Engagements

Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged to be married, for real this time! And please tell me Prince Hot Ginge is going to be ring bearer. And please PLEASE please lie to me and tell me that he's showing us in that picture above how he's going to carry the ring down the aisle.

Somewhere down in the bowels of Buckingham Palace, a team of mice are hard at work at making a delicate satin peen pillow for Prince Hot Ginge to carry the ring on. This is all I care about.

So yeah, in case you couldn't tell from the wails of your sisters and cousins screaming about how they were supposed to be princess, the royal family has pulled out their feather pen and wrote a wedding announcement on the linen scroll they've been keeping for this occasion. HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Release the doves (or the pigeons in dove suits since the entire world is in a recession)!!!!

The Prince of Wales is delighted to announce the engagement of Prince William to Miss Catherine Middleton.

The wedding will take place in the Spring or Summer of 2011, in London. Further details about the wedding day will be announced in due course.

Prince William and Miss Middleton became engaged in October during a private holiday in Kenya. Prince William has informed The Queen and other close members of his family. Prince William has also sought the permission of Miss Middleton's father.

Following the marriage, the couple will live in north Wales, where Prince William will continue to serve with the Royal Air Force.

After 9 long years of polishing the royal jewels and slowly crawling towards the crown, Kate Middleton has done it! Gold diggers of the world slip on your white gloves and gracefully clap for Kate. THE CROWN DIGGER IS VICTORIOUS!

And while you're clapping, please say a small prayer that Prince Hot Ginge holds a worldwide competition to be his +1 at the wedding. Add in your prayer that the contest rules state: 1) Must be able to snort vodka without gagging (I've been practicing). 2) Must have a tongue that won't jump for safety when a river of sexy lava comes at it (again, I've been practicing). 3) Must wear an elegant ensemble fit for a royal event (again again, I've got this).

This is sooo my GOLDEN TICKET!

Jessica Simpson is engaged, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that her ex-husband Nick Lachey is ALSO engaged to that Vanessa Manilallaoolala trick. NOTHING. No, Papa Joe didn't run out to the nearest Zales, pick up the shiniest ring in the 50% off tray and then tape a picture of Eric Johnson's face to his head to get on one knee to propose to his owner daughter. And no, Papa Joe didn't find Eric rifling through Jessica's pocket book to tell him that he'll drop a little bonus in his payroll check if he just goes along with the engagement. NO! None of that happened. Eric proposed because nothing makes his heart beat like Jessica's edible farts.

A source tells UsWeekly that after 6 months of dating, Eric asked Jessica to be his wife on Thursday. Jessica had a giant ring on her gettin' hitched finger while promoting her clothing line at Dillard's in Kansas City. Jessica's spokeswhore confirmed this shit to People: "Yes, we are excited to confirm that they are engaged!"

YES! Shots fired! The bride wars start now. And no, it's not going to go down between Jessica and Vanessa. If anybody's going to be brawlin' over veils in Kleinfeld's showroom it's going to be Vanessa and Papa Joe. I can't wait for that episode of Say Yes to the Dress.

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes recently EHEHEHEHEHEHE-ed about a Twit Pic of him fake proposing to her in front of their future wedding chariot of love. They said it was all just a joke. But E! News is now saying that Eddie has slipped a shiny ring (bought with LeAnn's AMEX) on Falcor's paw before jumping on her back to take a celebratory ride through Fantastica. Apparently, the two are engaged for real. Yeah, I'm not sure I'll believe this until I see a wolf with a boy's head in his mouth. This is what E! has to say about this mess:

Eddie Cibrian is going to make an honest woman out of LeAnn Rimes. Though it didn't happen on Halloween, the recently divorced actor indeed popped the question recently and the duo are engaged, a source tells E! News.

So no wonder Brandi Glanville wants to have a civil sit-down with her kids' future stepmom... Glanville, who has two children with Cibrian, told E! News today that she planned to meet with her sworn enemy pal-in-the-making next week.

