The "Who Cares?" News

Vanilla Gorilla has used his hailin' fist to beat down the rumor that his engagement to Katherine von Drachenberg is no more. Life & Style ran story claiming that Vanilla Gorilla told his friends that Kat Von D is too much drama and he's not interested in making her the fourth wife he'll totally fuck over in the worst way. But Vanilla Gorilla told People that there's no trouble trashadise and everything's going according to plan. In fact, VG tells People that he and Kat Von D will beat the dead carcass that is marriage by becoming husband and wife on their one-year anniversary as a couple:

"We're still going strong. Things are completely good with us. That day can't come soon enough! Everything is on track. I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She's the one for me."

Of course their one-year anniversary is in August. Most big cities in August reek of grilled dog shit, baked kitty litter, rancid hamburger juice and dirty flip-flop butter so nobody will notice when the disgusting fumes of trash waft from VG and Kat's lips during their first kiss as a married couple. No, seriously, if VG insists on trying to make marriage work for him, I'll tell him the same thing I tell my Chihuahua when he tries to butt hump a Labrador at the dog park: "Have fun trying, bitch, because it's never going to happen."

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe Simpson is furiously gluing the beads on Jessica Simpson's bridal pasties while yelling at the team from Spanx to make her wedding dress faster, because he needs to marry off his daughter in the next few days so that she gets the cover of all the magazines and Tony Romo doesn't! As Jessica bawled into a bowl of cake soup, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo married Chace Crawford's sister Candice in front of 600 people in Dallas, TX yesterday. Yes, a professional football player married a pageant queen turned news anchor in Texas. The theme of the wedding was obviously: STEREOTYPES! I hope Candice loves a mug full of chardonnay in the morning, because ho is a Kathie Lee Gifford in-the-making.

People reports that after Tony took at least 20 minutes to lift the veil over his bride's head (it took about 19 minutes to clear her forehead) for their wedding kiss, their guests ate short ribs and pizza in the reception tent. The guests also got a gift bag that included: a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted treats from Great One Cookies, a Mix of the Month CD by DJ Lucy Wrubel, a miniature bottle of Moet champagne, a box of Dude Sweet Chocolates, gourmet popcorn, chips and salsa, "Killer Pecans" from Bandera Foods, Voss bottled water, and an assortment of Kiehl's beauty and body products.

That gift bag is pretty fitting, because I'm sure that last night Jessica's gold digging fiance Eric Johnson used her Neiman Marcus credit card to buy canary diamond cuff links while she sat in the changing room, dipping tear-stained cookies into champagne and salsa.

I can't wait to see the pictures of Chace Crawford throwing precious flutters with his eyes down the aisle. Who needs a flower girl when you've got Chace Crawford?

Yes, it's come to this. Again. We're back to sticking our ultrasonic magnifying glasses over January Jones' uterus to see who her fetus baby looks like. Mark Burnett should really turn this into a full-fledged, prime-time game show. In the meantime....

The Daily is echoing E! Online's story about how the sperm fish that helped make January's baby came from a dude who worked on X-Men: First Class with her. A source also tells The Daily that January won't drop the name of her baby's father, because he's married!

So if The Daily and E! are speaking the truth, that means he's male, worked on X-Men and has a ring on his taken finger. That leaves Kevin Bacon, Matthew Vaughn, Jason Flemyng, Oliver Platt, James McAvoy and dozens of married crew members on that shit. We're almost there (not really)!

But don't be surprised if we learn that Arnold Schwarzenegger was a silent producer on X-Men about the same time January gives birth to a buff baby who will rip his own umbilical cord off with his bare hands. January Jones is totally this summer's Mildred Baena (but not as hot, obviously).

If I lived in a house, I too would have an exquisitely tacky bootleg statue of Michelangelo's David in my front yard, because I believe that one should get all of their landscape ideas from Norwood Young. But the residents of Lollipop Lane (I can't) in Abilene, Texas do not agree with me, because they are throwing up their hands and calling the local news over a rock hard dick decoration that is tainting their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These complainers must piss through a tiny hole in their taints and only use their genitals for hardcore fucking, because they think a statue of a naked dude is forcing them to talk to their children about sex. One stone peen hater said, "What can you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?" Hmmm. Well, I'm no child psychologist, but I supposed if they ask what thing on David is you could say, "It's a penis." But maybe the word "penis" will cause their ears to fall off and crawl into the bowels of hell to be devoured by Satan's minions. Or they could just tell their children it's a fat worm nibbling on a pair of figs.

