Justin Bieber

Remember that bright pink OctoMom butt plug that made your b-hole and uterus snap shut at the same time? Do you also remember that statue of Brit Brit birthing out a Cheetoling that made you never look at canned chicken jelly the same way again? Or the one every Brangeloonie had made into travel-sized dildo form? Or what about Suri's gold-plated shit? Well, all those works of nightmaric art came from artist Daniel Edwards and he has once again created some shit that'll make you point at the eyes on a molestation doll and scream that Daniel touched you there.

The nightmare machine in Daniel's head commanded his hands to sculpt a bronze statue of a nekkid ass nekkid Justin Bieber conjoined at the torso with a nekkid ass nekkid Selena Gomez (Lori & Reba are definitely not amused). The maple leaf over Justin's Barbie crotch represents Canada and the star over Selena's chocha represents Texas. And because staring at the horrific skid mark of a three-legged Beibez monster isn't enough to make your head swallow your eyeballs to end the madness, Daniel just had to add a Canadian goose fucking on a Texas armadillo.

While you might call this mess "NOOO!!!!," Daniel is calling it "Justin & Selena as One." It will make its debut at the New Fine Arts sex toy store in Dallas, TX sometime soon. Yes, Daniel's going to showcase this shit at a sex toy store, because you should have to show your ID and pass through a rubber curtain to see it.

The worst part is that when the robot aliens are scanning the earth after 2012 ate our civilization, they are going to find this and think these were our Gods. I hope they find Suri's gold shit instead.

On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

Here's the 17-year-old Canadian Jesus Justin Bieber posing with his dad Vanilla Ice Jeremy Bieber after they both got Jesus tattooed on their torsos in Hebrew a couple of months ago. Where are the pictures of Jeremy dunking Justin's head in a bowl of Summer's Eve and wrapping him in an Ed Hardy blanket, because this shit looks like scenes straight from a douchetism.

The Lesbeaver's skin looks as fragile as a swan's hymen, so I don't even know he can take a tattoo. When the tattoo artist touched Justin's with the needle, he probably flinched for a minute thinking that pinata candy was going to spill out.

Jesus and God better step away from the needle and not even thinking of getting matching Bieber tattoos on their torsos in Comic Sans.

And about Jeremy Bieber... Sometimes I get sentimental about the porn stars who taught me how to love (see: fap) in my teens and so I'll Google them to see what they look like today. Nine times out of nine, they look just like Jeremy Bieber. You know, they look like a dude who you can usually find shirtless in the middle of a Kroger, buying Amstel Light after getting fired from his 5th plumbing job in a row for giving the shocker to the office assistants.

Please don't ask me if I would with the peen that shot out Justin Bieber 17 years ago. I'm not that fucking sick or hard up... Okay, I would.

In a scene not unlike when Dark Heart tried to take down the Care Bears, Justin Bieber was tackled by who some say was an insane fan at a signing for his bottle of virgin queefs at Macy's in NYC today. However, TMZ is trying to say that it was all just a big mistake and it wasn't an insane fan who wanted to make love to Justin's halo of wondrous follicles, it was an undercover cop trying to protect him. Uh huh. Open that undercover cop's coat and I'm sure you'll find a 3-year-old Belieber sitting on another 3-year-old Belieber's shoulders. Guilty.

A source says that when the crowd of insane and fetus-thirsty Beliebers started to get crazy, the plainclothes officer tried to help. The Lesbeaver's security team had no idea who the undercover cop was so they tried to pull the dude away. After the officer showed his badge, he cited Bieber's bodyguard with disorderly conduct. But when Justin Bieber smiled causing the sky to jizz a rainbow, the officer took back the citation. Because when you make a Beiber cry, a Canadian angel's balls drop prematurely and that's not a good thing (I think).

Here's the clip of Beiber getting attacked:

The SCREAMS! It's like the Vancouver Riots re-enacted by newborns. I don't see Bieber, but I'm pretty sure I see Waldo.

That "gross" is not not my feelings about The Lesbeaver eye diving into Selena Gomez's vest at Canada's MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto last night. Baby Bieber hasn't learned yet that lady nipples aren't just for sucking leche out of so I'm guessing it's way past his feeding time. This is like a picture of me eye diving into the wrapper of an Almond Joy. It's totally natural.

What I'm really throwing a "gross" at is Justin Bieber's Kelly Kapowski t-shirt! Like Justin even knows who Kelly Kapowski is! The year after Saved By The Bell ended, Justin was merely just a sperm guppy floating around in his daddy's testicle. I bet Justin doesn't even know up until the late 90s, Tiffany Thiessen had an Amber stuffed into her name. Illegal.

Today, I am half naked with a blanket wrapped around me and this picture of Justin is trying to pull it off of me while I'm screaming, "IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY." Which is also my comment for Justin showing up to last night's awards looking like the fourth runner-up in Gymboree's Don Johnson look-alike contest.

You can go back to using your bunker to store your Extreme Couponing victories and tubs of boy butter, because a flock of locusts with tiny halos of golden follicles over their heads will not smother us now that we know Selena Gomez's womb is not full of a Bieber baby. That's what TMZ says anyway. When Selena Gomez went to the hospital on Thursday night after complaining of a headache and the voms, we all figured that either she and Justin Bieber scissored too hard or that a Belieber poured battery acid into her kombucha tea. But a source tells TMZ that none of those are the cause.

