Charlie Sheen

If you build a porn convention, Charlie Sheen will come... Well, technically it will take a marathon handjob, a couple of lube kegs, a few Viagra freebases, a dozen girl-on-girl shows, a full petting zoo and the cast of Little Legends to make Charlie come close to cumming since coke is a known jizz plug. But what I'm trying to say is that the Adult Entertainment Expo hit Las Vegas over the weekend and of course Charlie was there with bells on his cock ring. TMZ says that even though his bosses want him to go to rehab, he was downing vodka shots and partying with porn stars including 23-year-old Bree Olson (the jam licker above).

Sources say that Grey Goose and Bree Olson weren't Charlie's only party favors in the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms Casino. Charlie also brought two other porn stars up to his room. UsWeekly says that before they went up to his suite, Charlie was whining to people at the bar that executives from CBS are begging him to dry out. And of course, Charlie answered their pleas by making his liver scream for mercy and humping on Bree, who won the AVN for Best Anal Scene in 2008, thankyouverymuch.

Charlie Sheen partying with porn stars in Las Vegas is just like my therapist hanging up on me every time I call. It's not a shocking event! As long as Charlie's got a checking account full of cash, he's going to snort lines off of leased pussy. It's just the way. But Charlie does have a way of finding the most dedicated pussy peddlers out there. Imagine sucking on Charlie's permasoft coked up peen? That's some comatose dick and it's not even trying to get up. MAN DOWN CODE 10 dick. Giving Charlie a blow job would be like trying to eat a giant piece of dry brisket without any teeth. You're just gumming on that shit and waiting for it to go down. That takes real patience.

Capri Anderson (born name: Christina Walsh), the leased piece who felt the terror when she stared into Charlie Sheen's coke canals of impending doom last month, made the media rounds yesterday to talk about the night Carlos Irwin Estevez brought the rage and forced her to lock her half-nekkid ass in the bathroom. Capri told both Good Morning America and Nightline that Charlie choked her ass out and threw a bunch of furniture at her after accusing her of stealing one of his fancy watches. Capri admitted that she was given $3,500 that night for her ho shit services and also said that Charlie tried to seal her mouth shut with a check for $20,000. But Charlie's queefing out a totally different story.

Charlie denies both choking Capri and trying to buy her off for $20,000. Charlie says that Capri is the one who tried to snatch $1 million out of his ass in exchange for her silence. Charlie believes his story so much that he's suing Capri for extortion. According to TMZ, Charlie's lawsuit states that Capri threatened to fuck with his probation unless he handed over a million dollars. Charlie is currently on probation in Aspen, CO for changing the lyrics to George Michael's "Last Christmas" from "I gave you my heart" to "I gave you a knife to the froat".

The lawsuit is kind of hilarious and should come with its own laugh track. Charlie says that Capri tried to "embarrass him" and cause "damage to his career" by spitting out lies to the media and prosecutors in Aspen. Charlie says that he never whooped that trick and acted like "a total gentlemen" the entire time.

A total gentlemen?! Tell that to the family of the chandelier lamp he viciously murdered! A total gentlemen would've given Capri a hotel robe or a napkin to put on before she locked herself in the bathroom. A total gentlemen would've offered her a snort of his coke appetizer before throwing a Chippendale chair at her ass. A total gentlemen would've calmly sat on the sofa with his legs crossed while he called her a dumb stupid whore whose got his $165,000 watch shoved up her snatch hole. That's how a TOTAL gentlemen behaves!

Charlie is also suing for the $165,000 watch he swears Capri stole. Capri's lawyer responded to the lawsuit with this statement to People:

"It's a blatant attempt by them to muddy the waters and confuse the situation. They are throwing a bunch of mud at the wall and hoping something will stick.

At the beginning of the night he was acting as a gentleman, but not at the end when he was threatening to kill her."

And why do I think that OctoSana and Mel Gibson will throw a plagiarism lawsuit at Charlie and Capri for stealing their act!

