KFed

When KFed just couldn't beat mission 28 on Grand Theft Auto 4 (I feel your pain, KFed), it gave him the sads in a major way which caused him to fill his mouth hole with anything and everything. KFed apologizes to the parents of the pets and toddlers he accidentally devoured in one of his feeding frenzies.

In a new interview with Access Hollywood (via People), KFed says he fell into a deep depression after his divorce from Our Lady of Cheetos. Like many, KFed dealt with the serious sads by wiping out every buffet in town. How many times do you think KFed heard the words, "There's no more clean plates for you, Mr. Kfed."

Anyway, KFed explains, "Once you get depressed, you don't really feel like doing anything. You're kind of discouraged about yourself and then the weight gain too, or that makes me more depressed. … I mean, it's a combination of all of those things. Everybody knows what happened with me and Brit. I'm not going to say that's the total cause of it but, I mean, just not being happy with myself was probably the main part of my depression."

The truth is I think his depression was triggered by listening to PopoZão without being under the influence of anything on the United States Controlled Substances Schedule. That will do it.

But thanks to Celebrity Fit Club, KFed has lost the chunk and now he's ready to tackle the world again by doing important stuff like finally beating mission 28 on GTA4.

KFed also said that he's happy that Brit Brit is back to touring again, "I'm really happy for her. I'm very happy for her."

Translation: KFed is farting happy that Brit tamed the crazy, so she can go back to putting Twinkies on his table. Or should I say, Twinkie Bites.

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.

If you walked into KFed's house and didn't see ciggie butts on the floor and spit on the walls, you'd probably be pretty damn shocked. So it's not surprising that KFed is being accused of completely trashing a house he was renting. The owners of the house want KFat to fart up $100,000 (of Brit Brit's money) to pay for all the damages he allegedly made the house in Tarzana, CA. They also say that KFed rolled out of there without paying rent for 6-months. Here's a list of the damages:

Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
Broken light covers
Bent light posts
Broken tiles
Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
Drawings all over the walls
A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission)
Broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets
Dismantled smoke detectors
Front driveway oil-leak damage
Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission)

TMZ also has a ton of pictures of the damages. My guess is that KFed didn't mean to mess that place up. Most of the damage was probably caused just by him walking around. Dude can make the earth move. And when he farts? Forget about it. Light posts will bend and smoke detectors will burst.

The most disturbing part about all of this is that KFed had a recording studio in his house. That is some terrorist shit right there. Haven't we been through enough?!

If you went to Arby's last night, they might have told you that they are out of everything. Well, that's probably because KFed got there before you did. MSNBC's The Scoop says that KFed has been shoveling pounds of everything into his pie hole so that he can get even FATTER! KFed thinks that if he is bigger than one of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's ass lips, he will be able to lose even more weight on Celebrity Fit Club which premieres on Vh1 this February. KFed is doing that new math.

A source said, “He thinks that if he goes on the show, loses a ton of weight, and seems really likeable, he’ll get more deals afterward. The way he sees it, he could have another show after ‘Fit Club,’ and that would open the door to working on music again, maybe even a fashion line.”

They're going to need a bigger door.

If KFed grew a 9-inch dick that always stayed hard and shot out delicious pancakes that cured cancer, he would still not be likable to most people. So I'm not sure what he's smoking (SPOILER ALERT: you know what he's smoking).

And if KFed is really serious about gaining more chunk, he just needs to feast on one of Manuel Uribe's ass farts. That'll instantly put 50lbs of lard on his body.

TMZ says that K-WellFed is trying to drop the chunk on the new season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club along with his original baby mama Shar Jackson, Nicole Eggert and Bobby Brown. Yes, KFed and Bobby Brown in the same cast. Hell to the BARF! I really hope there are zero scenes involving Bobby Brown pushing out one of KFed's shamu-sized doody bubbles. Poopoono.

I'm guessing that the executives at McDonald's, Arby's, Church's, KFC, Taco Bell and (insert the name of every single restaurant here) are plucking out their nipple hairs over this in an emergency meeting. Because if KFed is off the deliciousness, that means their stock will plummet and cheeseburgers will sit untouched under the heat lamps for daaaaaays. This is not what the economy needs right now.

If you were in Coto De Caza, CA yesterday and wondered why there was a giant eclipse in the middle of the day, then you should know that it was just KFed passing through!

KFed was there for the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic and Us Weekly says that everyone there cried "YOUARESOFUCKINFATTYFATFAT" when he showed up. One of the employees said, "Man, that's a belly on him! That's K-Fed?!?" Have these shocked people not been on the internet lately? KFed has looked like this for a while. Shit, I would look like that two if the most exercise I was required to do each week was to cash a check from Brit Brit. I'd spend my mornings at IHOP, my afternoons at In-N-Out and my evenings at Chili's. So I can't hate.

