Here's the red-band (aka NSFW) trailer for Bad Teacher, which stars A-Rod's part-time roid pimple pincher as a gold digging, weed smoking high school teacher who is trying to win a bonus so that she can buy titty bags and win the heart of a rich substitute played by Justin Timberlake.
Yeah, I know you liked this better when it starred Jack Black and was called School of Rock, but is it wrong that I'd probably sneak into this after buying a ticket for a more respectable movie like Mr. Popper's Penguins? The trailer promises a cornucopia of fucks, limited amounts of Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel's ball sack, child abuse and Cameron Diaz doing what she does best: puffin' that good shit pipe. It can't go wrong (but it probably will anyway)!
This week, the department of Passing the Peen brings you a cover story from UsWeekly about how Justin Timberlake's dick cried a river of man chowder all over Olivia Munn while Jessica Biel was thousands of miles away. Now, the name Olivia Munn doesn't pull anything out of me, so for those of you who know her better, check all the boxes that apply:  skank  bore  dumb  trash  other, describe here ____________
A source that Justin and Olivia, who does shit on The Daily Show, first met at a MySpace event last month in the back of Avenue in NYC. They both decided that they wanted to sniff each other's parts later on so they exchanged phone numbers. Olivia must not be a whore to the core, because the source says she was wary about humping on another chick's piece. But Justin had that one figured out and lied to Olivia when he told her that he was no longer with Jessica. That's all Olivia needed to hear, because they got it on the next two nights at The Gansevoort Park Avenue Hotel. The source says they were "openly affectionate" at the hotel and later had "amazing" sex.
Okay, I was right there strolling next to the source until they said Justin and Olivia had "amazing" sex. How do they know this? Did the source have a deep Skype conversation afterwards with Olivia's pussy? Did they get a written statement for her exhausted clit? Did they talk to Justin's prostate (because you know he keeps a finger condom in his pocket for a little poking)?
And for some reason, I don't think Jessica Biel will care much. When she heard about this, she probably lifted her face from the ass she was nuzzling and barely let out a "meh".
According to UsWeekly, Justin Timberlake is maliciously torturing his girlfriend Jessica Biel by flirting with his ex Cameron Diaz on the set of their movie Bad Teacher. And according to me, UsWeekly is maliciously torturing us by using a picture of Cameron Diaz on their cover looking like she's about to send a dark cloud of locusts after us before retreating into a bottomless pit. But this post is not about that. So just step into a circle of sea salt, and let's move on...
Several sources tell UsWeekly that Justin Timberlake knows by working with his ex-piece on a movie, he has cut a wound into Jessica Biel's heart. And apparently, he keeps pissing on that wound by tickling the pepperonis on Cameron's face. One source said, "He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point. The truth is, I don't know if they can survive this. There's lots of laughing, making fun of each other, kidding around off camera. Cameron's sassy with him -- and slick, prancing around in tight clothes."
A different source said that Justin doesn't "respect" Jessica anymore, and even makes fun of her ass with his friends when she's not around.
Why does this sound like some shit we'd hear in the quad during morning break while painting each other's nails with Wite-Out and colored markers? Or if you were that kind of bitch, while sniffing Wite-Out and colored makers.
Jessica is built like Groundskeeper Willie, so if Justin really hurt her feelings, she should just activate her Hulk rage and punch square him in the chocha. It wouldn't solve anything, but at least she could say she punched Justin in the chocha.
And yes, I'm still holding a crucifix up to that picture of Cameron Diaz while typing with one hand.
There's been many a rumor going around that Jessica Biel is no longer taking a strap-on to Justin Timberlake's succulent nalgas. They have denied the rumors and continue to be photographed walking arm-in-arm like they are still seeing hearts in their eyes. Some source tells Fox411 that Justin and Jessica are together, but only on a part-time basis. Basically, they are fuck time friends.
The source added, "Justin was very clear with Jessica that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship with her anymore where he wasn't able to date other people. Jessica took the news very hard, but once she calmed down and they started talking again, he convinced her to stay friends who hook up, without all the pressure of a relationship. At first she was very reluctant, but she missed him a lot and so she decided to give it a try even though it wasn't exactly how she wanted things to be. She's still in love with him, and they are still attracted to each other, so it would have been difficult for them to quit each other cold turkey."
