I'm typing this from a make-shift raft made out of a door, because all of the Twihards have flooded the world with their tears after finding out that ROBSTEN ARE BROKEN (For now)!!!!!! You'd think that all of the Twihards would've cried out all the water in their bodies when Kristen Stewart did dry butt sex with Rupert Sanders, but I guess they must've replenished their fluids since then, because they are crying like they've never cried before! People (aka Voice of the Publicist Weekly) has announced that RPattz is done with smearing his hobo cheese all over Kristen Stewart's body for now. Just like KStew and RPattz, People's article about this shit is kind of awkward and wishy washy:
As rumors of relationship trouble continue to swirl, a source tells PEOPLE that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have called it quits after more than three years of dating. Reps for the two could not be reached.
But the source says it would not be surprising if the on-and-off-again pair got back together again.
What I'm taking that to mean is that since the final Twatlight movie is already out on DVD, their contract is expired EXPIRED and they might renegotiate..... but she's going to smoke a few bowls (or a few hundred bowls) and think about it. They'll get back together whenever one of them has some shit to promote. But right now, the only thing I care about is Nutty Madam's response to this shit:
Nutty Madam has either exploded and pieces of her are falling all over Britain right now or she's hiding in the bushes in front of RPattz's house and is ready to attack him now that he's single.
Here's a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson's pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner's ass cheeks (I'm guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.
It's finally over! (Well, it's over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It'll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog's Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he's already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own "Yup, I Like Dick!" cover of People.
And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son's plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.
I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen - Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.
But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they're not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they're just like "eh" in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could've inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever... At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.
But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado's favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it's not working on her. Nor will it ever.
That picture might look familiar to you, because it's exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to "Holly Jolly Christmas."
For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION" like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, "Ah smoked it!"
Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn't go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz's face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.
Finally, somebody asked. Ever since Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson started their press tour for Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Part 2, I've been waiting for some question asker to piss her off by asking, "So is RPattz still licking Rupert Sanders' saliva off your box or what?" Nobody has. But this morning, the producers of Today, programmed that question into Savannah Guthrie's hard drive and she spit it out at the very end of their interview with KStew (it's at the 2:56 mark above). Savannah asked, "Are you back together with Robert Pattinson?" While looking like a paint-huffing 9th grader getting the "drug talk" from her high school guidance counselor, KStew pretty much rolled her eyes and rose her flippin' off finger by answering it like this:
"Funny you mention that. I'm going to just let people watch whatever little movie they think our lives are. Keep 'em guessing, I always say."
Well, I guess every publicity stunt needs a bitch and KStew is the perfect one.
KStew released a public statement about passing her poon to married man mouth, her iPhone calls the paps every time she tells Siri to call her #1 and she's always wearing RPatt's clothes in those staged photo-ops, but yet she gets annoyed when people ask. I know I'm supposed to hate on her ass, but I just can't, because I appreciate a shameless bitch. It's like she's complaining about the fire being so hot when she's the one who fueled it. Oh, KStew, keep fucking that chicken ("Only if that chicken's married" - KStew).
Six seconds after this picture was taken, Cameron Diaz drunkenly slurred into Robert Pattinson's ear, "So are you going to Pattzin' up my bubbly by dipping your sparkle rod in my flute or what?"
UsWeekly says that DiGiorno-faced Cameron Diaz tried to get into Robert Pattinson's panties at LACMA's Art + Film Gala in L.A. on October 27th. RPattz, seen below at Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, is apparently back with Kristen Stewart, but that didn't stop horny ass Cammy from trying to get a chance to viciously hump the unicorns out of his hair. Some source says that Cameron went hard, "She was pretty obvious. Cam was seated next to Rob at dinner. She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said and trying really hard. He was polite, but not having it."
Cameron, you simple ho, that's not how you make the sparkles on RPattz's peen twinkle something extra. If you want to lure RPattz in, you have to sulk in the corner and when you're not chewing on the plastic leaves on the fake ficus tree next to you, you should mumble about how you hate life and everything in it. Whenever somebody tries to talk to you, hiss at them with your eyes and then blankly stare off into the distance like a slow dyslexic sloth trying to sing the alphabet backwards. RPattz will slowly start looking your own way and then cinch the deal by letting a married director hump your butt. BOOM. Before you know it, you'll be pulling fiber optic pubes out of your mouth while giving RPattz a beej in the men's bathroom.
Or Cameron can get RPattz by topping the deal he has with Kristen Stewart during the next FCB (Fake Celebrity Boyfriend) Draft.
