The "Who Cares?" News

When Vienna Sausage started crying zig zaggy tears (You know, because she's wonky eyed....womp womp...I know) about how Jake Pavelka of The Bachelor didn't want to fuck her, many made the assumption that this must mean he only gets thirsty for peen. Because what straight dude wouldn't want to go dizzy while trying to gaze into Vienna's cross eyes during sexy times? Well, Radar asked several professional experts about Jake's sexuality and they do believe that his no-no probably chirps for dick. And by "professional experts" I mean some losers from The Bachelor and Bachelorette. Let's read what these assholes farted out:

Paul from The Bachelorette 4: “I definitely think he has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. Nothing personal, Jake!

An unnamed bitch from Jake's season of The Bachelor: “I think he has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies.”

Richard from The Bachelorette 4: “I’m not sure if he is gay, but it seems he just has no experience with those types of women that are on the show.”

An unnamed bitch from The Bachelorette 4: “I couldn’t tell you if the guy is gay but I do have one word for you -- goober! Jake always struck me as a phony, he never was really himself. He always trying and trying and trying to impress.”

Thank you, experts! Yes, the closest you've come to a gay person is the time you stopped to watch Will & Grace for a few minutes while channel surfing, but your expert opinion is still appreciated!

Paul is right, by the way. The Gay Tendencies Store (which is right next to The Montenegro Style Boutique) is always out of grey t-shirts and fugly washed jeans. But seriously, you know what makes me think that maybe just maybe Bachelor Jake isn't gay? The cell phone strapped to his pocket! No self-respecting gay does that! You either carry it like a clutch or stuff it between your nalgas.

Kobe Bryant's wife Vanessa better sleep in an electrified cage from now on, because she has awoken the rage in Khloe Kardashian it won't be long before her roof is torn off and she's plucked out of bed and carried off to Skull Island never to be heard from again. That's because Vanessa has blacklisted Khloe from the Lakers wives inner circle and won't allow her to sit at their table. Pfft! Like Khloe wants to sit with those round-the-way hags when she could sip on a jug of moonshine with Tim Peeler while he strokes her "bayootiful yallaw-ish hayer-ah" and talks rough to her.

A source tells InTouch that Khloe is dead to Vanessa, and in fact she hates the entire Kardashian family, because she says they are nothing but fame fuckers. The source went on, "At a dinner for the wives, Vanessa didn't want to invite Khloe. She said Khloe is a 'fake wife,' and she didn't want fake wives there."

If Vanessa didn't marry a gazillionaire, she'd be right next to my cousin stocking the shelves with Goya at Northgate Market in El Monte (which is hotter than being married to Kobe Bryant, to be honest), so she just needs to drop the Tanya Turner shit. But if Vanessa insists on throwing Khloe hate, then I say we throw both of them in a covered dumpster with a bunch of wild turkeys and pray only the wild turkeys make it out in one piece.

Vienna Sausage and Jake Pavelka of The Bachelor are going to ride this attention whore Winnebago all the way to the edge and even after they crash and burn at the bottom, they are going to keep hitting the gas (don't call AAA when that happens), because this is probably the most attention they are ever going to get. So that's why hours after it was announced that Vienna and Jake quit each other, she was already on the cover of Star Magazine farting about why she dumped him. According to Vienna, even though they lived together for months their genitals never touched. Vienna says that every time she batted one of her cock eyes at him, Jake's peen crawled into his thighs to escape her. And even when she offered to eat his tuck area out, he still made excuses.

Vienna tells Star, "We haven't been intimate in months now. More than four months. At first his excuse was that he was fasting. The second excuse was that he didn’t feel like it. And the third excuse was that he said that he felt that I wouldn’t understand that he wants to wait until marriage, even though I told him I’d support him. Then the last excuse was that we fight so much that I push him away. I was like, really — which excuse is it? I literally have been living six months with this guy who won’t be intimate with me! He kisses me only if we’re on a red carpet or if cameras are there. Besides that, I have to ask for a kiss — and if I do he’ll pucker his lips and just peck me. I’m like, that’s how I kiss my grandmother!”

