Bret Michaels has announced to Gossip Cop today that after almost 16 years (on and off), the mother of his two kids, Kristi Gibson, is no longer running her fingers through his luscious European weave tracks as he motoboats her extra large Tupperware titty domes. They have ceased humping. Here's the statement Bret's spokesbitch released and I am one hundred percent disappointed that he didn't start this shit with "every rose has its thorn...."
“Bret Michaels and longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson have called off their engagement at this time. Although the couple have separated, they remain great friends and are committed to jointly raising their two daughters, Raine and Jorja."
Now Bret can fill the cracks in his broken heart with whiskey-infused drool and genital wart pus from a new harem of graceful skanks on a new season of Rock of Love Bus. Or Bret can just stop fighting destiny and finally realize that he truly belongs with my favorite demure flower: DJ LADY TRIBE!
If you got an eh-legal drug for every time I used the phrase "eh-legal drugs" in casual conversation, you'd have enough eh-legal drugs to be the Lohan family's personal eh-legal drug dealer.
In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men's bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian's golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:
“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him."
I hardly watched that mess, but it's still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I'll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.
Bret Michaels' European imported weave was nearly scalped from his head two years ago when a set backdrop welcomed him to Broadway by smashing down on top of him during a Tony Awards performance. After all the groupie genital warts he's nibbled on, all the booze he's inhaled and all the pressure he's put on his skull from suffocating it with a bandanna, a set piece at the damn Tony Awards is what took him out! It was the HAHAHAHAHA heard around the country until we learned that it left him with a broken nose and cut lip. Although, some of you evil cunts kept HAHAHAHAing after that (I'm looking at you, Ina Garten!).
Six months after his ego and wounds healed, Bret suffered a major brain hemorrhage that almost put him in a Rock of Death Coffin. Now Bret is blaming the Tony Awards for this and is suing the sequins off of them! When Bret is done with them, the Tony Awards will be so broke that they'll have to hold next year's ceremony in the middle of a shuttered Off-Track Betting on Broadway and 43rd (that sounds kind of hot, actually). TMZ has the details:
In his suit, Michaels claims, "One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma -- exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards."
"Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma."
Bret says producers have "failed and refused" to remedy the situation ... and even blamed him for the mishap at the Tony Awards, claiming he "missed his mark."
Michaels is suing for unspecified damages. A rep for the Tonys had no comment.
"Suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards" sounds like the gayest snuff film ever and I love that it came from Bret. The suit goes on to allege that the producers failed to show Bret how to exit the stage correctly. Lord. This melodramatic workers comp mess needs to be turned into a Broadway musical. While I understand that Bret went through some serious shit, blaming the Tonys is ridiculous. Think of all the injuries the Rock of Love hos suffered when they opened their eyes too fast while kissing Bret. Do you see them suing?! They should, actually.
I should've seen this coming a mile away like a bad anal breakout. When Miley Cyrus covered Every Rose Has Its Thorn, I figured she would be the one trying to grind on Bret Michaels in the studio, but it was TISH CYRUS instead! Tish was the one who rolled up her Skynyrd t-shirt, swayed her hips and then batted her gigantic anime horse eyes at Bret. And according to UsWeekly and Star Magazine, Bret was all about it, because he grabbed his saddle and said YEE-FUCKING-HAW!
A source tells UsWeekly that Tish's down low fuck times with Bret is what really singed the tips of Billy Ray's mullet. When Billy Ray found out that Tish was eating from a feeding bag tied to Bret's crotch, he immediately filed for divorce. Apparently, Billy Ray also found out that Tish was doing another dude too.
Both Bret and Tish deny that anything went down.
This is some ridiculous shit that the nosy old memaw at the Piggly Wiggly whispers into your ear about the tramp of the trailer park and the mechanic who got caught fucking a Datsun's gas tank. I love it. But really, this does make sense. Tish is a forever groupie slut whose one goal is to get more old rock star dick than a urinal in the men's room of a Vh1 casting office. Tish is living out her dreams! And IN THIS ECONOMY, Bret realized that hooking up with Tish isn't such a bad thing. They can share European weaves and N.Y.C. eyeliner.
Billboard released a picture they swear is Bret Michaels in all his organic glory after a bunch of bitches (yours truly included) screamed at the top of their keyboards that somebody used the decapitation Photoshop tool on his head and then placed it on top of cartoon He-Man's body. On the left is a 100% natural Bret without one layer of Photoshop touching his skin, and on the right is what showed up on the cover.
Billboard's photo editor says they only did the normal amount of retouching to the picture including smoothing out his wrinkles and bronzing his skin. Blair Bunting, the photographer who shot the cover, added, "When he took off his shirt, I was like, 'This guy's in shape for 47! It's always easy for someone to cry 'Photoshop,' so I wasn't too surprised by that...but he takes his shape seriously."
The SANS PSHOP version looks a millions times better than the mess they ended up with. I mean, it looks like they slathered him in store brand barbecue sauce, roasted him in a backyard chimenea and threw a couple half-melted Hershey Kisses over his nipples before scooping his belly button out so that it looks like Tommy Girl's post-orgy yes-yes hole. Actually, now that I put it that way I like the screwed with picture better. Well, who doesn't want Hershey Kisses for nipples?
This is some Photoshop of Love shit and the overachiever who airbrushed this mess gets the final backstage pass. I'm not saying that Bret Michaels doesn't naturally have a body like a video game version of Jackie Warner, but that cover looks more like a ceiling fresco from John Travolta's personal sauna.
Just one day after appearing on Oprah, Bret Michaels has once again found himself spreading his golden European weave across a hospital pillow after he suffered a warning stroke and doctors found a hole in his heart. Yes, Oprah and then a warning stroke. Related? Possibly. Maybe. Definitely. Yes.
