The "Who Cares?" News

BABIES!!! Minnie Driver popped out a little baby boy last Friday in Los Angeles. Minnie already has a mouse name, so she decided to give her son one too. She has named him Henry Story Driver. He weighed in at 9 lbs., 12 oz.

Henry Story sounds like the name of a little librarian mouse who rides a little bike, reads little books, works at a little library, lives in a little tree trunk house and eats little cucumber sandwiches on little Sunday afternoons. Sort of like Stuart Little, but smartier. Yes, smartier.

38-year-old Minnie hasn't said who Henry Story's daddy is, but said he would be involved in his life. I think Henry Story's daddy is Simon Westward from Circle of Friends. Who could resist his hot ass? And I think I just admitted that I actually love Circle of Friends. Circle of Gross. It's my favorite movie to watch while eating Oreos in bed.

Deborah Lin is my favorite ho of the day! The 40-year-old "former model" married 46-year-old James Gandolfini in her hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii yesterday. The gold diggers are taking over the world. Watch out BABIES!!!

Okay, Deborah might not be a gold digger, but would you marry Tony Soprano if he didn't have money coming out of his chunky ass? Answer me that!

The two became engaged late 2007 after going public with their relationship earlier in the year.

The wedding was attended by a bunch of hos. Deborah was a dress. James wore a tuxedo. They ate cake and they danced. Typical wedding shit. A witness told People, "It was amazing. James ate the whole fucking cake in one gulp! I've never seen anything like that before." No, the witness said, "There was a nice big kiss at the end with both hands on the cheeks. They looked great."

Well done, Deborah! Although, she's working hard for that money! Her arms must be sore as fuck from having to hold up James' FOPA while riding his willy all the time.

Katherine Hei-Hei-Heeeeeeeeeiiigggl is a criminal and should be in the chokey making government cheese sandwiches on the radiator. You see, Heigl was busted by a cop on a bike for throwing her ratty ciggie to the ground after lunching at the delicious eatery known as P.F. Chang's. Get this shit. Heigl was able to talk herself out of a ticket. NOT RIGHT!

A source told Star Magazine, "The officer told Katherine to pick up the butt and throw it away in the trash, 10 feet away. He added that he'd fine her next time he catches her tossing trash on the sidewalk." Heigl is a big piece of trash, so the cop should have ordered her into the nearest dumpster!

Seriously, that cop should get his badge taken away and demoted to desk duty. I just checked the official law book of all laws and it states that any blonde-haired witch with the name Katherine Marie Heigl who throws a ciggie to the ground must automatically be sent to prison for life without parole. It also states that she must have her mouth sewn up.

If you don't believe me, just ask Smokey Bear! Here's an extremely creepy Smokey Bear ad featuring Joanna Cassidy. Smokey watches us all at night. I know it.

Look at Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn! They are laughing their perfectly shaped ass lips off because they are so beautiful and so fertile, and we're not! They need to shut their lips and go back to the Ralph Lauren ad they came from.

With all the baby announcements going on, I'm starting to lose track on who's knocked up and who's popped. I could have sworn on my Pee Chee folder that Angie and Jason already announced they were bringing another perfect baby into this cruel world. I guess I was wrong. They already have two daughters, Finely and Avery. Expect their third child to be named Moray, Beasely or Tinsley.

Their pr whore issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The couple originally denied reports that they were pregnant in an attempt to take back the right to release the joyous news themselves." Oh joy! Another baby. BABIES!!!

Speaking of BABIES!!!, when is Gwen Stefani going to finally give birth? She's been pregnant for yeeeeeaaaars! Baby is smart. Baby should stay in there as long as possible. Shit, I'd crawl in there if I could. It's warm and she probably has cable.

Catherine Keener and Benicio Del Toro are licking each other's no-no holes on the down low, so says OK! Magazine (via SP). Some ho watched the two act all couple-like will eating at the Green Door in Los Angeles last week.

The witness said, "He whispered into her ear, and she listened with rapt attention. He brushed his hand on her back. They had nice chemistry." Rapt? Did Edgar Allan Poe rise from the dead to witness this shit?

I mean, if the word "rapt" is involved, they are obviously fucking. The last person I listened to "with rapt attention" ended up giving me a sorry case of crabs.

