You In Danger Girl
Page Six says that at Vanity Fair's after-Oscar party on Sunday night, Swedish lightning rod ASkars dropped in on the hand of Zeus and after waving away trick after trick throwing their soppy wet coochies at him, he zeroed his glare on the youngest Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. ASkars' ex-piece Kate Bosworth was also at the party, but I don't think she saw anything since one of the janitors mistook her for a brittle broom and used her to sweep up all the chocha dust that exploded everywhere when ASkars glided in.
A witness tells P6 that ASKars and Elizabeth Olsen were locked in each other's words in a dark corner for a long time. The witness didn't say if "talking in a corner" led to "Elizabeth climbing Mt. ASkars to explore his mouth cavern of orgasms with her tongue," which would eventually lead to Elizabeth frolicking all over ASkars' naked body. So let's hope it doesn't go past the corner.
I have nothing against Elizabeth Olsen. She's like the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens. She's harmless, but my allegiance forever belongs to the health and well-being of ASkars' Swedish nipple knobs. If shit gets serious between ASkars and Elizabeth, he'll eventually have to sit at the dinner table with the Olsen Trolls. ASkars' charm could make a dead vulture's peen swoon, but his powers have no effect on those evil Olsen Trolls. They would scurry up his body, slide down his mouth and eat him from the inside/out. The next time we'd see ASkars' nipples is when the Olsens wear them as earrings. This Elizabeth Olsen and ASkars thing can't happen. ASkars' nipples are at stake. Fartfull! (Fartfull isn't only the name of an Ikea bench, it's also my favorite Swedish curse word.)
I've already posted one picture of Chris Brown's mouth-breathing face today and we're all going to sleep in a shell made of roach motels after watching Pimp Mama Kris give birth to the Kardashians, so I figured that we've all been put through enough horrifying disgustingness for today and deserve a bouquet of kittens! Because even though the story below is some head shaking shit, it won't be that annoying when you've got a bouquet of young pussies to distract you for a second. Just don't tell me that the kitten in the middle is suffocating.
Outraged parents of America, organize your RiRi CD burning parties, because she's definitely riding on Chris Brown's skinny yard stick dick again. TMZ says that Chris went to RiRi's birthday party at the Hearst Mansion on Monday night and behaved like the ass bag that he is by making everybody sign a confidentiality agreement before he went inside. That party was obviously full of dumb bitches, because most of them signed an agreement stating that they will not tell the media that Chris was at RiRi's party. Once Chris' bodyguards collected all the signed agreements, the spoiled piece of shit went inside and spent most of the night getting on RiRi. Chris' rep says that he was at the party, but he only made the workers and people who took his picture sign the agreements.
There's also a rumor that Chris will sing on RiRi's Birthday Cake (Remix). I think an Ike & Tina cover would be more appropriate, but that's just me.
Chris Brown and RiRi hugging each other at her party after he made her guests sign some stupid shit is the reason why we can roll our eyes. Sometimes you just have to respond to a story with a lukewarm: whatthefuckever. Let's look at cake instead!
Yes, that is RiRi's actual cake. At first I thought it was Mousie from Mi Vida Loca riding a severed uncut dick or a piece of white dog shit. Then I figured out that it was RiRi riding a giant
joint spliff. RiR's cake, please meet Cakewrecks. Leave it to RiRi to make a delicious joint spliff look like a visual dry heave. The pimple on my nipple looks more like RiRi that that shit on her cake does.
My 6-year-old self could've made a better cake in my sister's half-broken Easy Bake Oven and I was dumber then than I am now (or is it, I was smarter then than I am now?). RiRi's party sounds about as pleasant as sucking on a urinal cake. You've got RiRi and Chris making out in the corner and an ugly cake. Every single ho at the party could probably tell exactly how many tiles were on the ceiling, because that's what they stared at all night since it was the only safe place for their eyes to go.
There's really nothing for me to add to this gripping as fuck tale of how Shakira's brother "Super Tony" bravely saved her from getting mauled to death by a seal, so I'll just let her tell you in her own words. How she can operate a keyboard after nearly getting murdered by a seal is beyond me. The woman is so..so..so...brave. From Shakira's Facebook (via People):
This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk while taking pictures... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life, taking me away from the beast. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly!
Seriously, is Shakira trying to make us believe that the seal mistook her BlackBerry for a damn fish? Shakira is basically calling that seal a dumb bitch! Shakira is leaving something out, I'm sure. I bet that Shakira started to serenade that seal and since her singing voice sounds like a hurt goat in trauma, the seal tried to eat her. Because seals obviously like to eat goats. Shakira is lying and that seal's good name must be cleared. Somebody drag Shakira's hips in for an interrogation since those motherfuckers always tell the truth.
Reese Witherspoon hasn't meant shit to me ever since she stomped her chin on Jake Gyllenhaal's fairytale wedding dreams, but she has redeemed herself by making the children cry. MTV (via Just Jared) asked Reese what she thinks about Justin Bieber remaking Fear and she could've let out some sugar coated publicist-approved bullshit, but instead she said this:
"Fine. Great. That would be cool. Would he be playing me or is he playing Mark Wahlberg?"
