Stripper Woes

After a white load was shot onto Kim Karkrashian's hair and back, she cracked the bulges of plastic in her face by laughing it off like it was nothing. If Kim left it at that, the stunt would be forgotten and nobody would be writing about it. Pimp Mama Kris taught Kim how to turn flour into whorenade, so now she's whining about how she's thinking of pressing charges and now everybody is writing about that mess again (including me, which is why I cry at the bottom of a lukewarm shower at night). The plastic bag of whore farts told leaf carrier Giuliana Rancic that what happened to her is not right and it took attention away from the charity she was promoting (aka the charity being herself).

"I said earlier no I wasn't [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don't want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.

I was laughing it off earlier and, you know, I think that is the only thing I knew how to do at the time. But I just think it is such a shame that someone like that...would ruin an event, or attempt to ruin an event, that was based around, not only my fragrance, but this organization, Dress For Success. I mean that's what the event was about. These women flew in from all over the country to be a part of this event, that are underprivileged women, that really got the shine taken away from them a little bit. That's why I am calling in now. I feel bad that it was kind of derailed from that.

Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, 'What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?' It's scary. And what's even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and...I'm gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable."

Getting splattered on made this bitch famous and getting splattered on AGAIN is stretching her 15. If this shit wasn't a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim still got attention for it. If this shit was a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim STILL got attention for it. The real losers in this is all of us. Correction: The real loser in this is that flour, because it was wasted on that twat when it could've been used to make delicious cupcakes. Think of the cupcakes.

UPDATE: TMZ says Kim will press charges against the ho who splattered flour on her. And we should all press charges against Ray J for making Kim famous by splattering his jizz on her.

There's good news and there's "WONK PLEASE" news. First up is the good news, which brings all of us one beautiful step closer to seeing Parasite Hilton push a wonky tear out of her eye in the back a cop car AGAIN. TMZ reports that Wonks will be charged with a felony for getting caught with a .8 grams of coke in Las Vegas over the weekend. According to the police report, the arresting officer didn't even have to work that hard to bust Wonky, because an invisible angel picked up the bag of Lindsay Lohan's favorite nose mint from her bag and gracefully dropped it into the cop's open palm.

The cop writes that right after they pulled Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits over, she started complaining about how she needed to take a piss (aka flush the evidence down the toilet). So the cop held on to Wonky's purse and escorted her into the Wynn Hotel so she could use the bathroom.

Once they were inside, she asked the cop if she could get some lip chap out of her purse. The cop when on to write: "As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand." HA. When Darwin fails, we all win.

The cop also found a broken Albuterol tablet and Zig Zag rolling papers. Wonks admitted that the Albuterol belonged to her, but she pulled an excuse straight out of every episode of Cops by saying that the coke wasn't hers. And not only was the coke not hers, but neither was the purse! This bitch told the police that her friend let her borrow the purse earlier. Wonks said that she had seen the bag of coke in the purse earlier, but she thought "it was gum."

Now for the "WONK PLEASE" news. According to TMZ, her story is about as jacked up as her eye, because she's now telling friends that she thinks she was set up! Wonks has admitted to friends that the purse is hers, but she believes a shifty bitch dropped the coke into her bag. A source claims that Wonky is saying, "I had no idea the cocaine was there. I swear on my life. It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am." Wonks also thinks that the cop turned it into a big deal, because she's famous.

So just to recap, Wonks is either going to play "the coke is not mine" card or "the purse is not mine" card. Here's hoping Las Vegas plays the "GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL" card and sets this dumb bitch up in a nice jail suite a few doors down from O.J. Simpson on celebrity row.

For the past four years, the pussy shakers at Foxhole strip club in Ohio have come to work each day to find the members of a nearby Christian church protesting their asses and condemning them to hell. That's considered dirty talk to all of us sluts around here, but the strippers don't appreciate that shit!

The pastor of New Beginnings Ministries leads the protests which usually involves blow horns (not in a sexy way) and signs with bible verses on them. The protesters also videotape the license plates of the club's customers to post on the internet. Well, the strippers have had enough of New Beginnings trying to deflate their nipples, so they ventured into the daylight to fight back!

Right before mass this past Sunday, the strippers arrived at New Beginnings in their bikinis to hold a protest of their very own. As churchgoers shuffled in, the strippers of the Foxhole greeted them with their titties, a smile and a few messages of their very own.

The strippers and the churchgoers should come together over a lap dance followed by a bottle of church wine. Why fight when they can join forces for the greater cause? I mean, if such a thing as a strip club/church existed, I'd probably go to mass every damn night! Correction: If such a thing as a strip club/church/In-N-Out existed, I'd definitely go to mass every damn night!

