Spreading The Glitter

The Learning Channel outdid themselves last night when they showed us every angle of every sparkle in the crown diamond on top of western civilization's crown. I was all ready to feel my soul slip out of my asshole while watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but a strange thing happened, I loved every messy second of it from the family constantly talking about farting to the family saving money by buying ole' stale baked goods at a food auction so they can afford to spend thousands of dollars on Honey Boo Boo Chile's tacky ass pageant crap. The whole show was like if a bunch of juggalos put on a play called Anna Nicole Smith: The Early Years. This is WHY we have nice things, Amurica!

6-year-old beauty queen Honey Boo Boo Chile is supposed to be the superstar of the show, but the real star of the show, besides Glitzy the gay pig, is Mama June and her hundreds of chins that look like Jabba the Hutt's foreskin. 32-year-old Mama June is married (I think) to 40-year-old Sugar Bear and together they have 4 daughters: Honey Boo Boo, 12-year-old Pumpkin, 15-year-old Chubbs and 17-year-old Chickadee who is knocked up. I'll wait here as you turn inside out from grossness after figuring out that Mama June and Sugar Bear made Chickadee when she was 15 and he was 23.

There are so many eloquent quotes from last night's 2 episode premiere that I just want to put on microfiche and get surgically embedded into my heart, but here's just a few that I'm hoping will be put into a book of poetry so our grandchildren's grandchildren can study it and write 10,000 word essays about it in college. This is how I like my poetry.

"You have to take pride in how you look. Granted, I ain't the most beautimous out the box, but a little paint on this barn, shine it back to its original condition. Cause it shines up like it's brand new." - Mama June 

"There are some broke down people out there. Please, women, that are of voluptuous size, put some clothes on. All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous. You don't see my shit hanging all out. My damn three bellies. There's girls bigger than me and they've got them bikinis on that literally they eatin' the bikini. Their body is just eatin' it like SLURP!" - Mama June

"If a person farts 12 to 15 times a day then they're healthy, so I guess my girls are healthy in that respect." - Mama June

"There's a lot of people that are bigger than me. They got five hundred chins. I only got about two or three, but I embrace it." - Mama June

"That's a girl name, Glitzy. We're going to make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay. Yes, it is gay, because we're making it a girl pig and it's a boy pig." - Honey Boo Boo Chile

"It's called a 'biscuit' cause it looks like a biscuit. Ya know, when it opens up and um.... You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit and if it's cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee's or something, you can..." - Mama June

And if you pull up to a Hardee's every morning before work to order a biscuit, think of Mama June's "biscuit" when you bite into that.

Organic beauty collided with natural glamour at the Rockit Masquerade Ball at XL in NYC last night when the world's first supermess Janice Dickinson touched her collagen-filled labia lips next to fully functional mannequin goddess Amanda Lepore. Janice Dickinson is this generation's Jane Russell and Amanda Lepore is this generation's Marilyn Monroe (sorry, LiLo) and so if you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes through a crystal, these pictures are what you'll see. Or is if it you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes while high on crystal, these pictures are what you'll see? I get confused.

The heat from the lights threatened to turn Janice and Mandy into one giant puddle of melted beef jerky, silicone, liquified porcelain, red rubber and candle wax, but they kept thrusting because the show must always go on.

If you want to know what a Jell-O mold looks like in heaven, get on this NSFWBWAYWAAPTFUGBLT (Not Safe For Work But Why Are You Working At A Place That Frowns Upon Glorious Beauty Like This) link to see Mandy's exquisitely sculpted chest domes.

Not since the great Hobbit dance-off that rocked Middle-earth have you ever seen tiny legs kick out scorching hot moves like this. At the Palm Springs wedding of the son of Oracle's CEO Larry Ellison, a not knowing dude made the wrong decision of challenging Scientology's flyest fly girl (sorry, John Travolta) to a dance war that looked like the Lollipop Guild's remake of You Got Served. Make it rain gumdrops on Tommy Girl, because he obviously wrapped up this battle by dropping his midget crotch like the dance floor was covered with man anuses. And Tommy dropped and butt fucked the floor something special while wearing high heels AND lifts. No contest.

When Tommy accepts his trophy for winning this mess by a landslide, he better thank his personal choreographer and smooth move mentor Little Superstar:

via TMZ

Meet Marc Martel, a Canadian singer who is causing the Internet to declare today the new Easter since Freddie Mercury has obviously resurrected and is now living inside of Marc's body. Marc sang out "Somebody to Love" in his video audition for the chance to sing in Queen's 40th anniversary tour. I refuse to dramatically hurl myself onto that bandwagon until Marc brings more stache, bulge, overbite, bulge and bulge to his performance. And this also needs less microphone that I thought was a blow dryer. And more bulge.

via Towleroad

It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube on the balcony of his Miami hotel. Let me correct myself. It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube that's not attached to a Dominican hustler. Much better. The air in Miami got even stickier yesterday when Tommy Girl busted out his Rock of Ages moves. Bitch became Lita Ford, then Debbie Harry, then Cher, then Madonna, then Pat Benatar in the blink of an eye! Dude's glitter hole was puckering so hard over these hot moves that if he backed up into the sliding glass door, he would've stuck to it.

You can't tell from these pictures, but a group of girls gathered below Tommy's balcony, took off their panties and threw them at him. Not because they want him to have their panties. But because we all know that the quickest way for Tommy to scatter and screech off a balcony is to throw girl panties at him. It works every time.

