I haven't stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl's garage. The only thing it's missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it's dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.
Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson's crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen's Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn't get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she's pie, I'm going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.
The acting world is still suffering from shortness of breath brought on by Amanda Bynes pressing pause on her acting career for a second, and now it will completely have to deep throat a 10-inch long asthma inhaler over award-winning thespian (by "award-winning" I mean bitch hasn't won shit) Taylor Momsen hanging up her "acting" skills forever. Cut to the sad image of Meryl Streep passing a torch to an empty space, because Taylor Momsen isn't there to grab it.
The post-seizure dumpster panda tells Elle Magazine that she's quit acting, quit Gossip Girl and will devote all her time to duct taping her nipples in the name of rock.
ELLE: And any acting projects planned?
TM: I quit acting, actually. I quit Gossip Girl and now tour and am in a band and that’s pretty much all I want to do. Hopefully I’ll be able to only do that for the rest of my life.
Bitch, stop. You know Gossip Girl quit you, because they were sick of wasting money on paying hos to scrape off the gorilla anus rings from around your eyes before getting you into make-up. But seriously, Taylor is making the right decision. When you're acting skills make Blake Lively look like an actual human being that processes actual emotions in her working brain, it's best to go out on top.
And Gossip Girl has announced that they won't kill off the character of Jenny. They're simply going to replace Taylor with a malnourished raccoon in a teased Heidi wig. Whenever they need Jenny to talk, they'll just give the raccoon a cracker to nibble on while a crack baby provides her voice by slurring out coos in the corner. I'm sure the raccoon and the crack baby will both win an Emmy.
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
Last night in Toronto, the Illuminati after-school program flunky Taylor Momsen made Satan's minions throw each other awkward glances when she took to the stage at Pretty Reckless' show wearing a tank top from PedoBear's Pentagram collection. If you've ever wondered whose fan letter Charles Manson scribbled "RETURN TO SENDER" on, you now have your answer.
Taylor's fuck parts might worship Satan, but ho's ass worships pancakes (or is it the other way around?). This dumpster panda Lolita's ass is so damn flat that I want to pull out a projector and watch the Oscars on it tonight.
"I still wouldn't..." - Satan
It's our future and you know what, I don't even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE's costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.
Don't you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who's simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.
Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber's new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn't the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber's balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.
And it's funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us "middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona." However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.
Here's another picture of Taylor's walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night's thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.
Christine O'Donnell has just met her new arch rival in the masturbating panda that is Taylor Momsen! For every trick who touches their wet parts for the first time at the advice of Taylor Momsen, Christine O'Donnell weakens! Keep fucking that chicken, world! So Taylor Momsen is not only a role model for sad angsty pandas who like to do bad things, but she's now a role model for proud self-fuckers everywhere.
In an interview with The Guardian (via The Frisky), Taylor basically said that everyone should learn how to make their genitals bust into an ecstasy seizure at their own hand before they move on to the main party.
“I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around—learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful—particularly for girls and young girls.”
Taylor Momsen's brain actually made a sense. Who knew this day would come! But that's easy for her to say. Taylor has an unfair advantage. Bitch never has to buy lube since her eyes are greasier than the peen of the lone top at a gay orgy.
And now that Taylor has put her fist up for the right to masturbate, I hope this doesn't mean we're going to get a cover of "I Touch Myself" by The Pretty Reckless. Because that will kill masturbation forever.
Taylor Momsen is just living her life as a fag smoking, nip flashing, testicle burning, vibrator humping angsty teen panda, but the producers of Gossip Girl do not want to be associated with it anymore!! Taylor has basically been demoted to extra with lines for most of the season and producers want to keep it that way. Deadline Hollywood says that after next Monday's episode, the character of Little Jenny will be MIA until further notice.
A source who works on the show is saying they cut off Little Jenny for "creative reasons" but others say Taylor's eye rolls and overall IDGAF attitude is what put her in the time out playpen. An example of that is what the tingle in my nipple Tim Gunn had to say about working with Taylor: "She was pathetic, she couldn't remember her lines, and she didn't even have that many. I thought to myself, 'Why are we being held hostage by this brat?'"
Oh, fuck me with a "HO PLEASE." This has nothing to do with Taylor's behavior. IN THIS ECONOMY, it has everything to do with the budget. Do you know many rolls of steel wool, wood chisels, gallons of turpentine, sandblasters, prayer circles, veteran contractors, priests who specialize in exorcisms and man-made tornadoes it takes to get all that tar off of Taylor's eyes?! A LOT! The producers would rather spend the money on unicorn sperm to keep Chace Crawford's precious skin glowing than on removing the coal bukkake party over Taylor's eyes. Good choice, I say!
Long before Taylor Momsen was cementing her status as the hardest bitch on the playground by running a Shake and Bake meth lab in the glove compartment of her Barbie car, she was starring in a Shake 'N Bake commercial!
This is a 3-year-old Taylor Momsen shaking away any hope she had for a childhood (her queefs, not mine!) back in 1997. We're not only watching a little girl make a delicious chicken meal that is best served with hot mashed potato flakes, but we're also watching her slowly become the SAD PANDA she is today.
The hardest and edgiest rabid raccoon in the dumpster behind a Hot Topic has revealed the secret ingredient to her Emo-approved angstface and why she's always shuffling around like someone just told her Emily the Strange died. It's because she eternally miiiiiiseeeeeeraaaaaaaable. And not in a "13-year-old who bases all of their manufactured emotions on Bright Eyes songs and not Cure songs because that would be soooo cliche" kind of way. She's like authentically miserable! You would be able to tell from the tears of misery that pour out of her eyes but the toxic sludge on her face disintegrates them before they get to cheek.
"Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?' My parents signed me up with Ford (modeling agency) at the age of two. No two-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn't have friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life."
Well, it's never too late to go back and live a "real life" childhood. So I suggest that Taylor takes a box of baby wipes to her face and crawls into the nearest kindergarten class room to play Barbies with the other kids. The nipple tape and vibrators will be waiting for her when she gets back (not really). And in the meantime, let's all give the sad panda a hug.
Because whether we like it or not, a sad panda gives all of us the sads.
At the MTV EMAs in Madrid last night, the hardest and edgiest toddler in the playpen continued to dress like a mid-range Craigslist "masseuse" with a serious Cherie Currie fetish and mysterious rash on her eyelid she covers up using black Halloween lipstick, markers from The Dollar General and ash from a smoking bin outside of a Holiday Inn Express.
You know, I can't fully throw a black cloud of shade over Taylor Momsen, because when I was 12 (or however old that trick is) I too had the choreographed posture of an angsty tween Igore and an "I HATE LIFE" scowlface you usually see on a morning-shift cashier at Hot Topic. It hurts to admit, but I was that! However, I don't remember slipping on a Victoria's Secret push-up bra and pulling my nipples so high that it made Chris Hansen's brows touch his hairline. I must've been fucked up on cooking wine and freon during that episode.
And speaking of hunchback creatures who look like they should be welcoming you into Frankenstein's castle (snatched from 30 Rock), Miley Cyrus was also at the EMAs last night and she performed one of her songs. And by performed, I mean she hollered and spazzed out like she's got a painful ingrown camel toe.