RPattz

Before you laugh, point and thrown giant DUNCE caps at RPattz for being the poster boy for "Ass Sex: You're Doing It Wrong", you should know that this picture was taken on his first day of how-to-take-a-strap-on training and he's just learning. Would you laugh at a newborn kitten if it fell on its pink nose while trying to make a walk for the first time? Okay, yeah, your evil ass would, but you still shouldn't call him a dumb bitch who can't bottom. But moving on to more important and earth-shattering news....

Any Twistorian will tell you that ever since the producers of Twatlight bounded Kristen Stewart and RPattz together in holy fakery to sell those dumb movies, neither of them have admitted in word form that she's sucking glitter shards out of his sparkle hole every night. But during a photo shoot with British GQ (via Daily Mail), Kristen Stewart mumbled out that she hopes to explore the UK more while shooting that Snow White movie, "because my boyfriend is English." The planet put on its brake and then the interviewer asked her to elaborate about that shit, to which she responded with:

"I never would have said that if I knew you were interviewing me.

So much of my life is so easily Googled. I mean, it’s like, come on guys, it’s so obvious!

'I don’t think you realize what a big deal it is for people. Well, it is a big deal. They would be 'Oh. My. God'. There would also be still a 50/50 split. Some people would still be, 'See, told you they’re not together.'

I don’t worry about it at all. It’s just one of those things. I’m selfish. I’m like, 'That’s mine!' And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It’s a funny little game to play and it’s a slippery slope. I always say to myself I’m never going to give anything away because there’s never any point or benefit for me."

I know this news made the Twihards shoot their panties off with a cooch cream geyser and then eat up those underwear pieces out of sheer excitement before barfing out a vomit ball that they molded into a heart for their "Edward & Bella 4EVA" altar, but Kristen didn't exactly say the name Robert Pattinson. Kristen only said that her boyfriend is English. Bitch could be talking about Madonna for all we know.

The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz's hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.

RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).

No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he's doing. Okay, I get it, but isn't this why movies have budgets?! Couldn't they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he's done with work he doesn't look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should've asked Ryan Gosling's dog George to be RPattz's hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.

If you've ever dreamed of seeing the glittery yet dark RPattz up to his eyebrows in pie, your prayers have been answered!! Okay, it's not quite the pronhub shit some of you hookers have been wishing for (I'm pretty sure he doesn't eat that kind of pie) but here he is looking all kinds of delicious on the set of his movie Cosmopolis in Toronto.

Aaaand if you're not a fan, you can point and "AHAHAHAHAAA!! In yo face, bitch!" See, RPattz is so thoughtful. There's something in it for everyone!

Thanks for the pics MK♥!

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Whenever there's a Water for Elephants premiere, there's always a sad leased elephant who is forced to wear a stupid fringed banner and resist the urge to nibble on Reese Witherspoon's ripe chin. The poor elephant always has to take the blame when somebody complains about a mysterious rank scent of Gouda cheese, foot powder and dirty laundry panties filling the air (SPOILER ALERT: it's coming from RPattz). It's not right! When an elephant weeps, we all weep!

But I'd like to think that the elephant at today's Australian premiere in Sydney got its revenge when it delivered its review of the movie to Reese and RPattz.

Seriously, even Dumbo never had to put up with this kind of shit!

Reese Witherspoon recently WAH WAH WAHed out that she sits in her car and weeps mournful tears for the loss of her privacy, but ho really should be bawling at the fact that she's swallowed way too many tablespoons of sparkly vampire sputum. The lining of Reese's stomach now looks like the inside of a Twihard's chonies after they fapped with a bottle of body glitter to the leaked Breaking Dawn sex pictures. Reese tells InTouch that shooting her big fake fuck scene with RPattz for that movie about elephants with cotton mouth was not unlike making out with a toad's runny ass.

