Justin Bieber

And here's another reason for why stage 4 Beliebers should be locked in their playpens and fed a steady stream of downers until they realize that they've been obsessively worshipping a glorified singing Kid Sister doll.

At his show in Dubai tonight, Justin Bieber was almost hugged to death by a crazy Belieber who crashed the stage and came at him. The Biebs' security immediately tackled the hugger, which caused the piano to fall over. No, Justin Bieber's security guards did not overreact, because if that insane hugger hugged the Biebs too hard, he would've exploded and Beanie Baby sand would've gone everywhere. It would've made the babies in the audience drown in their own tears. It would've been a bad scene.

And I take back what I said about the Beibs being a glorified singing Kid Sister doll. I mean, it's obvious that piano was made of cardboard and empty inside. So he's a musical genius for being able to play a fake piano that's made of cardboard!

via The National

Minutes after Selena Gomez electrocuted Justin Bieber with shock therapy nipple clamps (that's the only explanation for that hair), somebody (his publicist) took a picture of them getting gross and threw it up on Instagram. The Biebs added the note:

"You've been makin music for too long babe come cuddle" -her

HA. Makin' music? I don't see a Fisher-Price keyboard and a Playskool Rocktivity music table. You know he's either Skyping with Usher or playing a Bob the Builder game.

Of course, this STUNT QUEEN picture has made a million Beliebers stand on the rails of their cribs and threaten to jump. Here's just a few of the most priceless responses:

Help in having a panic attack maybe I should get my priorities straight this picture makes me sad

Selena your a fucking ugly whore and we all fucking hate you and your an asshole and hurt justin so bad and you were a sarcastic bitch I don't ducking know why you would take her back justin that was a stupid choice.

I thought u loved me but know i see u don't .i thought u were not gonna be back with her after all the bad things she said about you but I was wrong I don't want to be a #belieber anymore . And when u break up with her I promised my self that if u got back with her ill kill my self because I love u and I don't want to see u hurting again because of her . I know you might not see this because u are with her but I just want u to know I will always love u and ill protect u from #heaven I wish u the best bey . I killed my self for good

Puta selena justo publicas esto el dia que se cumplen 7 meses desde que avalanna murio

THIS IS AN OLD PIC. THERE'S NO TATTOO ON HIS BICEP. SO CONFUSED WHY WOULD HE POST AN OLD PICTURE

WHAT !? R USE DADTING AGAIN !? JELAAAAAA

And it goes on and on and on and on... I don't ducking know why Justin would do this, but I'm glad he did, because this is equal parts hilarious and sad (but it's not as sad as me spending my Friday night getting drunk and watching children meltdown on Instagram).

But you know, none of the Beliebers seemed to be concerned that in this picture Selena looks like she's about to drag Justin Bieber up to the attic to kill him.

I've always known that Wendy and Casper were going to freak on each other sooner or later...

The Swedish police taking his weed stash didn't get Justin Bieber down and before his concert in Stockholm today, he and a glasses-free Urkel leaned back and freak danced their way onto his tour bus.  I see Justin trying to make Usher jealous by leaning into that dude's crotch.

You can laugh all you want at those foolish onesies, but you know who's not laughing? Justin's au pair. That onesie makes it extra easy for her to change his diaper when he gets a violent case of the weed shits. And where is Justin's au pair anyway? She needs to stick a pacifier in his mouth, because sucking his thumb is going to give him buck teeth and then he's really going to look like a beaver.

I think we're all going to need some weed to process all of the foolery in this picture of Justin Bieber with his bodyguard. This child probably thinks that he looks like the next Michael Jackson when he really looks like an unused sex slave in Kunty Karl's S&M sex dungeon. Little asshole is putting the pussy in Pussy Riot. While I can appreciate the double zippers (easy access!) on his hot bodyguard's onesie, the shamed look on that grown dude's face is telling me that the millionaire child made him wear that pajama party uniform. I kind of want to make like Justin Bieber's fedora and fall back out of this whole scene. Moving on to other Bieber news....