This statement was released on Bret's website today:
Bret Michaels was readmitted to the hospital this week after suffering numbness on the left side of his body, predominately his face and hands which doctors described as a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) or warning stroke. While MRI and CT scan tests were being conducted, Michaels also received a Doppler Ultrasound of his legs and lower abdomen looking for blood clots and most importantly an Ultrasound Bubble Test of his heart was conducted which proved positive for a Patent Forum Ovale (PFO), a hole in the heart. Dr. Zabramski (Bret's neurosurgeon), Dr. Becker (who ordered the test), Dr. Cook (who conducted the test) and Dr. Frey (Director, Outpatient Stroke Program) all confirmed the results.
Dr. Zabramski states "There is no doubt that the positive Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) is devastating news to Bret and his family. The good news is that it is operable and treatable and we think we may have diagnosed the problem that caused the Transient Ischemic Attach (TIA) or warning stroke; however we feel it is highly unlikely this is connected to the brain hemorrhage he suffered just a few weeks earlier. Once again it is great that he quickly reacted to the severe numbness and got to the hospital immediately."
Dr. Zabramski continues, "I realize Bret wants to make a full recovery so that he can be active with his family, attempt to attend the finale of Celebrity Apprentice and especially get back on the road to continue making music. Without a doubt he is very determined to get healthy and make a 100% recovery. Medically speaking it is a fantastic attitude both mentally and physically for him to have. However, Bret's brain and body are not quite 100% yet, especially with the hole found in his heart. Further tests will be conducted throughout the week and I will have more information next week as to how this Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) will be treated. For now, Bret will be treated with outpatient care which includes a daily injection of Lovenox (a blood thinner to reduce the chance of blood clots) and blood tests."
Bret's rep said that he's walking around and is in good spirits. Bret is hoping to make it to the live finale of Celebrity Apprentice this Sunday in NYC. Bret's rep did not say if he was watching Busty Cop 3 at the time. Bret just needs to stay away from Busty Cops 3 from now on. That shit isn't good for his health. Stick with Busty Cops 2.
Do a Buttery Nipple shot out of your partner's eager snatch, because Bret Michaels' doctor announced today that he has been released from the hospital nearly two weeks after he suffered a brain hemorrhage. Dr. Joseph Zabramski wanted everyone to know that Bret is still busted up and down, but his condition is improving and he's recuperating at an undisclosed location. I'm guessing the "undisclosed location" is one of the bigger rooms at the Bunny Ranch.
Dr. Zabramski had this to say: "Mr. Michaels was indeed a lucky person, a very lucky person. He's improving and I expect him to continue to improve. I really expect that he will fortunately make a 100 percent recovery. He's just one of those lucky people – 10 to 20 percent who make a complete recovery and can resume all of their normal activities."
Dr. Zabramski does realize what that one of Bret's "normal activities" is banging his head against a stripper's thigh while she rides his shoulders?
And the beautiful swan on the right of Bret in the picture above is probably having the best day ever. Bitch probably dropped her two Big Gulps and gave double Shaka signs as soon as she heard the news.
It's been over a week since Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage which landed his ass in a hospital in Arizona, but his doctor says that even though shit is still serious he hopes he will be well enough to compete with his fellow Celebrity Apprentice contestants in the live finale at the end of May. I hope he is, because I need to witness Bret Michaels and Cyndi Lauper trying to have a conversation with each other. It's probably like watching aluminum foil spark in a microwave. Anyway, back to the serious talk!
Dr. Zabramski, Bret's surgeon at the Neurological Institute at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix, had this to say yesterday:
"There is no doubt that Mr. Michaels' condition is serious. He has an unbelievable fight in him and told me what kept him alive at the moment of the hemorrhage was that he did not want his family to wake up and see him lying unconscious in the middle of the floor. It was a combination of Bret's fight to stay conscious during the hemorrhage and get to the emergency room, and the immediate medical attention provided by our staff at Barrow that enabled us to stabilize his condition.”
Dr. Zabramski will hold a press conference on Tuesday to talk more about Bret's condition.
Unfortunately. Dr. Z did not give an update on Bret's current weave situation. Hopefully, his weave is also eating the jello and getting enough fluids so that it can fully recover and gloriously return to bask in the headlights of the Rock of Love Skank Bus.
Bret Michaels rep tells Radar that his condition has been changed from critical to stable. Don't start filming your audition video for Rock of Love Hospital just yet, because Bret's rep also said he suffered a minor setback today in his recovery from a brain hemorrhage. The doctors have diagnosed Bret with a side effect called hyponatremia that causes seizures. Bret's rep said this to People:
"Michaels remains under 24-hour observation in the ICU and is in positive spirits. He is responding well to tests and treatments. Even though today was a minor setback, doctors remain hopeful for a full recovery.
Many people are speculating Michaels's head injury suffered from a prop striking the singer at the Tony Awards last June is the cause. But for many patients with this condition, no cause is often found.
Coupled with the fact that Michaels is a lifelong Type 1 diabetic and has recently undergone emergency appendectomy surgery while on tour in San Antonio, he will remain monitored closely by his medical team to make sure no complications occur from the diabetes.
Doctors are hopeful that Bret will gradually improve as the blood surrounding the brain dissolves and is reabsorbed into his system, which can be a very painful recovery and take several weeks to months."
Yes, but is Bret flirting with nurses, doctors, orderlies, janitors, candy stripers, fellow patients and his IV pole (hey, it's a skinny bitch with two plastic bags on it)? If the answer is yes, then all will be fine in the world.
P.S. - I have no idea what he's holding in that picture. A diaphragm covered with trail mix?