The "Who Cares?" News
For some bizarrely strange reason unknown to everybody including me, I've been following Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp's every single move as a dusty new couple, so here they are holding hands while going to the Whitney Museum and a restaurant in NYC today. My therapist would probably say this is my way of holding onto the 90s with both hands since my life was so uncomplicated back then. It's true. The most complicated thing I had to worry about back then was how to get home from a rave after my friend's left me staring at a bunny sticker on the bathroom wall for 4 hours right. Yes, illegal drugs were involved.
Anyway, here's to Meg and John: 2011's GREATEST COUPLE (not really). Well, they're the year's greatest couple unless Goober comes out with a peanut butter and Fluff swirl. But until then, Meg and the miniature Harry Hamlin need to bask in this shit!
Yes, I know I'm following a major WHO THE DICK CARES story with another WHO THE DICK CARES story, but the celebwhores you sort of kind (but not really) care about are clenching their wombs and hiding their engagement rings until after the holidays so that they can have your undivided (but not really) attention then. So this is the news we have to deal with today. It might go down easier than a blended fruit cake with a splash of rum.
People brings us the news that Constantine Maroulis' girlfriend Angel Reed birthed out a 6lb baby girl late last night. A baby girl that probably slid right out if she inherited her father's ability to naturally seep out grease from his pores. Connie and Angel gave her the name Malena James and he had this to say about becoming father for the first time:
"Sometimes Christmas comes early and we're so lucky to get the greatest gift a few days early. Angel and I are thrilled to welcome our perfect baby girl into the world today. Mom and baby are healthy and I couldn't be more excited to ring in 2011 this way."
Yes, a true Christmas gift! And a gift for Baby Malena who gets to see this punchable face every single day.
Well, now we know who's going to be female heavyweight champion of the world in 2030.
Cisco Adler, who is solely famous for Slinky Nuts™, has found somebody out there who actually wants to marry him. Another Christmas miracle! UsWeekly says that Mischa Barton's ex-fuck time partner is going to marry his model girlfriend and chin twin Barbara Stoyanoff. A source says they are happy BLAH BLAH BLAH and are going to get married sometime this February.
I know there's not a care in your being that is interested in wrapping around anything Cisco Adler-related, but I covered this non-story just so we could gaze at his (NSFW) low-hanging crotch cocoons again. Congrats to Cisco! He finally found a woman who doesn't mind when his nuts hit her in the chin while he hits it from the back. And a woman who doesn't mind that he has to stand on a 10-feet latter to tea bag her.
David Archuleta, the 19-year-old Monchhichi fetus who almost won American Idol, tells Singapore's XIN MSN that he's never ever been kissed on the mouth. Two things. #1: Maybe he's never had the chance to put his mouth on another because his creepy father is always stuck on him like crabs on a Hilton. #2: Maybe he subscribes to Vivian Ward's rule that you can do everything but kiss on the mouth. You know, maybe he's a major pig slut who has done everything from scrambling internal organs with a dildo to shit that involves shaved gerbils slathered in generic Crisco (don't visualize those things or the Monchhichi Protective Services might knock on your door). Who knows, but I do know that Michael Vartan needs to get on the case!
via Wow Report
Keith Richards has struck again! When mud monster Keef isn't striking fear into the hearts of Swedish journalists, or chasing American teenagers in their nightmares, he's murdering orchids! According to Page Six, Marie d'Origny, the deputy director of The New York Public Library, came running out of her office screaming BLOODY FUCKING MURDER when she found her small orchid dead! As the orchid lay there quivering on her desk, Marie put her ear up to its column as it weakly cooed out, "Keef did it." DAMN THAT KEEF!
Just days before Marie's orchid died a slow death, Keef was in her office waiting to go on stage for a live interview. Smoking is illegal in the library, but Keef can do whatever the hell he wants so he lit up a cig and dropped his ashes into the clay saucer underneath the orchid. The smoke choked out the orchid and it never recovered. And staring into the eye of the gargoyle Medusa didn't help either.
In Keith's defense, orchids are fragile as fragile can be. Someone gave me an orchid once and that bitch died within a day. It wasn't about to go out like Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. All parched and thirsty and shit. Nope, it knew its fate so it pulled its own plug early. Don't get me wrong, Keith could split a catcus by flinching at it too fast, but the orchid is still the Chace Crawford of plants.
Taylor Momsen can think that her "broiling dog nuts" ways have earned her the title of the hardest toddler of all-time and forever, but she needs to sit on her potty trainer and think about how she can try harder. Because a little before Taylor's dad accidentally ignored her mother's "DON'T CUM IN ME!!!!!!1!!" pleas, James Franco was ruling his junior high school with his skilled bad bitch moves. During an interview with the hunk of PBS James Lipton for Inside the Actors Studio, James talked about he entered a life of crime at a young age. Yup, you're afraid of him. From Page Six:
"I guess my life of crime started by stealing cologne. We'd keep them [cologne sample bottles] in the locker, in our gym locker at school and we'd sell some from the lockers."
So what James Franco is really trying to say is that he was a teen Avon Lady. The high school gangster version of Mary Kay. If James sold 12 bottles of hot cologne in a month, did his partners in crime paint his bike pink and add a pair of burgundy tassels to his handlebars? Where the fuck was James during my junior high years? He'd be the type to steal a half-used bottle of Skin So Soft from the powder room of his mom's best friend's house and give it to you for Christmas. Don't act like you're not swooning in the loins.
