Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
Kim Kartrashian no longer has to hold Kanye West's Balenciaga purse for him, because he doesn't have to scratch at Justin Timberlake's face and yank at that trash-talking whore's beautifully relaxed hair anymore. The beef is officially squashed. (FYI: "The beef is officially squashed" is also the code phrase that John Travolta's assistants use to let the housekeepers know his "massage appointment" in his bedroom is over and they better bring extra Bounty Paper Towels and Lysol, because it's that kind of mess.)
The most boring catfight ever started when Kanye West used one of his shows to declare that he doesn't like Jay-Z's new song with Justin Timberlake. Then Justin Timberlake used SNL to declare that "hits so sick, got rappers acting dramatic." If my overuse of the word "declare" made you picture Kanye and Justin delicately fanning themselves with lace fans while saying "I do declare" to each other over and over again, that was my intention.
The most boring catfight ever is probably over now, because on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night, Justin played dumb while making it clear that he sleeps in an I Love Kanye thong every single night. Jimmy brought up Justin changing a lyric to slap at Kanye and their conversation went like this:
JT: Did I change the lyrics? You know, really, everyone, keep calm.
Jimmy: Keep calm and Kanye on.
JT: For the record, I absolutely love Kanye, so there's that. Were the lyrics changed? I don't remember.
Kanye West obviously goes for the hair in a catfight and Justin did not sit in a salon chair for 3 hours and he did not suffer the pain of the relaxer burning into his scalp just so some trick ass bitch can yank out pieces of his freshly straightened hair. Justin is protecting his beauty, that's all. You gotta pick your battles and any battle involving a bitch possibly pulling your gorgeous hair out is not a battle you want to pick. I can't hate on JT for taking the high road and by the high road I mean "I Just Went To The Salon So Let's No Do This Today Boulevard."
via USA Today
The Summer's Eve Douche Death Match between Justin Timberlake and Kanye West went into round 2 last night on SNL when Justin grabbed Kanye's kilt and dragged that trick's ass along the floor for talking shit about "Suit & Tie."
At his show in London last month, Kanye Kardashian fired the first shot during one of his eye roll-inducing rants when he said, "I got love for Hov, but I ain't fucking with that 'Suit & Tie.'" Coming from a trick who's fucking with a Kardashian, that's a compliment. So Justin should've flipped his head the other way and ignored Gay Fish, but since he can't resist a good old-fashioned douche off, he fired back last night. While performing "Suit & Tie" with Jay-Z (click here if you need to see it), the Robin Thicke impersonator sang out this lyric:
"My hits so sick/Got rappers acting dramatic."
This beef is nowhere near as entertaining as LaDouche vs. Baldwin, but I still love it when two catty queens try to yank the plugs out of each other's asses. I'm sure Kanye will come back and try to slap the Dark & Lovely out of Justin's hair. I'm not on Team Gay Fish and I'm not on Team Timberlake, but I still can't wait for their next meeting in the ladies room.
Here's some pictures of Justin and Jessica Biel outside of the SNL after-party last night and also some pictures of Jessica trying to stir up the pregnancy rumors by wearing some maternity shit yesterday afternoon.
Justin Timberlake released the David Fincher directed video for his song "Suit & Tie" on Valentine's Day, because, duh, he's a crooning cupid of love and when he opens his mouth, musical arrows shoot out and directly hit the g-spot in your ears. In the video that makes me appreciate Robin Thicke's act a whole lot more, Justin Timberlake eats cereal with Jay-Z, auditions for a community theater production of Jersey Boys, dances in a stage puddle ala Umbrella and ends it by doing the Mad Men opening credits fall.
Listening to this wreck of a song hurt me less than watching The Love Guru while sober did, so I guess that's a good thing. And Justin Timberlake's freshly relaxed locks are growing me. There's just something about a grown white man stocking up on boxes of Dark & Lovely at Rite-Aid.
Justin Timberlake tweeted this last night: "Thursday, January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST..."
