The "Who Cares?" News

Rachel Bilson, Seth Cohen's forever girl from The OC, and the dude who ruined Darth Vadar are engaged to be married. Their Google search ranking must have fell off the charts, so they decided to pull this. It was either that or a sex tape, but I don't know if Hayden is up for that shit.

Page Six says some dude was on a flight with Rachel and noticed a ring on her finger, so he asked if she was married. She responded, "I'm not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I'm 15, but I'm actually 27." One of Rachel's friends also told People, "They're a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief."

I've heard a queer story about Rachel's new fiance, but the friend who told me could've been on some of the bad shit and mistook Hayden for some random trick. Who knows. My friend said his nutsack smelled like guinea pig poop. Okay, when a friend tells you something like that, it's time to check them off the list and walk away. Their services are no longer needed.

Claire Danes, aka forever Angela Chase to me, is promised to be married to a British actor-type named Hugh Dancy. Hugh is in that Shopaholic movie and was also in the greatest cinematic experience of 2006: Basic Instinct 2. I would marry the bitch for that fact alone.

Well, in case you haven't fallen asleep you at this ultra exciting news, let me tell you that Claire's spokeswhore confirmed the shit to People. 29-year-old Claire and 33-year-old Hugh began slapping each other's private areas a little over a year ago. Wouldn't it be a bitch if homegirl was knocked up and Hugh left her ass for Mary Louise-Parker midway through that shit? Passing the homewrecker baton!

A few summers ago, I saw Angela Chase walking down the street with an umbrella and a half-full Trader Joe's paper bag. That's it. Nothing else happened. Since this post is about her skinny ass, I figured I'd throw in that "who cares" fact. Everyone does that shit to me! The other night, a friend said to me, "I saw Rita Wilson the other day." I responded, "Was the bitch's tits on fire, because why should I care?" And I wonder why I have no friends that actually like me.

Anyway, congrats to these two! Don't let the engagement ring get too settled, because I'm sure that shit is going to come off in a few months. I'm getting major "this ain't gonna last" vibes from these two dehydrated turnips.

I was a little worried when my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and that steaming cup of hot douche water Maksim Chmerkovskiy were pictured holding hands last September. I became a little more worried when Maksim called CHERYL BURKE a fat mop, because that's something douchebags in love say about the object of their affection. I am pleased to announce that Maksim is promised to be married and it's not to Mop Head. It's to Mario Lopez's former beard: Karina Smirnoff Ice.

E! News says that 28-year-old Maksim asked 30-year-old Smirnoff Ice to be his on New Year's Eve. They apparently became loooovers while traveling together on the Dancing with the Has-Beens tour. They are both from Ukraine, so I'm hoping their wedding will be filled with gold, white feathers and rhinestones. Naturally.

I sort of knew they were humping on each other's fake-tanned asses, but this whole "getting married" thing is a little surprising. The thought probably popped into Maksim's pretty little head all of a sudden. He immediately bopped Smirnoff Ice over the head with his club, dragged her to his cave which is covered in pictures of himself (you know it is) and said to her, "You be my wife." If I was to ever get engaged, that's how I want it to go down.

And Karina should get her nose rotated again before the wedding. Her nose is starting to look like a lizard's head and that's not pretty.

Ever since Brit Brit started taking her meds and Daddy Spears became the head of her everything, London has been missing in action. I'm sure I've been annoying everyone with my constant "Where is London?" shit. I figured Brit left him in some gas station bathroom or traded him in for a Slim Jim. It also crossed my mind that maybe London is still hiding in her closet, living off the cheese from Brit's dirty panties.

Well, London is alive! In the new issue of Heat Magazine, a friend said that the original suicide watch dog is living with a family friend, because “everyone thought it would be best for her and London if he were placed elsewhere."

You probably don't give a turkey's dick, but I did! And now I can be at peace knowing that London is safe and sound with Chester Cheetah.

Thanks Katy

It's obvious to everyone that HoHan and SamRo are eating each other's fish biscuits. I mean, if you look close enough you can probably spot one of HoHan's ginge pubies in SamRo's teeth. HoHan sort of admitted it to Harper's Bazaar, but wouldn't name names. HoHan said, "I think it's pretty obvious who I'm seeing."

Even though HoHan is currently doing the labia lambada with SamRo, she doesn't consider herself a full-time lezzie. When asked if she was a lezzzzzzzbian, she said, "No." But when asked if she was bi (wanna try?) she said, "Maybe. Yeah."