Reese then tried to make it sound like what she really meant is that he'll play a dude with a girl stalker, but CHIN please. Oh, Reese, when you're fighting off the rattle-wielding, mouth foaming Beliebers with your chin, just know that you're everyone's hero
for today for this afternoon for this hour.
via The Superficial
The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple.
Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time.
That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!
Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!!
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of unicorn tamer RPattz leaving the perfectly-named bar La Poubelle (translation: TRASH CAN) with a trick who doesn't look like the part of her brain that operates her motor skills was eaten away by snorting actual bath salts. RPattz left the bar with actress Sarah Roemer (Disturbia, The Grudge 2) and the two got into the same car together. Hit the ESCANDALO alarm! When two Hollywood hos get into the same car together, it obviously means that he's spreading his sparkly dick cheese all over her American biscuit. That's the only explanation, because Hollywood bitches don't carpool!
The literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, said that after they left Trash Can Bar, they headed to SoHo House in West Hollywood with their friends. After that, RPattz got into Sarah's car and they drove away together. Kristen Stewart was nowhere to be seen! RPattz probably kept Kristen Stewart busy at home by daring her to win a staring contest against a blinking strobe light. (SPOILER ALERT: She lost every round.)
I'm one of those cynical hos who believes that the studio pushed Kristen Stewart and RPattz together in real life to give the Twihards even more frenzied crotch seizures, but I don't think he'd be this obvious about it. RPattz only has a few more months on his contract with Kristen and then's free. This is obviously just one of those "boy dude having drinks with his lady friend" things. Or maybe RPattz is Kristen's pussy wrangler and he just went out to find her some coochie while she tried to win that staring contest. Yeah, that's probably it.
An Australian woman named Valeska Paris used to be a member of Tommy Girl's Happy Time Fun Church Of Crazy (aka Scientology) and is now talking to the media about how she was pretty much forced into doing slave labor on the organization's cruise ship called Freewinds (not to be confused with Rosie O'Donnell's Big Gay Cruise). Valeska was allegedly sent to work on the ship as punishment after her mom quit Scientology. For 12 years, Valeska slaved away for up to 18 hours a day on the ship's lower levels and was treated like shit out of a Thetan's ass by Scientology's head bitch in charge David Miscaviage. Valeska somehow got away and even though she's permanently scarred and can't even watch a Carnival cruise ship commercial without busting into a panic attack, she has amazing stories to tell. Some of those stories came from the time she worked Tommy Girl's big gay birthday extravaganzaaaaaa in 2004. Nobody brings the crazy like Scientology so you know this shit is going to be good.
Valeska tells the Village Voice (via The Superficial) that before his imperial space highness beamed down onto the ship, the slaves were told to only address him as "sir" and to not ask him for an autograph. The party was basically a giant finger banging Tommy in the butt. It was a Tom Cruise-theme party and there posters of his movies everywhere and the band played songs from his movies (except the ones he did with Nicole Kidman). But Valeska didn't even get to work Tommy's birthday party because her lip committed an act of treason:
“David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days,” she says. She explains that she was assigned the “condition” of “Treason,” which is below “Enemy” but above “Confusion.”
“I was in Treason. So I wasn’t allowed to go to Tom Cruise’s birthday.”
So that's why Katie "Herp Sore" Holmes always looks like she's been chained to a steam pipe for days on an end. Because she has!
Valeska wasn't the only woman on the ship who got punished:
And she says three young women from the IASA—the administration of the International Association of Scientologists—were disciplined after the party. "They were trying to get Tom's attention. So they were put in the engine room."
They really should've just put all of the women in the engine room at the beginning of the party, because we all know how pussies burst out a tsunami of barley cream every time Tommy sashays around. David Miscaviage knows this and warned the females of the crew before Tommy arrived:
“He said, ‘Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who’s going to serve him?’ A woman spoke up. ‘No, no, it can’t be a woman, because he’s so good looking, any woman would fall for him.’ So a guy had to take the job,” she says.
If you gathered a million people in the same place and told that line, their full body laughs would send the earth flying into Xenu's volcano. They should make wallpaper with that line on it and cover the closet walls with it. Yeah, Tommy can't get near any woman or they will instantly fall in love with him, which is why he only surrounds himself with hot man pieces. "Sorry, I can't fuck you, because you have a vagina and you'll instantly fall in love with me" is probably a line Tommy used often. Well played, Tommy!
Here's a video from Tommy's birthday party of him trying to sing with The X-Factor's Stacy Francis. This is like that awkward moment during your office holiday party when you realize that your drunk co-worker who is acting the fool isn't drunk, he's just naturally fucking crazy.
If I was at that party, I'd find a way to give myself a cold sore so I could be banished to the damn engine room and put out of my misery.
And here's Tommy sweating his pit Thetans off with Brad Bird and Paula Patton at the press conference for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in Tokyo today. All you women folk, don't stare too long or else you'll fall in loooooove.
