The "Who Cares?" News

Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford, the stars of a trillion blind items, have parted ways and are no longer living together. UsWeekly says that Chace packed up his blow dryer and moved out of the Chelsea apartment he shared with Ed Westwick since they started working on Gossip Girl together. Chace moved into a fancy penthouse in the financial district. The mirror is all his now!

A source says that Chace fluttered out of their nest, because he just couldn't take Ed's slob ways anymore. So I take it that Chace didn't like it when Ed would just bust all over the sheets, roll over and then go to bed. Jizz dust and dried-up ass jelly on the sheets never bothered me, but some hos have weak stomachs.

I have a feeling this is going to hit Ed hard. I hope he prepared for this by recording Chace's sleepy time breathing before he left, so he has something to soothe him to sleep at night.

True story. One of my friends was having a shitty time sleeping after a break up, because he was so used to going to bed with his man. Someone told his ass that he should cover a pillow with his ex's t-shirt and spray his cologne on it. My friend did just that and it worked! It made him look crazier than a Mexican jumping bean, but it worked! Okay, okay, I do the same thing each night, but I cuddle with a silver fox stuffed animal while audio of Anderson Cooper saying "I Wanna Be Your Boo" plays on a loop.

Here's Chuck Bass and foot fetish porn star Leighton Meester on the set of GG yesterday.

The poster couple for Ambien, Tittay Lachey and Vanessa Manilafolders, have quit the love! UsWeekly reports that Nick and Va...zzz...zzzz...zzzz..zzzzz See, even the thought of these two bring the sleepies faster than the soothing sounds of the rainforest. Just reading their names makes you want to fluff up a pillow, put your hand on your crotch and fall asleep! Anyway, surrender to the zzzzs or pop a No-Doz and read on.

Nick and Vanessa started dating right after he split up with Jessica Simpson in 2006. A source said, "It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what's best for both of them."

You know, why can't whores stop with the "we're still friends" noise? Most of us walk away hating our exes in the heart, but still loving them in the genitals. So a more accurate statement would be: "It was an amicable break-up. They are still fucking. This is what's best for both of them." The end.

Are you still awake?

Devout Christian and missionary for famewhores, Horsey Montag, will bare her douche-filled titty balls and silicone oven mitt chocha in Playboy. Horsey's spread will be in the September issue (aka The Whores 4 God issue). A source (*cough*Heidi's vagina*cough*) told People, "There is nudity. It's tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it."

Let me guess, God looked down upon her, opened his arms and said, "Bare those titties for your faith! As your savior, I command you!" Because in case you forgot, Heidi is the lord's servant. That's why she was put on this earth.

But seriously, Spencer Twatt should be the one in Playboy. His snatch is bigger than hers.

Image: Pacific Coast News

I am directing the above comment at myself for continuing to feed the famewhores. Yes, I've read the signs outside of their cages and my mother even told me that throwing them crumbs will only make things worse. The first step is admitting it, right? Actually, I think the first step should be slapping the caca out of me. Dear Mah Boo, my face is ready to be slapped by your hand... or silvah peen.

This is supposedly Twit & Twat arriving at LAX last night after leaving the jungles of Costa Rica and the set of I'm A Stupid Fuck...Oh Who Cares About This SHIT! Or is it them? E! says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are actually still in Costa Rica and will make their grand return to the show tonight. Their prayers to Jesus were answered and the producers took them back after they begged.

So this is just some lame stunt created by the producers to get us to believe that the two dick farts are back in the States. Really? This is the best they could do. There's no way Heidi and Spencer would ever cover their b-holes faces up with that many cameras around. It's against their nature! They hear a flash and their famewhoring gene immediately takes over. It's just like how the sound of someone unzipping forces me to my knees. I'm a total mess in dressing rooms.

And try not spit up any of the sweet nectar out of shock when Twit & Twat's "surprising return" is revealed tonight. Again, I'm directing that comment at myself, because I'm the only dumb bitch who watches this suck show.

