Kendra

HAIL XENU! After turning down almost every season of Dancing with the (Pause) Stars (Question Mark), Kirstie Alley has finally realized that a fourth Look Who's Talking? is never going to happen and is now going to waddle for that mirror ball trophy! We can make jokes about how Kirstie's partner has already signed a disability waver and how he's going to keep her chins up during the waltz by dangling a deep fried butter nugget over her head, but she looked as light as John Travolta's heatproof sauna wig during the announcement ceremony last night. Yes, they actually had a fucking announcement ceremony for this WHO CARES mess. But anyihopekirstiesdressesareallmadeofcondiments...

Whenever the newest batch of dancing relevant seekers is announced, I always judge how big and bold the Has-Beens in the title should be by how many question marks form above my head while looking at a cast photo. You can play too! Here's the 11 people who will be called "a seductive panther stalking its prey in the middle of a dance floor jungle" by Bruno at least once during the season. Warm up your question mark making machine!

Kirstie Alley (paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) - Twitter's first lady of crazy and the reason why Krispy kremes

Kendra (paired with Louie van Amstel) - Hef's former catheter changer and the owner of the most annoying laugh on the planet (even worse than Natalie P's)

Sugar Ray Leonard (paired with Anna Trebunskaya) - Tommy Davidson's alter ego, world champion fighter and the new object of Kirstie's affection (dude does have "Sugar" in his name)

Wendy Williams (paired with Tony Dovolani) - self-proclaimed queen of all media and talking wig

Chelsea Kane (paired with Mark Ballas) - some Disney ho

Ralph Macchio (paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice) - the ONLY Karate Kid

Chris Jericho (paired with Mop Head) - WWE champion wrestler

Petra Nemcova (paired with Dmitry Chaplin) - tsunami survivor and model

Psycho Mike Catherwood (partner unknown) - cohost of Love Line

Hines Ward (paired with Kym Johnson) - the wide receiver for the Steelers and the second object of Kirstie's affection (dude is a "Duncan" away from being Duncan Hines)

Lil' Romeo (paired with Chelsie Hightower) - rapper and the spawn of Master P

My brain is the Wikipedia of D-listers and never wases, but I still threw a "Harpo, who dis woman?" at three names: Psycho Mike, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane. So I give this cast 3 Que Cats:

Not bad! And of course, I'm rooting for Kirstie, because I can't wait to see her double down ass in Maksim's face.

No, Kendra is not declaring on the cover of OK! Magazine that she had a miscarriage. Kendra is also not admitting to OK! Magazine that she misplaced her baby while changing his diaper and talking on the phone at the same time (Note to Kendra: Multitasking is for professionals). When you turn the cover of OK! Magazine, the first two pages read in giant letters: SYKE!!!!! The "tragic news" is that Kendra has sent her baby Hank to live with her husband in Minnesota for a while and now she's lonely in her great big California mansion.

Fucking with your emotions: OK! knows how to do it.

Is really that slow of a gossip week that Kendra and OK! had to try to resuscitate your blackened heart with this sob story that isn't even a sob story. I mean, this is the opposite of tragic. Baby Hank is no longer exposed to his mother's "Woody Woodpecker getting ass fucked by the Energizer Bunny" laugh. That is HAPPY NEWS! Wasn't there something else OK! could've put on their cover instead? Like the woman busting her ass on local TV? That's newsworthy! Or that Yoko Ono might secretly be a World of Warcraft Monster? That's newsworthy too! Eh, I guess it could've been worse. They could've put a Kardashian on the cover.

In this week's issue of Boo Fucking Hoo Weekly, Hugh Hefner's former nappy changer Kendra Wilkinson makes a heartfelt plea for you to light an Our Lady of Guadalupe candle in her honor and save your prayers for the starving children of the world for another day because she has it harder. Before you open your front door to kick at Kendra as she begs for your pity on the ground, read her plight!

Kendra on how she took her 11-month-old son Hank Jr. back to L.A. after her husband Hank Baskett got dropped by the Philly Eagles and signed to the Minnesota Vikings: "Not having Hank around hurts. Moving across the country by myself makes me think of my own mom who raised me and my brother alone. Hank's not going to be there forever, but with him not physically here, I'm a single parent now."

Kendra on why she isn't moving to Minnesota to be with Hank: "I fit in well in Philly, and I could relate to all the people, but the West Coast is my home. This is where all my family and friends are."

Kendra on how she felt once her husband GOT A JOB by signing to the Vikings: "It hurt a lot. When Hank left I felt lonely. He's my everything. Nobody else can really fill that loneliness. We cry. It's hard, and we aren't ashamed to cry."

