The "Who Cares?" News
It's the week of spiked egg nog, sad checking accounts and shoot outs over the last Zu Zu Pet (just give it to Richard Gere), so gossip is slower than a Hugh Hefner cum shot. So put on your "pretend to care" face when reading about these two assholes from The Hills breaking up. Or just skip this shit and ransack your office supply room for last-minute Christmas gifts.
UsWeekly reports that Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole have ended their fairytale romance after 15 months together. Jayde wrote on her Twitter the other day: "'Sometimes when you truly love someone you have to let them go.....' I never really understood that quote until now."
A source said that Brody told Jayde that he needed to spend sometime by himself. Brody has apparently gone to Australia for a little soul-searching. More like a little hole-searching.
The truth is, Brody made the decision after his optometrist updated his contacts prescription and took a good look at Jayde Nicole's face. THAT FACE. A face like that only belongs on a villain who is trying to take over Gotham City. Such a young bitch, and she's already on step 6 of 10 to becoming a Wildenstein. Bitch is taking the carpool lane.
Remember Jon & Kate? We've all been fucked so hard in the eye hole with Tiger news that our brains ejaculated every memory we ever had of those two. Well, in case you do remember them, you should know that they are now officially officially OFFICIALLY divorced. You might want to put a padlock on your trash cans and keep ear plugs on your nightstand, because the possums will be partying tonight!
Kate's lawyer tells TMZ that the child army will stay at their compound with her. Jon will get visitation rights. Kate also added, "I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children."
Unfortunately, our national nightmare is not over. Apparently, Jon has been hit with a 5-figure monthly child support payment that he can't pay due to TLC blocking him from working the famewhore stroll. And you know Kate is going to send her mob of rabid possums after him if he's even ten-seconds late on his payment.
That means you might find Jon begging for a coin in front of your local Rite-Aid. That will ruin your day faster than a genital wart. Or worse, don't be surprised if you see him shaking those titties at a strip club for a warm dollar.
When it comes to the Gosselins, we all lose.
You can officially hit the start button on the divorce countdown clock, because Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got married in Orange County, CA last month. This is two months after their big fake wedding for the cameras.
It took Khloe and Lamar so long, because they were busy battling it out over the prenup. Lamar must have held Khloe down for at least 3 counts, because he got what he wanted. Khloe doesn't even get to sniff at Lamar's $33 million Lakers contract. When their marriage is beheaded, Khloe will get a yearly alimony check.
For Lamar's sake, I hope he included a clause in their prenup that states Khloe must stay in the guest house during full moons. Lamar isn't going to be happy when Khloe wakes his ass up in the middle of the night by dragging animal carcasses into their room and howling at the moon.
It's a good thing Miley Cyrus is still around, because how else are little girls going to learn that wearing pants is optional now that the Trannycat Dolls are about to get euthanized.
According to Page Six, Nicole Scherwhateverwhocares is hitting the "ignore" button whenever the other trannycats call. Basically, Nicole wants to be the new Beyonce and the other trannies get the message.
A source said, "It is war. They have broken up for good. None of the other girls are speaking to Nicole, who they believe took the limelight, then went off to do her own thing."
Maybe Nicole realized that she no longer wanted to make superficial bubble gum fart music for strippers and toddlers alike to shimmy to. Nicole wants to go back to making meaningful music with thought-provoking lyrics. You know, the kind of John Lennon-approved music she made with Eden's Crush:
And since 99.999999% of you stopped reading at "Miley Cyrus," I can admit that I actually bought this CD at Sam Goody in broad daylight.
Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.
Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.
Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.
Reeeeejoice! There's one less Ed Hardy-wearing bag of butt plugs walking the streets! TMZ brings us the beautiful news that Brit Brit's former gas station escort is going off to the chokey. Adnan Ghalib was sentenced to 45 days behind bars for hitting a process server with his car last February. Last month, Adnan pleaded no contest to leaving the scene of an accident.
In addition to the 45 days in the clink, Adnan was placed on probation for 36 months and he must complete an anger management course as well as 45 days of hard labor. Unfortunately, the hard labor doesn't include cleaning the chunky jam out of Daddy Spears' toes.
So that's that! Now you can go back to forgetting Adnan Ghalib exists. Well, until your next bikini wax. Unfortunately, you'll think of him when your waxer asks if you want a landing strip or a baby crotch.
Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.
Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."
See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.
In the Daily Mirror today, they have an item about how friend to all Daniel Radcliffe got oral with a delicious paper penis filled with the good shit. And he swallowed. THIS IS NEWS.
While at a party in London, DanRad took several deep drags from a joint, which caused him to break out into a fit off non-stop giggles. DanRad was so deep in a green fog that he let some girl draw a stache on his face. A girl who witnessed DanRad's acts of stonery said this, "Daniel was laughing and seemed to find it funny. But he didn't really look like he knew what was going on. I was surprised by his behavior. He is a kids' favorite. I'm not sure what his fans will make of it. Daniel looked spaced out and away with the fairies. He didn't want us to recognize him. When I said he looked like that actor in Lord of the Rings [Elijah Wood], he got a bit funny and said, 'No, that's not me'. He looked pretty uncomfortable."
Before leaving, DanRad turned to the other partygoers and proclaimed, "I LOVE WEEEEEED!"
Laughing until you've got cotton mouth? Humping on gay ass fairies? Letting someone jizz on you with a Sharpie? Declaring your heart is full now that you've found your soulmate (weed)? Yup, that pretty much sums up my first time too. It sounds like Harry Potter got his weed cherry popped.
And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."
TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.
She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.
To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.
Radar Online is hearing that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden handcuffed themselves to each other by getting married......IN SECRET! Although, if you whisper something that nobody cares about, it's not really a secret. But I won't piss on their love parade.
Apparently, Sparrow and Harlow's parents picked up a marriage license last week, and made it legal on Wednesday. The two have been bumping peroxide bushes for...oh who cares. In Hollywood time, they've been together forever.
Spokeswhores for Nicole and Joel were unavailable for comment. Probably because they fell asleep at the wedding and still haven't woken up.
And I'm guessing that when Joel got back from the court with the license, Sparrow jumped down from his bird bath and asked his daddy if he brought him a "CHANGE MY FUCKING STUPID NAME" form.