Charlie Sheen wants everyone to stop taking a hot air pump to "that night at The Waldorf Plaza" and blowing it up! So a coked up Charlie put the fear in a pay-for-play porn star and forced her to lock herself in a bathroom. SO WHAT! So Charlie viciously tortured and murdered several pieces of furniture. SO WHAT! So Denise Richards has to dive for her TV's off switch when Charlie Sheen's name comes up on the news around her daughters. SO WHAT! Everybody needs to stick their culitos on an ice pack, because it's really not that serious. When Extra asked Charlie about his missing $150,000 watch, he had this to say:

"The way I look at it, if you have expensive tastes, you gotta be prepared for expensive losses. If a guy has one bad night everybody goes insane and panics... I'm not panicking."

"I'm not panicking"? I bet the porn star wishes Charlie would've chanted that mantra before he flew into a coke rage and accused her of sticking his watch up her cooch, or whatever. But seriously, Charlie has it all wrong. It wasn't a bad night for him, it was a good night! I mean, it's not like the cops found a dead goat, a random severed hand, and a family of refugees making meth on a hot plate in the closet. Wait, did anybody check the closet?

Charlie Sheen, the star of a rape monster's favorite show, is adding Brooke Mueller's name to the list of ex-wives he has to write a child support and alimony check out to every single month. 10 months after Charlie said Merry Christmas to his wife Brooke by her choking her ass out, he has filed for divorce. A straight blast of SHOCK to the eyes, I know. I would say that Charlie can now freely fall into a mattress covered with pussy peddler puss without feeling guilty about it, but he did that shit while he had a wedding ring on so play on... play on...

TMZ says that Charlie and Brooke already worked out all the details of their divorce settlement all the way back in May shortly after they quit each other. According to the documents, Charlie will give Brooke around $757k for dealing with his fuckery for almost 2 years. Brooke has to move all of her shit out of Charlie's house, but his checking account is filling her checking account with $1 million for her troubles. Grand total so far: $1,757,000 plus

Brooke will have primary custody of their 1-year-old twin boys and Charlie will get to see them every now and again. Charlie will write Brooke a child support check for $55,000 each month. Brooke wants to make sure that her chirruns are living as high as Denise Richards' chirruns, so she added this little clause: "Under no circumstances shall the child support paid by Charlie for Bob and Max be less than the child support paid by Charlie to Denise Richards for Sam and Lola."

Lying in the bathroom stall of a T.G.I. Friday's somewhere, a single tear trickles down White Oprah's tangerine cheek... White Oprah has always dreamed of the day she can add a clause like that into her divorce settlement. Seriously, White Oprah better snort that line of crushed Adderall off the toilet seat, pick herself up and get to Charlie Sheen's side ASAP! It's only a matter of time before Charlie looks into the face of the trick he just did a line of coke off of and realizes that he wants her to be his future ex-wife. It might as well be White Oprah! A match like that is written in the glazed eyes of every West Coast dealer!

The naked trick who locked herself in a bathroom out of fear that Charlie Sheen would bring harm upon her by making her watch a full episode of Two and a Half Men has been IDed as 22-year-old fuck film star Capri Anderson (government name: Christina Walsh).

Capri is not only known as the latest piece who has stared into Charlie's engorged coke eyes, but now she's known as the porn star who has starred in some of the most boringly named movies ever (examples: Damn She's A Lesbian, Until There Was You, Meow, Girlz Town, and Matt's Models 11). Well, now that she's linked to Charlie Sheen she can dazzle up her resume a bit by starring in movies called Twelve and a Half Inches, Hot Shots! Part Doo Doo (do not ask what that one's about), Sugarwall Street, Eight Men In, Peentoon, etc...

TMZ says that Capri and Charlie met for the first time on Monday night for dinner with a bunch other people at Daniel. Denise Richards stopped by for a quick second but the flaming foolery blasting from the table was too much for her to deal with so she jumped onto the evacuation slide and went back to The Plaza. Flash forward to Charlie's freakout...

Capri told police that Charlie didn't accuse her of stealing his wallet as has been reported, he thought she took one of his expensive watches. Even though Capri denied snatching his watch (cut to her snatch spitting out his watch hours later as Capri cackles), Charlie still went on a rampage. Capri's story is that she didn't take anything belonging to Charlie. Capri is also telling friends that Charlie never paid her to get nekkid ass nekkid and she doesn't appreciate that she's been painted as a leased whore.

Wait. So Capri wants people to know that she was willing to suck on Charlie's soft serve cokey cock for FREE?! Like, no dinero exchanged? Since Charlie was allegedly coked up like Parasite Hilton's pussy, it might have taken Capri hours upon hours to get Charlie's peen semi awake. And she was going to do that without him passing her a white envelope across the dresser?! I can't look at you anymore, Capri!