Below is a clip of the strippers talking about their cause. Shelley Duvall can make her big comeback when she plays Lola Lorain in the Lifetime movie version of this.

Attention whore Miley Cyrus got attention for fake kissing another chick on Britain's Got Talent the other night, and now she's pretending to be mad about it. Yes, this is one of those "DON'T LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT ME!" moments. Miley spat up on her blog (via ONTD) last night and said that everyone needs to focus on more important things like world peace. Like such as.

Miley is a 17-year-old window licker whose mom was most likely high on glue and swamp water during pregnancy, but she is absolutely right! The world needs more peace, which is why she should lead the way by getting her jaw permanently wired shut and retiring to the dam from which she came from.

And while we're waiting for that to happen, here's Miley in London yesterday giving the lot lizards of the south a preview of what they will be wearing this fall.

Bombshell McGee was supposed to start her "Nazi Sluts Do It Better" club tour in Miami next week, but the venue has canceled that shit after receiving a bunch of complaints. Your Jewish nana from Boca has done good!

The operating officer at LIV, the venue for Bombshit's party, did the Kanye shrug and claimed they didn't know she liked to do herself with Swastika dildos:

“We didn't know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night...

LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming."

Miami is already being violated by the new breed of pussy parasites the Jersey Shore whores brought to their city, so enough is enough!

Bombshell will now open her tour at the KKK's annual family picnic.

via Music Rooms

If you've ever wanted to taste Aubrey O'Day's creampie, you're disgusting! But in addition to being gross, you're also in luck because she now has her own milkshake over at Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles. Aubrey O'Day lives to pose with whipped cream like it's a dollop of man milk, so thankfully for her a place like Millions of Milkshakes exists!

Aubrey followed up her computer-generated bukkake ad for Millions of Famewhores by creating a milkshake named after her. Aubrey's delicious cup of wart puss contains milky sweat from Diddy's over-moisturized nutsack, coagulated silicone from a leaky implant, two drops of red dog dye and one bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. One sip of it will send you into ecstasy. One sip will also send you to quarantine by order of the Department of Health, but at least you'll have one second of pleasure before that happens.

The launch party for Aubrey's blended creampie brought out the likes of her tortured dogs, Quinton Aaron from The Blind Side, a pervy Elmo, and some refined royal lady who stopped by before meeting the Queen at Buckingham Palace for Hot Toddies (see last thumbnail).

The soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning The National Enquirer has struck again! They are officially the most feared bitch amongst cheating ass husbands. Joey Greco just faked stabbed himself.

In their latest issue, they say that Lost's own Dr. Jack allegedly stepped out on his wife of 18 years Margherita Ronchi with a 26-year-old titty dancer he met while filming a movie in Bend, Oregon. The stripper in question, Stefani Talbott, not only spilled the jizz to the Enquirer, but she also ran off to InTouch too. Hey, when life gives you a married celebrity, you fuck that bitch and then sell your story to anybody who waves a dollar at you. The new wall-to-wall carpet in your townhouse is not going to pay for itself.

Stefanie told the Enquirer, "Yes, I've been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together. I've kept voice mails and text messages from him."

Their romance first bloomed like a 1-day-old genital wart, when she caught Matthew's eye while she was thrusting her snatch on stage at Stars Cabaret. Stefanie told InTouch about the beautiful moment, “I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited. He asked me, ‘Why are you working in a place like this?’ I told him that I am a single mom and needed the money.”

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard? It's like that part in West Side Story when Tony first laid eyes on Maria at the dance. But instead of snapping fingers, Stefanie's snatch made the cash register sound.

Later that night, Stefani left her 5-year-old kid with the baby sitter and met Matthew at his rented home to consummate their love. Stefani said, “He didn’t tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn’t even use protection. (Ed note: Pregnancy announcement in 3...2..) He didn’t seem concerned at all."

For the record, Matthew's rep denies the story and says it is made of lies.

Only dumb ass Jack would cheat on his wife and leave behind electronic evidence! Sawyer would be smart enough to hit it, quit it and forget it! Ben would immediately turn back the wheel of time. Locke would scare the stripper into secrecy by staring at her for about 10-seconds. And the Smoke Monster, well he's a snob, so he would never tap a stripper.

And since we're on the subject of Lost, can I just tell you how happy I am to see that one of Brit Brit's old swap weaves is still getting work:

(Claire pic via Videogum)