That stampeding noise you hear isn't LeAnn running around gloating to anybody and everybody about this shit. It's the mob of bitches screaming "What goes around, comes around...karma....blah blah blah". But I say, good for these two wrong bitches.

I mean, LeAnn is obviously with Eddie because the dick hits her right. The dick is so good that it has her nostrils flaring like a coked up bull and makes her squint so hard that Eddie has to pry her eyelids off with a wooden spatula. And Eddie's with LeAnn, because he likes to buy purdy and shiny things. So it's a mutually beneficial relationship that will probably end with a story on Radar Online about how Eddie down low dicked some cocktail waitress on LeAnn's favorite chair. But so what.

Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously?

Fire up the "L. Ron Hubbard wedding minister" hologram, tell Suri Cruise to pull out her barley girl dress, and decorate the space car with cans, because there's going to be a great big Scientology wedding (but probably not). Bruised Peaches Geldof and her boyfriend Eli Roth recently celebrated the impossible: SIX LONG MONTHS TOGETHER. It's like celebrating an extra chunky skidmark on your favorite chonies that just can't be scrubbed out. YAY! And here we thought that this beautiful union would end as soon as the drugs evaporated from Eli's system. That trip keeps trippin'.

Peaches and Eli continued the celebrations last night by having dinner at The Ivy in London. Not only did Peaches wear a coat made from Eli's freshly plucked butt hairs, but she also wore some kind of ring on THAT FINGER. A 14k publicity whore ring whose sparkles just scream "WRITE ABOUT ME!!!!" And here I am doing it.

Now I'm not saying that Eli didn't propose to Peaches (all-you-can pump ass sex is a major selling point for marriage), but I am saying that the ring is most likely her promise to fame to keep fucking it until death (or the loss of all her Twitter followers) do them part!

The obsessed Twihards who write RPattz daily love letters on their freshly worn panties should never stop, because there's a chance that one day in the far future when he's going through all his fan mail from the glory days he'll look down at the period dot on your chonies and instantly fall in love. Just ask 57-year-old Butch Patrick who played Eddie Munster on The Munsters. Butch is marrying his longtime fan Donna McCall. Donna first wrote Butch a fan letter back in 1964 and their pen pal relationship continued for a few years.

They eventually lost touch with each other until Donna, a retired pharmacist, e-mailed Butch a couple of years ago to say that she was thinking of him. Butch wrote her back and their love was born again! Butch just moved to West Chester, PA from Los Angeles to be with his new fiancee. Donna told MyFoxPhilly, "My first crush was Butch Patrick. I met him for the first time, but I feel like I've known him forever. It's a great love story. We're very happy together."

This is just the battery I need to keep my delusional dream of marrying Mah Boo Anderson Cooper one day going strong. Yes, I'll have to wait until all the silver on his head has turned to rust and he can't giggle without coughing up a Metamucil-flavored moth ball, but it will happen!

Here's a picture of Donna and Eddie Munster today.

And yes, that's Eddie Munster and not his old doll Woof Woof.

UsWeekly is saying that while prolific philosopher Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green were vacationing in Hawaii a couple of weeks ago, he got down on one knee in the sand, pulled out an engagement ring and sang "Be, be, be my love....oh-ooooooooooh" to her. Brian was so lost in his own sweet sweet groove that he accidentally dropped the ring in the sand and lost it. You know the ring saw Megan Fox's face and immediately quit that bitch, because it didn't want to be attached to her for the next few months. Truthery.

A source says that staff from the hotel spent their precious time trying to look for the ring. The source went on to say, "I saw her jumping up and down. Later, I saw a half dozen staff sifting through the sand. Security and maintenance staff spent a couple of hours looking for it. No one found it."

That's because there was no ring in the first place. Brian Austin Green faked that bitch out. Dude pulled a "Oh, here's a 10-carat diamond ring for you....Woops....I dropped it...Oh no...I spent all my money on that so now I have to buy you something from Zales" shit! Dude might be more of a genius than her if you can believe that.

UPDATE: Megan's rep tells People that it is true, she's engaged. Try not to care too much.

