You'd think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat's ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat's ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, "I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla's nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?"
People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who's also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG's daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis' daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride's family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they'll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla's punchable face every time they go to a family party.
Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it's only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let's all take this to remember VG's skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here's some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!
They (I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't ask me who "they" is) say that a parent should strengthen the bond with their child by doing something they love together. Examples: White Oprah and a young Lindsay Lohan bonded by doing GoGurt and rum shots during homeschool cocktail hour. Jessica Simpson and Baby Maxi Pad will bond by eating themselves out of a shell made of Slutty Brownies. Charlize Theron and Baby Jackson will bond by taking Mommy, Me and an Apple Bong class together. Jesse James decided he wanted to bond with his 8-year-old daughter Sunny, and thankfully his idea of bonding is not dressing her up like a Hitler Youth for Mein Kampf study class. Vanilla Gorilla took Sunny to his tattoo parlor and let him tattoo her name into his wrist with the help an artist. This was the result (try to look past his Fritos skin):
VG is a tattooed Frankenstein with a brain made of popped ass warts, but this is sort of kind of sweet. Don't get me wrong, if I had a kid, I wouldn't let them do this to me and I sure as hell wouldn't let them near me with a needle. All 8-year-olds have the penmanship of a serial killing chicken, so I don't want that shit on my body. Then again, if I had a kid, I'd probably forget their name all the name so that tattoo would totally come in handy.
When Jesse James opens his mouth, either words of shit or a tattooed genital wart he accidentally swallowed while licking on his skank-of-the-moment falls out. Last night, the former came out of his talk hole. The moment absolutely nobody was waiting for happened last night when Vanilla Gorilla returned to reality TV on a show that should've been called American Shit Talkers instead of American Chopper: The Build-Off. Because instead of spending all of his time building stuff, VG threw shade at the woman who was supposedly the love of his life. VG said in so many words that marrying Sandra Bullock turned him into a fake Hollywood husband and now he's sorry for that:
"I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad. . . I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show 'em that I'm still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I'm not what I became."
Isn't this the same "some Hollywood actress" that helped raise his daughter while her mom was off being a mess? Well, it must be freeing for Vanilla Gorilla to know that the world no longer sees the "loving husband" shell he was hiding in and now sees him for what he truly is: a complete asshole. Good for you, VG. And VG didn't talk to his biker friends because of Sandra Bullock. VG literally couldn't talk to them because his mouth was always full of tattooed labia.
What's that saying? A leopard can change its spots? Or is it, a Vanilla Gorilla can't stop being a whore? Well, whatever that saying is, Kat Von D has finally tattooed it to the outside of her brain after a self-realizing journey through the land of obvious showed her the light (and VG's 19th side piece). Kat slipped into the open confessional booth on Facebook where she admitted that she once believed that she could tame Vanilla Gorilla's forever wandering slut dick and prove to the public that he's not just a mutated, lie-filled anal wart with beady eyes and a philandering peen. Kat starts out her Facebook post by saying that if her relationship with VG was a reality show, it would probably be called 19 Skanks and Counting.
Never have I felt so strong about True Love, than I do today. I believe in Love more than anything else, and more than ever before.
Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year.
I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love.
There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people's ability to change for the better. Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible - even in the people who seem hopeless.
I still believe that, even if that change never occurs inside of him - because I see proof of change everyday - in others, and in myself.
I'm far from perfect, but am willing to examine myself, and my patterns of dysfunction, and then put in the work to better myself. It's a daily practice, but it’s working.
Sure, its easy to tell someone, "I told you so” especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love.
I know I deserve a big fat "I told you so,” from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, "You all were more right than you'll ever know” but you were.
Not to worry, I've gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I've ever made, but learned so much from each of them.
Kat then goes on to write that she is sick of being compared to VG's original whore Bombshit McGee, but she's mainly telling us all of this as a way of making peace with herself....and because a bitch could really use some press now that her reality shit show is lying dead under TLC's hoarders pile.
I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place - where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.
I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo - but this isn't about any of that.
This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.
I don't want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment.
Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who's never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).
Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that's the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.
It would be nice to move on now, and kindly thank you all in advance for your support, love, and positivity.
Life is far too grand to focus on the negative and put each other down.
Breaking news: a trash heap ho who tattooed her face so that it looks like the Milky Way gave her a facial had a huge lapse in judgement. Fuck me with a DUH.
Yes, Kat Von D should've seen this coming (the same way her pussy saw a lifetime of stinging as soon as VG's STD stick touched it), but there's really a lesson we can all learn from this. The first time he cheats, shame on him. The second time he cheats, shame on you. The 19th time he cheats, don't fucking WAH WAH WAH about it on Facebook, because we already know, bitch.
