Justin Bieber

Mariah Yeater's fame whoring Winnebago has expectedly pulled into The Insider and she changed into every crazy bitch's "take me seriously" outfit of a button down shirt and a cardigan to talk about how she conceived the third coming of Hilary Swank next to a urinal cake and a dirty stink inside of a stadium bathroom. Mariah looked like she was about to either barf up tears or cry out barf as she said that she's got serious proof that a fetus bareback scissored a fetus right into her womb.

Of course, this trick ass ho isn't saying what this proof is, because she's a master of suspense, obviously. We know it's not a pube, because Justin Bieber can't grow those. So unless Mariah's proof is a video of Tenderheart testifying that it is possible for one of his own to make a baby by Care Bear Staring into a twat, bitch is a'lyin'!

Meanwhile, Justin and Selena Gomez were in Belfast over the weekend for the MTV EMAs and TMZ says that as soon as he gets back he will get swabbed to prove that he isn't Trystyn Yeater-Bieber's (pronounced "eat her beaver") dad. Once he proves that, Justin's lawyers will file a lawsuit again Mariah for making it all up for attention and a quick check from The Insider.

There's really no winners here. We've all lost, because our minds have been force fed illegal and disgusting images of Justin Bieber trying to balance on a step stool while humping a grown woman with his Pull-Ups wrapped around his ankles. Baby Trystyn has lost, because his mother is INSANE. Justin Bieber has lost, because once it's proven that he's not the father, there goes his street cred and we'll all continue to believe the rumor that his down low part only shoots out Baby Alive piss and it easily comes off with a screwdriver.

Justin Bieber (the baby on the left) was on Today this morning to whore his musical terrorist threat on Christmas and Matt Lauer asked about the allegations that he accidentally created an heir to his potty training throne (the baby in the middle) with a then 19-year-old trick named Mariah Yeater (seen on the right showing us what Bieber should've done 12 months ago in that stadium bathroom). Bieber denied it, because he never wrote a co-letter to the stork with that woman! Bieber wants to see the signed delivery slip from the stork who brought that baby!

Bieber's real defense is that he's never seen Mariah's face before and he's never backstage after a show long enough to do illegal 30-second sex times with anybody.

"I'd just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim. It's crazy. Every night after the show I'm gone right from the stage right to the car, so it's crazy that some people want to make such false allegations. To set the record straight, none of it is true. Never met the woman. Like I said before, there's going to be goods and bads in the business."

Mariah's lawyers were on Dr. Drew's HLN show last night where they basically said Justin needs to put $1 in the LIAR JAR, because he's the only one who could be the father. They put it like this: “In the relevant time period, she wasn't having sex with anyone else. That's how we know Justin Bieber is, in fact, the father of the baby... we need the paternity test to verify that scientifically, 100-percent.”

Can't Justin Bieber's mommy promise to give him a green lollipop if he lets the doctors swab him as she holds his hand? They are dragging this shit out. It can all be solved with one swab. If Justin is the father, then he'll have to move into the Witness Protection Program's playpen since the Beliebers will turn on him and we'll have to start teaching sex education in our pre-schools. If Justin isn't the father, then Mariah's voicemail box is going to be filled with angry coos for months to come. Either way, the streets will be covered with cunty toddlers out for blood, so we've all been warned.

via People

The Beliebers are sharpening their rattles into shanks, asking their parents to get them a PlaySkool gat for Christmas and turning grade school poems into adorable death threats, because one of their own has gone rogue by claiming that Justin Bieber knocked her up during 30-second not-so-sexy times in a backstage bathroom at one of his concerts. Buzzfeed put together the best death threat Tweets made by a bunch of Beliebers who really need a chancleta-wielding abuelita in their lives. Reading those Tweets is the best birth control, because who wants their child to join these baby-worshiping crazies as the future of humanity? My parts don't even make ovaries and I'm about to shove an old school Depo Provera syringe up my asshole just in case. Moving on....

I guess Mariah Yeater's 3-month-old son doesn't have a Hasbro tag sticking out of his big toe and a preliminary DNA test could not confirm or deny that he's half teddy bear, because her lawyers still want Justin Bieber to submit a sample. Lawyers for the 20-year-old crazy ho (seen in a bathroom and bedroom photo shoot below) tell Radar that they have every reason to believe that The Lesbeaver is the father of her child and the only way to prove this is with DNA. Justin's lawyers deny that he ever even met her and he's filing his own lawsuit against her for defamation. But Mariah's pepaw, Eddie Markhouse, tells The NYDN that his granddaughter only does underage yodeling fetuses and she does not do lie-telling.