Bobby Brown is going to marry a woman who has obviously not seen one episode of Being Bobby Brown and was living in the back of a cave when he was married to Whitney Houston. Because honestly, I thought only Whitney Houston was crazy ass crazy enough to marry Baaaaahbaaaay B! But apparently not.

People says that Bobby proposed to his girlfriend of three years, music manager Alicia Etheridge, on stage at the Funk Fest in Jacksonville, FL on Friday night. While Alicia held their baby son, Bobby got down on one knee and asked her if she would let him pop her doody bubbles for the rest of their days. Alicia said yes and then her colon exhaled.

I'll stop throwing shade for one minute to congratulate Bobby and the woman who may or may not have a tattoo of herself on her arm (my guess is that the tattoo is of a loved one who is now an angel in heaven).

And I really hope Whit Whit agrees to sing at their wedding, because she'll bring down the tent faster than a drunk pole dancer.

Wash out the image from your head of Dame Elizabeth Taylor rolling down the wedding aisle in a wheelchair decorated with paper swans and rhinestone garland, because she is not going to marry Jason Winters (the piece on left)after all. On Friday, UsWeekly said that Dame Liz recently got engaged to Jason. Dame Liz set the record straight on Twitter and wants you to know that Jason is only a friend.

# The rumors regarding my engagement simply aren't true. Jason is my manager and dearest friend. I love him with all my heart.
about 5 hours ago via web

So when Dame Liz howled in woe at the thought of marrying again, she meant it!

Actually, don't wash the image of Dame Liz rolling down the aisle just yet, because now that she's not marrying Jason, she can devote all her time to planning her fake commitment ceremony to her true TRUE true love Kathy Ireland. In case you need proof of Dame Liz's permanent hard-on for Kathy, here you go:

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
10:48 PM Sep 28th, 2009 via web

This can be the cover of their invitation:

This needs to happen!

78-year-old Dame Elizabeth Taylor is going to roll down the aisle for the 9th time! This is what some source tells UsWeekly anyway. The source says that Dame Liz is engaged to her 49-year-old longtime piece Jason Winters.

The source said hat Jason isn't cut from the same gold digging cloth as Larry Fortensky. Jason is a talent manager who counts Janet Jackson as one of his clients. He recently bought a house for Liz.

Another source added, "It's no secret that they've been together forever and are in love, so it wouldn't be a surprise if they were engaged. Right now they are keeping it between them."

Liz and Jason have neither confirmed or denied this shit.

Oldies can do whatever the hell they want. If she wants to marry for the fiftieth time so that she can bone like a newlywed, let her! Although, I'll let Joel McHale remind Liz about what she said when Inside Edition asked her about marriage.

If Liz is getting married, the Three Wolf Moon better be her bridesmaids.

Aaron Carter, who has a face that can make any meth pipe swoon, is engaged to be married for the second time in his twenty....um...twenty....err...twenty...hurg....twenty....spit...twenty....no, even I can't type that out with straight fingers. Just click here for his age.

Anyway, Aaron proposed recently to his 19-year-old student/dancer/sadomasochist girlfriend Maile Hochuli in the middle of watching Alice in Wonderland at the movie theater.

Some source tells Star Magazine, "Aaron took Maile to the movie Alice in Wonderland, which she has been dying to see. She didn't get to see the end of the movie though because Aaron got down on a knee and proposed with a beautiful pear shaped diamond ring! Maile was completely overjoyed and said yes immediately! Aaron and Maile have only been dating for a short period of time but they are both extremely happy. This is the happiest I have ever seen Maile."

I'm sure the other hos in the theater were thrilled when Aaron interrupted the movie. You know some pissed off bitch asked for the manager for a refund after they were forced to watch Aaron's face contort like a ready-to-explode hemorrhoid while crying in front of his girlfriend when she accepted his proposal. Not even processed butter can kill that taste in your mouth.

Aaron was last engaged to that tragic gutter creature Kari Ann Peniche, but it only lasted a quick second. Aaron's relationship to this Maile girl will last longer, I'm sure. She's young, so her heart can take it when she opens up her eyes to that face every morning.