Tobey Maguire and his wife thing, Jennifer Meyer, had one of those baby creatures yesterday in Los Angeles. Methinks they both fell asleep during labor, because even they aren't susceptible to their own boredom. But thankfully, they woke up again and managed to push out their second BABY!!!!! Their spokeswhore told People that they had a baby boy. But of course, we don't know the name yet.

Tobes and Jenny already have a 2-year-old daughter they call Ruby. Does this mean they are going to name their son Diamante? Or maybe Rhinestone? Or Dazzles? Yeah, I fucking wish. They are going to bring the bores with a name like Jacob, which is the number one baby name of 2008. AGAIN.

Jacob has held the top spot for boy names for ten years. Jacob is always keeping Michael down. The name Michael hasn't been on top since '98. Which is funny because that's the last time this Michael was on top too if I ain't being too subtle. Yes, I always have to go THERE!

Click here to see the top BABY NAMES!!! of '08.

Sad Clown Baby's daddy j'e' was about to get his ass on a British Airways flight to London on Sunday when an employee told him to cover up his face all ten million of his arm tattoos or else he wouldn't be able to fly. Joel Madden Twittered about the whole ordeal. Eventually, Joel gave in by covering up, so he could make his flight. British Airways hates tattoo people. Yes, discrimination still exists today. Fight the man!

British Airways tells TMZ that they are flab-flab-flabbergasted about this ridiculousness. They have called for the head of the employee who forced Joel to cover up his art and made him cry in the corner. A rep said, "We don't understand why the employee took it upon himself to enforce regulations that don't exist."

In the employee's defense, he probably recognized Joel Madden as Benji's brother. The same Benji Madden who used to stick his peen into Wonky McValtrex's toxic dump vagina. Unfortunately for Joel, in some countries guilt by association will land you in quarantine. The employee was just thinking of the innocent people on the plane! Or maybe the employee's ex-girlfriend told him she was fucking his brother while a Good Charlotte song was playing and now he has hate in his heart for the band forever. Yeah, probably the latter.

File this under: Why am I even wasting bandwidth on this hot-blooded douchery? Yeah, brilliant question. I'm just doing this crap to get it out of my inbox and into the compost pile where it belongs.

Yesterday afternoon, those of you that live in the Los Angeles area were probably wondering why the air smelled like a dirty tampon lying in a dumpster on a scorching hot August afternoon. The answer is simple: Heidi and Spencer got "married" in Pasadena for like the ten millionth time or something. Surprisingly, the activists that believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman did not picket this wedding! I mean, this was not a wedding between a man and a woman. Shit, it wasn't even a wedding between a human and a human.

I won't make you dry heavey with the details. I'm sure you just want to know if either a) they both turned into a pile of ass dust after kissing in a church, b) a flock of doves pecked their eyes out as they left the church or c) instead of tossing the bouquet, both Heidi and Spencer tossed their reproductive organs into a pit filled with hongray wolves. None of these things happened, because the world is a cruel and ugly place.

If you are really hating yourself this morning and want to see pictures, just google "I should be shot for googling this" and VOILA!

The biggest famesluts who ever roamed this earth are getting married this weekend WITHOUT securing the exclusive picture rights with a celebrity weekly. If Twit and Twat do ANYTHING and a tabloid isn't there to capture the queef-inducing moment, did it really happen? Shallow thoughts.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that UsWeekly, People, InTouch, Life & Style, the Summer's Eve marketing department and Horse & Hound all refused to pay the amount these two fart bubbles wanted. The only magazine that offered up anything was OK!, but Heidi and Spencer turned that deal down. Instead, they are going to get a photo agency to take all the pictures which they will sell to all the weeklies. A source said, “They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing."

If anybody pays more than a crotch nugget for this puketorial, then they paid too much! Besides, this wedding is going to be as real as the first one. The last time I checked, a peroxide-eating dildo and a special needs dwarf pony couldn't legally get married in California.

And if anybody has Mother Nature's weekend phone number, please call her up and let that bitch know we're going to need an F5 tornado to crash that party.

It wasn't just a bad nightmare, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker really did break up! Yes, I know you woke up this morning, hoping it was just the cruelest April Fool's Joke ever. But don't take a pair of safety scissors to your wrist to stop the pain, because that's not what Shanna wants. No, she wants you to pay attention to her! Only she says she doesn't. But she does. Just don't let her know that you know that. The famewhore is playing hard to get it.

