KFed

Just when you thought Britney Spears had gotten her shit together (said no one, ever), Kevin Federline's brother Christopher drops this little bombshell on her recent behavior. According to him, she not only stole his credit card, but she's a blackmailing SUCIA brother in law fucker to boot! Ah, the days of the pink wig and umbrella are not totally behind us. Nostalgia.

In this article from Radar Online, Christopher gives the juicy details to the Enquirer on why he had to file a restraining order against her ass on December 18th.

In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”

Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft -- which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges -- “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

So, let me get this straight. Gross, Britney has no taste in credit cards, hops on every available thing (pulse optional), and the best part: KFed's bro has a $4500 limit (you know she maxed that shit out) AND a small one. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or point and laugh at his ass. Okay, I do know and so do you. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Capital One...what's NOT in your wallet anymore?

EDIT: My dumb ass forgot to say that Christopher claims to be Sean Preston's father!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN *Home Alone face* This shit just keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE: Aw man, this lawsuit is bogus. I guess we will all have to put our Crazy Britney shrines back into storage.

When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco's character in the feature film version of TruTV's Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:

It's the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1's From G's to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn't take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips.

When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don't see the "rapper" Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I'm trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman's True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it!

Who knew that James Franco could pull off the "middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit" look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco's peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches.

And let's just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce.

K-Wellfed tells the Herald Sun that he wants his Cheetolings to grow up to be normal people and he'll make sure they know the value of a dollar by forcing them to get jobs at McDonald's. Working at pizza place as a teen made KFed the unemployed, failed rapper, gold digger he is today.

"I'll have them working at Micky D's. That's how we had to do it! I worked at a car wash, I worked at a pizza place. Things like that made me. I can be in this business now and I'm still the same person I am back then, because I know what I want out of life and how to treat people."

Oh, please. KFed is popozaoing out a whole lot of shit. KFed is going to make the Cheetolings work at McDonald's, because his ass just wants free Quarter Pounders. Actually, that's a really good reason. When Brit Brit stops sending KFed a check, somebody's going to have to feed him, because he's sure as hell not going to do it himself.

Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the 'beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown.

A spokesperson for Channel 9's Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain't going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale.

You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I've been on a sort of diet. I haven't been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I've been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed's fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him.

Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they're huffing like they're trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it's the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it's the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp.

Doesn't Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, "NOOO! IT HURTS!" But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, "YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!" So see, I'm only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do.

In a delivery room somewhere in California yesterday, KFed's piece Victoria Prince birthed out the newest baby that will suck on a bottle bought by Sugar Mama Brit Brit! UsWeekly says that KFed's girlfriend became his 3rd baby mama when she pushed out his 5th child at around 6:33pm on Monday. KFed and Victoria named their new daughter Jordan Kay. JK!

KWellFed told UsWeekly back in April that he and Victoria already planned on naming the newest member to his baby pack Jordan, "[Victoria] said that if we were going to have a little girl, she wanted to name her Jordan. And then, we actually thought that it was a boy, but we stuck with the name Jordan because, you know, it fits both ways."

I know that most of you hos think KFat is nothing but a hairy lump of uselessness that feeds all of his ten million children with the Cheeto crumbs that Brit Brit sprinkles on him, but he deserves a little more credit. I mean, Victoria doesn't have to worry about getting swole, chewed-up nipples from breastfeeding since KFed's right chichi squirts out chocolate leche and his left chichi squirts out vanilla leche. KFed just have to push his chichis together and pinch his nipples at the same time to give his baby a vanilla chocolate milk swirl. Everyone is happy.

I know you're all screaming that KFed should get snipped, but that's still not going to stop his ovary-hungry sperm fishes. They are unstoppable! They chew through condoms! They NOM NOM NOM through diaphragms! They are ravage beasts. If KFed cums on your face, you can feel those motherfuckers crawl up into your nostrils to make their way to your ovaries. They have built-in GPS systems and can breathe on land! You might think that like their creator, they can be distracted with a Twinkie, but they don't fall for those simple tricks.

And we're afraid of sharks when the real predator on this planet is KFed's jizz.