TMZ says that at around 7pm in Stockholm, Sweden last night, police smelled the sweet scent of the good shit wafting out of Justin Bieber's tour bus, which was parked in front of the Grand Hotel. While they were getting a warrant to search the bus, the bus drove to the Globe Arena. When it got to the Globe Arena, the cops and a special narcotics unit searched the bus and found a small stash of drugs (the local newspapers are saying it was weed) and an unlicensed stun gun. Aftonbladet says that when the cops got on the bus, the Bieber's back-up dancers started screaming "No weed!" and "Shit, the stash!" 

The bus was empty at the time, so nobody will be charged and the stash was found on the floor, so it's impossible to say who brought it on.

Meanwhile, as that was going on, Justin Bieber tweeted, "i love lamp." I guess we now know that Justin Bieber's favorite movie to get stoned to is Anchorman.

Personally, I think that weed should be legalized everywhere and I should be able to pick up a baggie at the checkout counter at Target. But I wouldn't open my lips to protest if Sweden wants to temporarily pass a law that states that if weed is found on the tour bus of a yodeling Canadian fetus, that yodeling Canadian fetus must immediately be jailed for the rest of his life! Thanks to his "Channel" ski mask, the Biebs would be the most fashionable prison bitch on the cell block.

(Pic via Vulture)

I don't know who's going to need more therapy: me for looking at a picture of a monkey humping a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad or that monkey when he realizes that he once humped a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad. Definitely the monkey. Spending that much time with Justin Bieber really messes you up and leads you to some dark, scary places. You can see the trauma in the poor monkey's eyes.

Last month, Justin Bieber's dumb ass brought his living and breathing toy, Mally the monkey, into Germany without the proper documents. Officials put Mally into quarantine and told Justin that they wouldn't release his monkey unless he gave them the right papers. Justin shrugged, crawled out of Germany without Mally and told authorities he'd be back. The Biebs lied. HuffPo UK says that Justin's people have told German authorities that he's not coming back for Mally so they should just find the monkey a home. Karl Heinz Joachim, the head of the center where Mally is staying, said:

"There are a great many suitable places that have offered to take Mally and integrate him with their own capuchin monkeys where he would be much more happy with his own kind.

A baby monkey was never going to be suited to be on a world tour even if he is travelling by private jet. He should be out in the wild climbing trees and learning from other monkeys if he isn’t to have serious psychological problems later in life.”

Serious psychological problems LATER in life? Has Mr. Joachim seen the picture above? Poor Mally is suffering from serious psychological problems NOW. But this is the best thing for Mally. If Justin raised Mally, that monkey would develop a serious coke addition to deal with having Justin Bieber as a mommy and then he'd eventually have to share a room with Lindsay Lohan in rehab. That ain't the life.

And we should probably consider putting Justin Bieber into quarantine before somebody makes the mistake of spilling water on him and he multiplies into a dozen spoiled brats who abandon their pet monkeys in Germany.

After Justin Bieber reunited with the Portia to his Ellen, Selena Gomez in Norway, he Instagrammed this picture of him wearing the official Hood Rat Stuff uniform. Harmony Korine is punching himself in the taint right about now, because looking at this picture made him realize that he should've cast Justin Bieber as one of the masked bikini babe beauties in Spring Breakers. That coy side-eye, those parted lips... Hold all of Usher's calls, because he is taking the rest of the day off.

P.S. - Justin spelled "Chanel" wrong in his Instagram caption. Bitch spelled it "Channel." I bet if you complimented him on his top, he'd say, "Thanks! I bought it at Ver-sayce!"

via WOW Report

Every university's holocaust studies class can stop arguing the question "Anne Frank a Belieber: yay or oy vay?" because her stepsister has finally spoken. The Telegraph asked Anne's childhood friend and stepsister Eva Schloss what she thinks about the Biebs leaving the comment "Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber" in the guest book of the Anne Frank Museum. Eva said this:

“It’s so childish. She probably would have been a fan. Why not? He’s a young man and she was a young girl, and she liked film stars and music. They make a lot of fuss about everything that is connected with Anne Frank.”

