As soon as the members of the world's #2 terrorist group, the Beliebers, figure out a way to crawl out of their cribs, they're going to start burning effigies of Selena Gomez and Barbara Palvin in the playgrounds. Just a quick second after everyone in the elementary school cafeteria started whispering about how Justin Bieber went to see The Lion King with 19-year-old Hungarian model Barbara Pelvicexam, People confirms that Selena Gomez dumped him, because she kind of got tired of being with a dude who can't grow pubes on his own. You probably already heard about this highly important development when your local news broke into Saturday morning cartoons to report this.
A source (aka a gossiping baby) tells People that the very first lesbian queen and queen of the Hollywood prom broke up about a week ago and she's the one who cut off his umbilical cord. The kindergarten set's answer to Ellen & Portia are over:
"She broke up with him about a week ago," a source tells PEOPLE. "With them being apart so much it got complicated. She had some trust issues. It's not easy, but the relationship needed to end."
The actress, 20, and Bieber, 18, officially stepped out as a couple in February 2011 after months of dating quietly.
The crazed Beliebers are melting down on Twitter and the only thing more tragic and sad than a Belieber crying over Justin Bieber's broken Cabbage Patch doll heart is the fact that me, a grown adult who can wipe his own ass (well, depending on how drunk I am), is writing about the break-up of two children. Excuse me while I go do something really adult like comb my She-Ra doll's hair while listening to a One Direction song WITHOUT parental supervision.
Every grade school in the world ended classes early today so that Beliebers could go home and mourn the loss of Beliemez (or whatever the hell their couple name was). Selena Gomez tweeted this picture last night of Justin Bieber and Lil' Twist looking like the sharpest Amish lezzie couple on the playground and this picture is like stab to Selena's heart, because the photo bomber in the back is Barbara Palvin. Barbara Palvin is a 19-year-old Hungarian Victoria's Secret model who might be Justin's new piece. That cradle-wrecking tramp. And the children weep!
Hollywood Life says that Justin and Barbara hung out backstage after the Victoria's Secret show and then the next night, they apparently went to see The Lion King on Broadway together. Barbara was the one who put on her Victoria's Secret bib, let the Biebs lay his head on her shoulder and stroked his hair as he drooled and cried about Simba's dad dying. Then last night, Lil' Twist tweeted the picture above and later deleted it.
But Barbara might not be the only VS model who's in the running to be Bieber's full-time babysitter, because Page Six says that he went Angel hunting right after the VS fashion show:
According to several sources, Bieber was “asking for phone numbers from the girls” throughout taping of the show and at the party.
“He was hitting on the girls all day,” added one witness. “He was asking for their numbers.”
How nice and charitable of Leonardo DiCatchAHo to let the child flirt with his future and ex-girlfriends. It's kind of like the time my when I was 6 and my alcoholic uncle let me have a sip of his Corona. Watching the Biebs try to hit on a model is probably like watching a chihuahua hump the leg of a Great Dane. Just a tragedy. Most of those models probably just pat him on the head and gave him a lollipop.
Here's the Biebs leaving The Lion King last night and some pictures of Barbara Palvin at the VS show.
No, Justin is not thinking to himself, "Why isn't my flower as sparkly as hers?"
Selena Gomez let Justin Bieber stay up waaaay past his bedtime last night so that he could yodel out a few songs at the Victoria's Secret fashion show in NYC. While dressed up like some kind toddler mental patient in the Tron universe, the Biebs got a front row lesson on the female anatomy as each modeled sashayed by him. Selena Gomez totally regretted signing that parental consent form. When the Biebs came home, he didn't stop asking her about all those funny-looking girl parts and yes, Selena bought that children's book about private parts, but she didn't think she'd have to pull it out for a few more years. Not only that, but it looks like the Biebs got so excited that he made a mess in his diaper pants. So Selena had to have the "vagina talk" and change the Biebs' diaper pants. Nobody said it easy raising a Bieby on your own.
Because Jerry Sandusky needs something to keep him company in his prison cell, the makers of the Sex in her Shitty and JHo love dolls are giving the world a Just-in Beaver blow-up doll. This December 26th, the sounds of the holiday season will be replaced by the sounds of water sloshing around in rubber rain boots when thousands of Beliebers lose their virginity to their Christmas gift. I'm just going to direct you toward the description for this work of fuckery, because it will make you dry heave from every more than I ever could. via ONTD
Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!
Just like the real thing, you need a bike pump to inflate its wang. No, I can't. You know what this mess should come with, besides maple syrup lube, a strap-on modeled after Usher's dick and Kleenex for wiping away the tears you'll shed after you realize you're fucking a Justin Bieber blow-up doll? It should come with a visit from a Chris Hansen. I know this blow-up doll is legal, but you should still end up in cable tie handcuffs for buying this shit. I blame Usher, because he's responsible for creating the real thing and he's responsible for creating this too (you know he is).
Us Americans should really be thankful to live in a country where a mentally insane motherfucker can go to any court and file the crazed ramblings they wrote on the stained bed sheets in their room at the mental hospital. USA! TMZ says that a man from Michigan, who says he's Selena Gomez's biological father, is suing Justin Bieber for all kind so fuckery including boning a baby into "his daughter" on his Canadian bear rug and stealing his AMEX to buy a bigger dick. It gets better. TMZ read the entire masterpiece of a lawsuit and pulled out these shards of glitter from it:
-"Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug."
- "Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."
- "[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones."
- "Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. "
Yes, it's impossible for Bieber to get a penis enlargement since he has a crotch like a Cabbage Patch Doll, but I'm still going to choose to believe all of this, because it's the only way. And I'm also going to file my own lawsuit against Usher for copyright infringement, because that's how I celebrate Fourth of July every year.
