Lily Allen

Lily Allen heard my pleas and finally got rid of that stale ass cotton candy mop. It was seriously starting to look like Jem's pussy bush.

Now, I'm not sure about the doody brown color or the janky ass weave, but a change is a change. She also needs to dump those clip-on bangs in the nearest trash can.

Okay, I change my mind. I hate it. Lily, please bring back Jem's pussy bush!

I need one of those in my life right now! The best part of the Pink Panther pop is the eyes. I can spend forever slowly biting his eyes off. It's rude and disturbing, but whatever gets me through the day.

Here's Lily Allen eating one of my favorite things in the world in Hollywood yesterday. She also got a manicure and really should have asked one of the kind ladies to touch-up her roots with hot pink nail polish.

Oh and I've included a picture of her at the ATM. You know what to do!

I've already commented on Lily Allen's decapitated Bambi dress, but here's her drunk ass being carried out of the Glamour Awards last night. She covered her face with her new award which could also double as a Voss water bottle. This is exactly why I hardly feel sorry for these celeb whores! They have an easy life.

We've all been in that position, but the difference is that we have to get home by ourselves. I would've impaled my drunk ass on that face.

Lily has already blogged about her drunkenness. She wrote, "Kids , drink responsibly or you'll end up looking like this , not pretty !" She's talking about the dress and the Brit Brit hair.

Here's Lily from last night and also some pics of her trying to sober up this morning.

You know what Lily Allen's trying to do? She's obviously wants us to talk shit about her fraudulent ass, but I'm not going to fall for her cheap tricks. Ok, yes I am.

Just seeing Bambi's mutilated body on her dress brings non-existent tears to my eyes. Yes, I know it's probably some random deer, but every young deer is Bambi to me. Just thinking about the scene where Bambi's mom gets it makes me weepy. Thanks to Lily's violent dress, I've been forced to hit the bong hard tonight to wash away the painful memories.

And about her new hair, pussy in a pink wig did it better!

Here's Lily at the Glamour Twats Women of the Year Awards in London tonight.

Lily Allen seems to be having a blast in Cannes. She's boozing, flipping people off and airing her chocha out in the French breezes. I guess fake blondes do have more fun. Seriously, it's time for Lily to cover up that blonde mess. It was fun while it lasted, but she is totally starting to look like the crazy lady at my laundromat and that is fucking me up.

Here's more of Lily with her daddy at a Cannes party on Thursday night. The first thumbnail is slightly NSFW. Not really. You just see a little landing strip. A little landing strip never hurt anybody. A little stubble however is a different story. I don't know how many times my tongue has been burned by taint stubble. Wax don't shave!

The paps gave Lily Allen a cake last night for her 23rd Birthday. Lily thanked the paps by throwing it back at them. When people waste cake, I cry. Lily Allen of all people should not waste cake. She looks like she could swallow that shit whole. Tin container and all. Actually, that really doesn't look like cake. It looks more like cinnamon rolls without the delicious frosting. I'd eat it anyway.

I've changed my mind about her blonde hair. It looks like someone puked all over her head. She looks exactly like the crazy lady at my laundromat that is always bitching about how expensive bleach is. BLEACH!

When Lily Allen dyed her hair blonde, I immediately dry heaved at the image. Now that I've had some to marinate in it, I'm totally into it. It's very 80s disco queen. It brings out the baby powder in her skin. The bleach may have gotten to her brains though.

Lily recently said she's the top female talk-show host in the UK. Lily said, "I am actually the number one female chat-show host. Davina didn't get commissioned for a second series. But I did, Lily Allen did."

Michael K does not like when Lily Allen refers to herself in the third person. This makes Michael K cry.

Here's the #1 female talk-show host in her own mind, Lily Allen, out and about in London.

These chicks need to learn from Lindsay Lohan's mistakes! Going trailer trash blonde is not something that should be taken lightly. It can instantly make you look like a crackhead who spends her Monday afternoons begging outside the welfare office for a few extra stamps.

I never really thought she looked like Porky Pig, but the blonde definitely brings out the snout in her face. Hopefully, this is just a phase....

Lily Allen was out partying last night and she came out of the club to find her new BMW busted up. Lily later took to her MySpace and blamed the paps for smashing up her window.

She wrote:

If you see photos in the press or online of my car window being "smashed by vandals", I just want you to know that it was one of the many paparazzi who were following us who did it. There were so many of them hassling us that it is difficult to say which one of them did it but i had to leap in a taxi to get away from them, my friend Emily had to get into the car which was covered in broken glass and drive it away. It was a scary situation and i want people to know that it was totally their fault and that the whole situation has angered and upset me. Emily got cut from sitting on the broken glass and we are both horrified that people could behave in this way and get away with it.

Just buy a new one and move on. I love that she made her friend drive her smashed up car.

This is what happens when you have a car. When I lived in Los Angeles, this shit would happen to me all the time. One time, bitches busted up my car window and stole like 3 porn videos I had just bought. They didn't take the car radio, but they took my porn. Rude. That's a low blow without the happy ending.

Lily Allen spent her Valentine's Day drunk as hell. Lily started her day at 10:45 in the morning attending the Luella fashion show. She spent the rest of the day attending other shows and parties and finally ended a little before 3 in the morning. 16 hours of partying! This is why being a celebrity is fucking stupid. I look like that at least one night a week. Can you imagine having a pap taking your picture when you are throwing up into a dumpster after having too many chocolate martinis? Oh and don't ever drink chocolate martinis. They will make you poop and shit at the same fucking time. It's not cute when you're going caca and throwing up into a waste basket at the same time. Throwing up out of both ends is not my idea of a good time.

Here's Lily with Kimbo Stewart and Kelly Osbourne at the Vivienne Westwood show. I think Kimbo's been replaced with a tranny robot. She hasn't been looking like her fug-self lately.

Mr. Paparazzi, Wenn