But seriously, there's only one way to solve this. The neighbor should get himself a naked cherub statue to place below David. Then the neighbor should turn David into a fountain and make it so that he's pissing onto a cherub's nalgas. That will definitely teach the children that penises are for pissing and not for any sex stuff. CRISIS AVERTED!

By the way, can somebody give me directions to the Doggone Museum, because you know how much I love KITTENS!!! (I'm guessing all dogs are gone from that museum. Yes, I'll hand you the GONG on my way out.)

(Thanks to Bradley M for sending this in!)

Now that we've gotten Obama's "forged with a rollerball pen that wasn't even invented yet" birth certificate out of the way, we can finally focus on the more important headlines of the day, like Blake Lively's hair color! Looking like if Ariel the Little Mermaid left Prince Eric and married a Reno, NV mob boss who made her the manager of the beauty pageant dress shop he uses as a front for illegal activities, Blake Lively showed off her movie role hair color at Time's Most Influential People Gala in NYC last night. Time naming Blake Lively as one of the most influential people in the world is their way of saying: "We needed more big chichis on the list!"

Because really, the only thing that finds Blake Lively influential is a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal left out on a kitchen counter. That bowl of oatmeal keeps hoping that it will be as oatmeal-ey as her one day! But a ho can keep dreaming, because now Blake is a bowl of oatmeal with a delicious apple cinnamon squirt glaze on top.

It was only about six minutes ago when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas took their final bows and closed the curtain on the act called their relationship, and she's already hitting the ho stroll hard with supposed manslut Jared Followill of the Kings of Leon. Relevancy doesn't fall from the sky (unless your name is Rebecca Black Friday), so Ashley is working hard for those clicks and brought Jared along to drive up the picture prices (it didn't). Ashley, her daddy Joe and Jared celebrated International Drunk Day (or as the Irish call it, every day) at Phebe's Tavern in NYC yesterday afternoon before doing the walk of famefucking in front of the paps. Whoring aside, I'm guessing that Jared doesn't pull the "it's getting late and my penis is falling asleep" move when Ashley takes her bra off, so he's definitely an upgrade from Joe Jonas!

And speaking of green, am I the only one who doesn't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. I don't understand why most dumb bitches do? Why would you deny yourself pinches from strangers?! I practically beg for that shit to happen every single night, so March 17th is the one day of the year I don't wear green. When I see a stranger assuming the pinch position with their fingers, I lift up my black shirt and tell them to aim for the nipples. Bring on the pinches!

Reading the ingredients on a bottle of Wite-Out is more exciting than this piece of non-news, but let's do this anyway. Hollywood Life says Miley Cyrus and Jared Followill of Kings of Leon have been texting each other ever since they met at the EMAs last November. Miley is trying to keep Jared interested by not becoming a full blown barebacking sext slut just yet. And Jared keeps texting Miley back, because he's hoping to fulfill his fantasy of bumping on a creature who talks dirty to him in an itchy scratch voice. Yes, Jared is the one who gets the Freddy Krueger soundboard to say: "Eat this pussy, bitch."

A friend of Jared's tells HL, “Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending. He’s such a fan, in fact, he’s been bragging to his friends about her texts! “Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”

We can all smell the duck saliva from here, so they should just fast-forward to the inevitable already. Miley will eventually send him a picture of her flashing undertit while making a duckface. Jared will then leak it to The National Enquirer for a little extra pomade money, and they'll publish it with the text: "MILEY REALLY CAN'T BE TAMED." On Walter Mercado's birthday, we're all future tellers.

And now for my "GET OFF MY LAWN" moment. All these stories about hos spending hours texting each other got me thinking about the old days. I remember when we didn't have the luxury of texting at our leisure for hours on end. We had to work for our conversations. Kids today just don't know how hard we had it. I nearly burned my ear off from talking for hours about nothing to my friend while my sister screamed at me for the phone and my mom used the operator to interrupt my call. Oh shit, remember the classic emergency operator interruption? You knew your ass was in trouble when your mom pulled that shit.

I wish I remember the last emergency interruption my mom made so that I could put it in my memory box. I'd put it right next to the memory of me calling my mom collect from a payphone and telling the operator that my name was "Michael Sears." That way my mom knew to pick me up in front of the Sears at the mall.