Kendra on how this Christmas will be the HARDEST CHRISTMAS in the history of Christmases: "I'm going to go back to the minus-2-degree weather to spend Thanksgiving, baby Hank's 1st birthday and Christmas in a small one bedroom hotel room with my husband and son. That's all that matters to me."

Yeah, see. How can you not form a cry circle for a single and lonely parent. Specifically, a single and lonely parent whose HUSBAND deposits thousands of dollars into their checking account and pays for the mortgage on their California mansion and their tab at Bristol Farms and the car payments on their fleet of German luxury vehicles. So stop your bitch whining about how you're going to have to float checks to cover your November rent, because at least you're not Kendra.

But seriously, Kendra needs to scrub the crusted tears off her retinas so she can get a good look at Hank Jr. and rectify his beauty situation! THAT HAIR! Richards Simmons in the back and Emo in the front is not the look for him. Once she fixes that, she can figure out what Hank Jr's season is since that particular shade of lip chap is doing nothing for his eyes.

In Kendra's first book "Sliding Into Home" (Do what you will with that title), she talks about the first time she ever got it on with Hef and it pretty much sounds like the most romantic experience ever. Instead of Barry White playing in the background, they were serenaded by the hum from Hef's blood pressure machine. Instead of flickering candles, the room was lit up by the nekkid peroxide blondes awaiting their turn to leave their dignity on Hef's shriveled crotch worm. I'll let Kendra tell you the rest in her own words:

"One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef’s room. In my head I could hear my mom’s voice, ‘You know they have orgies there.’ I said 'Okay, if I have to.' It seemed like every other girl was going and if I didn’t it would be weird. One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him for about a minute. I studied their every move. Then it was my turn, it was very weird. I wasn’t thinking about how much older Hef was, all the body parts worked the same. I wanted to be there."

Basically if you're one of Hef's hos, you wait in line to grab the defibrillator pad from the skank before you so that you can jumpstart his heart again before mounting and pumping him. Then when Hef's heart stops, that's your cue to hand the pad off to the next trick and join the others in the shower room next door where they are all on the floor silently weeping into their hands. Sign us all up, because that sounds like an orgy ride none of our genitals can miss!

Source: Simon & Schuster via Star Magazine

In case you really don't give a used colostomy bag about Kendra Wilkinson's latest release in Time Life's long-running Z-list fuck tape series, get into the picture above instead. This is Kendra back in her high school days when she would do ANYTHING to sit at the round green plastic table with the exquisite cholitas.

Kendra even shaved her brows off with a rusty Bic and prayed to the Sharpie Gods when she drew the whisper of a weepy clown over her eyes. Even though the cholitas jumped Kendra into their "gang" behind the gym, they never fully accepted her. They let her carry their starter jackets and remove the hickies from their cheeks with a frozen spoon, but she was never one of them. You and me both, Kendra. You and me both.

Anyletsmakeoutinthebackofabrownlincoln, Radar reports that a second Kendra sex tape is already making the rounds. This time, Kendra's fuck tape co-star is a chick. Sources who have seen the tape says toys are involved and shit gets really graphic. One source went on to say, "This is really, really graphic and showing her in compromising positions; things you would think would be embarrassing for her."

Vivid already has the lezzie tape in their hands and they are thinking about releasing it as a sequel to Kendra Exposed. I'm sure there will be a box set out in time for the holidays!

Like I've said before, Kendra has nothing to be embarrassed about. Kendra has spent many mornings flossing the cumwebs out of her teeth after sucking Hef's dehydrated worm, so a lesbian sex tape is Disney shit compared to that.

Kendra's debut sex tape is supposed to be released later this month, and she's apparently still trying to fight it. Radar is still saying that Kendra tried to whore several tapes out a few years ago, and now they are saying that she made fuck films with "multiple partners." Now, we don't know if that means Kendra brought the camcorder out every time her clitoris danced with a different dick, or if she got passed around like a bottle of Squeeze Bacon at the Chawners family reunion.

Radar reports:

New documents uncovered by RadarOnline.com show that not only were there multiple sex tapes , as we exclusively reported, but also multiple partners!

And while Kendra has threatened to sue if the tapes are released she has not returned requests for comment about her attempts to secretly sell the tapes and the company she formed in November, 2008 to do so.

While attempting to sell the tapes in 2008 Kendra was already with Philadelphia Eagles' wide receiver Hank Baskett, who is now her husband. She needed the approval of Playboy’s Hugh Heffner to go through with the deal, as she was starring in her final season of The Girls Next Door.

