HAHA On You

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger's leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it's been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K's Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I'm proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book "In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas". Till then, I'll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

Not everyone appreciates the deep thoughts that ejaculate out of Megan Fox's brain and pass through a broken filter before trickling out of her mouth hole. File Steven Spielberg's name under the "not everyone" category.

Shia LaDouche recently said that Megan left the Transformers movies, because she's like Steinem Spice and she was sick of Michael Bay directing her like she was a Real Doll. But Michael Bay tells the Daily Mail that the real reason why Megan got fired is because she hailed her foot right into her damn mouth. Normally, the sight of Megan Fox tickling her tonsils with her toe nails would make a bitch like her, but not Steven Spielberg, who is the executive producers of that Transformers mess.

During an interview a couple of years ago, Professor Whore Face Einstein said that Michael Bay is a nightmare to work with and acts like Hitler when he gets on a movie set. That verbal shit nugget put Megan at the top of Shitler's List. Michael says, "You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said, fire her right now."

Since Transformers, Megan's career has consisted of Jonah Hex and an indie movie where she played a slutty angel who had to dry hump on Mickey Rourke's salmon jerky body. I know that Michael Bay is basically the Joe Francis of movie directors, but this version of The Fall of Megan Fox actually makes sense. Steven Spielberg is not the one to fuck with in Hollywood. Fuck with him and your name will become nothing but a faded skid mark on the dirty chonies of Hollywood. You'll be lucky to get a job as a fluffer in an afternoon burro show in a basement on the outskirts of Tijuana. Which would be a step up from Jonah Hex actually.

And to answer your first question, the bus is fine.

Normally when you read about someone getting hit by a bus, you hope that everybody involved is okay. But when you read about Michael Lohan getting hit by a bus, you just have to bust out a: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Don't worry, Michael Lohan didn't get hurt or die. If he did, I'd have a few less HAs in there, okay? I'm not totally a freeze dried cunt.

TMZ reports that an L.A. metro bus wished Michael Lohan an early Father's Day by smashing into his Jaguar yesterday afternoon. Apparently, the bus tried to pass Michael Lohan at a stoplight and sideswiped his car. Nobody was injured and Michael's Jaguar barely has a few scratches on it

Michael Lohan gets hit by a bus, Lindsay Lohan regularly gets a train ran on her... I swear, the Lohans and public transportation ...

But seriously, finally, years of White Oprah reenacting the "Regina George gets mowed over by a speeding bus" scene with a Michael Lohan voodoo doll (made from the dehydrated carcass of a sea turtle) have finally paid off! I am skeptical, though. If a fame whore gets hit by a bus in the middle of Hollywood and a paparazzo isn't there to capture it, did it really happen?

With all the tsunami, earthquakes and other disasters, the country of Japan decided that its people have suffered enough so they crossed Russell Brand's name off of their guest list and did not allow him into the magical land of rainbow-wrapped fuckery. Russell tried to join his wife Katy Perry in Tokyo for her world tour, but Japan wasn't having it. They told him sayo-fucking-nara and said that the closest he's ever going to get to Japan is the sushi section at Todai. The reason was because of some illegal shit Russell did ten years ago. This is what Katy Perry Tweeted last night:

I'M SO EXCITED! I'M IN MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD! #JAPAN!!! #CALIFORNIADREAMSTOUR!!!
13 hours ago

So...my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so. sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place #tokyodreamscrushed
10 hours ago

It was for priors from over 10 years ago! #mamanothappy! #don'tmessw/mahman! #uwannaplaylet'sgo #don'ttakeawomansmanfromhershe'llgetshiasty!
10 hours ago

...But of COURSE I ♥ my Japanese fans & the show #MUSTGOON no matter the daily aftershocks or husband kidnappings! #it'snotrightbutit'sokay
10 hours ago

#FREE@RUSTYROCKETS! RT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 hours ago

Russell didn't seem to upset about it in his Tweet about this mess: "Planning escape from Japanese custody. It's bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick."

But the joke is really on Japan, because Russell got into the country the next day by using Nancy McKeon's passport.

