Justin Timberlake

Madonna performed a 32-minute set at NYC's Roseland last night for free! Well, it wasn't totally free, because some people waited over 60 hours to get in. WTF! I wouldn't even wait 60 hours in line to see a Pete Doherty and Amy Wino crack-off! Ok, I totally would.

Anyway, during her set, Madge told the audience, “All you people I saw sleeping in the street last night, this song is for you.” She went on to say, "And don't forget to waste your hard earned cash on all my products, because I really need to buy a 4th home in London. CHEERIO!" Ok, she didn't say the last part.

Madge was joined on stage by Douche Timberlake and two tampons bumped vaginas to that hideous song of theirs. Seriously, can that song be put down already?

At least Madge kept her hands and crotch covered. That's all that I ask. Yes, it looks like her performance had its fair share of memaw crotch thrusts, but that's ok. Madonna is the new Sally O'Malley. She's 50 (almost)!!!!

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are still two dykes in love. The two attended some wedding in Los Angeles last night and came out hand-in-hand. You know she-hulk's grip is killing Justin inside. She doesn't know her own strength. He wants to cry so badly, but he's keeping it together for the cameras. Justin is used to it. Biel probably works that strap-on like a champ. Even cokie on Justin's hole can't ease the pain. The bitch is a trooper.

Tobey Maguire, Jason Bateman, Scott Speedman and Eva Mendes also attended last night. This shit looked like a funeral! They were all wearing black. It makes sense. You're mourning the bride and groom's slut days. Sad.

This is the new Justin Timberlake featuring Madonna (well...it is) video and I lasted the entire 4 minutes! Woo hoo! I will award myself by not listening to this song ever again. I had to watch the video with the sound turned to zero, because it reminds me of the time my high school marching band tried to do 2Pac's "California Love." Ugly memories.

The sun itself must have lit this video, because Madonna is wrinkle-free everywhere. Madge also wants to make sure we know that her thrusting 50-year-old crotch is here to stay. Basically, Madonna is turning into Sally O'Malley minus the sex appeal.

It took them 30 seconds to find two separate stock photos of Madge and Justin Timberdouche. It took them another 30 to paste them together. It took a full minute to find the font. The rest of the two minutes was spent airbrushing Madge's face. It probably cost the label a whopping buck fifty. Budget cover.

Madge and Justin need to do an ass-to-ass video already. They are obsessed with each other. I can't wait till she moves to a proper collaborator like Charo.

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Madge was induced into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night in NYC and it was a night full of laughs. Douche extraordinare Justin Timberlake introduced the Vadge one and used this time to make a joke about Brit Brit Spears.

He said, "The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple." Is Jay Leno writing his jokes?

He went on to say, "She has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience. Of course you know I was talking about Sean Penn." Leno is totally writing his jokes.

When Madge finally accepted her award she called the audience "motherfuckers" and talked about her past drug use. She's so hardcore rock and roll. She said she split a tab of ecstasy with an A&R exec Michael Rosenblatt after she gave him her demo tape. She also talked about smoking joints in front of her publicist, Liz Rosenberg, back in the day.

Madge didn't perform, but Iggy Pop performed "Burning Up" and "Ray of Light." Iggy has to be at least 150 years old and he's still hot as hell. This is Matthew McConaughey in 20 years, because Iggy never wears a fucking shirt. He has like heroin muscles.

Madge's face is frozen in time. I think she had a battle with botox and lost. I also see a little hair on her chinny chin chin. Madge, stop with the lifting and botox and get your shit waxed! Her eyebrows will be touching her hairline in no time.

The outfit is horrendous, but I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on with her face and hair! She looks like a Batman character.

Congrats to Madge! Again, lay off the botox and pick up a joint like in the old days.

Justin Timberlake dons a curly wig, pornstache and stuffed crotch for his new movie "The Love Guru." The movie also stars Mike Myers, Jessica Alba and Verne Troyer. A real winner. You know your movie is going to suck when Justin Timberlake looks like the funniest thing in it. After seeing his other movies, this bitch should quit the acting thing.

I think he stuffed his crotch with the same strap-on Jessica Biel uses on him.

Justin, take off your shirt, sing in that high-pitched Jacko voice and stay out of movies. If you follow these three rules, everything will be ok.

And will Mike Myers just stop already! Just stop! Open a window, breathe in the fresh air and stop! That's all I can say about him.

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File this under: They probably got the names mixed up! Page Six reports that Kate Hudson and Justin Timberlake have been seeing each other for about a year. Kate has been linked to Owen Wilson and Dax Shepard the past year. Justin has been linked to She-Hulk Biel.

A source said, "Kate is very private and refuses to be seen with him in public. She doesn't want to be humiliated like Cameron Diaz was when he dumped her. But they talk every day on the phone and see each other often." Reps for both Kate and Justin deny they are dating.

What the hell? Do reporters and writers just draw names out of a hat and decide who will be dating this week? Kate and Justin do make sense though. Both of them are probably the most annoying bitches on the planet. Maybe their annoying personalities would cancel each other out?

Hudson better beef up her security. She-Hulk Biel isn't going to like her woman being linked to another chick. She's going to throw a car at her ass or something. Hudson better watch out.

Thank you Justin Timberlake for warning me of wearing this kind of tool outfit in public. I seriously would probably wear something similiar to this, but now Justin has saved me. He looks like an extra from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video. I hope he continues to grow out his pube beard. I hope it grows all the way to his chest. That will be extra sexy.

Here's JT having dinner with his friends. He also posed for pictures with fans. A first, right? Doesn't he usually tell them to fuck off?

Wenn