Alicia Keys

I really can't stand any of Alicia Keys' songs, because they all sound like commercials to me. Examples: "Empire State of Mind" is a song for the New York State tourism board. "You Don't Know My Name" is a song for Ginkgo Biloba and/or Alzheimer's medications. "Superwoman" is a song for Kotex and/or Centrium Silver for Women. And "Girl On Fire" is a song for Gonorrhea awareness.

And now I'm really mad at Alicia, because she just had to ruin the magical and wondrous Gummi Bear theme song by screaming it out on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night. It wasn't not funny and it wasn't not necessary. Just because Alicia ruined a trick's marriage doesn't mean she has to ruin everything else including a piece of my childhood. Alicia better stay away from the Muppet Babies theme song AND the Beverly Hills Teens theme song.

If you need something to clean your ears out, here you go:

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston

I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.

And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

The image of Alicia Keys pushing the pyramids, the Great Sphinx of Giza, a herd of camels and Charlton Heston as Moses out of her chocha is not what I wanted to toast my Friday night with, but now I am because she gave birth to a baby boy and named him Egypt Daoud Dean. What in the name of Tutankhamun's mummified taint is right...

Alicia's rep tells E! Online that Alicia and her husband Swizz Beatz welcomed a new kid into their arms in NYC last night. Her rep didn't have shit to say about the name Egypt, but they said that "Daoud, pronounced da-ood, is Arabic for David, and is Beatz's middle name."

Egypt is Alicia's first kid and is Swizz's fourth....that he knows of.

You know, I'm going to let the name go and let it scurry out the school yard, because that child has more serious shit to deal with right now. I mean, imagine opening up your eyes for the first time and seeing Swizz Beatz' toucan beak! Baby probably somehow learned how to do the Holy Mary thinking that beak was going to gobble him up. Or maybe he got excited thinking he's now gonna get a lifetime supply of Fruit Loops. Let's hope it was the latter.

Queen Latifah and her lady love Jeanette Jenkins touched covered nipples while giving each other some love on a yacht with Alicia Keys and Toucan Sam Swizz Beatz in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France today. You can print this out and mail it to your memaw (we know she doesn't believe in those computer things) who still doesn't think that the chick from Living Single loves a little gayelle sugar at all hours of the day.

Even though Queen's relationship with Jeanette isn't exactly a serious secret, but I'm still going to break out the confetti made from cut up Home Depot credit cards and tell Rojo Caliente to meet Queen Latifah at the next port to officially welcome her to the club.

There aren't many pictures of Swizz Beak, because he was probably hiding down below in case the IRS showed up in a dinghy boat to take his ass away.

A shot rang out in Corsica yesterday! No, it wasn't an intentional act of symbolism. It was the sound Mashonda's inflatiable boat made when it popped right after she arrived on shore to crash the wedding. Mashonda was too late, because Alicia Keys did indeed marry Gonzo Swizz Beatz on the French Island of Corsica last night. E! Online says that Bono and Queen Latifah watched as Swiss Beatz promised to love and honor the woman he's probably going to cheat on in a couple of months.

This is Swizz Beatz' second time wrapping a wedding ring around his finger and it's Alicia's first. The two are going to be parents to a brand new baby later this year.

Miss JIA already has some pretty hilarious pictures of their wedding. Swizz is dressed up like a busser/piano player at a lounge in Reno circa 1978. And the side-eye that little boy is throwing at Alicia's rhinestone headband has made my everything. Who does Alicia think she is? Empress Moon Child?

At the BET Awards last week, Alicia Keys threw her pregnant ass on top of a piano and crawled on that shit like she was Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. And on Saturday night at the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans, Alicia busted on her nalgas while performing in heels. Okay, this is a sign that Alicia needs to sit her shit down before she gives her unborn fetus vertigo. That poor fetus is probably dizzy as all fuck! Alicia should at least stick a Dramamine up her cooch before performing.

But seriously, I don't know why Alicia wants to stand up anyways. Standing is overrated. Being pregnant gives you a good excuse for sitting at all times. When bitches see a baby belly on a crowded train, that's their cue to stand up and offer their seat. That is a beautiful power. So Alicia should take advantage of that while she still can.

I mean, if I was Alicia, this would be me at all times:

Although, I don't think Burger King girl above is pregnant with a baby. I think she's just permanently pregnant with laziness. I should use that one from now on.

via Concrete Loop

Alicia Keys' spokeswhore confirms she's got a case of the babies and the father is her piece of over a year rapper Swizz Beatz. And Alicia's not taking her bow just yet, because she also said she's getting married to Swiss Beatz later this year. And here I was thinking that Alicia Keys only got moist when she had a little labia on her tongue. I for one am floooored (not really).

Their rep tells People: "Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz are expecting a baby and are engaged to be married in a private ceremony later this year. They're very happy."

This will be Alicia's first kid and Swizz's third. Swizz started bumping it with Alicia while he was married to Mashonda. Bitch jumped from one family to the next like when Shelly Long leaped from rock to rock in Outrageous Fortune.

Mashonda later wrote an open letter to Alicia, which I hope she'll read at the wedding after she crashes that shit. WELL, I'm always hoping for Dynasty moments! And that wedding is going to be the best, because instead of throwing rice everyone is going to throw side-eyes and lip smacks.

Here's Alicia looking like the plastic flower section at Michael's just barfed all over her while walking the red carpet at some event in NYC London today. This was before she announced her engagement to Alice the Goon.

At a Gotham Magazine party in NYC last night, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats stepped out together as a couple for the first time. In case you haven't heard the whispers on the playground, Swizz is currently going through a messy divorce from his wife Mashonda. Shit got dirtier after Mashonda wrote an open letter accusing Alicia Keys of Sienna Miller-ing her marriage. And here we are now.

But on to more important matters, did Alicia replace her bottle of Proactiv with Swizz's pencil peen (you know that's what it looks like), because her skin looks like Tommy Girl's ass cheeks if he gets too close to a bottle of anti-depressants.

And I know Swizz looks like a perma stoner with a bad case of the farts, but I still would. I can't help it, but his Adrien Brody nose is making my b-hole want to scoot on over.