KFed

Sucio alert! Star Magazine claims that Brit Brit and KFed have been enjoying late-night phone sex sessions. It all started when Brit Brit couldn't sleep, so she decided to call KFed at 2am. At first they talked about SPF and JJ, but their conversation quickly turned into sloppy, greasy phone sex. Nasty.

A source said, "They have phone sex often — at least once a week. The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."

That isn't right. That's a 3,000 calorie phone call right there. I bet Brit tells him, "Ya'll wanna stick yer cheeto puff in mah dunkin donuts?" Extra frosting!

A Brit Brit and KFed phone sex sessions sounds like the worst episode of Crank Yankers ever.

The Insider has confirmed that Brit Brit will reprise her role as Abby in "How I Met Your Mother." Production on her episode begins today and it will air May 12th.

FOX released the episode's synopsis: "Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common, their mutual hatred of Ted. The new 'couple' decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face. Desperate to get a rise out of his former pal, Barney pops a surprising question to Abby. "

Two things spring to mind. One, I hope they make Doogie Howser swap spit with Brit Brit. That kiss would turn him gay....again. Second, the surprising question better be, "Brit, can I see what's underneath that busted weave?" Seriously, I need to know what's hiding under there. Methinks it's London and Carla. They are keeping themselves alive by eating the Cheeto dust that is constantly floating around Brit.

In other Brit news, TMZ reports that Brit and KFed's Child Custody Evaluation report was delivered to lawyers on Friday. The report is several hundred pages long and their source claim it's both "encouraging and damaging for Britney." A hearing is scheduled May 6th.

This shit needs to be leaked! It sounds like perfect Summer reading!

Brit Brit is coming full circle. She's already reportedly reunited with Larry Rudolph and now she's trying to get back into KFed's bed? That's if you believe Star Magazine. They claim Brit and KFed had a secret meeting during Easter weekend. During this secret meeting, they decided they should run away to Maui for a couple of days. I think this source got it wrong. KFed asked Britney for more money, because he wanted to buy some Maui Wowie. He doesn't want to run away with her to Maui!

A source said, “Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them. When he suggested it to her, she told him she was ready to go anytime he was.”

The sourcie also claims she bought him a $138,000 diamond watch. Again! It wasn't $138,000. It was $138 and it was for the Maui Wowie! That shit is gooood. Even Brit knows it.

If this is true, then I hope their second wedding is just as elegant as their first. I'm thinking White Castle for the ceremony and Hooter's for the reception.

I think I'm more interested in the Shiloh chipping her tooth story. She probably tripped while walking down the aisle as the flower girl in Brangelina's wedding. You know, the wedding that never was.

KFed celebrated the big 3-0 in Las Vegas last night with a Birthday extravaganza filled with A-listers. Ok, there wasn't any A-listers. There wasn't any B or C-listers either. There was Shar Jackson and that's about it. I don't even know what list she's on. The tool list probably. Shar was only brought into this world to talk about KFed and Britney. Seriously, that's all she fucking does is comment on their business.

Oh and KFed's shark lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, also showed. You know that bitch is billing KFed for his time at the party and by "KFed" I mean Britney, because she pays the bills.

KFed spent the night in the VIP section of the club with his friends where he downed Jack, danced on the sofa and held up a "FDRLINE" license plate. Summer's Eve needed to sponsor that event, because it sounds like it was douche central.

TMZ has a hilarious video of KFed rambling to the crowd about gambling or some shit like that. I'm pretty sure only Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Spuds McKenzie could understand what the hell he was saying. The crowd was not feeling him and they booed his ass! It's your Birthday and boo your ass if I want to! It couldn't have happened to a better douche.

KFed and Daddy Spears will reportedly join forces to manage a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles. This is a brilliant idea since neither of them are Mexican and L.A. definitely needs more Mexican restaurants. Money maker! Brit Brit will apparently fund the joint. When I say "Brit Brit will fund the joint" I mean Daddy Spears will use her money since he's the HBIC of her finances.

A source said, “K-Fed wants to take over a Mexican place in LA with him and Jamie as managers. The restaurant, called Casa Cordobes, has been a favorite of Kevin’s for a while. He ate there with Britney. Now the owner wants to retire he really wants to run it. Kevin and Jamie get along well nowadays and Jamie is keen to get back into the restaurant game.”

This sounds like a fucking 80s sitcom. They should let Brit Brit takeover the menu. Think of all the delicious things she could come up with! I'm thinking Frapp flan, Huevos Rancheetos, carne asucka and orange soda horchata.

Source

KFed's celebrating the big 3-0 at the douche dungeon aka Pure in Las Vegas next Friday. PageSix.com is claiming KFed is getting the greatest gift of all for his Birthday. He's getting cold hard cash from Pure. Sources tell them he's getting paid at least six figures and one source said he's making $175,000 for the night. "Kevin is a big spender, and a draw for the crowds. So the money he gets is nothing compared to the money they make" said one inside bitch.

Big spender my ass lips! Earlier this week, Brit's lawyer blasted KFed for wanting her to pay his legal bills because he makes more money than he lets on.

Paying money to be around drunk KFed fans sound like a fucking blast. I think I'll skip that tampon soiree and look for the pictures on Hot Chicks with Douchebags. That's what 99% of the club is going to look like.

The "One Tree Hill" producers should really think about adding KFed to their cast permanently. He really brings a certain dynamic to the show. A douche dynamic. Britney should be proud. His acting skills make her look like Meryl Streep. I do love hearing him say, "You think you were good? The only reason people were clapping is because I told them you were retarded." He probably said that to Britney once. He's using past experiences. He's a real actor!

Above is a clip from tonight's episode where KFed gets knocked out. He had it coming.

KFed's in NYC for fashion week and he attended the Marc Jacobs show last night. For what reason I'm not really sure. Can he even afford that shit? I guess with Brit Brit's money. And who is taking care of the kids? Quick! Take them away. He's an awful father.

Seriously though, is it wrong that I still get tingling in the private area for KFed. The cockatoo haircut is just taking me over the top. I want to hold on to his cockahawk and make him chirp and scream for more. Marc wants it too. Actually, Marc looks pretty ashamed. He's thinking, "This is what it's come to? Getting douche bags with cockahawks to come to my show?" Sadly, yes.

Wenn, Splash, Wireimage

KFed's reality show for E! has been put on hold, because of Brit Brit's drama. E! had planned to air a reality show featuring KFed as a working father. Riddle me this. Don't you have to actually work to be called a "working father." A source told The NY Post, "His plans are on hold because of the Britney situation. He had planned to do it, but not now."

A KFed reality show sounds like boring shit anyway. If I wanted to watch a douche sit around, smoking weed and making fart jokes I'd look in the damn mirror.

KFed is currently in NYC where he will attend the Marc Jacobs show tonight. Who's taking care of the kids? They better be on lock down just in case Brit finds out.

Image: Wireimage

Britney and KFed arrived at the L.A. County Courthouse this morning for the latest custody hearing. Brit was there to ask for her visitation rights back. She was not required to be there. TMZ reports that she went into the building, but never made it inside the courtroom. She bolted and left the building. When The Commish asked if she was going back, her attorney said, "I don't know whether she'll be here or not. I don't want to delay the hearing."

Brit's lawyer is asking The Commish to grant her visitation rights back in a "therapeutic setting."

That Britney is a funny one! She probably realized she wasn't at her local 76 gas station, so turned around. Osama fooled her! He told her they were going to get Slurpees. Damn him.