Engagements

Rachel Bilson, Seth Cohen's forever girl from The OC, and the dude who ruined Darth Vadar are engaged to be married. Their Google search ranking must have fell off the charts, so they decided to pull this. It was either that or a sex tape, but I don't know if Hayden is up for that shit.

Page Six says some dude was on a flight with Rachel and noticed a ring on her finger, so he asked if she was married. She responded, "I'm not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I'm 15, but I'm actually 27." One of Rachel's friends also told People, "They're a great couple. Rachel seems thrilled beyond belief."

I've heard a queer story about Rachel's new fiance, but the friend who told me could've been on some of the bad shit and mistook Hayden for some random trick. Who knows. My friend said his nutsack smelled like guinea pig poop. Okay, when a friend tells you something like that, it's time to check them off the list and walk away. Their services are no longer needed.

When I first saw the headline at UsWeekly, I thought it read: "Rep: Mandy Moore Engaged to BRYAN Adams." This confused me at first but then I got all excited thinking of their Robin Hood themed wedding and Bryan singing "Everything I Do (I Do It For You) " while he walks himself down the aisle. Somebody needs to have a Robin Hood themed wedding and it should be Bryan. But my cum bubble burst when I read it was Ryan not Bryan. Booo.

I didn't even know they were dating. Or did I? I don't know. All those boring broccoli people are all the fucking same. According to Us, Mandy has been picking the fleas out of Ryan's hair since around March. They broke up in July for a quick second. Mandy's spokeswhore confirmed the engagement.

Mandy has bumped stickies with DJ Am, Zach Braff, Wilmer Valderwhatever and Andy Roddick. Ryan has dated Parker Posey before.

I hope Ryan keeps that gorgeous hair color for the wedding. It's Autumn Sunrise and I like it.

Claire Danes, aka forever Angela Chase to me, is promised to be married to a British actor-type named Hugh Dancy. Hugh is in that Shopaholic movie and was also in the greatest cinematic experience of 2006: Basic Instinct 2. I would marry the bitch for that fact alone.

Well, in case you haven't fallen asleep you at this ultra exciting news, let me tell you that Claire's spokeswhore confirmed the shit to People. 29-year-old Claire and 33-year-old Hugh began slapping each other's private areas a little over a year ago. Wouldn't it be a bitch if homegirl was knocked up and Hugh left her ass for Mary Louise-Parker midway through that shit? Passing the homewrecker baton!

A few summers ago, I saw Angela Chase walking down the street with an umbrella and a half-full Trader Joe's paper bag. That's it. Nothing else happened. Since this post is about her skinny ass, I figured I'd throw in that "who cares" fact. Everyone does that shit to me! The other night, a friend said to me, "I saw Rita Wilson the other day." I responded, "Was the bitch's tits on fire, because why should I care?" And I wonder why I have no friends that actually like me.

Anyway, congrats to these two! Don't let the engagement ring get too settled, because I'm sure that shit is going to come off in a few months. I'm getting major "this ain't gonna last" vibes from these two dehydrated turnips.

Another bitch has just jumped over that overused moon. Call the damn fire department to get that bitch down, so we can slap her with a pancake for using that phrase. Yes, Geri Halliwell is engaged and she told her friend, "I am over the moon. We are so happy. He constantly makes me smile. I could not be happier."

If my friend told me that, I'd push her off her chair and quit that bitch. The government needs to set up some kind of camp over the damn moon for bitches to go and stay there forever if they say that shit. Go over the stupid moon and don't leave.

So, 36-year-old Geri is engaged to Italian yacht tycoon Fabrizio Politi. Italian yacht tycoon?! Is this a fucking Jackie Collins novel? Is Geri going to change her name to Lucky? She should.

Geri and Fabby (that's totally what his boyfriends call him) have only been dating for two months. They might last month at a club in Florence. Geri's spokeswhore confirms they are promised to be married, but said they aren't making wedding plans anytime soon. The Daily Mirror (via Press Association) says Fabby gave Geri a £220,000 diamond engagement ring.

Geri's friend also added, "Geri is desperate for another brother or sister for her daughter, and to have a man in her life who can be a father to them. It feels right and they are both very happy."

Um. By the looks of her new man, I think her daughter does have a new sister. Fabby looks like his tongue has done laps around the peen once or twice. And she already has two men in her life! Are Scary Spice and Sporty Spice chop liver? Rude!

But I will raise my mug of Sanka to Geri this morning, because it sounds like Fabby shits gold (along with glitter). I say, get that ring, get that money and get out!

Here's Geri, her daughter Bluebell Madonna (HA!) and Fabby buying oranges in London the other day.

Snort a little Red Bell, because I'm sure just looking at these two pieces of wet cardboard people is making you feel sleepy-like. Methinks even they are bored with themselves, because they keep getting engaged! A couple of weeks ago there were rumors that Tom Brady asked Gis Bundchen to be his wife or some shit. Now People says they got engaged on Friday. For real, this time! Uh huh. Tom probably keeps proposing to her because the boredom eats away at his memory.

