Panty Creamer of the Day

Enrique Iglesias once joked that he was hung like a baby horsefly. We've never gotten proof that this isn't the case....until now! In Enrique's never-before-seen video from 2000 for the Bruce Springsteen cover "Sad Eyes," he unveils his 12-foot long dick that is made entirely of chrome! I'd still take a ride on Enrique's stripper dick, even if it gave my ass iron poisoning. Wouldn't be the first time.

It's best if you watch this Skinemax-approved porn video at the 3:00 mark with the sound off, sitting on your dryer, with a tub of baby wipes near you, three types of lotion at your side, a clothespin on each nipple an all the lights off.

Your body moles may jizz. And now I just killed the mood by painting that image.

via Tabloid Prodigy

And this time I mean it in a good way. Jared Leto is 37-years-old and dude looks like he still gets carded for cigarettes in most states. Yes, he's wearing one of Johnny Depp's old ensembles from 21 Jump Street and he's trying to summon the unicorns with his "Ode to the Magical Forest" hair, but I don't mind it. I also don't mind that he looks he should be hooked up to an IV full of Ensure. If we were both on Survivor, we could rub our twig legs together to start a fire and save the entire tribe!

Here's Peter Pan Catalano with his bandmates in Los Angeles yesterday.

Here's Scott Speedman shuffling around the streets of Beverly Hills in man-flops with his fresh out of the oven (not an ode to JLo) muffin top peeking out. It needs butter. Okay, okay, I know Scott doesn't look like he belongs on a Betty Crocker box, but "muffin top" sounds so much more delicious than "stomach" or "belly."

This picture of Alexander Skarsgard grabbing onto a dude's titty at Fantastic Fest '09 will probably find itself inserted into Photoshop about a million times, because crazed True Blood hos (yours truly included) will be pasting their heads on this shit. I mean, we all want Vampire Eric to place his sexy hand on our nipple while holding a Stella in the middle of a freezer.

Something tells me the dude's face lips aren't the only pair of lips puckering up. OW! Eric has that effect on everyone.

If that was me, I'd never wash or lick my nipple ever again. My nipple would be looking like a crusty 7-layer dip after about a year, and I still wouldn't take a towelette to it.

Source: PoshDeluxe VIA Just Jared

There's really no better way to start the day then a little Mah Boo Anderson Cooper sitting on the edge of my coffee cup saving "hello" at me. Or maybe he's waving me away. Who cares about technicalities! I just want to plop him into my coffee, because he's the sweetest sugar cube in the sugar factory. And that was the gayest sentence in the gay factory.

Here's a bleary-eyed (but still oh-so-sessy) Mah Boo catching a cab in NYC yesterday heading to the flower store to buy me a huge bouquet, hundreds of silver balloons and a teddy gram. Okay, he was probably buying it for NeNe or for his current salad chef, but again...TECHNICALITIES!

Actually, it looks like Kellan Lutz from Twilight is busting a major cream fountain in his panties over himself. Dude is seriously "riding his own dick reverse cowgirl-style" with his eyes while working out in Vancouver the other day. Put a lubricated condom on his eyeballs.

And yes, I'd hit it (DURR), but only with protective goggles on. If one of Kellan's Vadge-approved veins pop, roid milk will explode everywhere.

Here's something to cleanse your palette after the diarrhea-covered atrocity below. Nothing will make you wet in the mouth and tingly in the genitals faster than a big piece of greasy manstick. And today's serving is courtesy of Eggs from True Blood. Eggs made peen holes sing and pussies faint when he brought out his buttery nipples at yesterday's Tag the World Celebrity Charity Triathlon in Waikiki, Hawaii. Bitch is all lubed up and ready to go!

Other "celebrity" contestants at the triathlon tried to make hos bust cream in their panties, but nobody brought it like Eggs. Jeremy Jackson (aka Hobie from Baywatch) is sort of giving me peen goose bumps, but dude still looks like he suffers from meth dick, which is the worst kind. You know, meth dick is when it shrinks up a bit and barfs after 2 quick seconds of hard awkward pounding. That's some "I want mah money back" dick.

Also, Andy Baldwin, that Bachelor dude who breaks my gaydar every time, got half-nekkid, but he does nothing for me. It's like staring at a soggy bowl of Grape Nuts. Nothing.

Quick! Put a cork in your fuck hole, because you know it's about to blooooow! You will not be able to contain yourself while gazing at these pictures of the scalding hot adonis that is Mickey Rourke!

You know you're going to eat a giant stuffed roasted chicken dinner tonight with all the fixings. You're going to lick every greasy bone while fantasizing about Mickey's rotisserie tittays. Do not deny it! My no-no lips just crumpled up into my love cave (copyright: Tracy). Although, that might not have anything to do with Mickey. Sometimes my ass lips observe Sundays. Go figure.

Here's Mickey and some piece making the sea creatures bust jizz bombs in Dubrovnik, Croatia.

Let's take a break from all things Gosselin, so that I can profess my b-hole's love for Dustin Hoffman's 28-year-old son Jake. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper better return one of the ten thousand messages I leave on the CNN comment line daily or I will immediately transfer all my affections to the ever-so dreamy Jake Hoffman. Yeah, I think I just sealed my fate with Mah Boo. Enough about Mah Boo (I don't mean that), this post is about Jake!

Yes, his t-shirt is torn in the wrong place and slightly douchy, but let's focus on his hair. HIS HAIR. You know you just want to rub your nalgas all over that mop. It's even okay if the top mop matches the crotch mop. A few hundred pubie follices in the teeth never hurt anyone! I'm sure most dentists recommend it!

So sorry to Justin Timberlake, Jared Leto and Bradley Cooper, but the role of the Green Lantern has been snatched up Mr. Panty Creamer himself: Ryan Reynolds. Variety says that Ryan will start shooting the movie this January for a June 17, 2011 release.

The Green Lantern is based on the comic about some ordinary human who was the power ring by an alien whose spaceship crashed on Earth. The alien was in town to find a human to take his place as the Green Lantern. Oh and obviously, the Green Lantern dude carries a battery powered lantern.

While my no-no agrees with this casting decision, I think the producers should change just a couple of things if they want this to be a blockbuster hit. So, instead of a stupid lantern, I think they should paint Ryan's peen green and stick a light bulb in its mouth. Yes, a lot of bitches will pay to see Ryan's sexy ass carry a lantern around, but more bitches will pay top dollar to see him wielding his bright green peen. And instead of wearing the power ring on his finger, he should wear it on his cock. Obviously.

P.S. -You know Tommy Girl's hongray Scientolohole just called its agent to request an audition for the role of the alien.