The "Who Cares?" News
In about two weeks, I'll say goodbye to cursing at hos under my breath for walking so damn slow in front of me and I'll say hello to cursing at a ho in the car in front of me for actually stopping at a stop sign instead of doing the slow roll like normal drivers do. Since Amanda Bynes has moved to NYC, the streets of Los Angeles are a little bit safer (not really), so it's a good time for me to pick up my dog, bong and rubber dongs and move back for now. I'm mostly doing it because I've been here over 10 years and need a change, but I'm mostly doing it because I can't resist the lure of a weed card, In-N-Out and possibly witnessing Angelyne make copies of her headshot at Kinko's. So get out your gas masks, L.A., because here I come.
When I told one of my friends about this, he's like, "Ewwww, aren't you afraid you're going to lose your NYC edginess?!" First of all, why do I have a friend that says shit like "NYC edginess"? Second of all, whatever "NYC edginess" I have I got from watching HGTV all night while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole, so that's not going to change. Because when I'm in my 1-bedroom Studio City apartment (or whatever), I plan on spending my nights watching HGTV while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole.
But you know, maybe he's right about this whole "moving to California" thing not being a good idea. I mean, when I'm driving down the street am I going to come in contact with shiny happy people who sing love songs for their husband while riding a bike?! That would ruin my life and is possibly a deal breaker.
One California bride spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot of energy on declaring her love for her new husband in a YouTube video that Gawker says she pimped out to the Huffington Post. Here's the description of this vom-inducing declaration of love from YouTube:
"This surprise wedding music video was created for my husband Todd Evan Krieger in Venice Beach, California and unveiled for him at our wedding reception in Santa Fe, New Mexico."
We should all be so lucky as to find something we love as much as this, but DAMN! Shit like this makes me want to fuck a million husbands and ruin a million marriages. This is why home wreckers do what they do. Love is a helluva drug, especially because it makes you sing out shit like "macchiatos in the hood."
If I ever love something so much that it makes me sing shit like this on a YouTube video, please kidnap me, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive me to the airport and put me on the next flight going far, far away. Separate me and that thing I love by more than one ocean. It's for my own good.
Kate Bosworth, the upside down broom that Hollywood decided to turn into an actress, has been rubbing her unflavored bits all over writer, director and actor Michael Polish of Twin Falls Idaho for about a year now and it seems like he's put a hitchin' ring on her skin-covered phalange. Kate wrote some post about her trip to Seoul, South Korea for Vogue and in it, she called MP her "fiancé." What does it all mean? Does this mean Kate Bosworth is engaged?! ("Yes, it means she's engaged and yes, answering questions about Kate 'Non-Muthafuqin Factor' Bosworth's personal life tells me that I need to spend my brain power on more important things like reading the ingredient list on a box of Knox Gelatine." - you) Here's what Kate wrote:
On our first day in Seoul, my fiancé, Michael Polish, and I venture out to discover Changdeokgung Palace. As soon as we enter, it is like magically being transported to a different world—this awe-inspiring, sprawling place was originally built in 1405. We explore ancient towers, pavilions, and the beautiful “secret gardens,” and the feeling is serene, peaceful, and ancient. What is interesting about Seoul is the juxtaposition between modern-day skyscrapers, towering over ancient preserved buildings.
Kate used to regularly see the faces of all the Norse gods right before she came thunderbolts while riding Mount ASkars, so any trick she humps after that is going to be a major downgrade. With that being said, bitch did good for herself. In almost every picture I see of Kate, she looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. In almost every picture I see of MP, he looks cold, wilty from not eating food things and on the verge of asking you for a cigarette. They're perfect each other! Together, they can look cold and hungry while they ask strangers for two cigarettes.
Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.
But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.
So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.
The Daily Mail has a picture of Homewrecker Hall of Fame recipient Sienna Miller sipping on what looks like a flute of champagne in Portofino, Italy the other day. It could be a fancy kind of sparkling chamomile tea that calls for an extra fancy glass, but it's probably carbonated sweet nectar. Sienna is on a "babymoon" with her fiancé Tom Sturridge and one of her friend tells InTouch Weekly (via Celebitchy) that she's been lubricating her tonsils with wine (GASP!) and champagne (GASP! GASP!).