Excuse #5: He has working eyes and a weak stomach. Excuse #6: He's GAY, bitch!

Okay, the truth is that I'm probably the only one standing in the "I don't think Jake's asshole barks for dick" section while most of you are sitting in the "Yes, it does" section. Actually, I think more of you are in the "I'm really trying to care, but nothing is coming out" section.

If Jake really was a peen lover, he would've picked one of those other girls who look like they've never seen a real-life dick let alone touched one. Jake wasn't dicking Vienna, because he was too busy jacking off to himself in front of a mirror in the bathroom. Bitch loves himself too much. If Vienna wore a Jake mask, maybe she would've got a piece from him.

Another relationship that was born in ABC's bowels and pushed out of their asshole has been flushed down the toilet for good. Since the love affair I'm about to start with this Pop Tart sitting next to me will last longer than most Bachelor relationships, this is the direct opposite of surprising. But since pretending is fun, add another drop of butter to your cream cheese bagel (I know how you do) and just tell yourself you're drowning your sorrows in melted fat. I mean, you might as well get something out of this shit.

People confirms that Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi of the most recent season of The Bachelor have quit each other. A spokeswhore didn't give a reason for the break up, but they said this: “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time.”

When Jake got on one knee and proposed to Vienna Sausage during the season finale of The Bachelor, I punched myself in the face for actually watching that fake shit. And then I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before Vienna Sausage was pawning that ring off in a shop off the highway in Florida somewhere so that she could use the cash to pay for her third nose rotation. While I do think it's a good idea that she sell that shit right away, bitch needs to use that money to fix her jacked-up wonk eyes instead of getting more plastic surgery.

Seriously, the Haylie Duff of Florida looks like an alley mutt with two little hot dogs dangling before her. One eye is trying to focus on the hot dog on the right, and the other is trying to eat up the one on the left. No wonder these two lasted as long as they did. Vienna couldn't clearly see him checking out other pieces of ass.

Since Amanda Bynes knows very well that she can never top her Oscar-worthy work in the cinematic masterpiece that is She's The One, she has decided to quit while she's ahead and officially retire from Hollywood. Cut to everyone in Hollywood saying, "Um. Didn't we fire her a while ago?"

In a series of Tweets yesterday, Amanda took her final bow and exited stage left:

I've never written the movies & tv shows I've been apart of I've only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play
6:58 AM Jun 19th via web

Being an actress isn't as fun as it may seem
6:59 AM Jun 19th via web

If I don't love something anymore I stop doing it
7:47 AM Jun 19th via web

I don't love acting anymore so I've stopped doing it
7:48 AM Jun 19th via web

I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I've #retired
7:50 AM Jun 19th via web

Somewhere Meryl Streep is letting out a giant sigh of relief, because her main competition is no longer in the game.

via HuffPo

Rachel Bilson (that girl from The OC) and Hayden Christensen (the worst actor on this side of the Universe) have decided to sit on opposite sides of the table with their lawyers to try and renegotiate their contract. A source tells UsWeekly that Rachel and Hayden, who got engaged last year, are taking what they are calling a "break." Queef. They call it a "break" we call it sitting in a conference room under fluorescent lighting for a few hours.

Rachel and Hayden's spokesbitches didn't comment on this, because I don't think even they give a dick. But at some event on Wednesday night, UsWeekly noticed that Rachel didn't have her ring on. When they asked her about her wedding plans, she said, "No, no plans. No nothing." The same can be said for her career plans too.

The source went on to say that they are going to take a month off from each other and then revisit the relationship. So basically, she's going to revisit putting her lips on a peen that actually gets hard when she touches it, and he's probably going to do the same. That sounds like a good idea.

