Excuse My Beauty

Does having jaundice got you down and has kept you from leaving the house out of fear that everyone will mistake you for a Lohan? Kelly Osbourne, seen here at the Art of Elysium gala thing, has your answer. Accentuate that jaundice, bitch! Just dye your hair a lovely shade of ash, mix together three drops Pepto-Bismol and a spoonful of Milk of Magnesia, smear that shit on your lips and BAM! Then when everybody at the party is trying to hook your face up to an IV drip full of nutrients, shoo their asses away as you let them know that it's all about the "Cosplay Grandma Simpson found washed up on the shores of a swamp after partying at an 80s disco all night" look right now and they better catch up. Jaundice is in!

I was ready to devote this entire post to Madge trying to hide the zombie veins on her claws with some leftover gloves from Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, but then EVERYTHING changed when I came across this picture of a beautiful butterfly who fluttered off of Mimi's album cover and has now settled on the Madge side. That beautiful butterfly is Madge's publicist Liz Rosenberg (I think) and it's got me wondering why she's the publicist and that pinched plastic vampire piñata is the star. It should be the other way around, because a grown ass woman wearing some butterfly shit on her head outside of a rave or a children's birfday party needs publicizing!

There are a lot of reasons to hate living in this world (example: former Hot Slut Sandra Rinomato quitting Property Virgins!!!), but one reason to love living in this world is a woman matching her eyeshadow and phone to a butterfly headdress for the London premiere of her master's movie. I mean, an actual caterpillar spins a cocoon hoping it comes out as grand as Liz here. Now on to those gloves....

We all know Madge's hands could spook the One Ring out of Mount Doom, so I don't know why she's hiding that shit with those weird gloves. They ruin her entire ensemble. A cape that should only be worn by a vampire going to a swingers party does not go with gloves that should only be worn by a chorus member in an 80s musical about the Bloods. Madge should just let her Gollum hands hang out. Besides, how is Madge going to catch an English virgin to feast on later tonight with those slippery ass gloves on her hands?

Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:

Harriet Potter: 1
St. Angie: NIL!

For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home.

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it's time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin'. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there's enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert's naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece "Pompoeoes" (that's German for "Poochie Queefs") in Berlin on Thursday and I don't know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops' exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom's makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom's shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald's face.

It's been 51 days since my last post about Jodie "The Body" Marsh and that's 51 days too many without gazing at her pinched penis nose and her "fried not baked" ripple tits. The angel of the globe brought her beauty to the The Global Angel Awards in London last night and showed everyone what a Claymation Jenna Jameson would look like if it was beat in the face with a Claymation Sandra Bullock. The answer is the definition of natural gorgeousness.

Jodie sets the beauty trends (OBVIOUSLY!), so soon we'll all be visiting our Craigslist plastic surgeons to give us a melted spade nose and chichis that look like silicone sacks are trying to hatch out of them. If Shrunken Head Guy from Beetlejuice got a makeover on The Swan, this is what it would look like. I swear, Jodie's nose looks like a game of Jenga. I could just scream JENGA!!! at it over and over again while swatting at the hair curtain covering half of her face. Absolute perfection.

I'm talking about the dog and PP. NO!!!! It looks like the cherubs have bent over and fired a fart bubble of eternal love that struck Phoebe Price and Mickey Rourke, because here they are sharing a romantic and completely private lunch in Los Angeles yesterday. Brace yourself for a tidal wave of love children that look like pieces of charred chicken cutlets with dead slug slips on 'em, because this love is going all the way. America desperately needs its own royal couple, and since Courtney Stodden and Carrot Top aren't getting together anytime soon, Mickey and PP are the next best thing. Their couple name can be Phoeckey or Chickey. It's meant to be. I am certain about this as much as I am certain that Mickey's lips are slowly exploding like a hot dog in a microwave.

Or maybe bong smoke is operating my imagination again and this is just Phoebe Price cutlet bombing Mickey's shot.

Like a modern day Gandhi (Gaydhi?), Tommy Girl had dozens of people worshiping at his glittery heels when he swept up into the Taj Mahal in India this morning. Tommy's there with Anil Kapoor to promote Mission Impossible: Tommy Tries To Touch A Can On The Top Shelf Without A Step Ladder. If you've got permanent dirty phallic vision like I do, then I'm sure you noticed the giant white dick sticking out of Tommy's head. I'm sure Tommy did too, which is why he looks happier than the time he found a gay-free Coldstone Creamery on Yelp.

Tommy tried to keep his ass down through most of the photo call, because if he got up, his tingly prostate would jump out of his Scientolohole and hump all those phallic statues. It wouldn't be a pretty scene. Really, where was an emergency butt plug when Tommy really needed one?

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that's missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady's horse race scene..... That's because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some "C'mon, Dover, move your bloomin' arse shit!" at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it's never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith's face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I'd say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I'm sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here's a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.