Engagements

This past Valentine's Day, Harrison Ford got on one knee and asked Calista Flockhart to be his third wifey friend. I'm sure the happy moment was short-lived when Harrison's hip almost went out, he got a charley horse and he farted when he tried to get up. Oldies do that. And then Calista probably fell the fuck over, because the ring was too heavy for her skinny ass to hold up.

Some source told People that after 7 years of dating, 66-year-old Harrison gave 44-year-old Calista a ring while they were on vacation. Their spokeswhores have zipped up their lips and aren't saying shit about this matter.

Harrison is probably over her ass and figures the best way to get her off his old tired back is to marry her, because marriage kills the love! Or maybe he's hoping their wedding reception will be a costume party and that will give him an excuse to wear that amazing shit in the picture above. Oh fuck, I hope he wears that.

Marc Jacobs can't get married to himself, so he might as well marry the porterhouse steak version of himself. Women's Wear Daily says that Marc is engaged to Brazilian ad executive Lorenzo Martone. The two have been licking each other's peen trunks for like a year or something.

The rumor is that the two will announce their engagement when they arrive in Brazil today wearing rings. Engagement rings not cock rings.

Page Six adds that the two have already bought a marital love nest. Marc is apparently buying a $13 million 4,500 square-foot townhouse in the West Village. It has a private garden and roof, so they can shake their naked and pruned asses all over the joint in peace.

I will raise my mug of Sanka to these two and their stubble beards this morning. Seriously, all I see is a whole of stubble which makes me think of a whole lot of chafed butt cheeks.

The walking lollipop known as Christina Ricci is engaged to that giant beast of a man so says UsWeekly. Christina has been dating director Owen Benjamin for a few months. How many times do you think a waitress has asked him, "And what would your daughter like?" If he put her in a stroller and pushed her down the street, there wouldn't be a side-eye in sight!

Christina is 5'1" and he's fucking 6'6"! His ass can really pick her up and lick her ass like a real lolly! If he wants to hit it from the back, Christina has to get on all fours on a platform or some shit. They probably have swing sets, slings and ladders in their bedroom. Freaky ass bitches!

That wedding is going to be some good shit. Christina is going to have to stand on a stack of phonebooks and Owen will need megaphone so she can hear him when he says his vows. But I'm mad at her that during their first dance, she'll be able to give his peen a little tongue bath without any bitches noticing. That's a special thing!

Some bitch has agreed to wake up to Vince Vaughn's nose hairs for the rest of her days. Or until his fupa suffocates her while she's going down on him.

Star Magazine says Vince and real estate agent Kyla Weber became engaged on Valentine's Day. The two met at a wedding last summer. Kyla had a boyfriend of four years at the time, but let that bitch go after she met Vince. Yeah, I'm saying she's a gold digger. She's also going to have to be a moco digger, because you know Vince is the king of nose nasties. I get that vibe from him. He's going to need her little finger to get up there and clean it out. Bitch will really have to dig for her money. Yes, I think about these things.

A source close to the situation said, "They spent a romantic weekend together. He dropped to one knee to propose and presented her with a gorgeous $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum. They'll have their wedding either in L.A. or Alberta, and they're both ready to start a family immediately!"

I can't wait to see the magazine covers next week. They will read: VINCE VAUGHN IS GETTING MARRIED AND WILL HAVE BABIES SOON (Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston still lonely & barren).

Rachel Bilson, Seth Cohen's forever girl from The OC, and the dude who ruined Darth Vadar are engaged to be married. Their Google search ranking must have fell off the charts, so they decided to pull this. It was either that or a sex tape, but I don't know if Hayden is up for that shit.

Page Six says some dude was on a flight with Rachel and noticed a ring on her finger, so he asked if she was married. She responded, "I'm not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I'm 15, but I'm actually 27." One of Rachel's friends also told People, "They're a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief."

I've heard a queer story about Rachel's new fiance, but the friend who told me could've been on some of the bad shit and mistook Hayden for some random trick. Who knows. My friend said his nutsack smelled like guinea pig poop. Okay, when a friend tells you something like that, it's time to check them off the list and walk away. Their services are no longer needed.

When I first saw the headline at UsWeekly, I thought it read: "Rep: Mandy Moore Engaged to BRYAN Adams." This confused me at first but then I got all excited thinking of their Robin Hood themed wedding and Bryan singing "Everything I Do (I Do It For You) " while he walks himself down the aisle. Somebody needs to have a Robin Hood themed wedding and it should be Bryan. But my cum bubble burst when I read it was Ryan not Bryan. Booo.

I didn't even know they were dating. Or did I? I don't know. All those boring broccoli people are all the fucking same. According to Us, Mandy has been picking the fleas out of Ryan's hair since around March. They broke up in July for a quick second. Mandy's spokeswhore confirmed the engagement.

Mandy has bumped stickies with DJ Am, Zach Braff, Wilmer Valderwhatever and Andy Roddick. Ryan has dated Parker Posey before.