You might think that Johnny Depp is having a million laughs in this photo shoot, sipping on the sweet nectar and sucking on a cigar, but nope. Johnny's got a counselor waiting in his dressing room and a nurse with a rape kit standing by, because he tells Vanity Fair (via Page Six) that posing in front of a camera makes him like he's being sexually violated. Paging Kristen Stewart. Paging Kristen Stewart. Please escort Johnny Depp to the registration office of the Think Before You Open Your Fuck Ass Mouth School of Public Speaking.
Johnny said that photo shoots are to him what hydrangeas are to Madge and they just make him feel dumb and stupid. Like rape! You know, because rape makes you feel dumb and stupid. Johnny is a regular Detective Olivia Fucking Benson.
Here's the comment that made Johnny's publicist take a hammer to the BlackBerry the media calls them on while using their other BlackBerry to tell his accountant to cut a check for a victims of rape foundation STAT!
“Well, you just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped ... It feels like a kind of weird -- just weird, man. [I'll pose with fans], but whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like -- you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.”
And Johnny also said this:
"Basically, if they’re going to pay me the stupid money right now, I’m going to take it. I have to. I mean, it’s not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it’s for my kids. It’s ridiculous, yeah, yeah. But ultimately is it for me? No. No. It’s for the kids.”
But back to the rape comment. What a mess. Yes, posing in a photo shoot to promote a movie that you were paid millions to make is SUCH TORTURE! But guess what, Johnny? Unlike rape, you actually get to choose whether or not you want to pose in a three thousand dollar suit in a magazine photo shoot. No REALLY means no when it comes to that shit. So Johnny should just stay away from a magazine's camera so he doesn't feel like he just had a lunch date with Roman Polanski. That way the magazine will have no choice but to publish old pictures of him when he was in the prime of his hotness. It's a win/win for us all.
P.S. - Terry Richardson took that picture. Do what you will with that information.
Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan was already lying at the bottom of a mountain of pathetic desperation, the moronic duffel bag of clearance bin coke grabs a shovel and digs even further.
While watching Chris Brown beat the stage at the VMAs, Blohan felt the urge to subtlety purge about her horniness for Urkel Turner by blowing him a Twatter wink:
@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs
@chrisbrown wanna meet?
All the used kitty litter Blohan snorts when she can't afford an 8-ball has eaten every bit of dignity she had left, because bitch doesn't even give a fuck anymore. Yes, most of us scream our faces off about how this dumb fuck needs to get some sense beaten into her, but I don't think this is what we had in mind. Speaking of that, Blohan is going to be extremely disappointed when she finds out that the kind of fisting she gets into is not the same kind of fisting Chris Brown gets into.
Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations seems like a kinky motherfucker who will handcuff you to his Waterworks kitchen faucet and smear your body with melted butter made from the milk of rare miniature cows imported from Holland, but butter will never melt for him again now that he has verbally thrown a ham at Paula Deen's face. Anthony took a break from eating panda brain burgers and capybara nipple pasta to cross his legs, purse his lips and get Paltrow-like on the kids in the cafeteria who buy lunch every day.
Anthony had some real shit to say to TV Guide about Paula, Rachael Ray, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri (government name: Heat Miser):
“The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you . . . plus, her food sucks.” About Ray: “Does she even cook anymore? . . . To her credit, she never said she was good at it.” On Lee: “I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly.” And Fieri: “I look at Guy and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.’ ”
Anthony can keep spitting out hate balls of cuntness at Rachael Ray since she's about as annoying as a dizzy dick who keeps hitting your taint instead of your sex hole. Sandra Lee can't hear what Anthony is saying about her since she's passed out head first in a punch bowl full of cooking wine, melted orange Popsicles and Fiesta Punch Shasta (aka chilled fizzy sangria). Guy Fieri, who cares about his ass. But Paula Deeeeeeeen?!!!!? Yes, a pacemaker shows up at my front door every time I see Paula make something like funnel cake grilled cheese, but she IS America. Paula's hair is the shade of a bald eagle's tear and she squirts out Ranch dressing (the official food of America)! Paula Deen is dangerous, alright. Dangerously delicious!
Paula pulled out her butter bat and hit back at the pretension shit Anthony launched out of his mouth. Paula told Page Six:
“Anthony Bourdain needs to get a life. You don’t have to like my food, or Rachael’s, Sandra’s and Guy’s. But it’s another thing to attack our character. I wake up every morning happy for where I am in life. It’s not all about the cooking, but the fact that I can contribute by using my influence to help people all over the country. In the last two years, my partners and I have fed more than 10 million hungry people by bringing meat to food banks.
My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable.”
You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine. My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills . . . It wasn’t that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too.”
I think what Paula really means is that her butter elves are currently trying to lure Anthony into her heart attack factory using Siberian tiger steaks. Don't be surprised if on the next episode of Paula's Home Cooking, you see her making double deep fried Bourdain butt cheeks with a candy apple butter sauce. "Cannibalism never tasted so good, y'all!"
Anthony really needs to stop being such a fancy queen. You know he'd down low nibble on Paula's butter crumble muffin if she served one up to him.