Engagements

I was a little worried when my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and that steaming cup of hot douche water Maksim Chmerkovskiy were pictured holding hands last September. I became a little more worried when Maksim called CHERYL BURKE a fat mop, because that's something douchebags in love say about the object of their affection. I am pleased to announce that Maksim is promised to be married and it's not to Mop Head. It's to Mario Lopez's former beard: Karina Smirnoff Ice.

E! News says that 28-year-old Maksim asked 30-year-old Smirnoff Ice to be his on New Year's Eve. They apparently became loooovers while traveling together on the Dancing with the Has-Beens tour. They are both from Ukraine, so I'm hoping their wedding will be filled with gold, white feathers and rhinestones. Naturally.

I sort of knew they were humping on each other's fake-tanned asses, but this whole "getting married" thing is a little surprising. The thought probably popped into Maksim's pretty little head all of a sudden. He immediately bopped Smirnoff Ice over the head with his club, dragged her to his cave which is covered in pictures of himself (you know it is) and said to her, "You be my wife." If I was to ever get engaged, that's how I want it to go down.

And Karina should get her nose rotated again before the wedding. Her nose is starting to look like a lizard's head and that's not pretty.

It is a sloooow slooowwwwww gossip day. Somebody please go and wake Brit Brit up and tell her now is a great time for her to crash the crazy train again. I swear. I went to Winchell's to get a fucking bear claw for breakfast, came back and there was this story on TMZ. I figured some of you broccoli lovers might care, so here it is.

Two pretty rich boring people got engaged. Wow, right? Tom Brady apparently asked Gis Buttchin to be his wifey while they were riding on a private jet from New Jersey to Boston on Christmas Eve. Tom proposed to Gis in front of her parents, she said yes and then Bridget Moynahan wet queefed.

Seriously, you know Bridge is laughing her ass off at this, because as soon as Gis gets knocked up, Tom will be taking his peen to another snatch. Trust this.

And now that we've gotten this exciting story out of the way, let's all get drunk at T.G.I. Friday's and then go terrorize the conservative memaws at Kohl's by throwing a panty party in the middle of the "intimates" section.

Kendra Wilkinson is engaged! Engaged to a dude with a peen! That was the shocking part for me. I might be alone in this, but I always thought Kendra was the "Peppermint Patty" of the "Girls Next Door." I wonder if Peppermint Patty and Marcie ever moved to Vermont and opened up a general store where they sell Birkenstocks, granola and patchouli oil. That was always my vision.

Anyway, Hef tells UsWeekly that Kendra is promised to be married to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett, "Kendra Wilkinson has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with. He popped the question last Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June."

Aw. That's sweet. Given away by your former pimp.

Hand Basket (typo and it stays) is a total upgrade for Kendra. The girlfriend of a zombie corpse to the wife of a baseball player! Or is it basketball? Or soccer? Whatever! I know, he plays with balls for a living. That's all that matters.

Hopefully, Kendra will work on controlling her laugh during her wedding. Kendra's cackle hurts my bones. That laugh will kill her wedding.

Corey Haim is engaged to something other than an 8-ball. Corey announced on his website that he's going to marry horror actress Tiffany Shepis on May 9, 2009. The two lovebirds first met 12 years on the set of "Fever Lake." They reunited recently at some autograph show.

If you're interested in sending the happy couple a gift, they're registered with Corey's dealer.

Hopefully, Corey Feldman will stop the wedding and whisk Corey Haim away. Those two really belong together. They know it and we know it. If Corey Haim does go through with the wedding, I'm sure an annulment will be filed as soon as the wedding "party favors" wear off.

VIA SOW

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to Punk from "I Love New York." The girl is an Oscar winner and she's going to marry a dude who probably had a couple of sword fights with New York. I mean, the dude most likely tossed New York's salad and licked on her nuts! NO!

JHud's rep told People: "I can confirm that Jennifer got engaged to her boyfriend David on Friday night in L.A."

The two have been dating for less than a year. They have been seen together a few times, but have pretty much kept their shit on the down low. I don't blame JHud. Why the fuck would you want to be seen with one of New York's leftovers?!

JHud is either knocked up or she's extremely dickmatized. I don't care how good the dick is. He's had his tongue down New York's masculine throat! That's a deal breaker.

Seriously. Good dick is both a curse and a blessing. It will make you see the world like a beautiful fairytale wonderland, but it will also make you fuck up your life by marrying a reality show douche!

And what happened to the dude JHud was with for so long? The dude she fell in love with before "American Idol"? JHud needs to wake up from this "good dick fog" and see the light!

Owner of the most grotesque frankenbellies in the world, Tara Reid, is engaged to Julien Jarmoune. Julien is a French fashion executive for J & Company. Julien is also legally blind. That's not confirmed, but I don't have any other reason on why he would marry Tara Reid.

One of Tara's friends told The National Enquirer that the two met while Tara was doing research for her own fashion line. The friend went on to say, "Tara's really in love with this guy, and he's had an amazingly calming effect on her."

Does the "amazingly calming effect" he provides her with come in powder form? Everyone knows the way to Tara's heart is through her nose.

Tara's friend also said that Julien has been a good influence on her. "She's trying to clean up her reputation. Julien has definitely changed Tara for the better. It looks like she's finally gotten her act together. They're talking about a wedding next summer."

Wonky Tits Tara is going to make a beautiful summer bride. I'm sure she's already ordered a custom made replica of this wedding dress.

It looks like Jennifer Aniston's Second Life boyfriend finally popped the question! He asked her while they were both flying across a volcano. He told her to go pick out the prettiest Cracker Jack box ring she could find. He's the one. I know it!

Jenny Aniston wore a ring on her left knitting claw yesterday which means she's engaged and knocked up. Right? Or maybe she forgot to take off the ring after her daily afternoon fake wedding to one of her cats. "This is the way she wash our paw....wash our paw..."

Here's newly engaged Jenny going to lunch with Woody Allen at Madeo. Woody Allen?! Jen! I know your options are dwindling, but Woody fucking Allen?!

Heather Matarazzo, star of one of the greatest movies of 1995 "Welcome to the Dollhouse," is engaged to some ho named Carolyn Murphy. No, not THEE Carolyn Murphy. Although, Heather probably wishes. Heather's PR whore told E! that the couple have been together for about a year.

The PR whore went on to say that they both proposed to each other, “It was really cute. First Heather proposed to Carolyn, then Carolyn proposed to her." That's not cute. That's confusing. And why do people still propose? What's wrong with just saying, "Hey bitch, what are you doing later? Let's go ruin our lives together."

Congrats to Wiener Dog and Carolyn "not the supermodel" Murphy! For some reason I always thought Wiener Dog would end up with Steve. Dreamy Steve. Clip below:

This is the worst news of the day! Sam Talbot, the dreamboat from Top Chef 2, is engaged to some common skank! FUCK! I just want to run outside, find a turtle, tip it over and watch it shimmy. I'm so mad!

Sam proposed to his Colombian girlfriend, Paola Guerro, this past weekend. Of course, she said yes. If she said no, she would have been institutionalized.

Paola, a t-shirt designer and model, and Sam met last December in Brazil.

Sam told People, "I'm so in love it's unreal. We got engaged this weekend. She's amazing. She's stunning. She takes care of me in many ways. I'm quite lucky." Obviously, that bitch Paola drugged him! The only crazy ho who talks like that is Mimi and....well...you know.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.