Since you use all of your memory cells to keep track of how many of your morning bowel movements are banana shaped, let me refresh your brain on the recent stunt queen moves provided to you by the couple the sanitation department put together to keep the trash in one place. Back in July, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D pretended they ended their engagement so whores would watch the season premiere of her reality show L.A. Ink. When the new season of L.A. Sink tanked and TLC threw it into a coffin a month later, Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla coincidentally announced that the power of love (and the need to keep their expenses down by sharing Valtrex prescriptions) brought them back together!
But last night, Kat Von D wrote a Facebook entry where she said that she's no longer shaving her pussy bush into the shape of a Hitler stache so Vanilla Gorilla can get an extra thrill when she sits on his face. Beware: PLUGS galore ahead:
I’m sure this will be the most "uneventful" blog I have ever written - but its purpose is simply to answer a lot of the reoccurring questions I've been getting asked lately - and I’m hoping this will answer them for you :)
I think maybe the final episode of LA Ink left things a bit confusing to some. So in a nutshell here goes:
1. I am not in any way moving to Texas. I am not opening up another tattoo shop. And I am not leaving my shop here in Los Angeles, High Voltage Tattoo.
2. I am not in a relationship. (And I apologize for all the "back and forth" if it’s caused any confusion)
3. I am in no way retiring - (what does that even mean anyway???)
4. My tattoo shop is not closing, and is open for business like always! (Same goes for my art gallery, Wonderland - next door to High Voltage Tattoo.)
5. As hard as it is to sometimes let go of the things you are so accustomed to doing, I am happy to have done LA Ink, but am even more excited about new upcoming ventures - and cant wait to eventually share more about this with you all!
That’s all. I told ya it would be uneventful… ;)
This is the point in the post where I'm supposed to write an in-depth analysis of what went wrong, but I'd rather hear about your banana-shaped bowel movements.
TLC announced today that Kat Von D will join Kate Gosselin at the halfway house for wayward reality whores, because they are lasering off L.A. Ink from their taint. They are canceling that mess after four seasons. The Duggars better say yes to every dress and develop a strange addiction to eating the one-pot laundry soap they make, because their asses could be next. Here's the last rites that TLC read over L.A. Ink's dying body:
"TLC has decided that the current season of LA Ink will be its last. The network is proud of what the series has accomplished in its four seasons, following Kat Von D's journey as an artist from Miami to Los Angeles. The series finale will air September 15th at 10 p.m."
But wait. Kat Von D not only says that she's the one who broke up with TLC, but now she's telling People that she and Vanilla Gorilla are magically back together. What a surprising coincidence! This is the shit that poured out of the bull's asshole on Kat's face when she tried to make it sound like she's the one who walked away from the show:
"In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup, the network has decided to focus their energy on re-editing events that didn't happen while filming. I have no regrets and am very proud of the original footage. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.
As grateful as I am to have been a part of a show like LA Ink, I'm ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now."
And here's what the Nazi Frankenstein mouth shat when People asked him about his engagement to Kat being back on:
"Sometimes you are only given one chance in life. It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her."
You know, I hope you didn't read either of those statements from those whores for propaganda. You should've just farted in your hand and smelled it for five seconds since that's basically what Kat Von D and VG are doing to us. "Sometimes you are only given one chance in life?" Why didn't VG go all the way and say, "She completes me." They are so full of shit.
The break-up was a publicity stunt for her show, it didn't work and so now they're back to creating new strains of gonorrhea every time their face anuses kiss. The end.
But we should really be mad at TLC. When that tattooed trash pile tramp went to TLC and said she'd do anything for ratings, an executive should've lied to her and said that the highest-rated Lost episode was the one where Juliet falls into a hole. (Nudge. Nudge.) Missed opportunity and we should never forgive TLC for that.
Kat Von D has pretty much turned her alive carcass into a tattooed yearbook of loved ones, because she's got her late mother's face, her ex-husband's face and a few of her friends' faces inked into her flesh. So of course, Kat got her ex-TRUE LOVE's face tattooed under her armpit, but she went with one of his childhood photos. If anybody isn't going to get weirded out from staring at their grade school picture while side fucking their piece, it's Vanilla Gorilla.
In the first episode of L.A. Ink's new season, Kat drags VG into her studio to show him the tattoo. Kat even proves that she has SLYCIC abilities when she says to VG, "I thought you were going to dump me." The clip of VG's shifty eyes trying to shift straight for the exit is below:
A mess. Kat Von D is like your brain on a coke binge and Vanilla Gorilla is like your brain after a coke binge. VG is acting like a chimpanzee who was trained to only shit in a yellow bucket and was pushed into an empty room with a butt full of caca and no yellow bucket in sight. VG's eyes are shifting everywhere looking for something, anything to save him. Like a cholo in court.