One of two things is happening here:

1. Eva is not about to throw herself against the slobbery wrath of the crazed Beliebers and she doesn't want to be woken up at night by those crazy babies calling her to threateningly goo goo ga ga at her over the phone. So she played it safe and stayed on the good side of the Beliebers.

2. Eva is defending the yodeling fetus, because she's the one who's a Belieber. Anne Frank totally would've been a Directioner, so she and Eva would've hated each other.

And I guess this means that the words "...would have been a Belieber" will be chiseled into Anne Frank's gravestone now.

If a Tumblr called Fetuses with iPhones existed, these pictures would be its crown jewels. Anne Frank's homeboy Justin Bieber slapped at the haters who are constantly yelling at him to put on a shirt (see: Olivia Wilde) by posting a couple of shirtless selfies on Instagram with a couple of eye roll-inducing captions:

Breaking news @justinbieber posts two shirtless pics in a day could he be anymore full of himself -silly people

Breaking news worldwide @justinbieber just posted 2 shirtless pictures he must be going crazy’ -funny people #forthefansanyways #dontbecreepin :p

There are so many things Justin Bieber should be doing besides taking pictures of his fetus abs and his chewed-up bubble gum belly button. The Biebs needs to pull up his pants (I mean, he IS a big kid now) and he needs to work on his smolder. He wants to look all mysterious and sexy in a butch way, but instead he looks sad and disappointed. Like he just failed potty training again after making a poopy in his Pampers. Work on your smolder, Biebs.

If he really wanted to do something for the Beliebers, he'd get Anne Frank's bio tattooed on his chest, take a picture of that and upload it to Instagram, because some of those children don't even know who she is. I mean....

In "fuckery you just can't make up" news, Justin Bieber and some of his friends visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam last night and not only did the shit-brained fetus keep his sunglasses on in the museum (picture above), but he also vomited up pieces of his ego all over the museum's guestbook. After learning that Anne Frank hid in the attic for two years and was eventually captured by the Nazis and died in a concentration camp, the only question the Biebs asked was, "I wonder if she would've been a Belieber?" Out of everything, that's what he got out of the Anne Frank Museum. I just.... I don't.... I mean... I CAN'T!

The Anne Frank Museum Facebook page posted a transcription of what Justin Bieber wrote and it's the reason why humanity cries today:

Yesterday night Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House, together with his friends and guards. Fans were waiting outside to see a glimpse of him. He stayed more than an hour in the museum. In our guestbook he wrote: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Tonight Bieber will give a concert in Arnhem in the Netherlands.

Please, everybody knows that Anne Frank would've been a One Direction fan.

Another sad part of this is that the Beliebers probably don't even know who Anne Frank is and they're going to start sending her death threats on Twitter, because he gave her a shout out instead of them.

And Justin Bieber accomplished the impossible by managing to out-Bieber himself.

via CNN

Because all the hot female pop stars are doing it (see: Miley, Brit Brit, RiRi, Robyn, etc...), the hottest female pop star of them all sashayed down to the child's beauty salon and took a pair of clippers to the side of his head. While posing with Beliebers backstage after a show in Germany on Saturday night, Justin Bieber showed off his new emo guinea pig haircut. Yes, the Biebs is serving up some hipster indie rocker lesbian tease and he if he doesn't listen to Tegan and Sara all the time, then he's doing a disservice to that haircut.

It also kind of looks like the top of his head is barfing out Donald Trump's comb over and sometimes it looks like a deflated Flock of Seagulls. But the Biebs should just stop postponing the inevitable and cut ridges into the side of his hair so he can go full 1990s Vanilla Ice already. It's his destiny.