Later, Tommy G cooled his nipples by dipping into the pool while wearing the douche equivalent of a bathing cap. Oh, that Tommy. Always coming up with new ways to entertain us by acting like a complete ass.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is already some bizarre kind of shit that is best served with a tab of cranberry-flavored acid, but Ye Gay Fish took it to a whole new dimension when he floated out looking like the costume closets of Xanadu, Staying Alive and Solid Gold simultaneously blew a messy messy load all over his body. If Pocahontas was the leader of a club gang called the Disco Balls who stun their rivals with twirl-bys and glitter bombs, she'd dress like this mess.

And didn't Carrie Bradshaw already wear this exact same outfit in the last SATC movie?! I'm going to blame NBC for setting Ye up yet again!

New Kids on the Backstreet Boys sounds like the name of a gay parody porn from 1999 that I would've spent 197 hours trying to download off of Napster thanks to my dial-up internet connection always getting interrupted by stupid ass phone calls! So last night was the American Music Awards and I still can't believe I watched the whole thing in its entirety. It felt like I was the only sober bitch at a rave circa 2000.

Enrique Iglesias tried to stroke out my endorphins with a glow stick light show, but it did nothing for me. The Black Eyed Peas (who make me want to give myself a damn black eye) tried to take my hand and lead me to the speaker so that I could put my ear to it and feel the bass hump my senses, but I left them hanging. And EVERYONE tried to get me to skip under a confetti money shot, but I couldn't even bother to get up. And seriously, what the hell was up with those confetti canons?! Is it necessary to bust out a confetti canon AFTER EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE?! A confetti canon is like a hard dick, after popping out its 10th load of the night on top your head, you start to think yourself, "When is it going to stop, because I really need to go and watch the Pawn Stars marathon." The only time I felt that the confetti canon CAME WITH FEELING was during the best performance of the night: NKOTBSB! And that's the only time I dropped E and started to feel the roll.

Seriously, when that line-up of hot old bitches grabbed at their crotches at the same time, every 30-something's panties blew off. Yup, that's why your panties ripped themselves off last night. And there you were thinking that your daily kegel exercises simply made your queefs stronger. Nope, it was the all-mighty simultaneous thrust of NKOTBSB! Staple your panties down to your desk and relive it all over again!

The stage at the BET Awards was set on fire last night with pieces of charbroiled glitter when the legendary Antoine Dodson took to the stage looking like if Mushu from Mulan joined a TLC cover group as Chilli. Antoine slid and bounced to the song that has moved his family out of the projects while the audience licked that shit up. Even though Antoine was dressed like The Limited's answer to Willow Smith, every strand on his head was as silky and smooth as the taint on a satin teddy bear. Seriously, when Antoine flips the waterfall to heaven on his head, a bed intruder gets castrated on a falling window.

Oh, and you can stop watching after the 0:30 second mark. Go dip your hair in a bowl of Skin-So-Soft instead, so you too can have a head full of raw cashmere like Antoine.

And why hasn't Antoine teamed up with the "Backin Up" Lady for an international world tour yet? Run and tell that. No, seriously, run and tell him that because it needs to happen.

via Necole Bitchie

Apparently, Miss Philippines was one of the favorites to take home the crown (made from Donald Trump's taint dingles) at last night's Miss Universe pageant, but then she pretty much fucked her chances in the ass during the Q&A part of the competition.

Mister Chyna Phillips himself Billy Baldwin asked Maria Venus Raj (FYI: That's a really hot name) what one of her biggest mistakes in life was and how she fixed it. If Billy asked her that question again today, she'd probably say that the biggest mistake in her life is the answer she gave last night. Because last night, Maria Venus said that she's never had any major problems and then she babbled on like me in front of a McDonald's menu at 3am.

To be fair, if I was standing up there with my hair so tight that it was making my nipples sore (I don't know what that means either!) and enough make-up on my face to cover a Kardashian for a week, I'd probably give some shit answer to. It also doesn't help when Billy Baldwin is staring at you like you're doing yourself in the bath tub while a UB40 song plays in the background.

AND how was Maria Venus supposed to hear anything when the screech of a thousand gays from her home country filled her ear holes with glitter and made her nerves tingle! This is what I'm talking about (skip to the 2:25 mark):

DAMN! Now I finally know what the inside of my head looks like whenever I see a peen in the flesh instead of on a computer screen. Give us all a Q-tip!

via Boy Culture

Shawn Chapman Holley ran out of different kinds of "bitch please" faces to make behind Lindsay Lohan's back, so she slipped a letter of resignation letter (which looked like this) under her door and never looked back. So LiLo traveled to the enchanted world of mythical wonderments to ask a Liberace centaur to fart a bubble out. When that bubble danced through the air, LiLo popped it and out dropped this gorgeous embodiment of all things magical! This is Stuart V. Goldberg (more like Stuart Very Orangeberg) and TMZ says he's LiLo's newest attorney!

Mr. Goldberg practices law in Chicago, but he jumped on the nearest rainbow and slid all the way to California to meet with LiLo. Apparently, Mr. Goldberg is going to represent LiLo in her appeal against Judge Marsha's sentence. LiLo now has a good chance (sarcasm) with Mr. Goldberg. dazzling the court for her. I mean.....

How can the court not be completely entranced by a man who looks like he should be singing showtunes on a lucite piano for dozens of Oompa Loompas in a lounge below the Willy Wonka factory? How can the court not want to run their fingers through Mr. Goldberg's luscious field of dried unicorn tears?

If Mr. Goldberg's fancy powder blue suit hasn't convinced you of his powers yet, then please do yourself a favor and skip into his website. Mr. Goldberg's website is where the Land of OZ goes for inspiration.

Here's a few more pictures of my newest dream lover along with pictures of LiLo and White Oprah caffeinating their delusions at Starbucks yesterday.