On the day they had to exchange fluids, RPattz's fluids had a little extra something in it thanks to the cold he came down with. Reese oh-so-eloquently put it like this: “Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing. I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Are we sure RPattz isn't allergic to Reese's ass? You know, a Reese and RPattz hump scene doesn't sound sexy in the first place, so him shooting mucus balls from his nose is just nature's way of barfing. Oh, and that chorus of squishes you hear is every Twihard getting down to Reese's quote. It's going to take more than green snot to keep them off the body glitter bottle.

RPattz not only bathed his pits and commanded all the miniature unicorns in his hair to lay down for Elle Magazine, but he also told them that one of his wishes is to bring a serious beating on a paparazzo. ("Oooooh, I'm so scared." - the paparazzi). When RPattz sees a pap he fantasizes about the day he gets to punch that trick in the face the same way we punch ourselves in the face every time Kristen Stewart bites her lip. RPattz might look seven shades of frail and seem as fragile as the lone sparkle on a patch of long white vampire skin, but he's getting ready to go off on a bitch like a drunk slut with her skirt hiked up in the middle of a Denny's. RPattz put it like this to Elle:

"You know, when the whole thing dries up and there’s hardly any paparazzi around—I don’t know, in 15 years or something—I like the idea of just one paparazzo coming out and trying to get a picture, and I just beat the shit out of him. I mean—out of nowhere—when my picture’s not even worth…and I’ve spent all my money, so you can’t sue me!"

Just like that thousands of masochist Twihards are applying for pap jobs at photo agencies everywhere hoping that RPattz will punch them until they're black, blue and sparkly one day.

RPattz also told Elle that he does have a thing for older women, "I was always obsessed with Kate Moss. On my bedroom wall I had a poster of Linda Blair and Kate Moss. I always liked Jane Fonda. Who else? Ellen Burstyn."

Um. RPattz needs to go over his list again, because he forgot to mention one very important cougar:

You just know RPattz blew this classic picture up to billboard size and covered his bedroom ceiling with it. Metagasm!

And here's Kristen Stewart and RPattz touching lips while shooting a scene for Twatlight: Breaking Hymens in Rio, Brazil last night. Apparently, this mess is some kind of honeymoon scene right after Edward and Bella partake in a "We Finally Get To Do Each Other" ceremony under an altar of bedazzled Count Chocula boxes.

But I'm not sure if this is before or after a bruised Bella wakes up in a bed full of pillow feathers after Edward's all-mighty sparkle cock fucks the consciousness right out of her. You know, some "eat the pillow" kind of power fucking. That actually happens in that mess of a book. No, I didn't read the book. I read it about on the internet. And yes, "I read it on the internet" is the new "Um...my friend told me."

This might look like Kristen Stewart is flashing the international sign for FUCK YOU at LAX yesterday, but I don't think that's what's really going on here. It's obvious that Kristen is showing us the finger she's going to lube up in the grease mop on RPattz's precious head before gently poking at his sparkly Twihole. That braggy bitch! There's no need for her to rub it in. Well, technically she should rub first so it goes in easier, but that's not what I meant!

When a crazed Twitard broke into The Sun's offices and published a bullshit story about Robert Pattinson being the frontrunner to play Kurt Cobain in a Nirvana biopic, Courtney Love responded by saying that he's the wrong bitch for the role. The Daily Mirror asked RPattz about this and his sparkles turned to hot smoke. Bitch got mad and pulled out his shank (aka a Twidildo that has been whittled down by a Twitard with a vagina that don't quit).

"Sometimes these things just appear. I love Nirvana, but I love them a bit too much – I’d be embarrassed. And you see all these comments, like from Courtney Love, saying ’What the fuck! He’s totally wrong for it’, and I’m like, ’I fucking said no, you dick!’ I didn’t get offered it. For one thing, I’m too tall, and I can’t sing like him, I’m nothing like him!’ It’s ridiculous."

Is there room in the next Twilight movie for a deranged hyena woman with mange who lives under the school bleachers and attacks vampires by forcing them to read her Twitter rants? Because a Courtney Love/RPattz battle needs to be documented in HD!

But seriously, RPattz needs to show the seasoned crackie some respect! Courtney has had the sparkles for much longer than RPattz. Yes, she first got her sparkles from passing out face first into a pile of cocaine, but still!