For the (I lost count)th time in his life, KFed is going to be a dad. A source tells E! News that KFed's girlfriend of about 3 years Victoria Prince is 5 months knocked up with their first child together. KFed's sperm fishes can eat through a condom, so something tells me this was all part of the plan. If it wasn't, then Victoria needs to hire a better crane operator who will pull KFed off of her in time. Really, in the near future most of the population will be directly related to KFed, Lil' Wayne or a Duggar. We're doomed.

A rep for KFed (aka his favorite sandwich maker at Subway) wouldn't say anything about this, but the source says that they are "totally happy" about the news. The source adds that Brit Brit doesn't have much to say about it either because she's "focused on her work right now."

How is KFed going to get Brit to pay for this one too?! If you see a fat ho in a stork costume crawling up a ladder to Brit's bedroom window while carrying a baby doll and a new child support contract in his beak, you know what KFed is up to.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Brit Brit Spears, her current piece Jason Trawick and her former piece KFed all gathered together on Saturday afternoon to cheer on SPF in a Little League game. Well, Brit Brit mainly showed up because she heard they were serving Rolling Cheese hot dog sandwiches on Hawaiian bread (note: she's got her eatin' leggings on). And KFed showed up, because he's coaching SPF's team. Even though Brit Brit sticks a wad of 100s in KFed's fupa side-cleavage every month so that he can buy more pairs of baggy capris from Land End's Chaz Bono line, it's still nice to see that they can come together for the Cheetolings.

You know who I wish would stop living together in harmony? Brit Brit's pickled feet and those horrific studded UGGs that traveled to this planet in a colonic tube shoved up hell's ass. Please tell me that KFed devoured one of those evil things after Brit dropped some nacho cheese on it.

It would make my Monday if I knew that one of those UGGs is keeping Bit Bit company at the bottom of KFed's stomach.

Here's Xtina and her flex paid piece Matt Rutler struttin' their asses through the airport in Tokyo (insert your "Xtina is Big in Japan" comments here) before the Japanese premiere of Burlesque tonight. This must be Matt's "personal reason" for quitting on one of his band's gigs last night. Hmmm. Getting a few drink tickets for performing with his band at a casino in Rhode Island, or licking premium sake off of Xtina's nipples in a penthouse suite in Tokyo? As a firm believer that you should follow everything you read in the Gold Digger's Handbook, I'll say that Matt made the right choice.

You know, Matt might sort of look like Bat Boy after getting an Extreme Makeover to look more Josh Groban-ey in the face, but all I see is the second coming of KFed shortly followed by the second coming of POPOZAO. This isn't going to end well for our ear holes.

When KFed just couldn't beat mission 28 on Grand Theft Auto 4 (I feel your pain, KFed), it gave him the sads in a major way which caused him to fill his mouth hole with anything and everything. KFed apologizes to the parents of the pets and toddlers he accidentally devoured in one of his feeding frenzies.

In a new interview with Access Hollywood (via People), KFed says he fell into a deep depression after his divorce from Our Lady of Cheetos. Like many, KFed dealt with the serious sads by wiping out every buffet in town. How many times do you think KFed heard the words, "There's no more clean plates for you, Mr. Kfed."

Anyway, KFed explains, "Once you get depressed, you don't really feel like doing anything. You're kind of discouraged about yourself and then the weight gain too, or that makes me more depressed. … I mean, it's a combination of all of those things. Everybody knows what happened with me and Brit. I'm not going to say that's the total cause of it but, I mean, just not being happy with myself was probably the main part of my depression."

The truth is I think his depression was triggered by listening to PopoZão without being under the influence of anything on the United States Controlled Substances Schedule. That will do it.

But thanks to Celebrity Fit Club, KFed has lost the chunk and now he's ready to tackle the world again by doing important stuff like finally beating mission 28 on GTA4.

KFed also said that he's happy that Brit Brit is back to touring again, "I'm really happy for her. I'm very happy for her."

Translation: KFed is farting happy that Brit tamed the crazy, so she can go back to putting Twinkies on his table. Or should I say, Twinkie Bites.

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.