Matt Lauer

Seen above saying "My foot will go in here any second now!," Matt Lauer hosted an UJA-Federation of New York on Tuesday night and used some of his time on stage to slap at himself a little bit.

One hundred Americans were recently asked (no, they weren't) if they would rather get a yeast infection while prolapsing at the same time or spend a minute with Matt Lauer, and all of them screamed, "I'll take the yeast!" Matt Lauer knows this, so he let everybody know that he knows they hate him.

“[I was] a bit surprised to be asked to host this dinner. If you’ve been following the papers lately, you know it’s been a bit rough for me. These days, I only get asked to host dinners if polio is busy. Yup, I have a lower Q rating than polio right now."

And he kept stabbing at himself when he introduced Katie Couric:

"Katie has a way of making headlines. Who can forget when she was co-host of the ‘Today’ show? She got a colonoscopy on TV. Not to be outdone, two weeks ago, I got one in The New York Times.”

There were three people in the country who didn't completely hate Matt Lauer, but they do now after he joked about polio. Congratulations for that, Matt Lauer!

via Page Six 

Matt Lauer's Today show contract with NBC doesn't end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they've had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).

Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline's source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn't want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But....

TMZ is hearing some different crap. They're hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.

The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox's parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn't.

Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.

I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with....Grumpy Cat. What I'm saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.

Matt Lauer's current $25-million-a-year contract with NBC will not be renewed, because Today's viewers went from loving to hate-watch him to hating to hate-watch him. Alex Trebek's final contract as host of Jeopardy! ends sort of around the same time that Matt Lauer's contract ends and you know where I'm going with this so let's just all scream NOOOOOOO! together.

The New York Post says that in 2016, 72-year-old Alex Trebek will retire as host of Jeopardy! and Sony Pictures Television, who owns the show, is already putting together a list of possible replacements. Matt Lauer, who is currently at the bottom of the People I Want To Watch In The Morning list, is at the top of Sony's list. Alex has had a few heart problems recently, so he wanted to quit that bitch and retire this year. But Sony convinced him to stay for three more years, because they told him they need a lot of time to find his replacement.

Sony is also thinking of talking to America's sweetheart Anderson Cooper about taking the job. The Silver Fox is apparently into it. The Silver Fox hosted The Mole for a quick minute (and he always has an invitation to be the host of My Hole, sorry) and he likes the idea of hosting a game show, because the shooting schedule is easy. Sony thinks they're still a year-and-a-half away from seriously talking to The Silver Fox or Matt Lauer about the job, but a source says that major moves could be made before then.

America is thisclose to getting rid of Matt Lauer and Jeopardy! is already planning his return to television? Damn them. Matt Lauer is better than Alex Trebek at some things (example: Matt Lauer does a criminal check on every call girl he gets from the Yellow Pages. Alex made a rookie mistake), but hosting a game show isn't one of them. The silver-topped Canadian raisin that is Alex Trebek cannot be replaced!

But if Sony insists on going on with the show and replacing Alex Trebek, they should replace him with Sean Connery. Then Alex can be a contestant and he can mess with Sean for once.

Earlier this week, Matt Lauer tried to convince everyone that he's not the one who put Ann Curry on a bus headed straight for ByeBitchville and he should get 0% of the blame for the way her firing went down. Matt admitted that NBC didn't handle it right and he also said that he tried to get them to give her more time as co-host. Matt's damage control campaign came 9 months too late. The New York Times says that Matt is only trying to wash away the skid marks from his image now, because his popularity is falling faster than the hairs on his head.

Last month, staff members from Today and executives from NBC got together to talk about what they learned from focus groups. What they learned is that most people answered "HELL!" when asked where in the world do they want Matt Lauer to go to next? The viewers didn't exactly come out and say that they'd rather get a pap smear from a porcupine than watch Matt Lauer, but they did say, “What matters most is the anchor connection to the audience; what we need to work on is the connection.” Translation: WE HATE MATT LAUER!

Good Morning America kicked Today off of its morning show throne last April and that's when Matt Lauer's popularity started to drop. The Times says that when Ann was fired, Matt's popularity really went down the toilet.

Mr. Lauer’s Q Score — a measure of likability, treated as gospel by the TV industry — has fallen by more than half since he was paired with Ms. Curry in June 2011. It was a 19 that September; by this January it was a 9.

For the first time his counterpart on “Good Morning America,” George Stephanopoulos, has a higher score. For Mr. Lauer “the drop started happening in the beginning of 2012, and it’s slowly eroded since then,” said Henry Schafer of Marketing Evaluations, the company that surveys thousands of viewers to come up with the scores.

Several people who work for Today told the Times that Matt's contract will not be renewed when it expires in 2014. A rep for Today told EW that they aren't firing Matt and he can stay as long as he likes. What they mean by that is they're not going to renew his contract, but they're going to let him say that he's quitting, because he wants to spend more time with his wife, children and side pieces.

