Excuse My Beauty

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.

And imagine if you saw this vision live and in person.....

The lucky soul who did probably had the day's shit covering his retinas and it all melted onto the 1-ply carpet as soon as he swung open the doors to the Kinko's (please don't make me call it FedEx Office) in Hollywood and gazed upon the Garbage Pail Goddess gracefully waiting for the photocopies of her glamour shots that she sells in the back of her trunk (true story). When Angelyne's Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? meets Popples weave swung around, he stared deep into her beautiful Japanese Chin on acid face and suddenly a shot of Pixie Stix syrup hit the back of his throat. Angelyne grabbed her copies, fluffed her vintage Limited Too! jacket and disappeared into the sunlight in a cloud of cotton candy powder.

As soon as he got home, he fell back onto his bed to recover from the beauty he witnessed today and suddenly he felt something poking him in the back. He rolled over and found two Strawberry Skittles and a pink ecstasy tab waiting for him. Of course, he made a Strawberry Skittles and ecstasy sandwich, and then popped it into his mouth. He fell back onto his bed for a second time, stared at the glittery popcorn ceiling above him and allowed his insides to dance to the imaginary music in his head as all of the glittery popcorn ceiling fell around him like gay snow. That's when he knew that if his eyes were never blessed by the vision of the Fraggle Rock Queen none of this would be happening.

What I'm getting at is that Angelyne is magic. What I'm also getting at is that Angelyne makes people temporarily high, which explains this fucking post.

There's been so much foolish ugliness on Dlisted lately from Lindsay Lohan's meth lasagna mouth to the crazy bus memaw beating on a special needs kid, so I figured we could all use a heavy dose of demure beauty in the form of a potpourri pot full of England's finest rose Jodie Marsh! Exquisite doesn't even begin to describe....

Jodie left a London hospital, where she selflessly volunteers her time by being a human bouquet of flowers for the poor sickly, the other night and graciously blessed the lenses of several cameras with her Shroud of Pete Burns face. It's as if someone gently placed her head in one of those paint can shakers at Home Depot, turned it on and started throwing oil-based varnish and paintbrush bristles at her. The result is what a talking Real Doll would call, "iiiiiiinspiring."

Jodie's nose is what I think the penises of the angels look like in heaven. A penis with wings! And now we know why Ron Paul's brow wig tried to sneak off of his face. It heard of an eyebrow Shangri-La in the UK and it was about to start the journey toward it. If you see his eyebrow toupee sitting in coach on a flight to London, don't say a thing.

And if you want to share this beauty with your loved ones, FTD is offering a bouquet made of these pictures for a limited time. (Yes, I set up that STD joke for you. Happy Friday!)

FYI: By "great" I mean illegal, wrong and illegal. Courtney Stodden's Facebook page should be thrown into a cell in the pedophile wing of Facebook prison. It's that kind of wrong. And speaking of things that should be thrown into prison, Courtney Stodden's pimp/mother Krista Keller is screaming at the all the injustices in the Facebook world after her 17-year-old daughter's page was shut down 10 times for being inappropriate. Krista's sense of logic is obviously as advanced as her sense of parenting, because she tells E! News that the delusion-maker in her head believes that jealous hating wives have formed an anti-sexyiguana league and are trying to stop her natural beauty of a goddess daughter from moisturizing the sexy with a whole lot of illegal wrongness.

"It's the jealousy from the women towards her. The men love her, the women hate her. The women report the photo because it's so easy to do. You just click a button. They think she's too sexy, they all report her together, and it's done."

Nobody tell Krista that PedoBear is the one whose got his little paw finger on the REPORT button at all times since Courtney's page is even too much for him. It's funny watching Krista acting like she's gotten to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Take the rest of the year off, Detective La Toya, because Krista's got this.

"On any Facebook page, people can report it for inappropriate content. There is nothing on her page you wouldn't find anywhere on Facebook! She has never done any nudity. Not a breast, not even a butt cheek. It's just her in a bathing suit!

A lot of men and young girls love her page, but when the wives see their husbands on her page, they team up to get Courtney kicked off! When Facebook gets enough reports on one page, it locks her out."

I'm sure all you mothers out there wish that one day you'll be able to say: "A lot of grown married men LOVE my teenage daughter's Facebook page."

When is the Seal Team 6 going to take down the lab in North Korea where evil scientits (typo and it ain't moving) created Courtney and her mother out of lizard tongues, ludes, the DNA White Oprah left on a rest stop toilet seat after she did a line off of it and whatever it is the Kardashians inject into their faces. They were obviously sent to us by our enemies to finally destroy whatever is left of American humanity. Don't tell me that staring at that picture of the porn iguana sticking out her tits and sucking in so hard that she's about to fart out an implant hasn't caused you to laugh through the eyes and cry through the mouth. WHOEVER IS BEHIND THIS HAS WON!

Grab your prayer cloth, tell your local priest that you'll be sleeping in his confessional booth tonight and click over to TMZ to see seventeen-something Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old creepy husband Doug Hutchison pose in a photo shoot that will make you laugh to keep from crying as your skin crawls off of your body to throw itself in the garbage disposal.