The spoiled brats of today need to know that if it wasn't for us wasting the operator's time with our stupid tricks, cell phones and call waiting would never exist!

This might go into the "it's not a secret if nobody cares" pile, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Now, I didn't even know (or I forgot) that Mike Myers marriage to his wife of a million years was ever officially cremated and sprinkled all around the Toronto gay haunts several blind items say he frequents. I also didn't know (or I forgot, the sequel) that Mike Myers picked up a brand new girlfriend, but apparently he did that a long ass time ago and now he's become her husband. Well, this is one way to fuck his name out of all those gay blind items.

Page Six says that 47-year-old Mike married his girlfriend of 5 years Kelly Tisdale, who co-owns the NYC tea shop Teany with her ex-piece Moby, five months ago in a private ceremony in NYC. Mike's rep shook their head "yes" when asked if 30-something Kelly is his wife now.

Everybody and their butt fuck buddy has been screaming from every corner that Wayne isn't exactly shy about how he schwings for schlong, but I don't know if I believe it. I've never seen proof. I mean, I once saw Mike walking down a street in SoHo and he was wearing a navy sweatshirt, CARGO FUCKING SHORTS and some dirty sneakers my mom wouldn't even wear to clean house. My gaydar went to sleep. Maybe he tricked me by wearing an outfit from Tommy Girl's House of Disguises. Who knows.

I am happy about Mike's news, but only because it led me to this picture of him with Kelly at the CIA headquarters. If you squint your eyes and shake your head it sorts of looks like a "Yup, we're gay and we're in love!" People Magazine cover starring Wayne and Garth.

(Image via EW)

It's Saturday and this hangover can't lift anything heavy, so we might as well sit third row in the lukewarm Twatter battle between Arby's employee of the week Ciara and Raggedy Rihanna which went down last night after the former pulled the latter's tail and made that bitch BAAAAAAAH on Twitter.

It all started when Ciara was a guest on E!'s Fashion Police last night and said that Ryan Phillippe's part-time ass licker wasn't all that nice when they ran into each other at a party. Roll that beautiful shade footage:

That was a bitch move of RiRi. Ciara was serving canapes and pigs and a blanket during her side catering job and RiRi couldn't even throw her a "thank you" after she clearing the platter? Rude. And RiRi kept the hair dye-stained rudeness going on Twitter when she scratched at Ciara:

My bad ci, did I 4get to tip u? #howrudeofme
about 14 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

U gangsta huh? Haaa
about 14 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of
about 14 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And then Ciara tried to deliver a double slap to RiRi's tenhead but missed:

Trust me Rhianna u dont want to see me on or off the stage
about 14 hours ago via web

pure comedy...
about 13 hours ago via web

RiRi quickly realized that she doesn't want Ciara spitting in her food the next time she goes to Arby's, so she blew her a totally sarcastic make-up kiss:

Ciara baby, I love u girl! U hurt my feelings real bad on TV! I'm heartbroken! That's y I retaliated this way! So sorry! #letsmakeup about 14 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Just like singing ability, sarcasm is not a friend of Ciara's and she took RiRi's eye roll of an apology as genuine and accepted it.

Is Shanaynay writing RiRi's Tweets for her, because that dirty tampon-headed ho is all sorts of entertaining on Twitter.

And really, Fake Katt Williams said it best TWICE:

But why Ciara trying to fight Rihanna tho? Men aint supposed to hit women.
about 13 hours ago via web

pstt @ciara say sum bout her forehead
about 14 hours ago via web

via MTO (I know, I know)

You can finally move from your post at the grave of Amanda Bynes' old Twitter page where you've been sadly pawing at its memory while thinking about her poignant Tweet about "Barf Bag City," because she has arisen from the ashes! Unretired actress Amanda Bynes announced late last night that she is back to transcribing her poignant brain farts on Twitter! You no longer have to get your fix for "I love black peen" Tweets from Kirstie Alley!

January 26th is definitely the NEW EASTER! "I'm back!!!!! tell everyone!!!!!!" is exactly what Jesus Tweeted three days after his crucifixion! And you better tell EV.ER.RE.BO.DEE that Amanda is back. Add that message to your casual sex Craigslist ad, make it your new e-mail signature and get your dog to piss it onto the snow when you take him/her for a walk later.

Amanda celebrated her return by painting a piece of art for her disciples:

That's pretty much what it's going to look like when you take your dog for a walk later and get him/her to.....forget it.