Orlando Bloom

At a screening of The Great Gatsby in NYC on Tuesday night, noted slut whore Gerard Butler was seen talking to de-winged Victoria's Secret angel and Orlando Bloom's wife Miranda Kerr for a few minutes. When photographers took pictures of Gerard and Miranda sharing words with each other, he asked them to kindly delete the pictures or he'd screw every single one of their husbands or wives and when they look down at the freshly bloomed genital wart on their husbands or wives' crotch, they'll think of him!

Page Six says that Gerard must've known one of the photographers on a friendly level, because when he asked the dude to erase the pictures, they "high-fived and bro-hugged." The source also says that Miranda was SMILING while talking to Gerard for 20 minutes.

What does it all mean?!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

Whatever, can't a married woman smile while talking to a certified slut for 20 minutes without a bunch of nosy hos thinking that something (read: his dick) is up? Yeah, no, not when it's Gerard Butler we're talking about. Something is always up when he's talking to a chick. I bet that in those 20 minutes, they boned 3 different ways, cuddled, shared a cigarette and boned 2 other different ways without anybody noticing. The Butler is that smooth. The Butler is that stealth.

And you know when Gerard Butler and that photog "bro-hugged"? Yeah, his dick did the reach-under anal move. He's that good.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

In case you couldn't tell from staring at this picture, Flynn Kerr-Bloom is the one with a face full of Kerr-tit and he's Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom's brand new 12-day-old son. Miranda posted this picture of leche time as well as a few words about her new bundle of awww on her blog:

On the 6th of January I gave birth to our beautiful little son Flynn. We cherish him. He weighed 9lb 12 ounces (a very healthy and big baby boy). I gave birth to him naturally; without drugs or painkillers and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it. I could not have done it without him.

Thank you everyone for your beautiful well wishes and your lovely thoughts and comments. I haven’t had a lot of time to read many comments or to respond, but please know I will when I do get a chance.

The attached picture is one that Orlando took of us.

Much love Miranda and Orlando

Birthing a 10 pound baby without lining her spine with epidural after epidural? Bitch must've had the Fellowship of ALL the Rings in the delivery room with her. Gandalf was throwing all kinds of "coochie loosening" spells in there.

And as for the name Flynn.... I once knew a Pomeranian named Flynn who always bit at my ex-boyfriend's feet, so I actually like the name. But Flynn paired with Kerr-Bloom sounds like my drunk ass slurring every which way while trying to order a flavored sake bomb. Miranda and Orlando are working with "Kerr-Bloom" and they throw Flynn in front of it? They could've went with something like Co Kerr-Bloom, or Po Kerr-Bloom, or Bam Kerr-Bloom. Something that really puts the BOOM in Bloom.

via ONTD

You can either read the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's "intimate and secret" wedding, or you can just skip down below to a video of two kittens falling into the Zzzzzzzs (aka you while reading the boring non-details of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's wedding). You should go through the door marked "SWEEPY KITTEHS." Seriously, go with the kittens. GO! You're on your way to the kittens, right? They are waiting to fall asleep for you. GO!

People Magazine reports that Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got married just a month after announcing their engagement. Miranda issued a statement of words explaining why she recently canceled an appearance she was scheduled to make at David Jones in Australia: "David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together."

Miranda didn't give up anymore details such as if pretty Orlando wore a tiara on his pretty head or if he went with a classic white veil. Miranda also didn't say how long the pretty fetus in her pretty womb has been hanging out in there. Well, your thoughts went there. And if you're reading this that means you didn't go with the kittens. You ignored the kittens! You are a monster! May a kitten never fall asleep in front of you again! Wait. Actually, if you tried to read this post instead of watching the sleepy kittens, you are probably asleep too...like the kittens! Sleep on then!

KITTENS!!! via TDW

While sashaying through the red carpet at tonight's National Movie Awards in London, Tommy Girl was suddenly hit with the little boy sads because he wanted to be the one wearing the stilettos instead of Stepford Katie. And it didn't stroke his mood in a good way that his face was even closer to her areolas. AND the stripes kept directing his eyes towards her Scientolocooch. It so was not Tommy's night. But maybe he perked up later in the men's room when he didn't have to stand on his tippity tippy toes to get a peek at DanRad's peen when they were pissing next to each other.

Anyways, here's more of Tommy and Katie along with Fishsticks Paltrow (who is getting shown up by her fan), Orlando Bloom, the Harry Potter kids, and Kylie Minogue.