In a new post on MySpace, Shanna blamed Travis for e-mail fucking with other whores and said his friends were slagging her off on blogs and shit. Shanna never addresses the rumors that she blew the bagpipes of a certain hot piece of Scottish meat. I'm guessing Shanna didn't bring his name up, because she can't type it without her ass lips clapping like it's someone's birthday. I don't think anyone can type Gerard Butler without - Oh! There goes me. And here goes Shanna's full rant. Cross your eyes (it makes more sense that way) and read away:

I really thought the days of my personal relationship being played in the public eye were over. just so there is no confusion or "source" to attack my character, I am saying my side.

Travis and I were very much together in September when the horrific crashed happened, not only did I fly to Georgia I stayed by his side the entire stay and also for the bus ride home to LA, I think any human being with a heart and for the love of any good friend , never mind father of their children and lover would do the same, After arriving in LA and getting settled in the new hospital, I came across numerous romantic emails with MANY other woman, some famous , some I personally knew, all heart breaking. and the woman involved you know who you are and should be ashamed of yourself. I also came across emails where employees of my ex were writing comments on gossip networks like TMZ and Perez Hilton, attacking me as a woman and a mother. I Think those were more painful then the infidelities. As anyone can imagine, I was devastated, this is when I stopped going to the LA hospital, I knew and made sure even after what I learned he had a strong support system in place with friends and family, and I made it clear to them why I would be dismissing myself, at that point with the new information revealed to me I considered myself SINGLE and thou In my heart hoped we would remain friends and good parents had no intentions of getting back together. It was a painful time that no one unless they had lived it has the right to judge. Any actions I may or may have not done after this time, mean nothing.

I have been attacked by my Ex and his friends in the press for years at this point, my ability as a mother ( which to me is the cruelest thing you can do to any mother) my character and my integrity. I have never verbally bashed him as a father. I didn't even bash him after the infamous blogs years ago, I have never went on different social networks and made campaigns of hate and slander, In fact MANY times I have had to bite my tongue and try to be the bigger person. I have tried to always put the lives and thoughts and feelings of my children first. I am by no means an angel, and I have made many mistakes, but a woman can only turn her cheek so many times.

"No Comment" just wasn't sufficent this time when people continue to lie and distort the truth. the sad part is, the truth really isn't that juicy or news worthy, it's sad and I wish it had been left behind closed doors. I am a human being and the bashing has taken it's toll.

hope your all happy.
s.

I know the bashing is taking its toll on her as a human being, but it should be "you're." I KNOW! I'm the last whore on this fucking internet planet who should be calling a bitch out for that kind of shit, but I couldn't help it. I get to be the copy editor for once. Let me have my moment.

And I'm sure that by the time I hit "publish" on this bitch, Shanna's ass lips will be clapping all over Travis' mouth during a make-up salad tossing.

This is some shit about Kim Hotrick, so throw it in the IDGAF pile and walk away if you can't be bothered. If you can, then examine this picture that has been making the rounds of Kim with a tattoo on her ass banging finger that might be the latest piece of the "Who is Big Poppa" puzzle.

And no, the glittery piece with the sexy legs and equally ravishing gap tooth hugging on Kim is not Big Poppa. Actually, I think that's NeNe without her wig on. They made up. NO! That was a hurtful joke. I love NeNe. She's still in line to be my ho of honor at my wedding to Mah Boo.

The tattoo on Kim's finger apparently says "Lee" as in Lee Najjar. I thought it was pretty much confirmed that Big Poppa is indeed Lee Najjar. I have gotten e-mails from every whore and their dildo dealer swearing on their prized butt plug that Lee is Big Poppa. But I guess this just another flea on the wig.

Below is a picture of Lee and his wife unit who kind of looks like a prettier version of the Millionaire Matchmaker. And I think her fur coat used to live on top of Kim's head. Lee ripped it off, threw it in a bowl of RIT and gave it to his wife.

Now you can go back to rubbing your no-no to that sparkly hunk of unicorn meat with Kim.