These two may seem a bit odd together, but they make sense to me. Isn't Catherine best girlfriends with Brad Pitt? And Benicio sort of looks like Brad Pitt. If you take a shot of whiskey, squint your eyes, turn your head upside down, and play with yourself at the same time - he will look like Brad.

Matthew Broderick and SJP just so happened to run into the paps as they left a restaurant together in NYC last night. Please, you know those bitches texted the paps. I would say call, but who does that anymore?

Last week, Star Magazine claimed Matthew is having an affair with a chick. Yes, a woman. A biological woman. Obviously, since SJP and Matthew are out together, this must mean their marriage is just peachy.

I'm surprised Matthew didn't grab SJP, dip her, suck on her pony lips, and declare his love for her in front of everyone. Shit, they should have just done fuckey fuckey times in front of the paps, so everyone would know that their marriage isn't in the troff.

And what is going on with Matthew? He used to be semi-cute, right? Now he just looks like he spends way too much time in his basement, watching really kinky gay porn while eating an entire box of Vanilla Wafers.

Also, I didn't know they were Buddhists. Isn't the white string a Buddhist thing? I should become a Buddhist. I like white strings.

And they said it wouldn't last. Well, they were fucking right. The hairytale (typo, but it stays) romance of "The Bachelor's" Matt Grant and Shayne Lamas has ended. Even Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels could see this coming.

They told People, "We tried hard to make it work but we realized that we were both heading in different directions. We truly care about each other and will remain close friends."

What would be more shocking is if a "Bachelor" couple actually made it past the first year. I blame that fug ass bath puff in Shayne's hair. Anybody who wears a bath puff in their hair has serious emotional problems.

Don't be surprised when ABC announces Shayne as the next "Bachelorette." It's supposed to happen this way. Personally. I'd rather see Shayne's stunning mother, Michele Smith, as the next "Bachelorette."

Meth faced Ethan Hawke and his new wifey, Ryan Shawhughes, had a baby last Friday in NYC reports UsWeekly. Her name is MyDaddyIsACheatingSkeeze Hawke. No, her name is Clementine Jane Hawke. Like the orange or like the song. "Oh my Darling, oh my Darling, oh my Darling Clementine!"

Ethan and Ryan met while she worked as his nanny when he was still married to Uma Thurman. They made it legal last month. Clementine is Ethan's third kid.

If this dumb bitch needs to hire a nanny, she better use the Fug & Fat Manny Agency. I don't know if there is such a thing, but there should be.

Batman was arrested yesterday for assaulting his mommy and everyone's got a story to tell about what he really happened on Sunday night. Christian Bale's mommy and sissy issued a statement saying they weren't going to talk about it. They said they didn't personally call the police, but they aren't going to give anymore statements because "it's a family matter."

The Daily Mail claims Christian completely flipped out on Sunday night after his mommy insulted his wifey. A source said, "Christian was stressed, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him, and his wife."

The source said that Christian's marriage is in trouble and his relationship with his mother sucks, so it just all came to a head that night. Christian has already denied the assault allegations.

TMZ also has a story about Christian freaking out on the set of "Terminator 4" last Friday. He apparently screamed at the cinematographer, "I will kick your ass." Meh.

Basically, Christian has a temper, his family might be annoying, they had a very loud argument, someone called the police, he was arrested, he was released and that's that. It just sounds like a typical episode of "Cops," but with British accents. So an extremely classy episode of "Cops."

Also, did you know his mommy used to be a clown? I'm not sure if that means anything or not, but now I picture her dressed as a sad clown during their entire argument.

The Daily Mail thinks My Little Pony Parker finally got her witch's mole removed. Matthew Broderick probably couldn't take it anymore, so he finally chewed it off. She showed up to the MLB All-Star game at Yankees Stadium last night without her mole.

You can still see a small mark. Maybe she covered that shit up or maybe she removed it for medical reasons. What am I saying? Who really gives an eff?! Although, I will miss the mole. The mole made her look even more like Witchie Poo. Witchie Poo is a hot bitch.

And I don't know about the mole, but her prune hands look like they've been soaking in the bath for fucking years. Bitch needs some cocoa butter.