A source type says that Selena is sick with blood pressure issues, but doctors aren't exactly sure what is causing the inside of her veins to hum a David Bowie song (ugh, I know). The source also put on a serious face and said that the only baby she'll rocking to sleep in the near future is Justin Bieber when he has a night terror and wets the bed.

I for one am choosing to believe that Selena is not with child, because 2011 is already the year of the BABIES!!! and we don't need to know that BABIES!!!! can spawn more BABIES!!!. That'll be like when Sigourney Weaver realizes that she's in the alien nest and she's doomed. Eh, I'm sure Selena just has Bieber Fever and the cure is a double slap to the face and a month without Twitter.

Justin Bieber's playground coochie bumpin' partner Selena Gomez was taken to the hospital last night after her head started to ache in a bad way and she experienced the kind of nausea you feel when you translate the words "playground coochie bumpin" into a visual.

TMZ reports that after she sat across from Jay Leno on The Tonight Show, Selena was overcome with the sicks and needed medical attention. Selena is still in the hospital today to undergo tests. Her show at an outdoor mall in Santa Monica tonight has been canceled. Selena's rep isn't saying what put her on the hospital bed.

If I was Selena Gomez's doctor, I'd ask her three things:

1. Why are you messing around with the baby Marcy D'Arcy?

2. Did she happen to see a deranged toddler in a Justin Bieber onesie crawl out of her dressing room at the Tonight Show with an empty jar of poison in its tiny hand?

3. Is she allergic to any farm animals? Because if she's knocked up, I'll have to prescribe an antihistamine so she isn't snotting all over the place when she births out the second coming of Bieber in the manger.

Oh, and she should probably wear a gas mask during delivery, because Usher is going to show up in a cloud of smoke at some point to collect Justin Bieber's first born. A contract is a contract!

The nursery of mental asylums everywhere will be full of empty crib cages today, because all of the Beliebing toddlers will be in the computer labs, sending ALL-CAPS death threats to Jason Sudeikis. Jason better set up his e-mail settings to automatically reply with a link to buy chewable Prozac to any e-mail that contains the words "Jascunt Slutdookie" or "DIE." Because Justin Bieber's insane fans will be out for virtual blood.

Jason was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night and the two talked about the time they were on opposite teams for the NBA All-Star celebrity game. Jimmy was on the same team as Justin Bieber and asked Jason if he trash talked the lesbian baby Jesus. What Jason said will make every mentally unstable Belieber bite their pacifiers in half while Ina Garten toasts to him.

Jason: "Trash talk him? A little bit. Just a little bit. I didn't even know it was him for the first two quarters, I thought it was a Make-A-Wish situation."

Jimmy: "You were trash talking a Make-A-Wish kid?"

Jason: "Yeah, easy target."

I see what Jason is doing. Dude is obviously a Selena Gomez fan and is trying to take the heat off of her while rounding up some material for himself. Because who wouldn't want to get a virtual death threat like this:

You know, this Belieber is actually giving Selena major credit, because they think she can suck and fuck an ass at the same time. Some hos (John Travolta) go to yoga just so that they can stretch themselves into that position!

via EW.com & Buzzfeed

Dear Selena Gomez,

When Chris Hansen asked you to have a seat over there, he didn't mean on Justin Bieber's 17-year-old crotch.

Sincerely yours,
Michael

P.S. - Thanks to you, everybody who looks at these pictures is going to jail now. Thank you. You're single-handedly responsible for overcrowded prisons. You, sucia pedo puta, you. Good going.

P.P.S. - When you're singing Baby Bieber a goodnight lullaby in his bassinet tonight, please let him know through song that the organizers of the National Weight Lifting Competition are impressed that his parakeet arms were able to lift your NOT RIGHT ass in the water. They'd like him to compete in their toddler division this year.

P.P.P.S - A covered playpen: get one next time.

Most 17-year-olds take their girlfriends on a romantic vacation to his backyard fort where he laid down a blanket his mom bought at the Tijuana border and blocked the opening with a discarded door so the dog can't get in, but not the most famous yodeling fetus in the world! As the evil villain that is puberty watched Justin Bieber from afar while saying under its breath, "HA! Not going hit that today," he strolled through Maui yesterday afternoon with his girlfriend Selena Gomez.

If Selena is only sticking her hand into the bassinet to steal gold from the hand of Baby Bieber, then pedo on, you cradle robbing gold digger, pedo on. But if she's with Justin Bieber for a reason other than that, then I must delete every one of her songs from my iTunes playlist*.

Justin and Selena are on vacation together, which means they are probably staying in the same room, which means they are probably sleeping in the same bed, which means she probably doesn't mind when he wets the bed during a pee pee dream. SUCIA! We'll have to start calling her S. Kelly from now on!

And if all of this wasn't creepy enough for you, here's the Bieb's newest perfume commercial:

* I have paid for and downloaded several Selena Gomez songs, so I obviously lack better judgement and good decision making skills. Disregard every word I have written in this post.