If I was Jessica's confidante/roid-supplier, I'd tell her ass to take her silicone dick elsewhere. Pack that shit up and find a new hole to bone. I mean, Justin demoted her from full-time to part-time lover. It's just a matter of time before he finds a different ho that can make him squeal like...well...like Justin Timberlake hitting falsetto.
Besides, Jessica has already munched on that ass, so it's time to find a different flavor.
And below is Justin on the set of the Facebook movie today. Justin is playing Sean Parker. I didn't know Sean Parker got his clothes from a guido's dirty laundry basket.
YOGI BEAR: The Movie is happening. Even worse, they have cast Justin Timberlake as everyone's favorite bottom bitch Boo Boo. Douchier than the average bear.
The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that the Yogi movie will be part CGI, part live-action and full stupid. In addition to Justin voicing Boo Boo, Dan Akroyd will be the voice of Yogi and Anna Faris will play a documentary filmmaker. They will start shooting this wreck in New Zealand next month.
You know, I've always believed that Boo Boo regularly showed Yogi his "dick in a picanic basket," so I can kind of see where the producers were going, but it still isn't right. You know what else isn't right? The fact that I didn't know the real Yellowstone Park wasn't called Jellystone Park until I was in my late teens.
Justin Timberlake should stop accepting rides in Chris Brown's Lamborghini, and Alien Princess RiRi should keep Betty Ross at her side at all times, because She-Hulk Biel and Ike Turner II won't be happy when they see Star Magazine's cover.
According to Star, Justin started scooting his ass lips on RiRi's infintiyhead of wonder at an after-party for the VMAs a couple of weeks ago. RiRi must not have minded that Justin sounds like Minnie Mouse screaming when he orgasms, because they have been texting and talking ever since. But before RiRi takes Justin to her home planet, she wants to make sure that his gay relationship with Jessica Biel is over. A source said, “She asked him on the phone, ‘Are you still with Jessica?’ And he hinted that things were cooling off between them.”
The source went on to say that Jessica found out that Justin and RiRi bumped taints and is "a wreck" because of it.
You know, it might be the apple I just ate (healthy food fucks me up) talking, but I actually think RiRi and Justin make a hot couple. They kind of make sense to me.
And Jessica Biel really deserves better. She deserves a man who won't scream like a toddler when she accidentally breaks his boner during a handjob. Or won't cry a million tears when she beats his no-no with her 9-incher. Seriously, Jessica, get yourself a real bitch who can take it! When Khloe Kardashian's fake marriage blows up, Jessica should definitely give her a ring.
Yesterday in Los Angeles, Justin Timberlake and a pap, we'll call Adam Sandler, fell madly in love with each other outside of a hotel. Okay, they apparently got into some kind of tiff, but you can't deny the chemistry between these two. Their peen holes are totally serenading each other while their nutsacks snap. It's just like the scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria meet at the dance.
Justin kept his sunglasses on, because he knew that if his bare eyeballs made contact with Adam Sandler's bare eyeballs, he'd grab his hand, skip off into the sunset and they'd spend the rest of their days giving each other saliva baths.
You know, I kind of feel bad for the hot piece with the stache. Dude obviously wants to party too, but they don't even know he exists. Sorry, but even a sexy dude with a pussy strip on his upper lip can't get between two tampons in love.
Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."
Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!
I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.
And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!
Justin Timberlake should really just become a full-time ho on SNL, because that's the only time I can stand his annoying ass. That is his calling right there. Last night, JT hosted and presented the sequel to Dick In A Box called Mother Lover. This song can also be called Shia's Anthem.
And this time, Justin and Andy Samberg brought Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson with them. That's what did it for me. Patricia caressing herself with a daisy? I can't.
Happy Muthah's Day. Let's NOT celebrate by fucking each other's mother's. Maybe next year.
Click here if you can't see that shit above.
If you're going to Vadge's "Dry & Sour" show in Los Angeles tomorrow night, make sure you bring some kind of video recording device with you. If they're checking for that shit at the door, smuggle it in your asshole. I know you have room.
You see, Ryan Gaycrest called into KIIS-FM and said he has it on good authority that Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake will reunite on stage at Vadge's show Thursday night. It's a piping hot bowl of Cheeto, roid, douche and ego stew!
The three of them are supposed to do some kind of performance. I'm picturing a lot of crotch bumping and chest thumping. It's going to look like two pit bulls stuck together (Vadge & Justin) while a clueless little possum just stands and there shrugs. And please tell me they are going to lip-synch. Those three singing live together will create the biggest ear massacre in history.