Panty Creamer of the Day

Your morning coffee was looking a little dark, so now you have some cream to go with it! Stir it in, drink up and then feast on your eyes on the sexy roasted turkey known as Roberto Cavalli. This 67-year-old pepaw really knows how to fill out a mankini. You know you just want to curl up next to him, rest on his bosom and suckle on his raisin nippies while he takes a drag from one of his Virginia Slims.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, he's fucking rich! You might see a golden prune in a speedo, but I see a big bag of money. Being a money-loving slut really is a terrible disease.

Here's some more AM sexiness for you to enjoy. I have no idea if that chick is his daughter or his trophy.

Hugh Jackman turned 40 yesterday and he celebrated by giving a bunch sunbathers in Sydney the gift of his body. You know that when Hugh got into the water, everybody had to run out and head to the bathroom because their crotches were about to explode. It was like a panty pudding fountain. Shit. You better check your own panty situation. It's probably covered in clitty litter. Mine is a lost cause. It's going right into the "burn pile."

There has to be something wrong with his ass. His dick must be all sorts of disappointing. I bet he suffers from cashew dick. It's probably small, curved and salty. Yeah, because I can't believe that his body is that perfect.

Hugh's Mrs. Claus-looking wife must have been some kind of saint in a past life to nab such a piece of hotness. If I was married to him, I would never leave his side. Ever. And if some slick bitch looked at him with lusty eyes, I'd shoot that ho. No joke.

Here's Hugh making genitals burst at the beach yesterday and out with his wifey the other night.

I'm talking about the bong trophy and not about The Franco. This is seriously my kind of award. Finally a trophy you can use for something other than beating bitches over the head with.

James Franco won this beauty from High Times Magazine for playing a mega stoner in "Pineapple Express." This is what the Oscar should look like. Shit. I bet Charlize Theron turned her Oscar into a bong.

James claims that he doesn't smoke regularly, but his eyes tell a different story. I see the green cloud passing through his eyes. He's obviously day dreaming of Funions covered in nacho cheese and Doritos Fiery Habanero bits. I'm speaking from experience.

The awards ceremony also attracted the always lovely Alexis Arquette. You know Franco hit that shit over a men's room urinal.

It's been a long ass time since I've done a "Panty Creamer of the Day," but I felt that Ryan Gosling's hotness was deserving of the title. Usually, I don't go for this kind of bland bitch, but I don't know what it is about him. He's a sizzling piece of bacon on a stack of hot maple-syrup covered pancakes. Yes, I know he's Canadian.

Here's Ryan buying me something special in West Hollywood yesterday.

Woody Allen looked hot (literally) as he left his NYC hotel Saturday night. No wonder his adopted daughter couldn't stay away from him. He is a piece of hot man. 

There's always one bitch at work that always has pit stains. I've worked in joints where people would sweat when the a/c was on full blast. I would wear a parka and shit and their pits were sprinkling sweat. I don't understand it, but I guess it's better than crotch sweat.