KFed

K-WellFed is boning some broad named Victoria Prince and Brit Brit has dispatched her pair of Cheetolings to spy on the two. You know Brit Brit gave SPF and JJ the codenames La Choy and Bacos.

A source told The National Enquirer (via SS) that Brit Brit told Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos to tell her what Victoria is like and if she spends the night. The source went on to say, "She has also asked her bodyguards to milk information out of Kevin's bodyguards and quizzed his nanny and friends. She's been texting people, asking what's up with him and Victoria."

K-WellFed might know what's up, because according to some skanks he loves it when Brit Brit wants him back.

Yeah, right. He doesn't know shit! Look at the picture above. He has no idea that Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos are hiding under his triple-XL bull dyke shorts. They are making Mama Cheetos proud.

Here's K-WellFed and that Victoria ho going bowling in Los Angeles the other night.

It's Cheeto hillbilly week and KFed wants to get in on the action. Since Brit Brit is starting to look a little saner (sort of), KFed decided he needed to look even saner. In this week's People Magazine, the perfect dad (*eye roll to the left and right*) talks about his life with Brit and in doing so, he made my eyelids heavy and my head drowsy. Seriously, you're going to need a little speed shot with your coffee in order to get through this shit. I think I sort of fell into a slight coma at the end. You might want to have an adrenaline shot standing by.

I've picked out a few quotes that aren't completely coma-inducing.

KFed on what went wrong with his marriage to our little Cheetoling:

It's hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I'd become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important ... I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

KFed on bitches thinking he only wanted custody of the kids for cash reasons:

My first question to [my lawyer] was, "Am I ever going to be able to see my children?" I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.

KFed on the night that Brit lost her Cheetos and was throw into the loony bin (awww, memories):

That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her 'cause I care about her. That's the mother of my children. Just because I'm not in love with her doesn't mean that I don't love her. I'm definitely rooting for her. There's nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

Yes, KFed! You're the father of the millennium! Everyone should hand their kids over to you, because you do it best.

What pisses me off is that People didn't ask him the most important question of all questions: will there be a follow-up to Popozao? It's not like the bitch is doing anything, but eating (obviously). He can take the money he made from this boring ass interview and produce a sequel! And I'm sure he can channel some of that raw emotion he felt when Brit Brit divorced his ass to put together some extremely powerful.

People also should have asked him to name his other kids. You know, the ones he doesn't get paid to take care of. He would've uttered a few dozen "ums" and finally just blurted out "POPOZAO!"

Are you effing kidding me? Celebrity boxing is so 2002.

OK! Magazine claims Michael Lohan intends to challenge K-Fed to a boxing match. Michael tells OK! "Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I. It’s for charity."

Why did it have to be a boxing match? Why couldn't it have been who has the beadiest eyes match? Or who can fuck their family member out of the most money match. Or who has the worst shit eating grin match. Hell, make a sport of it, best two out of three.

Michael goes on to say "It's serious boxing. You have to go get a trainer. I have to register with the Mature Boxing Association."

C'mon who are you trying to kid, we both know you two are a bunch of pussies. You couldn't box your way out of a paper bag, even if you had an ice pick. I swear to god, if I have to see another has-been celebrity boxing match I'm gonna kick both their asses myself. Let's be real though. They would raise a fist at me and I would run off screaming like Gay Al getting double fisted with no lube.

Remember Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges? Yeah, old 'nilla got his ass owned. But this fight wouldn't have a clear winner, it would be like watching slow douchebags fighting over an old bus schedule.

Besides, didn't two fuckers get into legal trouble for video taping bum fights? If K-Fed fights as well has he raps (or wrestles), he's gonna get murdered.

When is KFed going to stop dressing like Rosie O'Donnell! It sickens me that I find him hot.

KFed showed up to the X Games Celebrity Skins Classic yesterday to play a round of douche golf. Kendra Wilkinson was there, so this was definitely a game of d-bag golf. KFed told People that his life is just peachy, "Been having a good summer, I can't complain. I've worked here and there a little bit. Definitely staying at home with the family."

There he goes talking about that "work" thing again! Nobody is buying it. Spending all day trying to pop corn with your cell phone is hardly work.

When asked about when his follow-up to amazing rap masterpiece "Playing with Fire" is coming out, he said, "I don't know, I'm going to make everybody wait on that." Who's this "everybody" he's talking about?

KFed also took a moment to check on his kids during the event. That's what he told the photographers anyway. He was probably just checking on his bank account. Same thing, actually.

This is just an excuse to post another picture of Dollhouse Dude. He was my favorite part of this whole Brit/KFed custody fiasco. Dollhouse Dude is looking so.....sad. This bitch needs help! Ty Pennington and Fisher Price should team up to give him a makeover. He also might need help from Habitat for Humanity. Dollhouse Dude is going to be without a dollhouse soon. Sad. I'd send him mine, but I'm really attached to it. It's my favorite Sunday afternoon activity. Play with my dollhouse while getting plastered.

Anyway, the Brit and KFed custody battle is officially over for now. Yesterday, Commissioner Gordon signed off on the custody agreement. KFed gets sole custody of SPF and JJ with Brit Brit getting visitation rights. She currently has one sleepover per week and will get another one before the end of the year.

KFed will get $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000. Brit also has to pay off his $250,000 legal bill. Daddy Spears, who is in charge of her ass until July 31st, agreed to the settlement.

Brit Brit will probably ask for 50/50 custody once the conservatorship ends.

