Panty Creamer of the Day

Sucio bitches who saved up wads of dollars bills to rub against OctoMom's c-section scar during her stripper debut at T's Club in Florida made a sad in their pants after she canceled that shit due to the club's employees throwing shade at her during an interview with a local news station. But because the rent is always due, you can't buy collagen injections with an EBT card and 14 screaming kids are always hungry, OctoMom re-booked at a different club in Florida. Octo made her stripper debut at Playhouse Gentlemen's Club in Hallandale, FL this past Friday night and I can't believe people didn't make it rain unused Pampers on her ass instead of making it rain dollar bills.

TMZ says that the fap porn superstar dropped her ass, did the #imbirthingmoney move (see picture above) and even gave a half-assed lap dance to a lady on stage. Octo made sperm counts instantly drop when she licked a lollipop as a sexy school girl and spanked herself while stripping to RiRi's S&M. Octo spanking herself is seriously some Fifty Shades of NO shit.

TMZ has more pictures if you that's what you need today and every single picture serves as a very important warning. If you get a back alley doctor to stuff your baby making area with two handfuls of embryos, you might give birth to your own personal child army. Then in to support that child army, you'll have to awkwardly work the pole at a Florida strip club while wearing the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. I'm all for Octo getting money, bitch, but I'm not for Octo doing it while wearing some "Minnie Mouse working the discount section of the ho stroll" shoes.

There's really nothing to say about these pictures of Chris Hemsworth making waves jizz by humping them (yes, that's how sea foam is made) in Maroubra and pictures of him making eyes jizz by strolling around the pool area of his Sydney hotel in a towel. It was a wonderful weekend to be a wave.... and Thor's surfboard.... and Thor's towel. Thor's hammer poking at his wetsuit tells me that he's not "happy" to see us, but he is sort of "meh" to see us and that's more than we could ever ask for.

And DAMN at those arms. Dude could win an arm wrestling match against a marble statue. I bet if you butt humped one Thor's made-of-stone arms, it would make sparks. It was also polite of Thor to define the shit out of that V muscle. I mean, the V muscle only exists to give you a place to put your hands while giving a beej. What a gentleman that Thor is.

The MTV Movie Awards was an unnecessary pile of useless dingles, but it was still the best thing MTV has aired in years and that's because during the Twatlight and Hunger Games appreciation ceremony, chronic panty cream-inducer Joe ManJello came out as Big Dick Richie, his character from Magic Mike, to give the "Most Transformed" award to Elizabeth Banks for wearing a pink wig in THG.

Never mind that Joe ManJello basically called your vagina and my no-no hole an ax wound (that's what my doctor calls it, so I'm used to it) by wielding a giant ax around like it was his dick, why did Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stay on the stage when he came out? How can one fully fap to Joe ManJello when Matthew's T-Rex arms and Channing Tatum are in the same shot? I can't focus on Joe when I'm too busy wondering why Channing Tatum is starting to look like a bloated 35-year-old high school gym teacher who always drunkenly cries about how he had to turn down an invitation to the NFL tryouts because his girlfriend got knocked up.

And is it wrong of me to secretly wish that Joe ManJello's film and TV career dries up so that he has to start doing hardcore gay porn to pay his gym membership and protein shake bills? I mean, with cum gutters like those.....

If a movie poster doesn't look like it should be printed on 3x4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky's on Santa Monica Blvd., we don't need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here's the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I'm hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom's favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you're in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here's some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men's Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a "replace tire with muscle bottom" tool in Photoshop.

Here's rugby star and anti-bullying activist Ben Cohen and Prince Hot Ginge holding up a black t-shirt that once passed through my copy of Photoshop will read: STANDUP to Tag Team Michael K. I know, PHG is giving his support to a serious issue and I'm still doing the backstroke in the gutter. I'm just going to stop and let Ben Cohen's hard nipple express my feelings about this picture.

via Ben Cohen's Facebook (Thanks, Johnny Mac)

Watching Michael Bay's Pain And Gain is probably going to be like watching a neon-colored pile of shit blow up over and over again, but it has brought us two wonderful things: the return of Camp Beverly Hills glamour and certified asshole Marky Mark running around in his chonies everywhere.

Marky Mark was back on his balcony in Miami yesterday and he gave the paps a clear view of the funky bunch in his panties. Marky Mark is built like a genetically modified teacup bulldog who's just coming off of an addiction HGH, so who knew he had it like that in the dick department?

On another note, why is my junior high school friend's cholo cousin Lefty hanging out with Marky Mark and how did his right arm grow back? Yes, they called him Lefty, because a rival gang shot his right arm off in a drive by. Further proof that cholas should be in charge of naming EVERYTHING.

Let's just pretend like our eyeballs aren't seeing Shemar Moore wearing your mom's favorite weekend pants and focus on what's really important here: HIS MAN NIPS! While working it in a vintage Aéropostale belt from 2001 and sneakers he wore like clogs, Shemar (formerly best known for being on Young and the Restless and currently best known for making my hand pores secrete lube) gave the paps a nipple show on Miami Beach yesterday. TGIF (Thank God Ican Fap)!

And it goes without typing, but I'd hit it until that lion tattoo had enough of my gross ass and came to life to bite at me.

The costume designer(s) of Pain and Gain should get their Oscar speech ready, because they have clenched the win by throwing this hot look onto the body of one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark. As Marky pumped up his brain with heavy beats (SPOILER ALERT: He was listening to this), he flashed one third of his nipple triplets and braced himself for the tidal wave of panty pudding that eventually hit him after hos got a good look of him dressed up like John Travolta's private chef. Those aren't rainboots. They're pantycreamboots!

And I only have one tiny issue with this look. According to my Scientology spell checker, they spelled "cock" wrong. They should fix that in post-production.

When I first scanned across these pictures with my eyes, I braced myself for non-stop puckering by clenching my cheeks, because I really thought this was noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker telling Tyra to kiss his ass and all these man asses as he posed in a photo call for his new job as host of America's Next Top Nalgas. That was wishful fapping, because this is really British swan and choreographer Louie Spence at the opening of the Girls' Day Out Show in Glasgow, Scotland today. This is what you see when you put a rainbow under a microscope. This is also what it looks like when it's buffet night at the Scientology men's lounge. Grab the flavored butt lube and enlarge each pic at your own risk.

You'd think I'd be all into the WWE since they're in the business of serving up drama queen theatrics, staged cat fights, man nipple-to-man nipple action and Spandex-swathed crotches, but I'm not. So this is the time first that my retinas have been singed by the glorious ginger god from Ireland Sheamus! (My ho stroll nickname is Shame Ass. It's meant to be!)

The only thing I know about Sheamus is that he body slammed a trick at the WWE Smack Down in Dublin last night, has epic thighs that look like a whole chicken getting pulled out of a can, can make lighting by clapping his ass cheeks (I read this in the mythology section of Wiki), can keep a small village warm with the flaming hearth on his head and when he flutters his eyelashes it looks like two fireflies dancing in the night. I know that last part, because I made a flip book with these pictures. Yes, that's Sheamus' cue to head directly to the restraining order office.

And to answer your question, yes, I already Photoshopped my smiling face and gut on this picture.