And Kat isn't totally a wet coloring book stuffed with dumb. Kat did the right thing by getting VG's childhood pictured etched into her flesh skin. Bitch can tell people it's just a tattoo of Elena Kagan in a Dutch Boy wig (no offense to Elena Kagan or a Dutch Boy wig).
Hazmat vans are patrolling the streets and the CDC has warned everyone to keep their genitals inside, because when Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D break up, the diseased trash is no longer contained and will spread. Cherubs have retired their arrows forever and seagulls are having a sad since their favorite couple to pick trash off of have ended their engagement after only humping the scab-covered smugness out of each other for less than a year. What I'm trying to say here is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SANDRA!
Kat Von D was supposed to start the journey in becoming Vanilla Gorilla's fourth ex-wife in a pre-divorce ceremony this summer, but he says it's not going to happen. Kat Von D will not become the fourth ho who VG fucks over by fucking anything with a tattooed labia. With VG living in Austin and Kat Von D living in L.A., their TRUE LOVE just couldn't withstand the distance. VG tells People:
"I'm so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much."
And Kat Von D who collects a check for vomiting out her private shit on basic cable, asked everyone to respect her privacy.
"I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I'd like to share. Thanks for respecting that."
"That's all the info I'd like to share"? Why didn't this busted wig-wearing skeezer make that vow a couple of months ago before she started going on about how Vanilla Gorilla is THE ONE and her TRUE SOULMATE who will be with her forever? Now the bitch wants to shut her mouth?
It's sort of poetic that Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla are coincidentally announcing this shit just a couple of days before the new season of L.A. Ink premieres. And in all the previews, Kat Von D goes on about how it's true love this time and she doesn't care what anybody thinks. I hope the producers have enough time to add a laugh track to that episode.
Vanilla Gorilla has used his hailin' fist to beat down the rumor that his engagement to Katherine von Drachenberg is no more. Life & Style ran story claiming that Vanilla Gorilla told his friends that Kat Von D is too much drama and he's not interested in making her the fourth wife he'll totally fuck over in the worst way. But Vanilla Gorilla told People that there's no trouble trashadise and everything's going according to plan. In fact, VG tells People that he and Kat Von D will beat the dead carcass that is marriage by becoming husband and wife on their one-year anniversary as a couple:
"We're still going strong. Things are completely good with us. That day can't come soon enough! Everything is on track. I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She's the one for me."
Of course their one-year anniversary is in August. Most big cities in August reek of grilled dog shit, baked kitty litter, rancid hamburger juice and dirty flip-flop butter so nobody will notice when the disgusting fumes of trash waft from VG and Kat's lips during their first kiss as a married couple. No, seriously, if VG insists on trying to make marriage work for him, I'll tell him the same thing I tell my Chihuahua when he tries to butt hump a Labrador at the dog park: "Have fun trying, bitch, because it's never going to happen."
Vanilla Gorilla writes in his memoirs that he never felt he was on the same level as Sandra Bullock, because she's a high-class movie star with refinement running through her veins and he's a piece of trash biker kid who listens to his music too loud. VG goes on to write that he felt trapped being married to Sandra which is one of the reasons why he licked on every tattooed labia in the skank bouquet. There's one way he's putting the blame on Sandra. VG subtlety put more blame on Sandra yesterday during an interview with Howard Stern. But before we get to that mess, here's what VG had to say when Howard asked him if his ex-wife was better at sex shit than his current fiancee. You already know the answer.
Howard: Who's more fun in bed? Sandra Bullock or Kat Von D?
Jesse: That one's an easy no-brainer.
Howard: ....Kat Von D
Jesse: Yes, sir. Hundred percent.
Howard: Hundred percent?
Jesse: She's a vixen, man. I love her.
Howard: What is she doing in that bed? She must be hanging from the ceiling.
Jesse: She just... Man, the way she just gets in my head and makes me feel. You know, it's a mental thing. Just connected on a whole different level.
If Sandra Bullock has the stuff that makes nutsacks burst into the clouds above and open a pathway to heaven for the angels' voices to travel through, this bitch would still say Kat Von D. If Kat Von D gave head like a catatonic turtle and laid there like an al dente lasagna noodle, he'd still say Kat Von D. The answer to that question is: who ever he's currently fucking. Therefore that question and answer are both invalid. Moving on.... Howard then brought up a very good point.
Howard: If she cheated on you, you'd be devastated. You'd understand the hurt that Sandra went through.
Jesse: If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.
See, another slight dig followed by a slap of blame. Vanilla Gorilla is full of so much cold shit that it's starting to back up and trickle out of his mouth. Even an enema the size of the Hoover Dam can't clear him out.
Kat Von D should really take his words as a dare and scoot her poon all over everywhere. Let her vag flag fly without shame! Just leave a trail and see what he does then. Take him up on that, Kat!