Damn, KFed and his attorneys probably celebrated with whores, hot wings and Henny. $250,000? I really should have been a lawyer. Too bad I hate wearing a suit. Seriously, lawyers might be happier if they could wear shorts and t-shirts to work. The only bitch that should be allowed to wear a suit is Rojo Caliente. She makes it looks effortless.

OK! Magazine asked KFed's lawyer why he needed the $5,000 a month increase and his lawyer said, "He's trying to contribute as much [of his own money] as he can. It's never been about the money." Cue laugh track.

Not only did Brit Brit sign over sole custody of SPF and JJ to KFed, but she has also agreed to pay his ass $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000 a month. He got a raise! $200 for the kids and $19,800 for him! Kids only need a box of animal crackers and a couple of Crayolas.

People reports that KFed's lawyer will also get $250,000 from Brit Brit for his work on the custody case.

So what does Brit Brit get in return? Peace and quiet! She can finally enjoy her glass of Boones Farms without some annoying ass kid tugging at her sweatpants, complaining about how hungry he is. Seriously, Brit got more visitations and an extra overnight. A source told E! that once the conservatorship of her estate ends, she will ask the court for 50/50.

The settlement papers haven't been filed, but it's pretty much a done deal. They were supposed to go to trial and now that's not going to happen.

Brit's lawyer said, "It was a victory for the whole family that they don't have to go to a trial." It's not a victory for us. Brit Brit and KFed's courtroom drama was going to be my summer guilty pleasure. What about the hours of entertainment we were going to get from that trial? What about us?! They are so selfish!

You know KFed is popping the Alize and Henny tonight.

OK! Magazine claims that the child custody war between Brit Brit and KFed has finally come to an end after ten million years or something like that. KFed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said they signed and agreed to a settlement last night.

Brit Brit said "fuck it" and gave up full custody to KFed. Mark said, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner. Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving."

I totally want to see Brit Brit's signature on that shit. Do you think she dots her i's with a Chester Cheeto paw or a heart with a sad face in it? KFed totally signs it "KFED 4 Lifez."

And the boys are thriving? Upon hearing the news, SPF and JJ just shrugged their shoulders, rolled their eyes and said, "As long as we have our Purple DRANK, we don't give a fuckity fuck! Blimey!" They learned "blimey" from their mommy. They learned "fuckity fuck" from their daddy.

Kevin is ecstatic because that means more cash, which means more weed. Correction, which means BETTER weed. Smoke out at KFed's tonight!

I would normally say to expect a gas station breakdown from Brit Brit any minute now, but that's not going to happen. Bitch is too drugged up for that kind of nonsense and daddy has her on a toddler leash. Is it wrong that this makes me sad? Oh how I miss the days of Venti Frapps with extra whipped cream and late-night beef jerky runs. Sigh.....

Oh well, Brit! Just do like my family members do. When the state takes away their kids, they just have new ones!

Why the hell did KFed raid Queen Latifah's closet. This dumb bitch looks like a bull dyke going to the beach. He's covering up his moobs and his "gut over bagina." And to think, there was a time when I'd let KFed piss in my ear. Not anymore! Okay, maybe after a few bong hits.

So... KFed traveled to Miami this weekend following his custody bitch battle with Brit Brit. Don't worry, London is taking care of SPF and JJ.

KFed partied at Mansion in South Beach where he danced the night away until 4am. One witness told People, "Kevin is a great dancer with some very complicated moves." Complicated moves?! I'd hardly call the "cabbage patch" and "the running man" complicated dance moves.

Even though he was partying like a first-class douche, KFed had music on his mind. Yes, music.

A source told People that KFed is working on new material, "Kevin was in a great mood and even talked about a new song he is working on, called 'Daddy's Home.' He has put a lot of time and effort into writing and rehearsing it, but says it is not quite ready yet."

Daddy's Homo is more like it. KFed should really quit while he's ahead. He's never going to top the hip-hop masterpiece known as "Popozao."

KFed and Brit Brit's never-ending custody battle is going to trial! Yesterday, both of their lawyers spent the entire day trying to figure out a custody arrangement both hos would be happy with. Please, you know the lawyers spent their time playing "spin the Cheeto" and doing Purple Drank body shots off each other. They've been influenced by KFed and Brit Brit!

KFed's attorney told E!, "The mediation didn't result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August ... The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary."

KFed wants sole and legal custody of SPF and JJ with Brit getting visitation rights. KFed's attorney went on to say, "If the existing arrangement was acceptable to both parties ... we wouldn't have to go to trial."

The Cheeto vs. Digweed trial is set to begin August 25th. The final custody ruling could last several years. This shit will never end!

Can't they just put SPF and JJ on the stand and ask them what they want. They'd probably say, "We go live with Chester the Cheetah."

VIA People

File this under: In KFed's Bong Dreams. InTouch is reporting that KFed has been offered seven-figures to be the new face of the Christopher Brian Collection. Chris Stokes, co-owner of the line, said, “We feel Kevin would be a great model for the line."

A source said that KFed hasn't officially signed on because he's busy with other projects right now. Source said, “Kevin is also working with Chris on his music and movie career."

Music and movies?! Please, KFed doesn't have the time right now because he's this close to finishing Grand Theft Auto IV. He's stuck on the last mission, but when he completes that, he'll be ready to accept new projects.

Seriously, nobody's going to pay this stoner douche seven-figures! I think the source got it wrong. They are going to give him 7 ounces of digweed. They are getting ripped off, because KFed will do it for 1 ounce.