Engagements

Uma Thurman is engaged to her rich bitch boyfriend Arpad "Arki" Busson. Wise move. You can never have too much money and Swiss money is even better. Don't ask me why Swiss money is better. It just is.

Uma's spokesbitch confirmed the engagement to People. A source also said that Arki dressed Uma's bony finger with an "8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones." Another source told the NYDN the ring is so big that "she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat." I think I just came.

This is Uma's second marriage. She has two kids with Ethan Hawke. Arki has two kids with Elle Macpherson. Apparently, he never married Elle, because she's been divorced and he's a strict Catholic. Uma's vagina must have the right moves.

Uma better book them a flight to Las Vegas right fucking now! Elope! She also better eat the damn prenup. Put some steak sauce on that bitch and swallow it whole.

It sounds like Kimora Lee Simmons and her hot man piece, Dijmon Honsou, need to have a little talk over stuffed crepes at IHOP. Seriously, all serious conversations should be done over stuffed crepes.

Anyway, People asked Kimo if she was engaged to her man. She said, "kind of." When asked if he gave her an engagement ring, she replied, "Well, kind of, not quite." Kind of?! Bitch, please! I'm "kind of" engaged to Prince Hot Ginge, but he doesn't know it yet. He "kind of" gave me an engagement cock ring too.

It sounds to me like Dijmon "kind of" doesn't want to be married to her ass and "kind of" bought that shit for herself! Kind of. Isn't "kind" an odd word? Kind. Yeah, it's weird.

Supermodel Adriana Lima claims she's a virgin. Yeah, me too. Adriana has dated Lenny Kravitz and Derek Jeter. I doubt those two slut bags would be down with that. Anyway, Adriana has reason to rejoice! She's finally going to get laid! Adriana's boyfriend of 9 months, basketball star Marko Jaric, asked her to be his wifey last night. And of course she said yes. Shit, I think her vagina screamed, "FUCK YES!!!"

Her spokesbitch told People, "He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn't be more in love." Blah...blah!

Hopefully her wedding night will be everything she ever dreamed of! That's if Marko can find her chocha. I mean, he's a little cross-eyed. She's going to have to queef in order for him to find it.

Robert Redford has finally decided to make an honest woman out of his girlfriend of over 10 years. 10 years! 71-year-old Robert has been dating 52-year-old Sibylle Szaggars since 1996. He told a German magazine, "We are engaged and very happy with that. Sibylle is my fiancee and that says everything, doesn't it?"

She's totally knocked up, isn't she? Those sinful sluts!

My mother is not going to like this news. She might even say, "SHOOT!" or "DARN!" And if she's really mad about it, she'll say, "OH FUDGE!"

Source

Thanks Dawn

You see that little ring Halle Berry is sporting? Some say it's an engagement ring from her hot sperm donor, Gabriel Aubry. Sources say Gabriel proposed to Halle with his grandmother's ring, because he felt the time is right.

A source told Showbiz Spy, "Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family." Uh huh and he'll be accepted into the Berry fortune!

If I was Halle Berry - Well, if I was Halle Berry I would spend a few hours playing with my chichis in the mirror. After I finished with that, I would head on over to KMart and pick up a bike lock. I'd immediately fasten that lock over Gabriel's dick! She better put it in the prenup that Gabriel must wear a dick lock at all times.

Even better, Halle should contact Playstation 3 to have Gabriel's hot dick replaced with one of those thumb dicks. The sexiest thing he can do with a thumb dick is participate in a thumb wrestling match.

Owen Wilson is planning to marry Kate Hudson a year after he tried to off himself over their break-up. Yes, commemorate one tragedy with another! The News of the World reports that Owen proposed to Kate in Miami and wants to marry her next year. The Florida humidity must eff with some of these people's brains. Owen marrying Kate? Aniston and Mayer?

A source told The News of the World, “Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional.”

Screw Kate! Owen should marry his one true love, Woody Harrelson! Nobody understands him the way Woody does. Mary Jane can be the maid of honor and a hookah pipe can be the best man.

ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are engaged! No! No! No! Scar's rep has confirmed it to People, "They're both thrilled." Yeah, all 4 of them. ScarJo, Ryan and her two enormous chichis.

ScarJo is expected to show off her engagement ring at tonight's Costume Institute Gala at the MET in NYC. Sources say that she can't wait to show it off. Oh please let Alanis Morissette be there too! I need her to gallop up to Ryan and say, "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" The answer is no, but we don't need to tell Alanis that.

ScarJo also has a shitty album coming out. Coincidence? I think not! Getting engaged is suddenly the new way to promote your album. Mariah Carey....Asshole Simpson....

Mimi wore what looked like to be an engagement ring to the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "Tennessee" this past weekend and now Access Hollywood claims Nick Cannon gave her the ring. A source confirmed to them that 27-year-old Nick popped the question to 38-year-old Mimi.

Nick reportedly bought the ring for $2.5 million at Jacob & Company. That bitch can't afford that shit! Please, he bought that shit at Claire's in the Queens mall. Mimi better do the glass cut test on it.

This wedding will be a tacky organza mess. It will be like when you were little and your Barbie married Ken. Your mom never bought you the Barbie wedding dress, so you used organza napkins to make your own. Barbie came riding down the aisle on your little poodle's back. Ok, I'm totally talking about myself. Anyway, that's what Mimi's wedding will be like.

That being said, this wedding won't happen. Mimi should marry a Russian billionaire who will buy her a real life unicorn and pay to have a species of butterfly named after her. Nick Cannon doesn't deserve her crazy ass.

What do you say when you're trying to stop a wedding? Is there any kind of official lingo? I guess, "That skank likes pussy!" will work. I'm going to need to know this just in case The National Enquirer (via dig spy) is right. They claim Penelope Cruz is going to marry Javier Bardem. This bitch has no idea.

A source claims Javier's momma, Pilar, told him to marry Penny, "Pilar took her son aside and told him, 'What's the matter with you? She's perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'" The sourcie goes on to say that they will marry later this year. Over my skinny ass dead body.

Somebody help me put these razors in my hair. A rumble is going down. Penny could totally kick my dirty nalgas though. She would shout shit in her cockatoo voice and it would confuse the hell out of me and that's when she'd deliver the fatal blow. Yeah, I'm not fucking with that snatch.

2008 is all about sabotaging weddings. First, we have to hit up the Depp nuptials and now we gotta wreak havoc on Penny's special day.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz just announced their engagement. Try not to roll your eyes too much or they'll stay that way forever. Asshole posted this message on the Friends or Enemies website:

We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."

Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." You know that man is crying inside. At least he still has Jessica. Nobody's going to marry her annoying ass unless he pays them. Papa Joe probably coordinated this shit. Ashlee does have a new album coming out soon. Publicity stunt!

Her maid of honor is totally going to be a flat iron and his best man is going to be black eyeliner.