On May 8th, together as a nation we will pry 8 swollen warts off of our armpit and toss them across the ocean to Florence, Italy where they will wreak havoc upon the people and suck the booze out of the city until all that's left is a few dried-up grape vine roots. Or maybe not. The Mayor of Florence, Matteo Renzi, has agreed to let Snooki and her band of humping drunktards past his city's front gates as long as they follow a strict set of rules. A strict set of rules that will most likely result in those whores turning into a dust that will be carried off to the spot where Sodom and Gonorrhea (Freudian slip that stays) once existed. Two words: NO BOOZE.

An Italian newspaper (via Gawker) posted the conditions that the Jersey Whores must follow:

The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.
The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.
The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.
The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food.

So they'll have to fill their veins with the sweet nectar in the privacy of their hotel rooms before they go out? They'll be like an 18-year-old me who couldn't find a fake ID, because I'm too ethnically ambiguous. I found a match in my friend's 40-something cleaning lady, but she refused to give up her old ID. Selfish.

Anyway, Snooki without booze is like SNOOKI WITHOUT BOOZE. She'll be fine for a few seconds, but the the itch for alcohol will be too much to bear and she'll start attacking those around her to suck the vodka directly out of their veins. Like a drunk zombie blob on the attack.

We should send Mayor Matteo a thank you card in advance.

Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

via ONTD

When Natalie Portman speaks, EVERYBODY listens (delivered in sarcasm leftovers wrapped in a take-home swan). The president of Dior announced today that they have taken their relationship John Galliano, tied it to the tracks and cackled as a speeding train ran over it. They have fired John Galliano after the whole "I love Hitler" mess. Their statement from The NY Times:

“I condemn most firmly the statements made by John Galliano which are a total contradiction with the essential values that have always been defended by the House of Christian Dior.”

Dior hasn't announced if they will cancel their show in Paris this week.

As for Galliano's future, who knows. I'm sure he's already getting offers to design Vanilla Gorilla's heil couture line of Nazi uniforms or to exclusively style Qadhafi. But I think Galliano will eventually accept the invitation to become one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses.

The group of hackers for a cause called Anonymous have already made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown when they took on The Church of LRo a few years ago, and now they're sharpening their keystrokes and going after The Westboro Baptist Church. You know those crazy bitches headed by Fred Phelps and his daughter Shirley Phelps. They're the ones who go around screaming that God hates everything from "fags" to "Jews" to "Lady Gaga" to "America." Judging by Shirley's dire eyebrow situation, God must really hate Tweezers since that trail of brow weeds above her hate balls have only been plucked with hot fireplace tongs and weasel teeth. But I digress...

Anonymous sent WBC an open letter last night threatening that shit will get forever real if they don't extinguish the hate by shutting down their websites and promising to never protest a funeral again. The full letter is here, but I've copy and pasted a piece for your below:

Your demonstrations and your unrelenting cascade of disparaging slurs, unfounded judgments, and prejudicial innuendos, which apparently apply to every individual numbered amongst the race of Man - except for yourselves - has frequently crossed the line which separates Freedom of Speech from deliberately utilizing the same tactics and methods of intimidation and mental & emotional abuse that have been previously exploited and employed by tyrants and dictators, fascists and terrorist organizations throughout history.

ANONYMOUS cannot abide this behavior any longer. The time for us to be idle spectators in your inhumane treatment of fellow Man has reached its apex, and we shall now be moved to action. Thus, we give you a warning: Cease & desist your protest campaign in the year 2011, return to your homes in Kansas, & close your public Web sites. Should you ignore this warning, you will meet with the vicious retaliatory arm of ANONYMOUS: We will target your public Websites, and the propaganda & detestable doctrine that you promote will be eradicated; the damage incurred will be irreversible, and neither your institution nor your congregation will ever be able to fully recover. It is in your best interest to comply now, while the option to do so is still being offered, because we will not relent until you cease the conduction & promotion of all your bigoted operations & doctrines. The warning has been given. What happens from here shall be determined by you.