Some source said Tom and Gis will make an official announcement soon. The source went on to say, "The couple is discussing a huge fashionista event in the spring or a more intimate and quicker ceremony in Costa Rica, where Gisele has a home."

You know, I'm trying to think of something to say, but I really don't give a fuck. And I'm sorry to drag you down with me. Allow me to apologize. Wash away the zzzzzs in your head with this video made from 100% raw sex. You know you want to kiss his "girls"....and you'll like it. And can somebody put an Amber Alert out on my genitals. They went missing after I watched this shit.

Pure Sex Video VIA CBS

Celebwhore relationships are like ass pimples. When you pop one, another one grows in its place shortly after. Yesterday, two Hollyweird couples went bust, and today another announced they are gettin' married!

Alyssa Milano's spokeswhore told People that she's engaged to some Shrek-beast-type-man who goes by the name of David Bugliari. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure he's a wonderful person. And by "wonderful person" I mean he probably has a big peen. Although, it kind of looks like he has a hairy dick trunk. That's what my peendar tells me anyway.

Dave is an agent at CAA. They've been dating for about a year. If they go through with this shit, it will be Alyssa's second marriage.

Alyssa is only 36 (that still makes me feel old) so she still has time for her third, fourth and fifth marriage. And she's also smart in the brains for marrying an agent. If you're a has-been, you should either marry an agent, marry an Arab billionaire, leak a sex tape or humiliate yourself in a reality show. The first two are definitely your classiest options.

I was a little worried when my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and that steaming cup of hot douche water Maksim Chmerkovskiy were pictured holding hands last September. I became a little more worried when Maksim called CHERYL BURKE a fat mop, because that's something douchebags in love say about the object of their affection. I am pleased to announce that Maksim is promised to be married and it's not to Mop Head. It's to Mario Lopez's former beard: Karina Smirnoff Ice.

E! News says that 28-year-old Maksim asked 30-year-old Smirnoff Ice to be his on New Year's Eve. They apparently became loooovers while traveling together on the Dancing with the Has-Beens tour. They are both from Ukraine, so I'm hoping their wedding will be filled with gold, white feathers and rhinestones. Naturally.

I sort of knew they were humping on each other's fake-tanned asses, but this whole "getting married" thing is a little surprising. The thought probably popped into Maksim's pretty little head all of a sudden. He immediately bopped Smirnoff Ice over the head with his club, dragged her to his cave which is covered in pictures of himself (you know it is) and said to her, "You be my wife." If I was to ever get engaged, that's how I want it to go down.

And Karina should get her nose rotated again before the wedding. Her nose is starting to look like a lizard's head and that's not pretty.

It is a sloooow slooowwwwww gossip day. Somebody please go and wake Brit Brit up and tell her now is a great time for her to crash the crazy train again. I swear. I went to Winchell's to get a fucking bear claw for breakfast, came back and there was this story on TMZ. I figured some of you broccoli lovers might care, so here it is.

Two pretty rich boring people got engaged. Wow, right? Tom Brady apparently asked Gis Buttchin to be his wifey while they were riding on a private jet from New Jersey to Boston on Christmas Eve. Tom proposed to Gis in front of her parents, she said yes and then Bridget Moynahan wet queefed.

Seriously, you know Bridge is laughing her ass off at this, because as soon as Gis gets knocked up, Tom will be taking his peen to another snatch. Trust this.

And now that we've gotten this exciting story out of the way, let's all get drunk at T.G.I. Friday's and then go terrorize the conservative memaws at Kohl's by throwing a panty party in the middle of the "intimates" section.

Kendra Wilkinson is engaged! Engaged to a dude with a peen! That was the shocking part for me. I might be alone in this, but I always thought Kendra was the "Peppermint Patty" of the "Girls Next Door." I wonder if Peppermint Patty and Marcie ever moved to Vermont and opened up a general store where they sell Birkenstocks, granola and patchouli oil. That was always my vision.

Anyway, Hef tells UsWeekly that Kendra is promised to be married to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett, "Kendra Wilkinson has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with. He popped the question last Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June."

Aw. That's sweet. Given away by your former pimp.

Hand Basket (typo and it stays) is a total upgrade for Kendra. The girlfriend of a zombie corpse to the wife of a baseball player! Or is it basketball? Or soccer? Whatever! I know, he plays with balls for a living. That's all that matters.

Hopefully, Kendra will work on controlling her laugh during her wedding. Kendra's cackle hurts my bones. That laugh will kill her wedding.

Corey Haim is engaged to something other than an 8-ball. Corey announced on his website that he's going to marry horror actress Tiffany Shepis on May 9, 2009. The two lovebirds first met 12 years on the set of "Fever Lake." They reunited recently at some autograph show.

If you're interested in sending the happy couple a gift, they're registered with Corey's dealer.

Hopefully, Corey Feldman will stop the wedding and whisk Corey Haim away. Those two really belong together. They know it and we know it. If Corey Haim does go through with the wedding, I'm sure an annulment will be filed as soon as the wedding "party favors" wear off.

VIA SOW