Engagements

In a live streaming video, which must have been directed by The Maysles Brothers, Tila Tequila announced that she is engaged to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. This is the same Casey Johnson who was arrested for smearing her labia leche all over another lezzie's vibrator and stealing a bunch of her joo-ree.

Casey must have been stealing shit for cheap thrills, because Tila claims she's a bajazillionaire. And I just consulted with my 5-year-old cousin who let me know that a "bajazillionaire" is, like, way richer than a bazillionaire. This makes sense, because only a bajazillionaire could afford a 17-carat diamond engagement ring. Although, that ring does look suspiciously like the one my Peaches & Cream Barbie used to wear. And Barbie and Tila do have the same ring size.... Hmmmm...

Tila also added, "Anyway, we are going to make love tonight for our honeymoon." Okay, nobody tell Tila that the honeymoon happens after the wedding, because I really hate seeing elves cry. Speaking of tears...

I have a feeling this is going to end in a lot of them. Or it's going to end with Tila setting Casey's hair on fire.

And is it just me, or does Casey Johnson sound like Tori Amos with a handful of anal beads in her mouth? It's kind of driving me crazy.

There's a rumor going around that Loki's heartmate forever Mickey Rourke is about to make his 24-year-old Russian girlfriend Elena Kuletskaya his third wife. Since Mickey knows that his face can melt off at any minute, he's hoping to get married as soon as this April in Russia. Yes, Russia. Mickey is just looking for an excuse to have a wedding cake infused with 100 proof vodka. Does O'Casey's Pub in Manhattan also moonlight as a bakery? Anyway....

Page Six says that Mickey and Elena met on the set of Iron Man 2, where she was helping him learn Russian for his role as Whiplash. It was love at first salad tossing, and they have been inseparable ever since.

Mickey was married to Debra Feur in 1981 for 8 years. In 1992, he married his Wild Orchid co-star Carre Otis. Two years later, Mickey was arrested for Ike Turner-ing her, but they didn't divorce until 1998.

Mickey deserves forever love just like the Beast from Beauty and the Beast does. However, whenever a tiff with Elena makes Mickey's face boil like a pot of hot turkey chili, he just needs to sit on his hands so he doesn't have an encore of the Carre Otis shit.

And I approve of Mickey's choice, because Russian girls are my favorite. They know what is in important in life: diamonds, gold and cheap reproductions of baroque paintings. I can say that, because I'm half Russian. Okay, I'm not half Russian, but I'm pretty sure my body is 50% vodka. That counts!

It was just four months ago that Hulk and Linda Hogan's divorce became final. In the end, their nasty divorce war left Hulk with a raw asshole, chewed off nipples and a weepy checking account. Hulk must have the memory of a roid pimple, because he's about to walk down the aisle again. The NYDN says that Hulk is engaged to his girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel.

Hulk's brain is as fried as his hair and his girlfriend looks like she's cut from the same cloth as his daughter, so there's a good chance he accidentally proposed to the wrong orange linebacker. But he didn't, because TMZ caught up Hulk and Jennifer at LAX on Tuesday. Jennifer showed off her new ring, and Hulk said, "That could be the new Mrs. Hogan."

If I was Jennifer, I'd hire Elin Nordegren as my prenup specialist. Because Jennifer better get paid a Woods-worth for rubbing her parts all over Hulk's rotisserie chicken body. Seriously, you should never suck on jerky peen like that for nothing!

And if I was Brooke, I'd constantly walk around with a big sign over my titties that read: "STOP: I'm Your Daughter."

Chelsea Clinton and her boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky are officially engaged. Like for real this time. There were rumors that the two already attached ball and chains to their ankles in Martha's Vineyard this past summer, but that was just all a lie. They sent out this e-mail to friends and family:

"We're sorry for the mass email but we wanted to wish everyone a belated Happy Thanksgiving! We also wanted to share that we are engaged! We didn't get married this past summer despite the stories to the contrary, but we are looking toward next summer and hope you all will be there to celebrate with us. Happy Holidays! Chelsea & Marc"

Hooray. Pass out the cigars.... Actually, that probably isn't a smart move.

And in hotter news, while I was looking for a picture of Chelsea and Marc, I came across this stunning work of art that made my fingers stop in their tracks and my skin catch on fire for a quick second (insert your flamer joke here):

This gorgeous plate of fried tomatoes and sauteed eggplant was photographed outside of a Barbara Streisand concert, which was attended by Chelsea. I really hope Chelsea makes this woman her flower memaw. She deserves the position.

Anyway, congrats to Chelsea and Marc. And thanks to them, because if they didn't get engaged I would've never come across this gorgeous specimen.

According to sources (aka all the Kardashian skanks), Khloe Kardashian is going to marry L.A. Lakers player Lamar Odom, who she has been dating for approximately 15-seconds. Sources confirm the news to People, E! and UsWeekly. The latter claims they will be married in about two weeks once they get the OK from the state of California that a human man and a beast can legally marry.

The source said, "Khloe and Lamar want to get married before Lamar has to go away for training, and the season starts up. They are hoping to pull together a wedding within the next two weeks so they can get married and have time for a honeymoon. They haven't decided where they will say 'I Do,' but they are scouting out numerous locations, including Khloe's family home in Calabasas, CA."