Who needs labels anyway?! Sometimes you feel like an Oreo cookie, sometimes you feel like a Vanilla Wafer and most of the time you feel like a Mother's Circus Animal Cookie. That analogy makes no fucking sense (what's new?), but I have Mother's cookies on the brains in a bad way. Seriously, I think I ate like 4 bags this weekend and I only have 4 bags left. I hope the world ends soon, because I don't know what I'm going to do when I eat my last bag.....

VIA Page Six

BritneySpears.com has been posting some amazingly fascinating shit of Our Lady of Cheetos like this video of her working out in her "purdy fancee rum wif shiny balls." That's what she call it.

You know, if I had a trainer and a chef, I'd probably eat healthy and work out too. Okay, no I wouldn't. But you know Brit Brit isn't either. You can't tell from this video, but at the beginning where she's reaching up, her trainer hung bags of Cheetos from the ceiling for her to try and grab. At the end of the work out, they just give them to her.

You see that chick all the way to the left, the blondie? Well, I guess she used to be a member of that group of raggedy tramps who call themselves Danity Kane, but she's not anymore. According to Elvis Duran, Shannon has quit the group after Aubrey O'Day and D. Woods were sent back to the skank factory. Shannon bounced out of that ho party because she was sick of Diddy and all the drama. She was also sick of the other members asking her, "What's your name again?" over and over again. They probably haven't even realized she's gone yet. Oh well, I'm sure you can catch Shannon in a couple of months serving pancakes at some diner in Oregon. Hmmm...pancakes.....

This leaves the group with only two members. Basically, this shit is done here. It's not going to work with only two chicks. Wendy & Lisa they ain't!!!

Now that Diddy has a little more free time, he can work on bringing back together Mickey Mouse Club's "The Party." I listened to their tape (yes, tape) like 5 times this fucking weekend. They are some truly talented individuals. I mean, they can sing, rap and they have hot moves. They need a major comeback. View their hotness below:

This is not the baby name I've been waiting for, but here we go! Marky Mark and his fiancee Rhea Durham had a son a couple of weeks ago and we now have a name. Are your ass cheeks on the edge of your seat? Get ready. You might want to hold on to something. Life & Style reports that they have named him Brendan Joseph. Yeah, you can go back to eating your Bacardi and oatmeal.

Naming their son BJ is living on the edge for Marky and Rhea. I was expecting something like Brian Michael or Michael Michael or Marky Mark Jr.. Little BJ joins Ella Rae and Michael as the Wahlberg children.

What I really, really want to know is what is Jason Lee's daughter's name!? She was born almost two months ago and nobody has reported on a name. Reporters everywhere need to drop everything and go undercover to find out that child's name! I better not see Barbara Walters on "The View" this morning, because bitch should be on the case! She owes it to the world to find out how Jason Lee topped the name Pilot Inspektor!

A couple of days ago it was reported that Cruella de Stone lost joint custody of her older son to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruella's lawyer dude, Marty Singer, claims it was all just a misunderstanding and she still has joint custody.

Fox News reports that Cruella had asked the court for permission to enroll her son in a school near her house in Los Angeles. Her son currently goes to school in Northern California, where he lives with his daddy. The judge obviously felt it was stupid for Cruella's son to be pulled out of school for really no reason, so he rejected her request because he felt Phil "can provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home for the child."

The court documents state that Sharon still has visitation rights and other shit. Something in the milk ain't clean about all of this. Phil can still have sole custody with Sharon getting visitation rights. How could it be a misunderstanding? The better question is: What should I have for lunch?

Remember that story claiming Josh Hartnett was caught on CCT doing sexy times with some chick in the library of a London hotel? Well, Josh isn't happy about the story. He's so unhappy about it that he's suing the Daily Mirror, the newspaper where the story originated from.

Josh denies the incident. During an interview on a British talk show, Josh said, "It's incredible the stories they the come out with. In the States at least they have to make a call to a representative and try to make a reality out of the situation. Over here they just make things up."

They do that in the States? Since when? And I refuse to believe a British tabloid would just make this up! They don't lie! They always tell the truth. If it wasn't Josh Hartnett in the tape, then it had to be another celebrity! I need to believe this. My genitals need to believe this. Wait....does anybody know if David Duchovny was in London recently?

Josh is seeking damages and an apology from the Daily Mirror. Instead of suing their asses, Josh should send them a "thank you" note for keeping his has-been name in the news.

Here's Josh leaving rehearsals for the stage version of "Rain Man" in London. Josh plays the Tommy Girl role in the play version of the movie. No, I'm not joking.