I've said this before, but Ann never worked as co-anchor. I liked her when she was telling me about Syria, but I didn't like her when she was sucking on the air that Brad Pitt exhaled. Ann needed to go and the rest of them need to go to. Fire Matt! Fire Al! Fire Atlanta (or whatever her name is)! Fire all of them! Replace them all with kittens. Kittens work for cheap, they aren't smug and they won't fuck all the interns.

Before and after Ann Curry was dumped from the Today show, there were dozens of stories about how Matt Lauer was the one who ordered a hit out on her and he's the one who drafted her walking papers. Fuel was added to that fire when Ann hugged everybody but Matt on her last day. With Good Morning America beating Today in the ratings, Matt is now trying something called last-minute damage control. Matt tells The Daily Beast that while everyone was thinking he's the one who dragged Ann out the exit door, he was telling NBC to give her more time as his co-anchor.

Some source tells The Daily Beast that when Matt was told that Ann was out, he begged them to give her more time before pushing her into a smaller role. Steve Capus, the former president of NBC News, backed up that source's claim by queefing this out:

“When Matt was informed that we had made this decision, his good counsel was to go slow, to take care of Ann, and to do the right things. He was quietly and publicly a supporter of Ann’s throughout the entire process. It is unfair that Matt has shouldered an undue amount of blame for a decision he disagreed with.”

Matt admits that before Ann was let go, he took her to lunch and told her that he initially didn't want her as his co-host. Ann didn't have an agent at the time, so Matt advised her to get one right away. Ann already had an open sore on her heart from knowing that she was about to lose her job and then Matt pissed on that open sore by telling her he never wanted her to have the job in the first place. How nice of him. Matt really is supporting.

Matt then said that he knows Ann's firing wasn't handled very well.

“I don’t think the show and the network handled the transition well. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that. It clearly did not help us. We were seen as a family, and we didn’t handle a family matter well.

In some ways being No. 2 in the ratings is a real shot in the arm, a kick in the pants. It makes you hungrier ... I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a fire lit under your ass.”

What I got from this piece is that when Matt takes you out for a work lunch, he's only taking you out to tell you that he wishes he wasn't having lunch with you, because he wishes you weren't hired to work alongside him in the first place. What I also got from this piece is that Matt likes his side hos to dip their fingers in some hot sauce before fingering his b-hole.

Ann Curry announced on Today this morning the news we've all known for weeks: NBC did her dirty by pushing her out as co-host after just a year on the job. As Ann announced that today is her last day as co-host, she choked on Matt Lauer's smugness and cried, because she had to be a professional and resist the tempting urge to strangle him in front of the cameras. Ann said that she's staying at the network and will travel the world covering serious news stories for NBC News and Today. Ann said that she loves the viewers, will miss the viewers, especially loves the crew and hopes that Matt drowns in a pool of his own shit. Okay, Ann didn't say that last part, but I'm pretty sure I saw that line sitting at the tip of her tongue, waiting to fly.

Ann ended her BYE BITCHES speech by saying, "For all of you, who saw me as a groundbreaker, I'm sorry I couldn't carry the ball over the finish line, but I did try." Then Matt, Al Roker and Natalie Morales took turns telling their favorite Ann stories from the past 14 years. It felt like I was watching a memorial service with bright lightning. Ann isn't DEAD! I don't even know why Ann cried unless she was crying warm tears of happiness. Ann is getting millions of dollars in her exit settlement, doesn't have to look at Matt's baby ostrich head anymore and no longer has to go to bed when Jeopardy! comes on TV. Ann is the real winner here.

The most awkward part was when Ann hugged Al, hugged Natalie and didn't even try to hug Matt. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you don't hug a bitch you hate, because you're afraid that your arms will take over and squeeze that trick until their internal organs pour of their mouth. Then you'll do a dance on that bitch's insides. Ann probably felt that would be a little much for morning television.

Ann also gave an interview to USA Today last night where she said that she knew she was going to get fired and is sad to go, because the Today co-host job has been her dream job. Ann also said that the leaks about her firing have "hurt her deeply" and she doesn't blame herself for why Today's ratings are dropping. When asked about Matt, Ann said this:

"Obviously he's considered the golden boy of morning television. He's so good when you sit next to him; it's hard not to be helped by that. He's funny and glib, and he knows how the show works. It's been my honor in this last year to sit next to him."

GLIB!!! That tickling sensation Matt feels in his ears is from Tommy Girl loudly cackling in the distance. And with that subtle shade, Ann wins again. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, assholes, goodbye!

Because I won't stop posting HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of the fucking Today show until I totally reach the "midnight snack at 8" demographic, here's some more HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of Today. In my sorta defense, it's summertimes, it's kind of slow, there's not much going on and it was either this or a video about a horrific wall of Teddy Ruxpins. (That's next.)

Either this week or early next, Ann Curry will jump down the inflatable escape slide while flipping off all those bitches who did her wrong. The producers of Today are preparing Savannah Guthrie for the co-host job by spraying her down with douche repellent so Matt Lauer doesn't try to grope her while they're sitting next to each other. Savannah was picked over Natalie Morales and Page Six says that has Natalie pissing shit. Natalie was mad when the producers chose Ann Curry over her and now she's really mad that they've screwed her over again by going with Savannah. Sources tell Page Six that Natalie could follow Ann Curry down that inflatable escape slide, because she's sick of getting shafted by the producers. Speaking of getting shafted...

