Jakey Gyllenhaal

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven't put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto's partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as "brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed." Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world's premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe's singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don't care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here's a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they're able to sing is when they sing into each other's butts. It's what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here's Chris Pine at last night's L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.

Man, that Suri Cruise chick is a friggin' diva. And way too big to be carted around like that. NYC does have some dirty-ass sidewalks, but seriously. No wonder why Katie Holmes looks so fatigued all the time. She's carting Tiny Tim Suri around like the girl has polio and she's lost her crutches. Stepford Katie is supposedly dating Jake Gyllenhaal, according to The Sun. Jakey's in good shape, so maybe she's just looking for a dude to hold her snooty daughter. Or there was a glitch in her server and the bearding program was reactivated?

A source said: "Josh has been the mastermind behind this romance. Katie says that they have tons in common and Jake has already been to see her in Dead Accounts, plus she has been over to his apartment in the West Village for dinner.”


Dead Accounts is set to close, by the way. No one bought tickets. So she's going to have time for beardin'. What do they have in common? They both used to have crushes on Tom Cruise? Oh wait, it says that Katie's Dawson's Creek pal Joshua Jackson set them up. Let's throw that in reverse to get at the truth. Jake needed to borrow a Joey Potter wig from Katie to fulfill that "Anal with Pacey" fantasy he's always had and this is clearly a publicist flipping the script for a "no homo" moment. I don't blame Jake. Pacey was hot. Get that Capeside cock, gurl.

Update: Gossip Cop says that both of their reps deny this shit. That's a good thing because that's one boring-ass couple. What would they have to talk about besides gluten-free products? Boys, I guess.

Check out more pics of Katie Holmes enduring the burden of lazy-ass Suri in the gallery.

Taylor Swift missed her calling. Taylor should've been a torturer at Guantanamo Bay, because bitch knows how to put the pain on a grown man and leave him screaming for a rusty razor so he can murder his ears. Taylor's newest assault on ears "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is supposedly about Jake Gyllenhaal, and she tells USA Today (via WOW Report) that she wrote that Pee Chee folder poem of a song as an act of revenge against her ex. Taylor's ex hates the kind of music she makes, so she purposefully wrote a bubble gum shit song that would get tons of play and torture him everywhere he went.

"He made me feel like I wasn't as good or as relevant as these hipster bands he listened to. So I made a song that I knew would absolutely drive him crazy when he heard it on the radio. Not only would it hopefully be played a lot, so that he'd have to hear it, but it's the opposite of the kind of music that he was trying to make me feel inferior to."

And when USA Today asked her why would she want to torment someone, she said, "Because that's fun." 

Taylor is The Bad Seed of music. She looks like an Anne of Green Gables extra, all sweet and farm-like and shit, but she'll viciously murder you in the face. Crazy bitch. When normal people want to get back at an ex-boyfriend, they do sane stuff like key the words "I Have Gonorrhea" into his car or stalk him so much that he has to move to a different state. That's what normal people do. But Taylor has to get back at an ex by writing a song that will eventually play EVERYWHERE. So Taylor is not only torturing her ex piece, she's torturing EVERYONE.

If you don't believe that Taylor has the power to destroy men through her music. Just look at Wilford Brimley in the picture above. That's the face of a man who was just brutally tortured by being forced to listen to Taylor's album on the car ride over to Good Morning America.

Ever since Taylor Swift's Sweet Valley High episode of a song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" came out, every ho with only time on their hands (see: bloggers, the media, bloggers, office workers, bloggers and the unemployed on a break from watching People's Court reruns) has been wondering WHO IS IT ABOUT?!!! Joe Jonas already said, "Gurrrrl, it ain't me" and based on the title alone, most of us figured it was about post-pubescence. But UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) says they know who it is and they say Jake Gyllenhaal was the inspiration for that mess.

A source tells UsWeekly that the song is one hundred percent about Jake and she even used a Jake look-alike (who looks like Jake about as much as the pimple on my belly button looks like Jake, see: video below) in her video. Taylor told Nightline (via HuffPo) that she decided to write the song after her ex-boyfriend's friend came into the studio and heard that she was getting back together with his ass. Taylor said, "When he leaves, Max and Johan are like, ‘So what’s the story behind that?’ And so I start telling them the story of break up, get back together, break up, get back together, just, ugh, the worst."

The Jakey guess makes the most sense. I can totally picture Jake and Taylor sitting at opposite sides of a long conference table with their team of lawyers in a fancy law office in Century City, CA, going back and forth about the details of their relationship contract. "I'll give you 2 staged kissing photo-ops a month, but NO TONGUE and you can't write a song about me" is probably what Jake shouted at Taylor before she stood up and screamed the words that would go on to become the title of her #1 single! That's totally how it went.

And here's Taylor showing all of us that she's America's answer to Avril Lavigne, which means that she'll eventually make the bald eagle hang himself by marrying America's answer to Chad Kroeger: Scott Stapp.

Listening to that song again makes me feel like I just played the worst game of Girl Talk Date Line that has ever been played and lost.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has birthed out yet another little girl who gets to play Barbies in her playroom with Uncle Jakey (SPOILER ALERT: Jakey's always gets to be Midge. Always.). Maggie's rep tell UsWeekly that her second daughter with Peter Sarsgaard was born on April 19th in NYC. Just like Jack Osbourne and Lily Allen, Maggie and Peter have given their daughter the name of a 73-year-old southern memaw who holds the record as Piggy Wiggly's longest serving employee and whose hair hasn't been out of a bun since the 40s. Maggie and Peter named their second kid:

GLORIA RAY!!!!!!!