A bunch of people assumed that on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin would drop a new single featuring Beyonce and Jay-Z. But nope, on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin posted a dramatic as hell YouTube video where he announced his return to music. THIS BITCH's ego is on steroids, because he's laying it on thick. Even Jesus didn't make this kind of announcement three days before Easter. Damn. I'd expect this kind of announcement if scientists found a way to bring John Lennon and George Harrison back to life and they were starting to work on a new Beatles album. Justin is acting like our world has been in black and white ever since he stopped making music and now our world is in color again after announcing that he's giving us new songs. I know, we should be dropping to our knees and thanking him for ending this dark period in our lives. Bitch, you made "SexyBack"! Bitch even has a countdown clock on his website. Only musical messiah Pia Zadora should be making announcements like this, not Justin Timberlake.
And if you replace the word "music" with "poop" in that video announcement, it would sound like a commercial for Metamucil.
The real good news here is that Justin will be too busy with making new music to act in movies. So there's that.
Gerard Butler's constantly wandering dick has a serious case of ADD and needs to constantly jump from one cooch to another, but some source tells Radar that he wished he would've shoved a Ritalin pill up his peen hole and settled down with Jessica Biel. Gerard and Jessica dated for a quick minute while she and Justin Timberlake were on a break, but it ended because she wanted to get married and pop out babies and he's a high level man whore who gets the shakes if he doesn't dip his peen into a new piece every five seconds. But Gerard regrets not stopping his slut ways to get into it deep with Jessica, because he's lost his chance and he'll have to wait forever for another chance (or he'll just have to until she eventually divorces Justin in a couple of years). The source said this about Gerard's feelings:
"Gerard doesn’t have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them. He genuinely believes she was the one that got away. Jessica liked Gerard a lot, she was into his boyish nature, but she wanted something more serious. She was ready to settle down. [Gerard is happy that Jessica married Justin] but he still thinks he missed out. He just wasn’t man enough to admit the feelings he had for her at the time."
When I think of things that got away from Gerard Butler, I usually think of shampoo and a bar of soap, but now I'll think of Jessica Biel. I'm sure Gerard Butler will never get over this and he'll have to drown his sorrows in random chocha to temporarily forget about Jennifer, Jessie, Joshua or whatever her name was (Gerard's words not mine). But Gerard should feel better knowing that whenever Jessica finds an old tub of Parkay in the back of her refrigerator and starts to clean off the margarine crust stuck to its lid, she'll think of all the times she had to use a spoon to scrape the layers of dirty dick butter from the roof of her mouth after giving him a beej. At least they'll always have that.
Here's Mr. & Mrs. TimberBiel putting Operation Damage Control into action by handing out stuff to the victims of Hurricane Sandy in Far Rockaway, Queens over the weekend.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Timberlake (she took his last name since Shakira's baby took her last name) are on their honeymoon right now, but he took a little time away from snorkeling all up in her ass to release a bunch of "I'm Sowwy" balloons for that video his douche hole of a friend made as a gift. Justin's friend Justin Huchel made a video of homeless people, crackheads and street people apologizing to Justin and Jessica for not being able to make it to their $6.5 million pre-divorce ceremony in Italy. Justin posted an open letter on his website (via THR) where he says that the video didn't play at his wedding, he had nothing to do with it and he thinks it's as tacky as you think it is. Justin would never EVER make fun of those less fortunate than him. Justin's heart is full of love for those less fortunate and he constantly does what he can to help them. I mean, Justin did marry Jessica Biel and that sort of counts as granting a Make-A-Wish wish. Right?
If you really want to read a lot of words and kilt jokes written by Justin and his team of publicists, get it after the cut. GO!
Lainey Gossip had a blind item yesterday about how some friends of a multi-millionaire celebrity couple played a very touching gift at their reception. The friends got together and asked various homeless people, drug addicts, street musicians and transsexuals around Los Angeles to wish the multi-millionaire celebrity couple a very happy wedding and to express their sadness about not being able to make the trip to the $6.5 million wedding in Italy. Well, today Gawker has the answer to that blind item. It's TimberBiel!