The National Enquirer says that the reason why the producers didn't offer the job to Natalie Morales is because Matt Lauer's wife Annette threatened to stab their marriage in the heart if that happened. Annette knows all about the rumors that Matt passed his peen to Natalie and she doesn't want them to get any closer than they already are. A source put it like this:

“When she heard about Ann getting the boot, the first thing Annette told Matt was that she didn’t want him cozying up any closer to Natalie. In fact, Annette drew a line in the sand and said if he pushed show bosses to make Natalie his new co-host, she’d divorce him! Annette knows Matt is the key to the ‘Today’ franchise and his bosses will put whoever he wants in the co-host chair.

I heard that Matt had an extramarital affair with gorgeous Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.”

When I look at Natalie's son, I don't have the sudden urge to launch the word "glib" from my tongue, so I doubt he's half Lauer.

NBC shouldn't stop at firing Ann. They should fire everybody and redo the entire show. They should stick a hidden camera in Matt Lauer's crotch bush and show 4 hours of the adventures of his wandering peen, because that shit sounds more interesting than anything on Today. Kathie Lee Gifford can narrate it from the bottom of her wine closet.

It's not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah's the one all the way to the right who's giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah's deal to be Today's new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn't announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock's betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi's "Hero" on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That's what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren't going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host.... I was hoping if it wasn't going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled "Natalie Morales Matt Lauer" this came up:

But then again, when I Googled "Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer" this came up:

And "Ann Curry Matt Lauer":

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily 'Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn't been winked at by Matt Lauer's peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.

Ann Curry will soon let out her last "good morning, good morning, good morning, everybody, morning" as co-host of Today, because Matt Lauer hates her and he's hoping that for his next edition of "Where in the World Is Matt?" he'll report from her vacant office. For months now, there's been rumors that the producers of Today can't wait to pink slip Ann, and when Matt resigned, he let them know that he really wants a new co-host. Cut to last night when The New York Times reported that the producers will push Ann out of the anchor chair any day now. They're hoping to get Ann out before the Olympics start. So your dream of seeing Ann awkwardly say "mmmm hmmmm" next to a topless Michael Phelps has been crushed!

TMZ says that the NBC peacock put on its trench coat, covered its face with a fedora and met Meredith Vieira in a dark alley to offer her the co-anchor job back. Ann got the job a year ago after Meredith quit, because she was sick of waking up at the hour of the ungods and wanted to spend more time with her family. Meredith turned their asses down, but will stay on as a special correspondent.

Since Meredith is over that shit, NBC has put third hour co-host Savannah Guthrie at the top of their list. Some sources say that NBC will make Ann a foreign correspondent since she's better at reporting from Darfur than asking Kim Kardashian how often she bleaches her asshole hair.

Yeah, Savannah Gurthie is their top choice. They can choose between Savannah, Natalie Mortales and Tamron Hall, and they go with Savannah's unflavored oatmeal ass? That's like saying Shelley Hack is your favorite Charlie's Angel.

Watching Ann interview guests during a fluff piece is about as pleasant as having butt sex with a cactus, but she's not the main problem. I watch that mess every day and every day they show me a viral video I watched three weeks ago, show me how to make a salad, show me the latest summer trends in white capris and force feed me Star Jones' opinion on stupid shit. So yeah, what I'm saying is that it's Star Jones' fault. BLAME STAR JONES.

"Guuuuuuurrl, what's that smell?" is a line that came out of the mouth of Ryan Seacrest's assistant this morning and his assistant quickly learned that smell was the lump of sad he made in his underoos after finding out that he's not going to replace Matt Lauer on Today after all. Matt Lauer will glib another day, and then some, because he has signed a new long-term deal to stay on as the co-host of Today for years to come. Matt's current contract expires later this year.

There's a reason why in the picture above Matt looks as awkwardly uncomfortable as GOOPY Paltrow when someone wearing clothes from Sears tries to hug her. Gawker reported almost two weeks ago that Matt wants Today to be a Curry-free zone and would only sign a new contract if the producers dropped her ass. Good Morning America has beat Today in the ratings for the first time in the history of forever and Matt is blaming the stale chemistry between him and Ann Curry for that. So since Matt has signed on, I'm guessing that Ann Curry will soon be saying "good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning" to the clerk at the unemployment office.

I liked Ann Curry before she took over for Meredith, but ever since then it's been painful to watch her. The worst is when Ann interviews a family that has just suffered a tragedy and she has to show with her face that she cares. I haven't seen that kind of blatant overacting since I watched a porn star wearing a dildo hat pretend like she was getting pleasure from another porn star humping it. I swear, a bowl of old curry has better interviewing skills than Ann Curry does.

Today should fire Ann, demote Matt to wine pourer and give Hoda & Kathie Lee all four hours. The ratings would plummet, but Joel McHale's heart would soar.