RPattz

Forget the Battle For Suri and Losing Nahla '12, the real custody war we should all be focusing on is the one between RPattz and Kristen Stewart over their fur child Bear Pattinson-Stewart. Finally, a hobo hipster version of Kramer vs. Kramer with 100% more lip-biting, fleas (not from Bear) and vamp sparkles. Cue up the Vivaldi!

Bear was saved from flying up to heaven when RPattz and KStew adopted him from a high-kill shelter in New Orleans sometime last year. Before KStew wrecked her happy home by letting a married director wreck her bland coochie with his tongue (Why did I type that?), she and RPattz were planning to adopt another fur kid from a high-kill shelter in L.A. But Radar says those plans are off and now KStew will try to attempt the impossible by changing her one emotion from "duuuuuuuuurr" to "raaaaaaaaaaaaage" while fighting RPattz for Bear. You probably already heard what Radar's source had to say about this when CNN covered this HIGHLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY last night, but read it again. It's that important.

“After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear. She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby. But Rob was so hurt by Kristen’s actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man’s best friend and Bear is such a good companion. However, Kristen won’t give up Bear in a hurry. She helped Rob save Bear from Parvo disease, which nearly took its life when it was a puppy. She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy.”

Let's break this down for Bear Pattinson-Stewart.

Kristen Stewart getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart. I can stop there, because that is a huge con, but I'll keep going. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a mom who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pros - Bear will have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart,  which means his 500 daily naps will be extra deep since he'll always be bored from looking at her boring face. And Bear will always feel clean and pristine next to KStew's dirty ass.

RPattz getting sole custody:
Cons - Bear runs the risk of Twihard saliva falling on his head when one of RPattz's crazed fans slobbers all over his owner during one of their walks. And the bitches at the dog park will always make fun of his ass for having a dad who was in that Twatlight shit.
Pro - Bear won't have to live full-time with Kristen Stewart.

Based on all of that, I say give sole custody to RPattz and let KStew have supervised visits every other week. If KStew can't make her scheduled visit (because she's too busy rubbing her box on married man tongue, obviously), then just let Bear spend some quality time with a piece of bleached chicken leather. He won't know the difference.

Above is a video of Kristen Stewart, Rupert Sanders, Charlize Theron and some other people from Ho White and The Husband having dinner together at a restaurant in Berlin a couple of months ago. KStew giving off the sexuality of a wet Styrofoam peanut and the allure of a snoring, drooling sloth was just too much for Rupert to handle and so he had to give himself a quick yank right there at the table. And whatever utensils Rupert touched after that, KStew probably licked them real quick to be closer to him. That's how hot they had it for each other. At least that's what Rupert's wife's brother is saying.

In KStew's bizarre open apology, she said that her box munching date with Rupert was only a one time thing. But Liberty Ross' younger brother, Leopold Ross tells The People (via Radar) that those two have been biting each other's lips long before Rupert got caught with a mouthful of KStew snatch. Leopold feels for his sister, because she gave up her career to take care of the kids and Rupert has slapped her in the face with KStew's labia:

“It was from the last half of filming and all through post-production, clear into last week. She made some sacrifices for something she thought was worth it, now she knows, right? Five minutes from her home.

Doubt it was worth it but it’s life. It might actually make things better in the long run. She wasn’t that happy for a while, but our family is close, she’ll be all right.”

Yes, their family is really close and obviously mine is just as close. Because if my sister had a husband and that husband cheated on her by sucking off Kristen Stewart's tongue in a parked Mini Cooper, I would totally sell my story to a British newspaper. I didn't lace that last line with any sarcasm, so you've been warned, future brother-in-law.

I don't know if I believe Leopold Ross. There was a whole lot of making out (and not much more) in those pictures. If they were wet humping on each other for months, I'd think that they'd just want to get down to business and do sex on each other real quick before rinsing the cheating skank smells off of their fuck parts with a stranger's front yard garden hose. Who makes out in a parked car besides 11th graders? Grow up, KStew and Ruprick!

Below are pictures of moving trucks outside of KStew and RPattz's former love shack of sparkly love. The paps say those trucks are moving out RPattz's stuff. If this is a stunt (it probably is), then I'm disappointed at how anti-climactic this is. Moving trucks? That's it? They should've went ALL the way. RPattz should've thrown all of KStew's clothes into her Mini Cooper, torched that shit and used the scorned flames to light his cigarette. RPattz should've done it Bernadine-style. (Just picture Angela Bassett as RPattz and I know that's not hard to do since they're so much alike.)

That's how it should've went down with RPattz screaming "Get yer shit!" and everything.

I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward.

(Thanks, Lynn)

No, that dyslexic butt fuck picture never gets told to me.