But maybe there's a deeper reason for KFed's massive gut over bagina? Maybe his powers of fertility are stronger than we thought. Maybe he actually grew ovaries (from eating too many Egg McMuffins) and got himself pregnant! It's possible. And Brit Brit will be getting the bill for KFed's new chirruns too. You better believe it.

And with all that being said, I'd STILL hit it. WELL, dude probably cums Bisquick and I like pancakes!

Brit Brit is currently touring all through Europe and she took a little time to take her Cheetolings to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It's nice that Brit Brit dressed up for the occasion, but homegirl still looks like your crackhead cousin trying to clean up for a wedding. You know, the cousin who even has a bad case of the sweats in winter time. What I'm trying to say is that Brit Brit looks beautiful as usual.

Yish, Brit Brit is allergic to bras. We know this. Her Slim Jim nipples don't bother me anymore. I'm used to seeing them. I feel like we know each other. I could tell them my deepest secrets without fear. We're like family. Shit, I've seen Brit Brit's pokies more than I've seen my own nipples. And I think it's high time that her weave star in a remake of The Swamp Thing. The role it was born to play.

I bet Brit Brit has no idea that she's wearing a Star of David necklace. She probably just thinks it's "purdy shiny blue star."

Anyway, here's more of Brit Brit and her boys in Paris tonight. I also threw in some pictures of K-WellFed with his girlfriend and the boys earlier today.

In other news, the City of Paris just announced that they are completely out of baguettes....and fries....and pastries....

I regularly toast successful panty peddlers for their hard work in the field of gold digging, but I always forget about KFed. And I shouldn't. If KFed didn't drop his Bisquick batter into Brit Brit's Cheeto pot, he would probably be sneaking joints in the storage room at his day-job at Kinko's instead of living the life. Look at his ass now! The dumb bitch has it made! While Brit Brit makes that Slim Jim money thrusting her twatty all over the UK, KFed is taking their Cheetolings to the Hard Rock Cafe. And the dude is getting paid for it! The best part is that he even came with a bodyguard and a nanny! That's like getting paid to just eat, lay down and carry around a tiny Cheetoling every now and again. I swear.

Here's more of KFed with the boys leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London last night. I think the boys just ate cheesebugers and fries. KFed ate the whole kitchen.

When Oprah offered a free grilled chicken lunch for one day only, the site went down in a quick minute. All signs point to KFed, because he was probably refreshing and printing like crazy! Homeboy needs to get as much free chicken as he can since he's basically running out of cash. How does Brit Brit expect a stoner like KFed to get in his 50,000 calories a day on only $40k a month?! Triflin'!

A source tells the National Enquirer (via MSNBC) that KFed gets $40k a month including $20k for the Cheetolings, but it's still not enough for him. KFed is pouring BBQ sauce over that money and devouring it up! Both figuratively and literally! The source went on to say, “Kevin has blown through millions of dollars. When he and Britney divorced, Kevin continued the superstar lifestyle, and he spends all the money that he gets. Kevin can't afford the rent, his help, the food and the booze it takes to keep up his home."

Daddy Spears better open up Brit's wallet and pay up, because when KFed gets the hongaries in a serious way, there's no telling what he's going to do! One of the Cheetolings could accidentally spill hot sauce on his shirt and GULP. Gone within seconds.

Here's KFed and his piece terrorizing the streets of Vancouver yesterday. "I want mo monies and pie!"

The two horny possums are at it again, so says Star Magazine. They claim that Brit Brit and KFed are bumping hog pits all over the place during her tour. I'm sure Brit Brit just can't keep her Cheeto-covered paws off of KFed now that his chichis are bigger than hers. When he jiggles it, her twatty lips clap.

One source said , "It's like they're newlyweds all over again. Brit and Kevin can't keep their hands off each other! The flings have made them both a lot happier."

Brit Brit and KFed haven't been too careful, because another source said his girlfriend Victoria Prince "caught him with his hand in the cookie jar."

The source must have heard it wrong from Victoria. KFed's hand was literally in a cookie jar filled with Nutter Butters. He thought he would be nice, so he brought Brit Brit a jar of NBs along with an economy-sized bag of pork rinds and some hot sauce. For old times sake.

You know how KFed and Brit Brit are both serious about their eats, so they got all nekkid, because clothes can be distracting when you're trying to get down to business. Then when a little hot sauce fell on KFed's fat titty, Brit Brit licked it off. It's a scientific fact that hot sauce tastes better to hillbillies when mixed with a little underbooby butter. Victoria didn't see any kind of wrong shit! She just saw too old friends bonding over their favorite pastime!

Image: Fame Pictures