Sienna's friend said that it's not like her unborn baby is going to stumble out of her vagina saying shit like, "Yooooooo knows what yer problems is?!" The friend said that she's just sipping, “Sienna is European and it’s common there for a pregnant woman to have a glass of wine or champagne. She’d never do anything to harm her unborn baby.”
Is it really just a European thing, though? I thought it was an international thing especially since more and more women are chomping on their placentas after giving birth. And any chef will tell you that meat is most delicious when braised in wine. SO DRINK UP!
On another note, are we really using the phrase "babymoon" now? Why don't you just gag me with a CROC? It'll bring the barfs up faster. Not only does "babymoon" sounds like something a prankster baby does, but it also sounds like "Over the Moon's" equally gross first cousin. Can we not?
On another nother note, what is Tom Sturridge's ass trying to accomplish with that updon't? Is he really trying to look like a skinny hipster sumo wrestler? Can he not?
Levi Johnston's brain is made of dried moose shit and his decision making skills are as broke as the condom he wore during his first time with Bristol, but you'd think he'd try to be considerate when it comes to giving his unborn daughter a name she has to live with until she's old enough to crawl to the courthouse to change it. But nope! Levi is still trashier and dumber than ever. Levi and the trick he knocked up, Sunny Oglesby, tell Inside Edition (via HuffPo) that they have decided to give their daughter the name of a morning shift cocktail waitress at a strip club/gun shop (or the name of the villain's mistress in a low-budget Bond parody starring Tom Selleck). The name they are writing on her birth certificate is:
BREEZE BERETTA JOHNSTON!!!!!
A name that makes you think of Chris Breezy and Robert Blake at the same time is not a name you should give to an innocent child you're supposed to have love for.
Breeze isn't that bad. Yes, it sounds like the name of a Glade scent you'd use to mask your poop fumes, but it also sounds like the name of a member of a 1970s hippie cult commune that bases its teachings on the album Free to be...You and Me. I can deal with that. But BERETTA!? Beretta isn't a family name either. Sunny and Levi say that they are naming her after the gun. A mess. Why didn't they just go all the way with this foolery? Why didn't they name her God Fart Glock or Queefah Rifle?
And Sunny also told Inside Edition the romantic tale of how Breeze Beretta was conceived:
"We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."
I guess Breeze Beretta's fucked up name is the least of her problems....
The Hollywood sign still has dried tears on it from when Amanda Bynes quit acting for five seconds that one time, and now it has to suffer through the pain of knowing that one of the goth trolls who used to nibble on the bones of squirrels under it has retired from the acting world for the rest of eternity. Ashley Olsen is really busy selling $39,000 backpacks to total fucking morons and she no longer has a passion for memorizing lines and saying them in a dead monotone voice in front of a camera. While Mary-Kate Olsen is acting in a bunch of crap, Ashley tells Elle UK that she's through with it:
“We worked non-stop until we were 18. Then we decided to take a break and go to school – and that was when we decided to question whether we would carry on in entertainment. It was time to step behind the process. I wanted to work on other things.
It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in Hollywood, I like the way it operates and the people who are involved and the sense of possibility. But if I ever do get back in, it’s not going to be as an actress. It just felt right to move away.”
But...but... If a movie needs two pieces of driftwood covered in yellow seaweed, who's going to play the other one? If Hollywood does a reimagining of The Shining with The Chronicles of Narnia characters in the lead roles, who's going to play the other Gollum Twin? Oh well, I guess if Hollywood really needs another Olsen Troll, they'll get the Illuminati to make them another one using a garden gnome and the blood of a sacrificed chipmunk. At least we'll always have Holiday in the Sun.
Maybe it's because the coffee I injected directly into my eyeball veins took a detour and hasn't hit my brain yet, but that picture of Beyonce played a trick on me for a second. I thought Beyonce forgot to take off her Tempur-Pedic baby pillow and accidentally wore it underneath a fugly-print silk blouse from Cache. But nope, that's Blue Ivy Carter under there and I'm surprised she's not glowing like she's just suckled on the holy liquid of the sun, because that picture was taken just a day after Beyonce breastfed her in the middle of Sant Ambroeus Restaurant in NYC. A witness tells UsWeekly that they felt the world stop underneath their feets when Beyonce fed the chosen one in the middle of the restaurant. The roof blew off, the halo around Beyonce's nipple plate blinded everyone and lives were changed!