Chris Hansen and the entire To Catch A Predator crew was put on emergency standby a couple of days ago when Justin Bieber tweeted that his laptop was stolen from backstage at one of his shows and that he had some private stuff on there. By "private stuff," Justin Bieber could've meant that he had a very private video clip of Selena Gomez taking him shopping for sweat pants and crocheted tampon cozies after he got his first period, but most hos figured it was going to be a sex tape and who in the name of Canadian PedoBear wants to see that mess? (Usher, put your hand down, I'm not taking a count.)
Then some Twitter troll popped up yesterday and promised to leak all the footage he stole from The Lesbeaver's camera or laptop or whatever. Well, it turns out it was just a stunt to promote his new dumb ass video. Everybody who fell for this should slap themselves with a diaper full of maple syrup for falling for a prank by a toddler.
But you know, I'm not sure what makes my b-hole dry heave more: a Justin Bieber sex tape or the sight of him body rolling against Nicki Minaj? It's a damn shame that Nicki Minaj's walrus ass didn't mistake Justin Bieber for a worm and slurp him up whole.
Because babies can't hold their liquor, Justin Bieber vommed on stage at his show in Glendale, Arizona last night. Yes, even Canadian messiahs get the barfs, but what's really magical about this is that he somehow kept singing as he yacked the nastiness up. That's magic! Either some trickery (aka lip-synching) is going on or Bieber trained his b-hole to sing out of his songs when his mouth is unavailable. But back to the barfs, why did Bieber get them? Here's my three theories:
1. Bitch is knocked up. See, THIS is why you need Planned Parenthood, Arizona.
2. Justin Bieber is really a performance artist and he's giving an artistic interpretation of his songs.
3. A lady in the front row flashed her actual female breasts at him.
The answer is: NONE OF THE ABOVE. This is what Bieber blamed his puking on:
Uh huh, milk... Even Usher laughed at that backstage while pulling up his pants. But seriously, this is why Justin Bieber should've never cut off the golden mop of his dreams on his head. Because if he still had hair like that, one of his dancers could've just turned him upside down and used his mop head to clean that mess up.
Justin Bieber tweeted this picture of him playing with a gun on the set of Selena Gomez's new movie and I don't know what's more disturbing: The Lesbeaver trying to look like the hardest member of a toddler lesbian gang when he really looks the opposite of bad and you just want to grab that toy gun from his tiny hands, pat him on his floppy head and tell him to go to tell his mommy to change his Pamper because it's starting to stank. Or am I more disturbed by the demons of the Illuminati showing themselves in Selena's eyes? That's the look you see on a bold and dark-sided raccoon's face when you catch it going through your trash and it don't care. I think I'm equally disturbed by both. This picture shows us that it makes the demons happy when babies play with guns.
And Bieber kept the disturbing images trend going by tweeting this picture of his new kween crown tattoo.
Well, at least he got a Photoshop artiste to erase the naked Usher standing behind him.
And nothing grows under shade, which is the opposite of what The Lesbeaver thinks should be happening on Prince William's dome.
Justin Bieber is a come-to-life Beautiful Crissy doll and so he's lucky that he was born with a built-in knob that Selena Gomez turns every time he wants his luscious mane of golden unicorn tails to grow longer. But Justin doesn't understand why everyone wouldn't want a hairy helmet of brown rainbows on their head like his. While talking to something called Rollercoaster Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), the bunny shit-brained baby bimbo threw hate at Prince William's field of stray hairs and asked if they have Propecia in England.
"I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don't know why he doesn't just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?"
Justin is totally right. Prince William needs Propecia or Rogaine or whatever Lucy put on Ricky's head during that hair-growing episode. And when Prince William is done with it, he can give his leftovers to Justin, so Justin can splash some on his Barbie crotch and maybe grow a pube or two.
Here's Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate being royal dorks at an Olympic cycling event yesterday. I love that they're wearing ID badges and I'm guessing the only thing on their ID badges, besides a picture, are the words: "Bow down, bitch."
Canadian DListed readers, we're going to need you bitches to pipe in. Is this true? If you're a certain ethnicity, you don't have to pay at the pumps? Or am I even more challenged than I thought I was for wondering if this is accurate.
In his recent Rolling Stone interview (the one with the recycled Lohan header), the Little Lesbian That Could (Justin Bieber) told the reporter that he was an Eskimo (is that word allowed? I stopped using "tranny" so I get credit for that, right?) and that being a...native Canadian(? I'm lost when it comes to politically correct terms for Canada) entitled him to free Hess. Huh?
"I'm actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I'm enough per cent that in Canada I can get free gas, " Bieber said. Probably while texting. This sounds like something a dumb person would say while not paying attention because he's busy trying to find an emoticon that sums up "so jelly of those sneaks, girl".
A disgruntled roadie obviously told him this in jest because fucking with the star is funny and that leg of the tour was almost over. He also probably thinks he doesn't have to open his own mail because he's a Pieces.
If this IS true, we should implement this program in other places. Howabout letting us fag-o-trons skip paying for Astroglide? Adds up.
Check out pics of Justin and the pedophile Selena Gomez (are these two aging backwards?) visiting the Starship Childrens Hospital in Auckland, New Zealand. Shit, he was visiting sick kids. I'm officially a petty dickhead.
Note - remember when J. Harvey was a dumb motherfucker and forgot to re-size pics and shut down DListed? Good times. It was nice posting for you lovely people while it lasted. *sad face*