“I don’t know the whole story. But, from what I understood, she met him at a concert and he sent two security guards down off of the stage to bring her backstage to meet him. She said they partied, had some drinks and they indulged in sex … She’s basically an honest good person. She’s got a big heart. She’s a good kid and she loves this baby.”

Oh, I believe that Mariah feels nothing but love for her baby. If I had a child that I loved, I'd want to tell him that he was made when a drunk superstar toddler humped on me for half a minute in the dirty stall of some bathroom. Then I'd tell my baby that I didn't sue his father for the money. I did it for the legal right to use his last name on the birth certificate. I mean, if Justin is the father, then Mariah's baby's last name will be: Yeater-Bieber. YEATER FUCKING BIEBER! Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner for the best hyphenated last name ever. Think about it. Grab your tongue and say Yeater-Bieber really fast. EAT. HER. BEAVER.

You are definitely not a loving and caring mother if you keep your child from having a last name like that.

This is exactly why the Belieber ward of the county mental hospital should not show any episode of Maury in its TV room. Star Magazine (via Radar) reports that a 20-year-old grown woman named Mariah Yeater has sued 17-year-old Justin Bieber and is claiming what biological scientists have already found to be impossible. Mariah wants the Barbie-crotched Canadian Jesus to take a paternity test, because she claims he put a baby in her womb after a concert one night. You know, unlike Justin, most of us know how babies are made. And most of us also know that there's a greater chance of me conceiving a baby by inseminating my dead prostate with a drop of this cotton candy ice cream than there is Justin making a baby with a grown ass woman. But a crazy bitch gotta sue, who a crazy bitch gotta sue.

Mariah writes in a hand-written sworn affidavit that one of Justin's bodyguards came up to her during his show in L.A. on October 25th of last year and asked her if she wanted to go backstage. I guess reenacting the bedroom sex scene of Boys Don't Cry with her in the Chloe Sevigny role and Justin as Brandon Teena has always been on Mariah's cum bucket list, because she went backstage. Mariah then goes on to write some shit that sounds like Justin Bieber fanfiction written by Stephenie Meyer. Warning: You might want to turn off the part of your brain that creates images before your eyes go any further.

"After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation. Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.

After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone -- a bathroom. We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.

In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds."

30 seconds... Okay, maybe she is truth telling after all. Nine months later, pushed out a boy who is now 3 months old.

Maybe she just wants that DNA sample to clone his ass, because she doesn't need to swab the most famous fetus in the world to find out if he's the father of her child. Just show the baby a picture of Usher and if he looks at it before saying, "Memaw!," then that's the final sign of the apocalypse. We can all finally lay down in the dirt and wait for the tears of a million Beliebers to drown us all.

Remember yesterday how I said that the crazy bitch who spit up bat shit at Usher for parking in a handicap spot should smoke some a bowl out of a Valium bong while a kitten massages her ear with its purrs to calm her ass down? It's a good thing I kept a receipt for that comment, because I'm taking it back. Usher deserves to be covered with bat shit and beat with a dozen handicap parking placards for giving birth to the maple syrup-covered anti-Christ who is responsible for this dark-sided drummer boy fuckery (featuring Busta Rhymes).

The drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks. Jesus just put a call in to Maury, because if he can prove that God is not the father, then Christmas is canceled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let me dial that number for you.

Oh, and here's another one to bang your head against a wall to. Mimi, you'll never be forgiven for this.

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, 6-year-old-looking Justin Bieber gave his 19-year-old scissor sister Selena Gomez a titty check at a hockey game in Winnipeg over the weekend. Or maybe he's grabbing at hers while wishfully dreaming about the day that his finally come in. Then The Lesbeaver and Selena put everybody in that VIP box on some kind of list when they kissed on each other while 69-ing through their jerseys.

Okay, I was 12 once a million years ago, so I understand that kids do this kind of shit when their hormones tell them they're in love, but DAMN. Take this shit away from public eyes. This is why I told my mother never to throw away that empty refrigerator box in the garage. Not because I needed it for a science project, but because I needed it to make out in. Duh. Get an empty refrigerator box, Selena!

That titty grabbing picture is about as not right as not right can be. It's like reverse Pedophilia. And you know how I feel about piercing a baby's ears. Arrest them! Arrest their parents! Arrest us for looking at this! Arrest everybody!

