Justin Timberlake has dated a mega stoner who probably shits shake (see: Cameron Diaz) and has hinted in the past about how he's struck down with bong love, but now he's officially coming out of the hot boxin' closet as a proud stoner.
Justin confessed to Playboy Magazine that he allows the long tube of green smoke to fuck his throat gently, because it's his way of escaping his brain for a minute. Here's Justin on weed, internet gossip and the work of denim art he wore to the American Music Awards.
On if the internet is ever right about who he's giving his dick in a box to: “None of it’s true, so I shouldn’t even dignify it with an answer. The thing is, I’m not going to sacrifice my friendships with people who are my co-stars I meet in the business. I’m not going to avoid spending time with people because someone who doesn’t know me makes assumptions about what’s going on. That’s bullshit…My life is not on the internet.”
On why he keeps shit in the Hollywood family by only fucking on celebrities: “You probably gravitate toward people who understand your scenario. At the end of the day you just want someone who gets you, who can be a friend. That’s kind of the point of Friends with Benefits. As corny as it sounds, the ‘friends’ part counts just as much as the ‘benefits’ part, if not more.”
On if he was whoring it up during his N'Sync days: “I hate to disappoint you, but I was the youngest one in the group, so the other guys were getting more of that [girl] action, and they were protective of me…But yeah, the girl stuff definitely was a heavy part of it, and it would play with your mind. I remember looking down once – we were playing Madison Square Garden for an HBO special – and this girl put her arm out. She had a mural of me tattooed along her whole arm. I just remember looking at it and thinking, Holy sh*t, that’s never going to come off.”
On the denim suit that should earn him and Brit Brit a place in The Museum of YES: “God, I feel I’ve gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with ‘N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits [to the 2001 American Music Awards]. Yeah, another bad choice. I’d probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet.”
On smoking pot: “Absolutely [I’m a pot smoker]…The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”
Justin isn't telling lies about the "some people are just better high" part. Some people are just better high and the people who aren't (aka the paranoids and nacho-hoarders), are better as seen through high eyes. And now you know that you're not the only one who tokes up to forget about Justin Timberlake, so does Justin Timberlake!
Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.
Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!
In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.
When I said a silent prayer asking for two child stars of yore to join together in the name of love (and a blurb in UsWeekly), I was thinking more along the lines of Harriet from Small Wonder and Heather from Mr. Belvedere. But sadly, that's not what we were given. We were given Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen instead. I mean, if you're going to pair someone from Full House and someone from The Mickey Mouse Club, why couldn't it have been Kimmy Gibler and T.J.?
Despite the denials from Justin's rep, a source tells UsWeekly that he's definitely hooking up with Tangina's true biological daughter. They apparently spent time together at two Broadway shows, a restaurant and a hotel in NYC. Because Ashley barely broke up with Justin Bartha and Justin Timberlake split from Jessica Biel, the source says they are trying to keep shit on the down low.
This is a pairing as bizarre as cayenne pepper lube. I just cannot picture Ashely Olsen cooing the word "pruuuuuuuune" into Justin's no-no in the middle of the night. And my thoughts are powered by the top users at Consumption Junction, so I can usually picture some screwed up shit. Justin has to be dating Ashley Olsen as some sort of dare or challenge. Justin wants to make everybody laugh and laughing in a happy tone is against Ashley's beliefs. This is either going to end with Ashley owning Justin's soul, or Justin winning the right to cross any bridge at any time.
Justin Timberlake on SNL is figuratively easier to swallow than Justin Timberlake NOT on SNL so I found him pretty entertaining last night. The slight shade thrown at Chris Kirkpatrick? The Liquorville sketch (which was a win for me since it starred giant bottles of booze)? That shit worked for me. And then Justin and Andy Samberg brought out their Color Me Vanilli characters to have a threesome with Lady Caca in the Digital Short.