WBC hates EVERYTHING but attention so obviously this is fueling their hate machine. WBC, who thinks they're Kiki Dunst in Bring It On, responded to Anonymous last night with this:

One of the only ways to successfully destroy the crazy mob of hatewhores at WBC is to buy up every piece of card stock so they won't be able to make signs anymore. Without a sign in their claws, the are nothing! It's like if I suddenly found out that I'm allergic to eating coconut frosting directly out of the tub. DESTROYED. The other way to destroy those slugs (no offense to slugs, they are wonderful garden creatures) at WBC is to sprinkle them with verb salt made of IGNORE.

And it's a good thing God does not hate popcorn, because we're going to eat a lot of it when we sit in Anonymous' side of the bleachers while watching this battle go down.

UPDATE: Put down the popcorn and let's all go home. Boo.gif. Anonymous issued another press release saying they never sent out the first press release. They aren't planning to attack WBC at this time and they say they have bigger bitches to broil.

via Towleroad

Massengill bottles spontaneously popped the day the douchebag of all douches Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild married his girlfriend Christina McLarty in a civil ceremony in Mexico almost two months ago. At the time, Joe pretty much tried to crown himself the new gay rights leader when he said that they wouldn't partake in a traditional marriage ceremony until their gay and lesbian friends can. Basically, Joe was just protecting his shit by throwing a rainbow flag around it. But that was definitely a good move, because after only two months, Joe's marriage to Christina has been roofied and left on the stained carpet of a Super 8 motel. Radar says that Christina has moved out of their Bel Air mansion and is living with her mother.

The source says that they're not sure if Christina's going to move back in with Joe, but the way things look right now their marriage is headed straight for divorce. Joe was apparently talking about the split at the Kardashian family Christmas party, "He was talking about the details of the separation openly while at the Kardashian holiday party. Christina moved out a bit after Thanksgiving."

Joe denied the story to Radar and then he asked to see their tits.

Let's say this shit is true, then Joe should be proud of himself because his marriage lasted twice as long as any of us thought it would! I mean, just think of having to restrain your fists every single morning from wanting to punch Joe in his highly punchable face after waking up to him? There's not enough Valium, praying or Xanax in the world to control that urge. It's as much of a natural instinct as farting in the tub to make a water bubble. Christina probably had to check out before she chewed her damn fists off. So Joe should really give himself a nice pat on the back for proving us all wrong. And by pat on the back, I mean punch to his own face.

When Lindsay Lohan's name did the flamenco off of Fishsticks Paltrow's tongue on last night's episode of Glee, I just knew that at a sports bar on Long Island somewhere LiLo's mother White Oprah just fell off her pleather burgundy stool. And not because her 4th Jägerbomb screwed with her balance like a sock on a cat's waist. It's because she was leaning over to pull out her phone in her purse to call her LAWYAHS! If you were thinking the same thing, we were all right! Glee better watch it, because the train of delusional has pulled into their station.

In the episode, Fishy played a substitute Spanish teacher who used the trial and tribulations of the mess that is Lindsay Lohan in her lesson. Fishy asked questions in Spanish like “Lindsey Lohan is totally crazy, right?” and “How many times has Lindsay Lohan been to rehab?” Questions that pinche puta loca White Oprah doesn't know the answer to in ANY language.

White Oprah thinks it's shameless and tasteless that Glee mocked her poor child's situation. You know what isn't shameless and tasteless? White Oprah going on the Today show to run her gross talk hole about her poor child's situation. No, that shit isn't shameless and tasteless at all. NEVAH.

White Oprah tells Gossip Cop that her lawyers “are sending a letter to Glee on the grounds that the show allegedly defamed" her daughter. LiLo's spokeswhore added, “Lindsay has an issue that millions of people around the world are dealing with yet ‘Glee’ is treating addiction as a laughing matter.” You know what isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter? Going on the VMAs and making fun of your own addictions. No, that shit isn't treating addiction as a laughing matter. NEVAH.

But seriously, Glee better just send everyone home, because White Oprah has this. It worked with E-Trade. When she's done the writers won't even have a pen or paper to write the scripts on, Sue Sylvester won't have a red tracksuit to put on and Fishsticks will have to downgrade from a 50-room English manor to her mother's basement apartment. Or Glee can settle with White Oprah by giving her a role as a woman whose mouth somehow gets stuck to Mr. Schue's left nipple for the rest of the season. Glee should take the deal.