Yeah, this story is about as exciting as watching a spit ball dry on a bib, but here it is from UsWeekly:
Count Beyonce Knowles among the millions of mothers worldwide who are proud to breastfeed their children out in the open.
Escorted by husband Jay-Z, the "Girls (Run the World)" singer, 30, took along daughter Blue Ivy, seven weeks, for a casual lunch at Sant Ambroeus in NYC's West Village last Saturday. And Beyonce nursed her little girl at her the table, an observer tells Us Weekly. Two additional sources confirm to Us that the first-time mom has been breastfeeding her daughter.
It was very gracious and heart-giving of Beyonce to bless a dozen eyes with the spiritually maternal image of her sticking her nipple in Blue Ivy's mouth and I'm sure the La Leche League has already crowned her as the new Patron Saint of Titty Feeding, but there's something very un-Beyonce like about all of this. Beyonce breastfed B.I.C. in front of all those mere mortals?! For free?!
You'd think Beyonce would order her bodyguards to clear the restaurant and then a team of set decorators would be brought in to transform the restaurant from peon eatin' place into a breastfeeding heaven complete with a sparkling milk waterfall and a duo of back-up dancers (Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland since they ain't got shit to do) singing "If you're hungry then you should put your mouth on it" around B.I.C. That's how B.I.C. feeds! Something in the titty leche ain't clean.
When you've got the personality of McDonald's cow butt paste (RIP!) like Blake Lively does, you have to reach deep to pull out some interesting shit that won't' make the interviewer fall into an open-eyed coma. Blake went there during an interview with Elle Magazine and told them a million fascinating facts about herself like how many peens her vagina has sucked on and how she hopes to birth out a girl or a trans baby one day. That slight tingle in your brain is a "The More You Know" star shooting through the inside of your head:
On how her Fuck Club punch card only has four holes in it: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“
On how she hopes to have a daughter or a son-to-daughter one day: “I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated.”
Yesterday GOOPY Paltrow said she thought Apple would be a butch lez and today Blake Lively is saying that she hopes she has a tranny. Tomorrow, Katherine Heigl is going to top all of those blonde bitches by saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm going to adopt a female-to-male tranny bull dyke! TOP THAT!"
Blake did use the word "trannies" and that's going to get her at least one open letter from GLADD, so that stretches this interview's 15 seconds of fame. Slow clap for you, girl.
And I know we should use this time together to figure out the four boyfriends Blake is talking about (SPOILER ALERT: Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Penn Badgleywhatever and who ever she had to fuck to get that short-term relationship contract with Leonardo DiCaprio), but instead I'm going to talk about what Elle did to her ass in these pictures. Who at Elle thought this shit looked sexy? Look at that picture above. Blake looks cold and hot at the same time. I can't really explain it, but that picture reminds me of when they pulled Baby Jessica out of the well. Baby Jessica was wet, confused, uncomfortable, scared and you didn't know whether she wanted a blanket or a fan. So I guess Elle was going for "sexy Baby Jessica." Just....WRONG.
Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me? and other such important stuff.
So, to answer this one...E!online says it's because DUN DUN DUN "her hair was thinning and starting to look fake"! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like "why does my dog hate me" and "what am I supposed to do with my life" may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.
I actually like Jen An, though I'm not sure why. And I'm less sure about the idea that this is somehow news. I guess we can all change our lives now though?? Okay, seriously it's just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz. But keep it up in your pj's and house shoes, like I'm gonna do. MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with "I need a pedi" and "should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76". Sorry Jen.
Approximately six seconds after Demi Moore's marriage died and became a ghost that will jump into Whoopi Goldberg's body from time to time to haunt her, some people started asking if she's going to legally change her Twitter handle from @mrskutcher. Demi finally answered this highly important question after her followers kept hitting her with it. I appreciate Demi's Tweet, but only because she dipped it in bitch and rolled it in sarcasm before she threw it at her followers:
changing my twitter name isn't a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?
9 hours ago
Yes, it does matter, DU-MEEEE. There was a time when Demi couldn't even squeeze out a dusty queef without Tweeting about its grand exit first, so her Twitter account should be her top priority. There are some followers who stare at her handle and relive the painful memories of her and Ashton gushing at each other on Twitter. Selfish old bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to register the Twitter names @primecougarpuss, @eatmykutcher and @mrsfuckthatbitchashtonkutcher, because Demi is obviously changing hers to one of those and I want to make top dollar when I sell one to her.