They kept cooing out some shit like "It's not gay, if it's in a three-way," but I holehardonly disagree. I've been in some three-ways that were pretty damn gay. (FYI: I'm talking about the time my friends J.R., Scott and I played pastel Twister while getting drunk on Strawberry Hill daiquiris and listening to the Romy & Michele soundtrack. Okay, mom!)
In this shit, Caca sort of looks like a young Grandma Addams in a late night commercial for a 1980s singles chat line, so obviously I feel like this is her hottest look yet and she should definitely keep it. But she didn't and she won't. For her performance of Born This Way, bitch was back to her old HIGH-ART tricks. Caca strapped a Hefty bag ball to her body before breaking glitter all over an S&M delivery table. This is pretty much shot-for-shot what it looked like when John Travolta birthed out Baby Benjamin.
And here's Skunkdonna waving to her fans at the SNL after-party.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are trying to put a spotlight on the child sex slave trade by putting out a series of viral videos starring their friends: Justin Timberlake (above), Sean Penn, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Eva Longoria, Jessica Biel, Donald Trump, the Old Spice Guy and a million more. I am obviously not their target audience, because all of these videos left me in the same state of awkward confusion Bruce Willis suffers through whenever Ashton and Demi suck on each other's tongues in front of him at the Thanksgiving table. Daryl Hannah did it right when she went undercover into the horrific world of prostitots overseas and put out a documentary about it. But Ashton and Demi basically just released several B-Sides of the Old Spice commercials. Just fucking weird.
First of all, Donald Trump must be saying "SIKE" with his eyes in his picture, because that charbroiled toad buys a new wife model every few years (no offense to the forever gorgeous Melania Trump). Second of all, everything you need to know about this is in the address for Demi and Ashton's anti-child sex slave foundation: demiandashton.org. EXACTLY.
Olivia Wilde tried to bury the rumor that she's humping on Justin Timberlake by Tweeting the above mess yesterday afternoon. Olivia referred to those who are sniffing on her business as "honeybadgers." Excuse you, bitch? Olivia needs read up on the crazy nasty honeybadger, because honeybadger don't give a fuck that she's not licking on that curly haired one from the Mickey Mouse Club!
Dear Olivia, guess how many fucks the honeybadger gives about the fact that your name is Olivia? ZERO! Dear Olivia, guess the phrase that would come out of the honeybadger's mouth if you told him bitches were saying that you're touching tongues with the screecher from N'Sync? No phrase would come out of the honeybadger's mouth, because honeybadger don't give a shit!
Olivia needs to take time out from not fucking on Justin Timberlake to watch this educational video narrated by esteemed zoologist Randall (whose last name is Fellows).
Educate yourself on the badass, not-fuck-giving honeybadger, Olivia!
A story about Justin Timberlake going on a date with 2011's Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, could put a speed addicted insomniac into a coma, so focus on the photo bomber of my dreams Hugh Laurie when your nose starts to make a beeline for your keyboard. Let's Hugh Laurie's "Why am I the meat in this soggy sandwich?" face perk you up.
So Olivia Wilde's divorce to that Italian prince dude isn't yet final, but that hasn't stopped her from getting on her Now costar Justin Timberlake (focusonhughlauriefocusonhughlaurie). People says that Jessica Biel's impeccable strap-on game was the last thing on Justin's mind at The Roxbury in Hollywood on Saturday night. A source says that Justin and Olivia showed up together in matching white t-shirts and jeans. They both drank vodka and "canoodled" in the VIP area. A different source tells UsWeekly that they were obviously on a date and Justin pretty much kept his hands on Olivia all night.
The rumor is that Olivia ended her marriage, because she was bored of tasting the same ole' Italian peen all time and wanted to sew her wild oats with the pubes of a dozen one-night stands. Basically, Olivia wants to be a certified slut since she never got the chance. Since then she's been linked to Ryan Gosling and now Justin Timberlake. Olivia just has to reverse her chocha into Gerard Butler, slam the gas into Jude Law and she'll be right on schedule! Just follow the Sienna Miller map, Olivia, and you'll be well on your way.