I can't hate on the name Gloria Ray at all, because: a) Any name that is also the title of a Laura Branigan song is a good name and; b) Just shouting the name "Gloria Ray" out loud makes me feel like a southern mother from the 50s calling her daughter in for supper.

And meanwhile, Jessica Simpson's wombschooled unborn baby just graduated from the 3rd grade.

Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria's Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie's barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.

The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the "boys' table" to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her....but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move."

Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he'll order her through the Victoria's Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that's option "d" on the return order form).

Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, "Has anybody told you that you can be a model?" One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn't have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.

Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That's what we're calling "a beard fitting" these days.

What you're looking at is Jakey Gyllenhaal and Rashida Jones going to lunch together in L.A. over the weekend while his dog Atticus doesn't even try to be slick about the "You're not going to take him apple picking like that the last bitch, are you?" side-eye at her. Just because Jake and Rashida ate food together doesn't mean they later took it to a lawyer's conference room where she rolled around in beard wig glue while their publicists romantically planned their first staged UsWeekly cover together and worked out their photo-op schedule. Can't a bald butch bitch and Quincy's daughter just be friends?

Besides, a day after these pictures were taken, Jake was seen giving that bland Anna Kendrick ho the Christian side hug. Yes, their side hug is about as awkward as the side hug you give to the one night fuck partner who got soft mid-thrust when you run into him on the street (or about as awkward as the side hug a gay gives the chick he lost his vagina virginity to when they run into each other at their high school reunion), but I guess this still means that Rashida isn't getting that second interview. Back to Monster.com's beard section you go, Rashida!

UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old's body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like "dating" Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).

But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese's chin (Note: If you're going to be a fly on Reese's chin, you're going to want to be a fly on Reese's chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can't see shit and won't notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles' Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 -- and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!

"They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," a source tells Us Weekly. "They laughed about it."

Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, "You're So Vain" magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!

But really. How can anybody call Jakey "vain." Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?

Yes, I'm sure he's staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, "Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*," but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.

*You know, because there's a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it's Friday morning.

If I told you last week that pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform were in your near future, you might have Saran wrapped your chair and called into your job's voicemail at 6am to tell them you're taking a personal fapping day. (Yes, I know you call in at 6am when nobody's there so you don't have to speak to a live person. You aren't fooling anybody.) But now there are pictures of Jakey looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform on the L.A. set of the movie End of Watch and I've got nothing.

Jake has never really been my cup of sweet tea, but a dude in uniform is a dude in uniform. However, if I got pulled over and Jake sashayed up with his weapon out, I'd have to stop myself from making "Is that a gun in your hand or are you just..." jokes and then I'd tell him, "Girl, stop playing. Put down that water gun and let's go and get lavender and mint oil head massages." Even Stick-Up Kitten would be like, "Really now?"

But I see what Jake is really doing here. Jake has played a cowboy, a solider and now he's playing a police officer. When I open up The Hollywood Reporter tomorrow morning (you know, because I open up The Hollywood Reporter every morning), I expect to read the headline: "Jake Gyllenhaal To Star In A Remake Of Squanto." If you can't join the Village People, you might as well play every single one of them in a different movie. Fill up your Village People costume closet, Jake. Fill it!

When Olivia Wilde ended her marriage to that Italian royal dude, the story went that she did it because she got married to young and really wanted to put a few more hundred miles on her vagina's odometer. You know, live out her ho shit phase of life. Most of us nodded our heads in approval, because if there's one thing I know it's that when I close my eyes on life, my last thought will be: "Damn, I wish I would've sucked more peen." (< --- Engrave that into my dick-shaped tombstone.) Olivia was going at it hard there for a while. Olivia dabbled in a little Ryan Gosling, scooted her chocha over some Justin Timberlake and then wrapped her legs around the necks of hos whose names I forget (and so does she).

But then a little birdie (and by birdie I mean publicist) started whispering ideas into Olivia's head and she took a turn down Renee Zellweger Way. That's when Olivia took a shower in glue, rolled in freshly cut beard hair on the barber's floor and hung out with Bradley Cooper for a second. It didn't last long and I figured that Olivia would be back to carrying out her slutbbatical mission, but now People is saying that she was "casually flirting" with Jake Gyllenhaal the other night. Yes, THAT Jake Gyllnehaal. The Jake Gyllenhaal that frolicked

A source type says that at Chateau Marmont the other night, Olivia and Jakey were very "touchy-feely" with each other. Olivia HAHAHAHAed at his jokes, but she she played it cool. The witness goes on, "At one point, he had his hand on hers. Olivia was very cool and wasn't fawning over Jake but seemed to like the attention he was giving her."

After Olivia and Jake's half-a-canoodle display they went their separate ways.

Olivia! What are you doing?! You have a mission and that mission is to introduce your coochie to as many dicks, nutsacks and man tongues as possible! This is not going to happen with Jakey. Your mission isn't to lick on heart-shaped cappuccino foam from as many coffee shop mugs as possible. If that was your mission, then Jakey would be the one to help you achieve it. I mean, do you really want to be the girl who Jakey tickled under an apple tree after he tickled Taylor Swift under an apple tree? Exactly. Dick now, heart-shaped cappuccino foam later.