Engagements

You see that little ring Halle Berry is sporting? Some say it's an engagement ring from her hot sperm donor, Gabriel Aubry. Sources say Gabriel proposed to Halle with his grandmother's ring, because he felt the time is right.

A source told Showbiz Spy, "Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family." Uh huh and he'll be accepted into the Berry fortune!

If I was Halle Berry - Well, if I was Halle Berry I would spend a few hours playing with my chichis in the mirror. After I finished with that, I would head on over to KMart and pick up a bike lock. I'd immediately fasten that lock over Gabriel's dick! She better put it in the prenup that Gabriel must wear a dick lock at all times.

Even better, Halle should contact Playstation 3 to have Gabriel's hot dick replaced with one of those thumb dicks. The sexiest thing he can do with a thumb dick is participate in a thumb wrestling match.

Owen Wilson is planning to marry Kate Hudson a year after he tried to off himself over their break-up. Yes, commemorate one tragedy with another! The News of the World reports that Owen proposed to Kate in Miami and wants to marry her next year. The Florida humidity must eff with some of these people's brains. Owen marrying Kate? Aniston and Mayer?

A source told The News of the World, “Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional.”

Screw Kate! Owen should marry his one true love, Woody Harrelson! Nobody understands him the way Woody does. Mary Jane can be the maid of honor and a hookah pipe can be the best man.

ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are engaged! No! No! No! Scar's rep has confirmed it to People, "They're both thrilled." Yeah, all 4 of them. ScarJo, Ryan and her two enormous chichis.

ScarJo is expected to show off her engagement ring at tonight's Costume Institute Gala at the MET in NYC. Sources say that she can't wait to show it off. Oh please let Alanis Morissette be there too! I need her to gallop up to Ryan and say, "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" The answer is no, but we don't need to tell Alanis that.

ScarJo also has a shitty album coming out. Coincidence? I think not! Getting engaged is suddenly the new way to promote your album. Mariah Carey....Asshole Simpson....

Mimi wore what looked like to be an engagement ring to the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "Tennessee" this past weekend and now Access Hollywood claims Nick Cannon gave her the ring. A source confirmed to them that 27-year-old Nick popped the question to 38-year-old Mimi.

Nick reportedly bought the ring for $2.5 million at Jacob & Company. That bitch can't afford that shit! Please, he bought that shit at Claire's in the Queens mall. Mimi better do the glass cut test on it.

This wedding will be a tacky organza mess. It will be like when you were little and your Barbie married Ken. Your mom never bought you the Barbie wedding dress, so you used organza napkins to make your own. Barbie came riding down the aisle on your little poodle's back. Ok, I'm totally talking about myself. Anyway, that's what Mimi's wedding will be like.

That being said, this wedding won't happen. Mimi should marry a Russian billionaire who will buy her a real life unicorn and pay to have a species of butterfly named after her. Nick Cannon doesn't deserve her crazy ass.

What do you say when you're trying to stop a wedding? Is there any kind of official lingo? I guess, "That skank likes pussy!" will work. I'm going to need to know this just in case The National Enquirer (via dig spy) is right. They claim Penelope Cruz is going to marry Javier Bardem. This bitch has no idea.

A source claims Javier's momma, Pilar, told him to marry Penny, "Pilar took her son aside and told him, 'What's the matter with you? She's perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'" The sourcie goes on to say that they will marry later this year. Over my skinny ass dead body.

Somebody help me put these razors in my hair. A rumble is going down. Penny could totally kick my dirty nalgas though. She would shout shit in her cockatoo voice and it would confuse the hell out of me and that's when she'd deliver the fatal blow. Yeah, I'm not fucking with that snatch.

2008 is all about sabotaging weddings. First, we have to hit up the Depp nuptials and now we gotta wreak havoc on Penny's special day.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz just announced their engagement. Try not to roll your eyes too much or they'll stay that way forever. Asshole posted this message on the Friends or Enemies website:

We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."

Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." You know that man is crying inside. At least he still has Jessica. Nobody's going to marry her annoying ass unless he pays them. Papa Joe probably coordinated this shit. Ashlee does have a new album coming out soon. Publicity stunt!

Her maid of honor is totally going to be a flat iron and his best man is going to be black eyeliner.

Kate Moss was recently in Amsterdam with her Count Von Count boyfriend when she let the words "I'm Getting Married" pass through her snagtooth. The Sun claims Kate shouted those words while hanging out in a bar. Please, we've ALL shouted those words after a few cocktails.

A witness said, “The pair were in a bar looking very loved-up. Kate was so excited it looked like she had just accepted his proposal there and then. She was very happy.

“She came out giggling and seemed a little bit tipsy. Lots of fans were taking her picture on their mobile phones. She told them, ‘I’m getting married.’ One girl asked her when, and she said, ‘Soon’.”

Note to witness: Kate Moss is always tipsy. Kate's friends are happy, because she's not marrying Pete Doherty. They are glad she's finally found someone and won't go back to Pete. YEAH RIGHT! Those two dirty cats were meant to be together. Pete is going to show up to her wedding and serenade her with his crack lullabies and he will be heroin in her hands.

Kate has been engaged to Johnny Depp and Pete Doherty. She didn't marry either one of them. Count Von Count should know that if he wants to stay with Kate, he shouldn't have popped the question. This shit is doommed.

A family source has told People that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears has been showing off an engagement ring given to her by Casey Aldridge. Let's try and guess where Casey bought this lovely bauble? I'm thinking it's between Wal-Mart, HSN, QVC or he got it from a Cracker Jacks box and felt that was a sign.

The source said, "She's got an engagement ring. She's been showing it off, talking about it." 18-year-old Casey and Jamie Lynn's baby is due in the Summer. They have also been looking to buy a home near Kentwood.

QUICK! Somebody get on the clam with CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding" right now. Jamie Lynn and Casey's blessed event needs to be documented for TV.

It's going to be the hottest wedding ever. Just think of the food and decoration alone! Brit Brit is totally going to show up in her old wedding dress, because she will not let the spotlight fall on Jamie Lynn.

Someone needs to tell Sarah Larson that she needs to get knocked up first and then get married. That's the Hollywood way. It's been reported that George Clooney has finally asked Sarah to marry him. The two started dating last year when Sarah served Georgie drinks at an event in Las Vegas. Since then she's quit her $200,000 a year job and is traveling with George full-time. She was a cocktail waitress and making that much money? More like a COCK and tail waitress.

Sources say the two will tie the knot at Georgie's Lake Como, Italy home this Summer. A source said, "They haven’t made any announcement yet, but there are people in this town who know more than me. They say the couple are already engaged."

People from Sarah's past have already started writing about her on a blog called MonsterFresh. They have posted Sarah's hilarious high school pictures. Unfortunately, there's nothing really juicy. Sarah seems nice and normal. Dammit! I want to hear the juicy escort stories about how she strapped on for her johns. I know those stories exist!

This lovely woman went on TV in the UK this morning to propose to her boyfriend. She surprised him at work and this is why you should never propose to someone in public unless you are 100% sure they want to marry your ass. First of all, she should have gotten on her knees, so that she could look him in the eye when popping the question. Second of all, he accepted her proposal, but you know when the cameras turned off he whispered to her, "I was only joking."

Love is so wonderful. Happy Leap Year to all! How the hell do you celebrate Leap Year anyway? Get drunk you say? Sounds like a plan to me.

Thanks Francesca