Some doctors might say that I burned away most of my brain cells from watching every season of Footballers Wives at least 12 times and from snorting the insides of a Dexatrim pill as a dare once. But the truth is that they all ate themselves out of madness from working retail during holiday times and listening to the same 15 damn stupid Christmas songs over and over again.

This song, that is already #1 on iTunes, will join the evil army of yuletide melody terrorists this holiday shopping season. It's Jason Mraz burping repeatedly as a lesbian beaver from up north breathes out mistletoe(and cameltoe)-killing note after mistletoe-killing note. It will ruin your holidays. It will also be the reason why you'll have no gifts to give to your loved ones this year. Every time this mess comes on in a store, you'll have no choice but to punch everything and everyone in the aisles as you run out of there to crash head first into the nearest tree. Your loved ones will understand. It's a natural tick.

Also, note to Justin Bieber: When the shawty you're calling a shawty is about as shawty as you, you shouldn't call her a shawty. You should call her an astallasme-ey, or something.

via The Hairpin

How does a multimillionaire lesbaby superstar get his 19-year-old girlfriend to cuddle with him under the top sheet when his babysitter walks out of the room to bang her head against the sink faucet for choosing the career she has chosen?

Well, in case you needed to be reminded of the fact that no child should have that kind of power or money, TMZ reports that Justin Bieber got an idea from Mr. Deeds (FROM MISTER FUCKING DEEDS!) and rented out the entire Staples Center in Los Angeles to give his girlfriend Selena Gomez a private screening of Titanic. You know, because a stadium bigger than John Travolta's b-hole has the perfect acoustics to show a 4-hour long movie. Why do I have a look on my face like Elizabeth Perkin's in Big when Tom Hanks jumps on the top bunk during their "sleepover"? Selena better join that babysitter at the head-banging sink faucet, because her life is officially Big.

A source says that Selena and Justin went to Demi Lovato's show at the Nokia theater last night and afterward he took her underground (not a euphemism so don't let your brain go there) and walked her to the Staples Center. The source also says that Justin has sold out the Staples Center three times so they gave him the place for free as a thank you.

Afterward, Selena lounged across the stadium seats and asked Justin to draw her like one of his girls on his Etch-A-Sketch, wearing this (aka a Heart of the Wonka Factory candy necklace), only this.

If Selena wasn't pissed about this mess of a gift then I really can't with her anymore. Justin shits liquid gold into his diapers every day and this is the cheap shit he gets Selena? If Justin doesn't gift Selena with diamond-encrusted Big Wheels and platinum building blocks, what is she going to pawn after he eventually dumps her ass for Usher?

(Image via Instabieber)

If that isn't a "this is not what I was talking about when I asked your girl ass to grow a vanilla snake already" look from Selena Gomez, then I don't know what is.

At last night's first annual The Spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z Birth Announcement Ceremony, Justin Bieber couldn't make it so Rachel Maddow graciously came in his place and brought along the newest fashion accessory for kindergarten power lezzies: a snake named Johnson. Really, The Lesbeaver named his snake Johnson and brought it out for everybody to pet. This is why most little ass children shouldn't go through puberty under the spotlight, because they do stupid shit like this thinking it's cute. Usher, come and get your daughter! That poor snake is probably trying to figure out how to make a noose out of its tail so it can end this foolery.

Besides, Baby Sandy Duncan isn't butching up his look by carrying around a snake. He can fart out snakes, snails and puppy dog tails all he wants, but we all know he's really made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Nice try, Lesbeaver!

11-year-old Caroline Gonzales won a "Mayor For A Day" contest for kids in her hometown of Forney, TX and her first official order of business was to name a street after her personal Jesus: JUSTIN BIEBER. That STOP sign next to Carline perfectly sums up all of our reactions to this mess.

E! News says that the town came up with the contest, because they're trying to get kids into politics and government. When Caroline was asked WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY? by the people of Forney as they packed their stuff into a U-Haul to move far far away, she said, "Because I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favorite singer?"

If that sign is a permanent thing that will forever live in Forney, then I hope it's on a street that is nothing but a stretch of desolateness full of abandoned warehouses, killed dreams and crack shanties. Because can you imagine living on Justin Bieber Way? Every time you typed in "Justin Bieber Way" in the credit card information box on a porn site you want to join, your boner would die along with your will to go on living.

On ONE positive note, at least Caroline is a kid who is doing stupid kid shit even if it's a nightmare for everybody else. If my 11-year-old self was named Mayor For A Day of Forney, my first order of business would be to change the name of my town to Horney, TX. Shit, that would still be my first order of business. I should've entered that contest.