In a completely staged photo shoot that looks like stills from a Tales of the Crypt episode inspired by Heidi and Spencer, Doug's teenage porn iguana bride shows off her trompe-l'oeil abs, exquisite arm bracelet, the spray tan that looks like it was applied with a Nerf gun and her pushed-up illegal titty balls that are being suffocated by a bikini top that is more padded than the room Courtney's mother should be thrown in. I also cannot ignore the fact that Beverly McClellan from The Voice needs to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Doug since it's obvious that he's stolen her entire image.

These pictures are so going to end up in an FBI's file in a couple of years when all of this does not end well. On a positive note, Courtney's magical ability to float along the sand in platform heels has earned her a coveted spot in Shauna Sand's royal court.

And since we've already fucked ourselves up by looking at this mess, let's fuck ourselves up all the way by listening to one of Courtney's "songs:"

I shouldn't joke, because this will probably become our new national anthem. It is the reason why the bald eagle cries.

The days of freezer burned fupas are quickly coming upon those of us who live in the Northeast, so now is the perfect time to let your gut pores breathe in air before they have to go into hibernation. Uma Thurman knows this and so she wore the official Honey Badger weekday uniform as she strolled out with her children in NYC on Wednesday.

Somebody hand me a double-sided anything and dip it in some kitchen grease, because both UsWeekly and the Daily Mail need to get fucked for calling this perfect ensemble "bizarre" and "slobby." Those jealous shade queens must be using an opposite dictionary, because they really meant to say this whole entire look is "practical" and "SO NOW."

The hat tells me that Uma likes a touch of retro, because she's obviously wearing the cap my mom's best friend bought at Michael's, hoping she'd find the time to glamourize it with puffy glitter paint and dot lettering (she never did). The knotted shirts tell me that Uma doesn't believe in shirt favoritism and so she not only cut off the circulation of her top shirt, but she did it to her bottom shirt too. And finally, the Marlboros tucked into her bra strap loudly tells me that she's just a practical bitch and a people person who warmly embraces crackhead hobos asking her for a cigarette every other block. Does Playtex sell the bra straps alone, because I've been looking for a practical place to keep my Trident.

Shut down every stupid Best Dressed of the Year list, because nothing will ever top this.

Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!

At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it's called "Morning Abortion") and let her liner (in shade "Cheek Hickey") be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she's trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.

All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet 'N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn't want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she guzzled from for hours? What woman wouldn't want to look like she doesn't have to reapply when she gives a beej in the last stall in the men's room? What woman wouldn't want to look like a cartoon moustache and a cartoon smile are hugging her lips?

The answer: Any woman who just doesn't know.

Chola lip liner also serves as a priceless security tool. It lets all of your arch rivals and the hating bitches around you know that you do have razors stuck in your hair so they better not even think of coming at you.

All hail the mainstream return of a beauty classic!

And here's who was apart of history (not really) last night: Lady Lip Liner herself, Michael Pitt with hipster Olive Oyl, Ricky Gervais with Jane Fallon, Kimber Henry, Gretchen Mol, Chris Crocker with Vincent Piazza, Marky Mark with 16-year-old Nicola Peltz and Steve Buscemi with Jo Andres.

That trembling in your eye veins could only mean one thing: it's Courtney Love! But you can tell your veins to settle down, because this post does not feature one of Courtney's signature cracklatin-written Twitter rants that makes your monitor melt and your brain go into sleep mode. It's just a regular picture post of Courtney Love at some book party event in NYC last night with some people who go to book party events.

I'm going to give Court some credit, because she actually looks like she didn't put up a fight when the good hos at the health department gave her a monthly court-appointed bath in ammonia and Silkwood bath gel. So I'll give her that. But bitch needs to press pause on whatever kind of nip and pull shit she's doing to her face. Ho has got the Liza Minnellis. It's like her eyeballs are tired of the SUCIO shit her head is showing them so they are trying to slowly quit that bitch by sneaking out the side exit. If they get any further apart, she can wear them as earrings.

Bitch kind of looks like one of those bulging eye guppies. I just want to throw fish flakes at her and knock on the glass in front of her even though the sign on her aquarium tells me not to.

That little blank space on Khia's mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for "concealing/endangering property-secured interest." Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia's gremlin brows while she's at it.

Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:

You never thought you'd see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.

Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia's Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it's first grade picture day or some shit.

You still shouldn't be wearing a mouth mask because of airborne Kardashian kooties. That threat has passed. You should be wearing a mouth mask, because inhaling the mixture of powdery demureness, bronzed elegance and magical lash dust that is coming out of Aubrey O'Day's mouth will cause you to hyperventilate and fall into a dream-like coma where kidney bean tits dance in a bubble of clown powder around you. You're not ready for that since one should go on a fuckery fast 24 hours before doing so.

Leave it to Aubrey HoDayNightWhenever to bring some much-needed star quality and glamour to last night's tired whore and pony show hosted by the barnyard brigade. Aubrey can deduct the bus fare she paid to get there last night as charity on her tax form, because showing up to that mess definitely counts as an act of philanthropy toward needy famewhores. I swear, Aubrey has more talent, natural beauty and dignity* in one of her implant ripples than all of the Kardashians combined times infinity!

* Yup, saying that Aubrey O'Day has dignity is one of the first signs of famewhore inhalation. Call the Clinica Mobile.