And while the deal never went through, the documents governing the deal show that the tapes “featured” her in intimate relations with others.

Again, I'm not even batting one eye lash at the mention of Kendra's sex tape possibly featuring an all-out messy gang bang. It's like the trailer park version of Caligula.

This is Kendra we're talking about! Even if she filmed a sex tape with a real-life Catholic priest and she wasn't dressed like an altar boy, I still wouldn't reach for the smelling salts. Any ho who gets naked with Hugh Hefner is a freak of every week.

Kendra Wilkinson dramatically threw her hand over her forehead and cried about how she was devastated to learn that a sex tape she made years ago is about to be made public through Vivid Entertainment. Kendra is trying to kill the tape before it gets released, but Radar is saying that she tried to peddle that same tape over a year ago.

Yes, Kendra tried to leak her own tape. In the industry they call that "A Paris Hilton." They also call it "A Kim Kardassian." And "A Pamela Anderson." And "A (insert the name of your favorite fuck tape star here)." A celebwhore trying to extend their 15 minutes by extending their vagina all over a penis on camera is a story as old as Larry King.

Radar got a hold of a few documents that prove that Kendra and her people were in the process of whoring the tape out to the highest bidder before she got married to Hank Baskett and birthed their baby. Kendra wanted complete control of how the tape would be edited before they sold it.

Who knows if Kendra is part of this latest leak, but if she is then she's putting on her fake game face, because her lawyer is still trying to wrestle the tape out of Vivid's permanently spermy hands. Vivid refuses to let go and plans to show Kendra in all her glory later this month.

Kendra probably got cold vag about the tape after marrying Hank and getting knocked up. Maybe she doesn't want her kid to see her giving a demonstration on how he was made (ugh). But honestly, knowing that everyone has seen his mother getting down on the peen isn't going to force him into a life of therapy and anti-depressants. Listening to Kendra's "Elmer Fudd with brain damage" laugh all day will hold that honor.

One of Hugh Hefner's former bedpan orderlies, Kendra Wilkinson, is not exactly queefing happy balloons over the news that a fuck tape she made several years ago is about to be released through Vivid Entertainment. Yes, and there you were thinking Kendra was a virginal pilgrim who wore a pair of cotton panties over and under her pantyhose and only accepted pearl necklaces from the joo-ree department at KMart. Perfect image shattered.

Apparently, Kendra boned on camera before she moved into the Playboy Mansion in 2004 when she was 19.

Vivid shot loads all over the place when they released this statement about Kendra's tape. Seriously, reading this statement is like blowing a dude with an excessive pre-ejaculation issue.

'We know that Kendra has millions of fans and we feel that it's rare to find well-produced, hardcore footage of a star of her magnitude. The tape was brought to us by a third party and after consulting with our attorneys, we are confident in our right to distribute it. We've been trying to reach Kendra but have so far been unsuccessful. We therefore made the decision to release 'Kendra Exposed' to stores across the country by the end of May,' said Steven Hirsch, founder/co-chairman of Vivid. “We believe this could be our all time best selling celebrity tape.”

“Kendra Exposed” will be distributed under the Vivid-Celeb imprint and Kendra will joining such celebrities as Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Kim Kardashian and Ray J, former Miss USA Kelli McCarty, Shauna Sand and others whose sex tapes have also been released by Vivid.

The explicit tape was made before she was engaged to and then married Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. The name of her sex partner in the video, that was shot prior to her moving into the Playboy mansion, has not been revealed.

Kendra confirmed that the tape is real and issued this statement through her spokeswhore to OK! Magazine:

Kendra’s attorneys are currently evaluating and pursuing Kendra’s rights with respect to the purported video and any third parties involved in the possible sale, reproduction or distribution of the same. During this difficult time, Kendra and her family would greatly appreciate the respect of their privacy.

In Famewhorenese, "respect our privacy" really means "BUT WATCH OUR REALITY SHOW ON E!".

After reading this mess, I was more shocked to learn that this is her first ever leak. I was under the assumption that you could check out a Kendra sex tape from the history section at the public library.

I know Kendra wants everyone to see her as a wholesome mother and wife instead of a trick who used to get nekkid with a live corpse, but a sex tape is not a big deal at all. Everyone has one. Besides, it could be a lot worse. She could've made a fuck tape with Hugh Hefner instead. And I know I would rather be called a "porn star" by the PTA mothers instead of a "dead body fucker."