Meanwhile, you probably haven't read one word of this shit, because you haven't taken your eyes off of Hugh Laurie. You made the right decision.
UsWeekly wants us to believe that Justin Timberlake is flashing a fraudulent smile to hide the internal pain he feels from being forced to touch the hard and stubborn pimple on his life. Justin and Jessica Biel (or "Jessica Beeeeeeehl" as Sookeh says it) announced the end of their 4-year-old relationship last week, and the good ole "we wanted different things" excuse was thrown around at the time. However, a source tells UsWeekly that Justin is the one who sealed his dick in a box and pried Jessica off his crotch for good.
The source is saying that Justin has been trying to dump the ho for 2 years. When Justin finally gave Jessica her walking papers, she responded with the same look of shock his doctor gives when he screeches during a prostate exam. The source put it like this:
"Justin had been aggressively trying to end things. He hasn't been happy with Jessica for close to two years. You'd be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one. Justin said he was miserable."
"He just said he didn't want to marry her and it didn't feel right. It just stung her in the heart."
And the source went on to say that Justin never told Jessica that he down low dicked a few side tricks during their relationship.
I'll admit that when I have the feeling that I'm about to get dumped, I become as clingy as Reba on Lori. But I finally get the hint when a court processor server presents me with a restraining order. Dumping a clingy bitch is not hard! After the court processor visits them, all you have to do is stage your death, voluntarily admit yourself into the Witness Protection Program, get a scientist to change the natural pheromone scent in your crotch and never ever use the phone or Internet again.
I really refuse to believe any of this. I bet Jessica is the one who did the dumping, because it must get exhausting trying not to punch that face every time it smiles.
There they are! As soon as Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel announced that their bond of love has been cut with the razor sharp falsetto notes shooting out of his mouth, I just knew it was only a matter of time before that Mila Kunis talk got a bigger spot on the stage. The rumor going around is that Mila washed the Macaulay Culkin off of her with Justin's saliva, but E! News says that they are only flirting with each other after working together on that Friends with Benefits mess. In this day and age, you can't flirt without bodily fluids so a big "UH HUH" to this shit.
A source type who knows Mila says they are keeping things friendly, "Justin is very interested in Mila. They've been flirting, but so far nothing has happened."
Reps for both Mila and Justin had nothing to say about this.
A different source tells People that Justin and Jessica stopped licking each other butts, because they simply grew apart. It had nothing to do with Mila or anybody else. Cut to the source: "There really wasn't a final straw. They're just two people who realized they wanted different things in life and were headed in different directions."
Yeah, he was headed for more famous poon pastures and she was headed for the weight room, because...well..she works out a lot and is usually heading for the weight room.
If "flirting" leads to Mila and Justin posing in staged photo-ops that end up in the corner of a Star Magazine cover, then I don't know what to do with her! Going from Kevin McCallister to a second-tier Mickey Mouse Club member?! Child star downgrade. Will somebody please point Mila in the right direction by texting her Chunk's number.
As you ice your fist after punching this truly punchable portrait of Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has hiked up her parts and hit the ho stroll because the bitch is single. UsWeekly has confirmed that Jessica Biel has returned Justin Timberlake's dick in a box for a final time. This is the opposite of surprising for two reasons: a) Justin Timberlake probably screeches like a hyena on helium singing in falsetto when he cums and a bitch can only take so much of that. b) Justin Timberlake is most likely getting in Mila's Kunis. Anyway, here's the joint statement that Jessica and Justin released together:
"Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."
Hopefully, this means that Justin Timberlake will slip on his Canadian tuxedo and woo Brit Brit Spears back. They're love is written in the stars on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. And I really hope that the Jessica Biel "lesbian" rumors go to the next level. Seriously, Jessica Biel and Michelle Rodriguez desperately need to get together in a totally non-lesbian way since they are both non-lesbians. They'd scissor until their pussy bones popped out of their sockets. Yup, MRod so needs to be Jessica's rebound.