The marriage will be the first for both. Lamar currently has a 10-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old son with a former girlfriend. They also had a second son together who passed away from SIDS a few years ago.

Okay, Khloe and Lamar have been dating a little longer than 15-seconds. Apparently, they've been rubbing peens for a few weeks now. This worries me. Does this mean Khloe is currently housing a beast baby in her stomach?! NOOOO! It's the end of the world as we know it. Once Khloe pops out her BABY!!!, it will leap from her vag and wreak havoc on the entire world. Doomed.

And do we really need another knocked Kardashian yap-yap-yapping about everything from her pregnant queefs to the fact that doesn't even really know how babies are made.

Spokeswhores for both Emily Blunt and John Krasinski confirm that they are well on their way to ruining their lives by getting married. Sorry about that last part. Celestia must've jumped in me for a second.

26-year-old Emily Blunt and 29-year-old John Karsinski started dating in November 2008 shortly after she quit it with Michael Buble.

If I was John, I'd take her name if they get married. John Blunt. Now that is a name. And I've written "Blunt" so many times in this post that I think I deserve one.

VIA UsWeekly (Image: Bauer Griffin)

Spokeswhores for both Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that the two are going to go down the aisle, kiss in front of a preacher and do all that wedding stuff, because they are engaged. I hope that when they are pronounced vampire and telepath, Stephen turns to everyone and declares, "Sookeh iz mahn!" And then Sookie will sigh and say, "Awwww Beeehl." Seriously, their Southern accents are the best. By the "best," I mean the worst. Anyway.....

27-year-old Anna and 39-year-old Stephen first met on the set of True Blood. They somehow fell in love between filming scenes of them making fake bloody love to each other. Their reps say they started dating on February 24th (SO EXACT!).

Stephen has two children from another relationship. There's been a few rumors that Stephen dropped his old piece to pick up Anna. If that's the case, come on down, Anna! Sienna Miller would like to proudly welcome you into the Bull Dozer Vagina Club!

P.S. - Doesn't Stephen Moyer look totally differenct without his face covered in white flour, translucent foundation (shade: Nicole Kidman) and geisha snot?

Jennifer Love Hewitt canceled her engagement to Ross McCall earlier this year and immediately replaced his peen with Jamie Kennedy's. I understand that JLove doesn't want her vagina to go cold, but bitch doesn't need to get engaged to her rebound dick! Page Six claims JLove has done just that.

On Saturday night, Jamie Kennedy played the Laugh Factory in Long Beach, CA. About two hours into his set, Jamie called JLove up to the stage so she could sing. I'm guessing JLove didn't sing an acoustic version of "How Do I Deal," because there was still a person in the audience to yell "MARRY HER!" to Jamie. A witness says that's when Jamie "got down on one knee and asked her to marry him." We're talking about JLove here, so of course her ass said yes. If the crusty corn on my toe asked JLove to marry it, she'd say yes.

Jamie could've just been joking, but you don't joke with JLove like that! Bitch took this for serious. She probably already called the wedding planner and said, "Yeah, just do the same shit as the last one."

One day JLove is going to wake up to find that her engagement finger is missing. Her finger is going to detach itself from her hand and quit that bitch. It's sick of the back and forth!

The Tush and The Bush are engaged to be married! That's what a rep for Kim Kardassian told Star Magazine. No word on when the wedding is. No word on when the baby is due either. SHUT UP! I know. That's the first thing I thought when I read that shit. Then I thought about how that fetus is going to be one lucky mofo. Obviously, Kim's womb will be his main home, but if he wants he can buy a timeshare in her ass. That way he has like a weekend place to chill out at. That fetus will be a jet setter before it's even born! From womb to ass to womb to life!

And Kim doesn't even have to worry about one of those ring bearing brats effing her wedding! She can carry the ring pillow on her ass! It's better that way. I've been to so many wedding where the ring bearer drops the ring. Everybody laughs, but you know the bride is thinking, "This little bitch is ruining my day." This won't happen to Kim, because she could balance a ping pong ball on her ass. And I'm sure she has in Tijuana.

Also, when Kim walks down the aisle, this will be the first time in history where the caboose actually leads the train.

UPDATE: Bitch ain't engaged. She wrote this on her blog, “I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidentally referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha.”

The greatest news of all-time was announced today in NYC! Cynthia Nixon told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally that she is officially becoming Mrs. Rojo Caliente!!!! REJOICE!!!!!!! May a million gayelle angels sing!

According to Access Hollywood, Cynthia said she got engaged to Rojo Caliente last month!!!!! Seriously, my heart actually beat when I heard the news and I can't remember the last time that happened! My heart cares! I could hug a strap-on! I could kiss a power tool! I could canoodle with a pair of Bugle Boy khakis (pleated, of course)! I could dance with a Home Depot card! I could skip hand-in-hand with a flannel shirt through a field of red ferns! This is the news I've been waiting to hear. Seriously, today should be declared an International holiday! As should the day they got engaged. As should the day they get married!

Rojo is going to make the most beautifulest bride in history!