Lily Allen

Lily Allen's rep has turned their mouth to the SILENT position and are not saying shit, but who needs a confirmation from a rep when you've got friends with Twatter pages? Two of Lily's friends, Sam Chew and Charlie Condou, handed out pink blunts on Twitter last night and announced that she and her husband of 6 months, Sam Cooper, have been blessed by the saliva bombs and newborn diarrhea fumes coming from their brand new baby girl. We don't have a name yet, but Sam Chew did gift us with the image of a pink Mini Cooper driving out of Lily's coochie tunnel when he Tweeted this:

sending out love to lily, sam and mini cooper...... YES.
22 hours ago via web

This news might be like a shot of happiness to veins of your soul since Lily has been through sad after sad after sad after sad to get here. Lily miscarried her first pregnancy almost 4 years ago and had a still birth last November.

Congratulations to Lily, Sam and their new baby friend. I'll throw them another congratulations with more feeling if they really named their daughter Mini Cooper. Or at least WINNIE Cooper!

via People

Some hos at Lily Allen's wedding might've had their eyes glued on her growing bambino bundle (aka phrase candidate #4 for a "baby bump" replacement) but I'd like to think that most retinas were bouncing along on the pressed chichis of her older sister Sarah Owen.

Sarah isn't exactly sashaying on the top levels of sophistication and grace like the beauties from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, but she's almost there. Looking like you're smuggling a pair of nose-bumping newborns in your dress is definitely the right step.

Sarah displaying exploding titties at her sister's wedding shouldn't come as a surprise, though, since any trick with the same name as a Models Inc. character naturally knows what elegant style truly is!

Wearing an adult-sized christening dress and the veil everybody's great grandma wore in her wedding picture, Lily Allen married her serious business man boyfriend Sam Cooper at St. James Church in Gloucestershire, England today. The Daily Mail says that Sam also told their wedding guests that they can quit throwing ultrasonic side-eyes at her outer womb area, because Lily is pregnant. So now you know why she's wearing a gunny sacks maternity gown.

One of Lily and Sam's fat mouthed friends told the Daily Mail afterward, "There were tears all around. This is the happiest day of Lily and Sam's lives and they are so in love. This is the icing on the wedding cake!"

Lily's rep only confirmed that she's now a married woman, but zipped their shit shut on the rumor that she's got a case of the babies. The reason for that is obviously because Lily barely had a miscarriage back in November. So it feels a little weird discussing her current uterus situation, but I'm just the messenger! Don't shoot me! Actually, if you insist on shooting me use a paint ball gun and aim for the nipple. That's happened to me before and it oddly did things to me I wasn't expecting.

UPDATE: Lily's spokeswhore confirms that she's officially been diagnosed with a case of the babies.

Here's a few more of Lily looking pretty in her lace ear muffs.

Kunty Karl showed his new line of wispy cobweb gowns for Chanel in a cave under a volcano in Mordor today, and the best part of the show was when he slithered off of his throne of bones and braved the flashes from cameras to pose with admirers like Lily Allen, Florence Welch, Clemence Poesy, and Emma Roberts. They crawled through the tundra for miles to get a picture with the exquisite demon whose mop of bone dust threads holds the broken dreams of 12-year-old models in its tips. It's sort of like that time Perseus traveled from afar to slay Medusa. But instead of chopping Kunty Karl's head off (which is totally impossible for a mortal to do, by the way), they just want to pose with him like he's the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or the old timey hos at Knott's Berry Farm.

Seriously, some say that designing $1,200 t-shirts out of caterpillar skins is Kunty Karl's specialty, but I say it's posing with random people. Ghoulfriend is good at that shit! Karl really needs his own mall tour. I'd wait in line with the other screaming brats and babies to get a picture on Kunty Karl's lap. I wouldn't even mind if Karl stuck his nose in my ear to see if my brain is the type of consistency he likes to nibble on.

It all started when Katie Nicholl of the Daily Mail wrote a gossip piece titled: A New Year wedding to ease Lily Allen's baby grief. The article was about how Lily and her boyfriend Sam Cooper will soothe the sadness over the loss of their baby by getting married. Lily's rep already denied the story, but she took it one step further by cyber slapping Katie in the mouth via Twitter. In doing so, Lily kicked a goal for TEAM CUNT! This is the sweet nothing Lily originally whispered into Kate's ear hole:

"Katie Nicholl you're a lying cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing.

I'm sorry, but there's a time and a place for disrespectful, badly researched or just made up journalism. It's not now Katie Nicholl."

I guess this little Tweet made Katie Nicholl pick up her phone and speed dial her lawyers, because Lily took a Magic Eraser to that shit and started over again:

Kati Nichol has been in touch and has threatened to consult her lawyer if i don't take that tweet down. She thinks it was too heavy handed.
3:56 AM Nov 28th via web

so i'll amend it.
3:57 AM Nov 28th via web

Katie Nicholl I THINK you're a cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing about the intimate details of my life.
4:00 AM Nov 28th via web

theres a time and a place for your musings where i'm concerned, and it's not now. 4:02 AM Nov 28th via web

VICTORY TIMES TWO for Team Cunt! Lily Allen could've used the forever popular "bitch" or went the boring mainstream route by calling Katie an "asshole", but she went with the beautiful noun that pulls at the splintery strings attached to the lump of coal my doctor strangely refers to as "a heart." So thank you for that, Lily. And thank you to Katie Nicholl for pulling the word "cunt" off of Lily's finger tips.

via BBC America

Just a few days after losing her baby 6 months into pregnancy, Lily Allen is back in the hospital being treated for a blood condition called septicemia. I've never heard of septicemia and usually I ask my mom about these kinds of things since she has a PhD in Dr. Oz Watching with a Masters in The Doctors Watching, but she's not around so I went to that know-it-all bitch Google and they told me this:

Septicemia is the presence of bacteria in the blood (bacteremia) and
is often associated with severe infections. Septicemia can begin with
spiking fevers, chills, rapid breathing, and rapid heart rate.