Justin Timberlake's real estate agent friend Justin Huchel (who looks like this) played the over 8 minute-long video at the wedding. Gawker has a piece of it. Gawker says that a lot of the people in the video are obviously homeless and obviously hooked on the wrong stuff, because they're slurring and barely coherent (aka me if I had to sit through Justin and Jessica's wedding). Gawker went on to say this:
The 8:30 video was premised on the idea that they were friends of Timberlake and Biel’s who, for whatever reason, couldn’t quite swing the trip to the Borgo Egnazia resort in Puglia for the nuptials, which were reported to cost $6.5 million. ‘Greetings from Your Hollywood Friends Who Just Couldn’t Make It,’ reads the opening title card, ‘Featuring Sid, Chuck, Robert, and More!’ Sid, Chuck, Robert, and others appear to be penniless and living on the street. Some of them are obviously intoxicated, mentally ill, or both, and at least one of them is entirely incapable of speaking
Another glassy-eyed apparently homeless man woozily tells the camera, in a lengthy and rambling monologue, "Jeez I miss you so much. I wish I could be there." ("There" being the $1,000-plus a night Italian resort hanging out with guests like Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. "Here" being behind what looks like a McDonald's.) Others mumble unintelligibly in response to questions about when they last hung out with Timberlake and Biel. When one shirtless man says he saw them at the L.A. Coliseum, the male voice asks, "were you performing with them?"
So there was Jessica, Justin and their rich friends, covered in diamonds and laughing at the vagrants as they sipped $3,000-a-bottle champagne that was cut with blended $100 bills and sapphire dust. They laughed laughed laughed! That's some depression era shit. When Gawker asked Justin Huchel for a comment, Justin Huchel's lawyer commented with a letter threatening to sue if a piece of the video, which was supposed to be a joke, saw the light of the internet.
I'm sure TimberBiel will donate their entire $300,000 from People to a homeless shelter in L.A. I'm sure.
But seriously, what low-life pieces of tacky trash for laughing at barely coherent, toothless messes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
For those of you who are still grabbing onto 2000, here's the closest you will ever get to seeing Justin Timberlake and Brit Brit's faces under the word WEDDING on the cover of People Magazine. People is trolling and this is their gift to you.
So, this is what $300,000 bought People Magazine. They got a cover picture of Just Timberlake doing the LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT LOOOK AT MEEEEEE while his bride Jessica Biel sits there like, "Oh hey, don't mind me, I'm just taking a quick piss on a potty training toilet." Justin not only sucked up all the attention on the cover of People, but he also sucked up all the attention at their wedding. Justin tells People that as Jessica strolled down the aisle, he played the guitar and sang an original song he wrote for her. So their guests had the choice to either look at Justin Timberlake sing an original song or watch the epitome of boring walk down the aisle. What do you think they went with?
I bet when Justin was a kid, he was that attention whoring ring bearer who had to upstage the bride by acting the fool in the aisle. And now that Justin's all grown up, he's that attention whoring groom who is still upstaging the bride.
As for Jessica's dress, she says her mound of pink fluff was a custom Giambattista Valli Haute Couture gown. That gown probably cost thousands upon thousand of dollars and took a dozen people several months to make, but I swear you can buy the exact same thing at a low-budget quinceanera dress store in the ghetto part of any mall.
With all that being said, this cover is a wreck on every level and I'm thankful to People for going with it.
In a few years, bitchy bloggers and gossiping whores will need the perfect picture to Photoshop a jagged break line into when Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel eventually get a divorce, so People will be providing that picture on the cover of tomorrow's issue. TimberBiel gave People magazine the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the pictures from their $6.5 million Italian wedding and the only thing they asked for is a check for $300,000. TimberBiel will also get another check from OK! for the European rights to publish the picture of Justin serenading Jessica with an acoustic version of "Cry For You" as she pinches her ass lips because she can't believe this day has finally arrived after years of clinging to his taint.
Jimmy Fallon, Andy Samberg, Beverley Mitchell and Questlove were all guests at TimberBiel's wedding, but four very important blasts from Justin Timberlake's past were not guests. Bitch didn't invite 'N Sync! Page Six says that neither Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick nor Joey Fatone got an invitation. TMZ says that Chris was in Italy at the time, but they don't know if he was a guest at Justin's wedding. One source said that N'Sync is sad about getting snubbed by Justin, because they loved him at his lowest and by that I mean they loved him even when he had cornrows:
The band were not invited and are pretty upset about it. But the wedding guests were mainly close family and friends.”
People could've posted a picture of a chewed-up Styrofoam bowl wearing a veil next to a beige butt plug and all of us would've said, "Awww, Jessica and Justin look beautiful," so they obviously wasted their money. But since Jessica and Justin managed to get $300,000 from People, I hope they donate that money to charity. And I hope that charity is the Make An 'N Sync Member Happy Again Foundation, because Justin's rude ass has a whole lot of making up to do.