The "Who Cares?" News

Reeeeejoice! There's one less Ed Hardy-wearing bag of butt plugs walking the streets! TMZ brings us the beautiful news that Brit Brit's former gas station escort is going off to the chokey. Adnan Ghalib was sentenced to 45 days behind bars for hitting a process server with his car last February. Last month, Adnan pleaded no contest to leaving the scene of an accident.

In addition to the 45 days in the clink, Adnan was placed on probation for 36 months and he must complete an anger management course as well as 45 days of hard labor. Unfortunately, the hard labor doesn't include cleaning the chunky jam out of Daddy Spears' toes.

So that's that! Now you can go back to forgetting Adnan Ghalib exists. Well, until your next bikini wax. Unfortunately, you'll think of him when your waxer asks if you want a landing strip or a baby crotch.

Image: INFDAILY.com

Whenever I watch a Miley Cyrus interview, I close my eyes and think of an old lady with pink hair chain-smoking Lady Diamond cigarettes while sitting in front of her trailer on a broken down chair she got on special from Pic 'n' Save. It makes listening to that shit much more bearable.

Anyway, in a recent interview, Noah Cyrus' favorite pole dancing partner was asked if she was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Miley is Team FuckOffTwilight. She explained, "I've never seen it and nor will I ever. I don't believe in it. I don't like vampires. ... I don't like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I'm watching my TV at night. I don't like it. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like the shirts. I don't like any of it."

See what I mean? Miley is as incoherent as an old bitch whose diet only consists of Mallomars and wine coolers. I mean, is she talking about Twatlight, Three Wolf Moon, or both? And if Miley doesn't like wolves popping out at her, she better stay away from 70s porn.

via Vulture

In the Daily Mirror today, they have an item about how friend to all Daniel Radcliffe got oral with a delicious paper penis filled with the good shit. And he swallowed. THIS IS NEWS.

While at a party in London, DanRad took several deep drags from a joint, which caused him to break out into a fit off non-stop giggles. DanRad was so deep in a green fog that he let some girl draw a stache on his face. A girl who witnessed DanRad's acts of stonery said this, "Daniel was laughing and seemed to find it funny. But he didn't really look like he knew what was going on. I was surprised by his behavior. He is a kids' favorite. I'm not sure what his fans will make of it. Daniel looked spaced out and away with the fairies. He didn't want us to recognize him. When I said he looked like that actor in Lord of the Rings [Elijah Wood], he got a bit funny and said, 'No, that's not me'. He looked pretty uncomfortable."

Before leaving, DanRad turned to the other partygoers and proclaimed, "I LOVE WEEEEEED!"

Laughing until you've got cotton mouth? Humping on gay ass fairies? Letting someone jizz on you with a Sharpie? Declaring your heart is full now that you've found your soulmate (weed)? Yup, that pretty much sums up my first time too. It sounds like Harry Potter got his weed cherry popped.

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Radar Online is hearing that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden handcuffed themselves to each other by getting married......IN SECRET! Although, if you whisper something that nobody cares about, it's not really a secret. But I won't piss on their love parade.

Apparently, Sparrow and Harlow's parents picked up a marriage license last week, and made it legal on Wednesday. The two have been bumping peroxide bushes for...oh who cares. In Hollywood time, they've been together forever.

Spokeswhores for Nicole and Joel were unavailable for comment. Probably because they fell asleep at the wedding and still haven't woken up.

And I'm guessing that when Joel got back from the court with the license, Sparrow jumped down from his bird bath and asked his daddy if he brought him a "CHANGE MY FUCKING STUPID NAME" form.

In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I'm pretty sure "irreconcilable differences" means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.

According to Radar, Avril isn't asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn't want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck's dick bush with Manic Panic.

It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place."

Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.

Remember that one video of Seth Green freaking out like a leprechaun who lost his rainbow on the set of some commercial? And the one of him getting mugged in some parking lot? Well, your brain might have already barfed up that important information, but in case it hasn't, you should know that it was viral marketing for Butterfinger. Yeah, Butterfinger has replaced a tiny yellow boy creature with a tiny ginge boy creature. Homer better choke a bitch over this.

The videos are part of some contest for Butterfinger. They released this statement of words:

Someone has laid a finger on Seth Green`s BUTTERFINGER. Nestlé USA today announced the launch of "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" an innovative online narrative game for consumers to help solve the mystery surrounding the October 2 theft of Green`s vintage Butterfinger bar. The "lite" alternate reality game starring Seth Green will call upon the clever, irreverent thinking of Butterfinger fans, as they compete to find and solve clues that could lead to the return of Green`s
missing bar and a one-of-a-kind grand prize: a solid-gold Butterfinger bar worth $10,000.

Green, a lifelong Butterfinger fan, was announced recently as the official Butterfinger Mouthpiece, in conjunction with the brand reintroducing its tagline "Nobody`s Gonna Lay A Finger On My Butterfinger." Green collaborated with Butterfinger to produce "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" using comedy and the real world as a platform. Dubbed an "alternate reality game lite" (ARGL), DudeWheresMyBar.com propels fans into an entertaining storyline created by the comedic genius of Green and the one-and-only iconic candy bar brand. "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" combines the innovations of a multi-platform narrative game with video vignettes featuring Green and co-starring actors Sean Cullen, Stuart Pankin and Jon Wellner.

"Butterfinger has long been associated with clever, irreverent humor," said Butterfinger marketing manager Daniel Jhung. "Leave it to this brand to serve up the first-ever consumer packaged goods ARG with a light, Butterfinger twist."

There you have it. You can go back to not caring.

And I bet that Seth's peen kind of looks like a bite-sized Butterfinger after a sloppy butt fuck party. I'm sorry.

After just three months of marriage, Fred Durst and his wife Esther Nazarov have gone their separate ways. Fred went off to bang anything who doesn't mind him gnarling like a bear eating a rabbit's head (if you've seen his sex tape, you know what I'm talking about) and Esther went off to submit her application to the gayelle club.

Fred announced the tragic news on his Twatter:

"For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support. Thank you all SO much for your concern and extremely kind words. Sincerely. We remain very positive and wish only the best for each other."

I will say that the marriage lasted a lot longer than my ass predicated. My guess is that the bad shit haze finally wore off and Esther realized she was married to a dude who used to suck on Parasite Hilton's septic tank.

And since we're here, (NSFW) click on this to see Fred's limp bizkit. I doubt it's usually like that. Dude must have just stuck it in the vacuum to stretch it out for the cameras.

VIA UsWeekly

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

The brand new poster children for the sanctity of marriage, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, will make it legal this Sunday after only doing ass-to-mouth (you decide who does what) with each other for about a month. According to the NYDN, there was a small bidding war between People, UsWeekly and OK! Magazine for the exclusive pictures of the wedding.

Apparently, OK! Magazine won out and will hand over $300,000 to Khloe. Yes, 300 hundred thousand AMERICAN dollars. More like Not OK! Magazine!

If OK! paid Khloe in generic female hormone pills bought on the internet and a 3-month supply of NADS, then I'd say it was worth it. Maybe. But $300k?! Do they also get the rights to the divorce party that will be held in about six months?

OK! could have saved their dollars and published this picture of the Shrek wedding with the headline: "KHLOE and LAMAR'S FAIRYTALE WEDDING!"

Nobody would've been the wiser.....