I hope Ryan keeps that gorgeous hair color for the wedding. It's Autumn Sunrise and I like it.

Claire Danes, aka forever Angela Chase to me, is promised to be married to a British actor-type named Hugh Dancy. Hugh is in that Shopaholic movie and was also in the greatest cinematic experience of 2006: Basic Instinct 2. I would marry the bitch for that fact alone.

Well, in case you haven't fallen asleep you at this ultra exciting news, let me tell you that Claire's spokeswhore confirmed the shit to People. 29-year-old Claire and 33-year-old Hugh began slapping each other's private areas a little over a year ago. Wouldn't it be a bitch if homegirl was knocked up and Hugh left her ass for Mary Louise-Parker midway through that shit? Passing the homewrecker baton!

A few summers ago, I saw Angela Chase walking down the street with an umbrella and a half-full Trader Joe's paper bag. That's it. Nothing else happened. Since this post is about her skinny ass, I figured I'd throw in that "who cares" fact. Everyone does that shit to me! The other night, a friend said to me, "I saw Rita Wilson the other day." I responded, "Was the bitch's tits on fire, because why should I care?" And I wonder why I have no friends that actually like me.

Anyway, congrats to these two! Don't let the engagement ring get too settled, because I'm sure that shit is going to come off in a few months. I'm getting major "this ain't gonna last" vibes from these two dehydrated turnips.

Another bitch has just jumped over that overused moon. Call the damn fire department to get that bitch down, so we can slap her with a pancake for using that phrase. Yes, Geri Halliwell is engaged and she told her friend, "I am over the moon. We are so happy. He constantly makes me smile. I could not be happier."

If my friend told me that, I'd push her off her chair and quit that bitch. The government needs to set up some kind of camp over the damn moon for bitches to go and stay there forever if they say that shit. Go over the stupid moon and don't leave.

So, 36-year-old Geri is engaged to Italian yacht tycoon Fabrizio Politi. Italian yacht tycoon?! Is this a fucking Jackie Collins novel? Is Geri going to change her name to Lucky? She should.

Geri and Fabby (that's totally what his boyfriends call him) have only been dating for two months. They might last month at a club in Florence. Geri's spokeswhore confirms they are promised to be married, but said they aren't making wedding plans anytime soon. The Daily Mirror (via Press Association) says Fabby gave Geri a £220,000 diamond engagement ring.

Geri's friend also added, "Geri is desperate for another brother or sister for her daughter, and to have a man in her life who can be a father to them. It feels right and they are both very happy."

Um. By the looks of her new man, I think her daughter does have a new sister. Fabby looks like his tongue has done laps around the peen once or twice. And she already has two men in her life! Are Scary Spice and Sporty Spice chop liver? Rude!

But I will raise my mug of Sanka to Geri this morning, because it sounds like Fabby shits gold (along with glitter). I say, get that ring, get that money and get out!

Here's Geri, her daughter Bluebell Madonna (HA!) and Fabby buying oranges in London the other day.

Snort a little Red Bell, because I'm sure just looking at these two pieces of wet cardboard people is making you feel sleepy-like. Methinks even they are bored with themselves, because they keep getting engaged! A couple of weeks ago there were rumors that Tom Brady asked Gis Bundchen to be his wife or some shit. Now People says they got engaged on Friday. For real, this time! Uh huh. Tom probably keeps proposing to her because the boredom eats away at his memory.

Some source said Tom and Gis will make an official announcement soon. The source went on to say, "The couple is discussing a huge fashionista event in the spring or a more intimate and quicker ceremony in Costa Rica, where Gisele has a home."

You know, I'm trying to think of something to say, but I really don't give a fuck. And I'm sorry to drag you down with me. Allow me to apologize. Wash away the zzzzzs in your head with this video made from 100% raw sex. You know you want to kiss his "girls"....and you'll like it. And can somebody put an Amber Alert out on my genitals. They went missing after I watched this shit.

Pure Sex Video VIA CBS

Celebwhore relationships are like ass pimples. When you pop one, another one grows in its place shortly after. Yesterday, two Hollyweird couples went bust, and today another announced they are gettin' married!

Alyssa Milano's spokeswhore told People that she's engaged to some Shrek-beast-type-man who goes by the name of David Bugliari. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure he's a wonderful person. And by "wonderful person" I mean he probably has a big peen. Although, it kind of looks like he has a hairy dick trunk. That's what my peendar tells me anyway.

Dave is an agent at CAA. They've been dating for about a year. If they go through with this shit, it will be Alyssa's second marriage.

Alyssa is only 36 (that still makes me feel old) so she still has time for her third, fourth and fifth marriage. And she's also smart in the brains for marrying an agent. If you're a has-been, you should either marry an agent, marry an Arab billionaire, leak a sex tape or humiliate yourself in a reality show. The first two are definitely your classiest options.