Serious cases can be deadly, but apparently Lily is in stable condition and she's getting better. Her rep had this to say:

"She is responding well to treatment and her condition continues to improve. Lily thanks everyone for their messages of support and again asks that she and partner Sam Cooper be left alone whilst she recovers."

It's been damn rough for Lily lately. So yeah, I guess I'll stop bitching to everybody about how this weather is making my hair go flaccid like an ice cold dick. Good thoughts to Lily.

When I first read this over at ABC News, I thought some drunken editor stumbled in from their night of Halloween debaucheries and accidentally republished an old article, but sadly no... A rep for Lily Allen has released a sad statement of sads confirming that she has suffered a miscarriage 6 months into her pregnancy. In August, Lily Allen made the announcement that she was expecting a baby friend with her boyfriend Sam Cooper. Here's the statement from Lily's rep:

"It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby.

The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made."

It was only two years ago that Lily and her boyfriend at the time Ed Simons publicly lost their baby. :(

Well, you might need one of these to combat the sad, so open your eyes wide and swallow up:

Actually, that probably didn't help since Pancake the cat is eating a tuna/corn mash on a plate of pancakes. I know Pancake is a cat, but he needs a taste bud transplant. I mean, corn, tuna and Bisquick? Ick. Nast. Etc. No, that definitely didn't help.

The truth is, the phrase "baby bump" always makes me cringe a little on the inside when referring to a chick's knocked up belly, because it makes me think of something Lindsay Lohan might snort up for a quickie. There has to be another name for it. Fetus pouch? No. Bambino dumpling? No. Oversized infant pimple? No. Whatever we're calling it, Lily Allen showed hers off in London last night at the premiere of Tamara Drew, a movie her mother produced.

If Lily Allen paid more than a few hundred Mexican pesos for that dress, then the ho paid too much! That is the kind of dress my abuelita would haggle for while sitting in the car at the Mexico/US border in Tijuana. My abuelita would never pay more than 150 pesos for that dress and she'd make them throw in a ceramic vase with Jesus on it! She's ruthless.

Just the other day I was dancing around the room with my dog (aka The Aniston Waltz) to "Littlest Things" when I wondered whatever happened to Lily Allen. There was a time when she was taking me higher (or at least middle-er) by dressing like a Blondie groupie turned hand job merchant and regularly dropping side-eye summoning quotes on Twitter.

Then she sort of pulled a La Pequena (Never Forget) and disappeared. Lily has a good reason for that. She's been busy barfing into toilets, searching the flower encyclopedia for possible baby names and deciding whether or not she should make out with her boyfriend during labor. Lily's rep confirmed to People that she's got a 3-month-old fetus lounging in her womb:

"Lily Allen and Sam Cooper are very happy to confirm that Lily is expecting their first child. Lily's professional commitments will carry on as normal, including a scheduled performance at the Big Chill this weekend."

25-year-old Lily and 32-year-old Sam have been dating for a little over a year. Sam owns some fancy construction company in London. That's not Sam in the picture above, but that dude deserves some shine.

Over two years ago, Lily suffered a miscarriage with her then-boyfriend Ed Simons of the Chemical Brothers. Hopefully, everything is rainbows this time.

And Gisele Buttchin will be happy to know that Lily Allen can chichifeed her baby from not only two nipples, but she can do it from THREE!

Lily Allen is packing up all her shit and moving far far away from the music industry, because she claims she's done making albums.

One of the reasons why Lily is quitting that bitch is because she's sick of hos stealing her music without paying for it. Lily even started a blog devoted to music piracy and wrote up a lengthy rant on the subject (the post has since been taken down). The problem is Lily pulled a "cut and paste" move by taking the post from the blog Techdirt without giving any credit. Yes, Lily pirated a blog post on pirating. Old Man Irony jizzed all over that one.

According to Lily, her contract is up and she's not about to negotiate. She reportedly wrote on her blog (that post was also taken down):

"Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. I do however remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade.

The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I'm concerned, so I don't stand to profit from legislation. Except future purchases of previously recorded material."

Lily's rep tried to fix her rant of whines by saying she's not quitting music, but simply has no current plans to make a second record. Lily is apparently focusing on her acting career by starring in the West End theater production of Neil LaBute's Reasons to be Pretty.

Lily is one of those girls who has gotten everything she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted it. So when something doesn't go her way (example: getting caught stealing someone else's blog post), bitch throws a fit, punches her dolly, pulls at her hair and stomps off. So we should all just roll our eyes, let the toddler have her tantrum and then go back to polishing our dildos.

Here's a few pictures of Lily covering her face in shame, because she got caught at the airport wearing FUGGS.