Here's Robert Pattinson stoically standing in a junkyard to summon the tiny unicorns back to his enchanted forest hair. That's not grease and oily build-up covering his tendrils, that's the syrupy nectar tiny unicorns secrete when they rub their haunches against his wisps of hair. That's not sparkly dandruff stuck up in there, that's unicorn sperm. Here's RPattz looking ridiculous in L'Uomo Vogue and the mop on his head is so damn high that if the angels hung their faces over the clouds, they could floss their teefs out with the tips of his hair.
You can laugh at him for wearing that Lanvin coat, but it's not fashion to RPattz, it's armor! Every time he steps out of his house, the crazed Twihards who camp in his front yard gutters, throw themselves on his body. Well, the next time they do it, will be the last time they do it. Unless....they mistake those things for cone dildos and try to mate with one. I've made the same mistake too...
And here's also some pictures of RPattz with KStew at a party at the Hollywood Forever cemetery last night. Even his mask look miserable.
Brad Pitt is no longer the only millionaire hobo hawking bottles of stank on the stroll, because E! News says that Dior is putting $12 million in Robert Pattinson's Styrofoam donation cup for his services as the new face of their men's fragrances. RPattz, seen here at an event sponsored by Gucci (TRAITOR!), will put his face on Dior Homme ads for the next three years. $12 million is too much money, but I'm sure Dior will make it all back. They're just assuming that all the crazed, horny Twihards will storm Macy's and buy every bottle of that crap. Then they'll attach their vaginas to an IV drip full of Dior Homme cologne, so their coochies are always gargling with the essence of RPattz.
E! didn't really have that many details, but some source tells them that RPattz "likes the brand." More like RPattz likes the MONAAAAAAAAAAY.
We should all be grateful that we're living in a time when two people (read: KStew and RPattz) who probably smell like butt gravy and tonsil stones are getting millions of dollars to sell perfume. But seriously, everyone is always making jokes about how RPattz probably hasn't stood under a shower head in years, but I bet he has. I bet he showers daily and I bet afterward he covers his skin with pit cheese imported from France and makes his team of hired homeless men fart all over his body, so he always smells like he just woke up from a 10-hour nap in a Port-A-Potty. It takes a lot of time and money to look that dirty.
And so the month-long Twatlight press tour begins....
Your local Rite-Aid will be fresh out of Vaseline for the next 30 days, because the Twitards will be buying gallons of it so their tonsils and genitals don't dry up and fall off as they scream and cream themselves non-stop until the Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles next month. To start off the festivities of foolery, Kristen Stewart was sent to Tokyo, because if she wasn't a professional lip biter, she'd be making armpit fetish videos in Japan. Robert Pattinson was sent to Sydney, because he sort of looks like the human version of a tree-less blonde koala who hasn't taken a proper shit in months.
RPattz spend his day in Sydney making the Australian Twihards throw up their ovaries out of excitement and he also posed in a photo shoot that looked like an ad campaign for constipation medication marketed exclusively to bridge hobos. And KStew spent her first minutes in Tokyo waving and smiling at the paps. You know something shady is going down when KStew is actually making a smile and using her fingers to wave instead of using her fingers to flip a bitch off. KStew smiling is a good reason to not trust ANYTHING today.
The Twihards holding 24-hour prayer circles in front of their Robsten altars in the utility closet of their parents' garage worked. Robsten is unbroken (Note: Every time someone types "Robsten is unbroken," Nutty Madam has an O.) But since Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's contract will expire after this Twatlight mess ends, she didn't move back into his house. KStew bought her own.
Looking like a comatose sloth on camera has made KStew millions upon millions of dollars and she used some of those millions to buy a 3, 361 square foot, 4 bedroom, 4.5 bathroom house in the Los Felez (typo and it stays) neighborhood of Los Angeles. KStew's $2.1 million house is just a mile and a half from RPattz's $6.3 million house, so it's close enough to his sparkle peen yet far away enough for her to sneak in her side pieces without him finding out. KStew buying her own private slut house is the smartest thing she's ever done.
First of all, that house is ugly. It looks like an El Torito that closed down and was turned into a Chili's. Second of all, why in the world does KStew need four and a half bathrooms? KStew doesn't take a shower, because she keeps clean-ish by letting RPattz lick her dirty pit syrup up with his tongue. She should turn those four bathrooms into four hot boxin' rooms. Third of all, KStew is truly living the American dream, because she may look like a squatter who only drinks sink water from a gas station bathroom and has perfected the art of pissing into a coffee can, but she's the owner of a multi-million dollar home. Don't judge a hobo by her hobo-ness!