Kristen Stewart gave People an open letter to Robert Pattinson where she slurred out a stream of sowwies for dimming the sparkle on his nipple by letting her 41-year-old married director make out with her cooch in her parked car. The statement of words almost made my eyes roll to the left and roll to the right, so bitch definitely wrote it herself:

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Well, I love how it takes UsWeekly catching her with a pussy full of married man mouth to admit that she's humping on RPattz. Hopefully, Kristen Stewart's dumb ass learned a lesson those of us with common sense learned naturally: When you're screwing on a side trick, don't do it out in the damn open for everyone to see. Take that shit to a Super 8 motel room. That's what they're there for. Seriously, bitch can't even cheat right.

UPDATE: Rupert Sanders burped out his own statement, "I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family. My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together." And I'm pretty sure his wife is REALLY utterly distraught about the pain of knowing that her husband fucked her over with the humanized version of a skater boy's ripped-off scab.

If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.

Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.

I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.

But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."

UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.

via E! Online

In case you haven't looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn't resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she's trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart's people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People's "source" said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

"Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn't having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn't have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She's a good person who just made a bad choice."

They should've just said that Kristen's lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that's why her mouth was on Rupert's mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what's going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew's contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.

No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.

This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million

Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.

Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.

Seen here looking like a faaaaaaaaw-bulous lion, Andrew Garfield chokes out a bottle of body glitter every time somebody brings up Robert Pattinson's name, because he can't stand that block of mozzarella cheese covered in sparkle vamp skin (Andrew's supposed words, not mine, Twihards). While doing research for this highly important expose about the battle between pajama-wearing superheroes and broody disco balls who call themselves glittery vampires, I found picture after picture of Andrew and RPattz hugging on each other.  But a source tells USWeekly that both of them are faking it through those hugs and Andrew is faking it better, because he's the real thespian of the two, thankyouverymuch.

The source says that it disgusts Andrew that he's put into the same category as RPattz, because he considers himself a highly serious actor who delivers his farts with more raw emotion than RPattz delivers his lines. (Side question: Do vampires fart?) The source went on to say that at a wedding for some Hollywood producer last month, Andrew and RPattz barely looked at each other. The source added this shit: "The truth is, Andrew can't stand Rob. Andrew hates that they're put in the same category because they're both English and around the same age. They don't enjoy hanging out. Andrew considers himself a 'serious actor' and sees Rob as the equivalent of a cheesy boy bander because of Twilight."

So the source is trying to tell us that this feud is over which one of them is better at doing acting shit? That's not what it's about. We all know what this is really about. When two 20-something British men snarl at each other, it's usually because of one thing and one thing only: HAIR!

Andrew is just jealous that no matter how much he grows out his wild mane, it will never summon the frolicking unicorns the way RPattz's does. Let's compare these two bitches:

Andrew should get some credit for giving us (Note: shake your finger when you read this or it won't count!) Lambert the Fiiiiiiercest Lion, but he still only gets 3 out of 5 Chantal Biyas:

RPattz on the other hand, 5 out of 5, duh:

When the angels stand on the edge of the clouds and dip their asses low, whose hair tips do they brush their butt cheeks against? Exactly. Stay jealous, Spidey Bitch, stay jealous.

Everybody who was at Coachella's second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton's charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone's skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here's Eric Roberts' daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens'ed out!

If you're thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her "tube top lost in a fight against a shredder" shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don't like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you're doing it wrong.

And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.

The Daily Mail has a few pictures of unicorn tamer RPattz leaving the perfectly-named bar La Poubelle (translation: TRASH CAN) with a trick who doesn't look like the part of her brain that operates her motor skills was eaten away by snorting actual bath salts. RPattz left the bar with actress Sarah Roemer (Disturbia, The Grudge 2) and the two got into the same car together. Hit the ESCANDALO alarm! When two Hollywood hos get into the same car together, it obviously means that he's spreading his sparkly dick cheese all over her American biscuit. That's the only explanation, because Hollywood bitches don't carpool!

The literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, said that after they left Trash Can Bar, they headed to SoHo House in West Hollywood with their friends. After that, RPattz got into Sarah's car and they drove away together. Kristen Stewart was nowhere to be seen! RPattz probably kept Kristen Stewart busy at home by daring her to win a staring contest against a blinking strobe light. (SPOILER ALERT: She lost every round.)

I'm one of those cynical hos who believes that the studio pushed Kristen Stewart and RPattz together in real life to give the Twihards even more frenzied crotch seizures, but I don't think he'd be this obvious about it. RPattz only has a few more months on his contract with Kristen and then's free. This is obviously just one of those "boy dude having drinks with his lady friend" things. Or maybe RPattz is Kristen's pussy wrangler and he just went out to find her some coochie while she tried to win that staring contest. Yeah, that's probably it.