AND James also had this to say about the time he dropped out of UCLA and worked at McDonald's to support himself: "In the drive-through window . . . I would practice accents."
I don't know what's more shocking, that Brendon and Rachel from Big Brother 12 are still together (or were, I should really type) or that he's dumb enough to flash his dick on Skype without thinking it's going to be broadcast all over the internet? That second question is rhetorical, by the way. Rachel, the hyena whose screeching voice could give a deaf person a migraine, and Brandon, her whipped boyfriend, broke up the other day after she found out he was cyber fucking with at least three pieces.
One of those pieces, released a picture of Brendon's peen puckering up for his web cam and when it came across Rachel's desk she immediately Twatted the girl to get the bottom of EVERYTHING. ONTD has been documenting this ongoing drama and has screencapped Rachel's Twitter plea (which she has since deleted):
Rachel packed up her cases of Feria and carried the pieces of her broken heart all the way back to Las Vegas. While riding in his lonely inner tube for one in the shallow puddle created by Rachel's tears of betrayal, Brendon recorded a woeful public apology for passing his peen on Skype. AHAHAHAHA! This shit is better than the entire season of BB12.
If this monologue was set to music, it would be a Stevie B song. Watch the Ballad of the Sad Pussy below:
All of this for just web cam whoring?! How did these two get college degrees when they are permanently stuck in the 9th grade? I swear, Rachel probably made the water in a test tube turn green once and now she thinks she's a fancy scientist!
Oh, and I can totally read your mind. You've been internally screaming "WHERE'S THE PEEN? WHERE'S THE PEEN? WHERE'S THE PEEN?" since this post started. Well, (NSFW) here's the peen! That's a good dick attached to a big fat vagina.
Lindsay Lohan's doctors at Betty Ford have allowed her to leave her sober living facility for 15 whole hours so that she can spend the day with the shaved and deep fried turkey known as Michael Lohan! Gobble gobble gross. TMZ says that LiLo will drive from Palm Springs to Los Angeles to feast with her friends and her on-and-off again father. LiLo must be back in her bed at Betty Ford by tonight, OR ELSE her counselors will punish her by only letting her get a manicure during their therapy sessions instead of a mani AND a padi. Burn.
And while Michael and Lindsay give thanks to the TMZ tip line, on-call paparazzos, mesh shirts, cell phone clips, and the sober baby who pees in a cup for her every week for drug testing, White Oprah will be celebrating without her main ho.
White Oprah was hoping LiLo would be allowed to travel to New York for the holiday, but obviously that's not going to happen. Poor White Oprah. When she passes out under the kids' table with an empty bottle of Wild Turkey hanging out of her mouth, who's going to drag her to the bathroom and hold her straw hair as she yacks up pureed Stove Top stuffing? Nobody does it like LiLo! Doesn't Betty Ford care about TRADITION?!!!
TO A WOMAN!
And here's a name I didn't think I'd hear from again unless it was followed by the words "arrested in a glory hole raid, reports The National Enquirer." UsWeekly confirms that Dean Sheremet, the dude LeAnn Rimes dropped to ride on Eddie Cibrian's dick full time, is promised to be married to his photographer girlfriend Sarah Silver. Dean slipped a ring on Sarah's finger on Friday morning in their NYC apartment. Dean used to dance for a living but now he's an expert at handling raw fish as a chef at Nobu.
You know he's only marrying her ass so that he can take her last name and become DAVID SILVER, his icon. He's soooo going to sing "Be, Be, Be My Love" as his vows. This is a valid reason for marriage.
And since the Falcor of Mississippi lives for a reason to blow the Twitter bird, she Tweeted out her congratulations and also claimed that she's not trying to redirect Dean's spotlight on her. LeAnn had this to say:
Congrats to @deansheremet and @sarah_silver on your engagement! A little birdie told me the happy news last night. Wishes for a life full of happiness.
@mar_ine my congrats is from my heart. Sorry if you don't understand it. I do not need the publicity, I get plenty. please stop passing judgement
Uh huh. LeAnn has already "stolen" a bitch's husband, 50% from 100% , and now she's stealing Dean Rainbow Sherbet's shine! Nail everything down, because LeAnn is stealing everything up in here!
I'd like to think that Lindsay Lohan stowed away in a dirty laundry cart and jumped out of a moving van once it drove past the security gate at Betty Ford, but apparently the rehabbers are let out daily. Radar says that LiLo usually goes to Starbucks in Palm Desert, CA since one of the baristas there is a part-time dealer who sinks a tiny baggie of the bad shit into her Venti Frapp (that's a good trick actually), but she went to Forever 21 instead the other day. You know, because licking the ink from a broken security tag might give you a quick high.
The store manager (I really can't) tells Radar what LiLo spent $200 on, "Lindsay came in two days ago with another young woman. Lindsay kept to herself, but was friendly. Lindsay bought a leopard sweater, a lot of pajama bottoms, and a ton of socks. Her choices were for leisure wear. Lindsay spent about $200 total and she paid for the items herself. We were surprised that Lindsay was so low key. The only thing she asked us to do was to hold some of the items at the front until she was finished picking things out."
Usually whenever a bitch drags me to Forever 21 (which strangely enough is fairly often), I have to make sure that I'm medically or alcoholically numb enough to deal with their music doing wrong things to my ear drums. So that LiLo bitch is stronger than me (or the licking the ink thing is what works for her).
(Image via twitpic)