a credit card from Bisou Bisou, weekly Juvederm appointments, monthly weave appointments with Beyonce's weavemaster's cousin and a team of nannies so that I can spend as little time with my money makers as possible and don't have to hear them call me by my stage name of 'mom' off camera. I want all of this with minimal effort. If doing so, completely damages all of my children and makes them run away from home as soon as they're old enough to throw their bodies into the car of a runaway train, then YAY! More money and free party time for me!
I think at this point, the best opportunity for ME would be ME continuing on TV or any other kind of job where I don't have to wear a company ID. PLEASE! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A TV SHOW! I can't go back to buying off the rack at Dress Barn and wearing clip-on hair from Sally's. PLEASE!!!!!"
After weeks of rumors that TLC would become the less one cunt network (so that's what TLC really stands for) by dropping Kate Gosselin completely, they have officially announced that Kate Plus 8's current season will be its last and it will soon disappear like the rabid possum who used to feed on the dandruff balls on top of her head. The sound that was made when TLC brought down the ax sounded like this:
"TLC has decided not to renew another season of Kate Plus 8," a network rep said in a statement. "By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone. TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future."
Well, those ten million children have been living the high life for way too long, anyway. It's about time they live like normal people by only surviving on garden hose water from the neighbor's yard and popcorn kernels. They'll have to get jobs selling dirt pies off the interstate and make all their clothes from FedEx sacks. Sure, they have millions upon millions of dollars from being whored out by their mother, but Kate needs that money to stretch so she can still maintain her $2000 a month weave and get her carcass sprayed with liquid copper every week. But on the bright side, now that the cameras will no longer be crawling all over their house, the kids won't to see their lens-fucking mom as much.
We might think that this is the end of a nightmare, but it's the only beginning. Now that Kate doesn't have an outlet for her famewhoreness, she's going to hit the ho stroll even harder. There is no God.
via E! Online
General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.
In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!
She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!
She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"
That headline is courtesy of Radar who claims that Kate Gosselin must've been crossing something on her body (don't let your mind go to where mine went or it might never come back) when she said with a straight-face that two of her sextuplets were not expelled from their private school, because apparently they were. Alexis and Colin are being homeschooled, but Kate says it's because they need a break from the stresses of kindergarten. But Radar's sources know otherwise and said that Alexis and Colin were kicked out for whooping the asses of several students AND an adult. And just like that, Latarian Milton's esteemed HOOD RAT STUFF CLUB just gained two members.
The source says that shit got so serious at Alexis and Colin's school that the head bitch in charge sent Jon and Kate a letter warning them that their kids are on the road to becoming kindergarten drop-outs because of their abusive behavior. Alex and Colin were put in a special program for kids who like to do bad things, but their teacher quickly learned that they need outside assistance with their social skills. The source went on to say, "Alexis and Collin could go to a public school but they would be photographed and harassed. It's clear the kids need to be integrated back into their private school, if they want to keep them at the same place. Or they can be sent to the school with the Gosselin's other kids. They can't just be tutored, at home: these kids need to be integrated with other children."
This source added that a lot of the problem has to do with the fact that Colin and Alexis hate being photographed by the paps and Kate doesn't seem to get this, "Colin actually covered his face when he was having his school photograph taken because he thought he shouldn't be photographed. Here you have children living in rural Pennsylvania and they don't understand why people are taking pictures."
Blah blah blah... Thank you, Professor CaresomuchyouwenttoRadar. But seriously, who doesn't get kicked out of preschool or kindergarten at least once in their lifetime? I got expelled from my first preschool after I continually threw my shoes at the assistants, ran away during nap time and slapped a picture book out of my teacher's hand. Every day, I had to hand over my shoes at the front door like I was about to eat Japanese food. They wouldn't let me lay down during nap time since I was a runner, so I had to sit between two adults while the other kids floated into daytime dreamland. Eventually, they got tired of my baby douchebag ways and told me to get the fuck out. And look at how I turned out! Yes, I still have to sit between two adults during group therapy so I don't run, but other than that I'm fine (not really)!
Don't expect Lucifer's wish for a Palin/Gosselin 2012 ticket to come true, because Mama Grizzly can't wait for the day she gets to hunt, skin and grill Kate's old possum hair. Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin forced bears to contemplate a year-long hibernation by camping together in Alaska for an episode of Mama Grizzly's show which airs this Sunday. If you haven't already hissed and thrown holy water at the preview, Mama Cunty whines about how this is the HARDEST THING SHE'S DONE IN HER LIFE while Mama Grizzly throws her a "Pfft. And they call me an annoying bitch" eye roll. UsWeekly says that the tension on camera was even worse off camera.
Some ho close to Kate said that she and Sarah had about as much chemistry as Jon Gosselin and a full-time job. While Kate's child army were happy doing camping shit, Kate's tongue continued to launch complaint after complaint about everything from how the food sucks to how the cold air was biting at her already frozen heart. The source went on to explain, "They didn't speak off camera. She said the food and accommodations were terrible, and it was the worst trip she'd ever been on. [Kate] had a meltdown and left the campground before sundown. She just couldn't cope."
Fuck Kate in her whine hole! Did she ever stop to think about the poor innocent wild animals she violated with her screeching bitch and moans? And the poor innocent wild trees that the poor innocent wild animals had to kick out of frustration? And the poor innocent wild hatchlings that fell out of the poor innocent wild trees when the poor innocent wild animals kicked their frustrations out? Stupid bitch!
And you know who else is a stupid bitch? The producer of this mess! They should've taken advantage of Kate and Sarah's hate for each other by staging a Mortal Kombat-like duel to the death. The wild animals and hatchlings would've gathered around them to scream "FINISH HER! FINISH HER!" It would've been a beautiful moment!
Here's Kate leaving a salon in NYC last night with $2000 on top of her head.