A few days ago the creatures of the forest were left shaking in fear after hearing that a new Kardashian Sasquatch might be galloping through their parts soon to eat their young and hump their trees. But they can stop leaving extra Bigfoot traps out for now, because Khloe Kardashian claims she's pregnant with a gurgling lump of lard. Not a baby.

When Entertainment Tonight asked Khloe if the Kardashian family is adding another employee to their pay roll, she bluntly said, "No, I'm just fat." Khloe's mom Kris added, "If Khloe is pregnant, I would be the first to yell it. So, no, she's not -- unless they're holding out on me, in which case they're both grounded."

And since every Kardashian needs to wrap their mouth around a mic when near one, Rob also farted out his two pieces of caca regarding his sister being knocked up, "She's not pregnant. I live with those two, and I would know if she was pregnant."

Khloe is funny. Khloe's pimp QuickTrim should really add her "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat" quote to every one of their boxes.

And that noise you just heard was every one of QuickTrim's competitors popping their load simultaneously.

Heidi Montag might still have one functioning brain cell left in her head that hasn't been completely shaven down by her plastic surgeon because it was too fat (but probably not). Or this is just Spencer Pratt's attempt at trying to kick Gary Coleman off the cover of People Magazine next week. Whatever the case may be, TMZ says that Heidi has galloped away from Spencer Pratt and is looking for a new place to live. That means Spencer can stick his crystals up his ass in peace now.

Heidi's rep tells TMZ: "Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She's tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career."

I think I feel you trying to care. Or maybe I'm feeling you trying to pass a fart. Yeah, probably the latter. If this is true, at least Heidi has her scary plastic monster face to remember Spencer by. Every time a child makes the sign of the cross at her, she can think fondly of that giant butt plug covered in flesh colored ass hairs.

And I doubt you're even reading this since you're still laughing at "focus on her acting career."

(terrifying image that most of you are taking as a direct threat via Pacific Coast News)

Bethenny Frankel of The Real Chickenheads of NYC gave birth to a girl Hoppy (or as Jill Zarin probably says "a hobby") earlier today, a month ahead of her due date. Bethenny and her husband Jason Hoppy named their new baby friend Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy. If only. They really named her Bryn Hoppy. Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy has a better ring to it, honestly.

Bethenny's rep (aka her assistant who always uses a breakfast table as a desk) issued this statement to People:

"Bethenny and Jason are proud to welcome their new baby girl, Bryn Hoppy, born at 8 a.m. . . . in New York City. She is a 4 lb. 12 oz., healthy baby. Bryn, mom, dad and [their dog] Cookie are all very happy."

I know 4lbs sounds tiny, but that's a couple more pounds less than Alex McCord weighs and she's completely healthy and mentally stable. Actually, really bad example. Scratch that.

And somewhere in New York, Jill Zarin is crying and moaning to her husband Bobby about how Bethenny didn't call her as soon as the first drop of baby juice came out of her snatch. If Jill's mouth goes dry from whining so much, she should lick the grease off of Bobby's hair to get right again.

For the past few months, Hilarie Burton (TRL VJ turned One Tree Hill actress) and Jeffrey Dean Morgan have been hiding a secret baby in the bottom drawer of their dresser. UsWeekly says that Hilarie gave birth to their secret love child months ago and hasn't really told anyone about it. Hilarie and Jeffrey's neighbor suddenly know the real reason why they heard baby cries in the middle of the night. At the time, they figured that Hilary and Jeffrey were just doing role playing shit.

A source tells UsWeekly that the two started banging in 2009 and shit moved fast. Hilarie wasn't photographed between May 6, 2009, and April 20, 2010.

A rep hasn't confirmed or denied the secret love child news.

JDM already has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship.

First Sandra Bullock comes clean about her down low baby, and now these two? Everybody's got a damn underground child! Hell, I should check under my bed and behind my refrigerator to make sure I don't got one of those pesky secret love babies hiding somewhere. If I did, that would explain the random poop dribbles on my bathroom floor. I thought I was just sleepshitting again.