Just when I was about to give her the nickname CAPRI SUN, the bitch puts a dark cloud over all us whores. I wouldn't care if the police threw me in the hooker pen for committing acts of prostitution whoring. Sitting on the concrete floor in a cold cell is better than admitting to giving Charlie Sheen an on-the-house-fuck.

There's more pictures of Capri (NSFW) at her website. Do not click if you're going to have Quaker's Strawberries & Cream Instant Oatmeal for breakfast.

Charlie Sheen stuffed half of White Oprah's night time stash up his nostrils, drank a Hoff load of the sweet nectar, brutally murdered a crystal chandelier and forced a nekkid ass nekkid call girl to lock herself in the bathroom out of sheer fear, but yet he's simply brushing the crusted vomit flakes off his chest and going back to life like none of that happened. People reports that Carlos Estevez is back in Los Angeles to shoot a cameo in a friend's movie on Friday before he takes his ass back to earn the Two and a Half Men set next week. Meanwhile, the craziest thing Jon Cryer has ever done is use cinnamon toothpaste that one time instead of mint and yet he'll never ever collect a bigger paycheck than Charlie Sheen. Being Charlie Sheen is fun!!! Being Charlie Sheen's liver, not so fun.

TMZ adds that even though Charlie has been in and out of Promises in Malibu during the past few months, he has no plans to return for more treatment. Apparently, people around Charlie are like "Um, I think I see the Grim Reaper sashaying up behind you" but that hasn't slowed him down and he just wants to move past the whole "screaming hooker in the bathroom" thing.

As for Denise Richards, she's been making the rounds promoting some show and she isn't say much about her ex-husband busting into a cokey-sponsored tornado of rage right across the hall from her daughters. On Joy Behar's show last night, the former cyborg pussy peddler basically only said, “I do know what happened and I did help him at the hospital. My daughters are five and six years old. They’re at an age where they can start to understand. They have no idea what went on.”

Charlie Sheen can turn whatever is left of his brains into overcooked Malt-O-Meal and trash a fancy hotel room on a Tuesday, and then he can non-nonchalantly skip into his job and collect a $1.6 million pay check the next week. And the only thing he'll get from his co-workers is a slightly awkward "Well, at least they didn't find a dead hooker" side-eye. Why hasn't White Oprah shown up to the Two and a Half Men set in a wedding dress to propose marriage to Charlie?!

Charlie Sheen's life is just a leased Mercedes that keeps crashing into a ditch over and over again. It gets pulled out, dusted off and then it goes careening down the hill again. Well, Charlie's latest crash happened early this morning at The Plaza Hotel in NYC. The police were called after Charlie trashed his hotel suite in a drunken rage. Sources say that Charlie accused an unidentified woman (aka a premium pussy peddler) of stealing his wallet. Charlie is in town for a family trip with his ex-wife Denise Richards. Yeah, some hos like to end a day with the family by sucking on a bong filled with whatever in a Calgon bath, but Charlie likes to end it by snorting a speedball off a whore's labia before beating up a chandelier.

The New York Post says that the police found Charlie fucked up in more ways than one, so they took him to the nearest hospital. Denise Richards went with him, because if anybody's an expert at johns gone wild, she is.

But the plot thickens like the vomit rising from a call girl's froat when she finds out she has to fuck on Charlie Sheen. A different source tells Life & Style that when police walked into the suite, Charlie was passed out on the bed and the hooker was locked inside of a closet screaming her clit off. The source painted this lovely picture, "She was fearing for her life and was naked. Charlie was incoherent but started screaming slurs at the cops. They recognized him immediately and gave him two options: they could take him to the hospital or take him down to the station. Charlie chose the hospital."

TMZ is hearing that Charlie was hospitalized with a serious case of the drunks, but others are saying that the bitch OD'ed.

Locking a nekkid call girl in the closet? This cunt plug really knows how to throw a party. You know, I would say that Charlie is getting too old for this shit, but he's never going to be too old for this shit. In 30 years, The New York Post will have a story about how Charlie was found passed out on his walker with an IV drip full of vodka in his arm and a paid piece from the Hos 4 Olds Agency locked in his nursing home toilet room.

UPDATE: Charlie's rep has a good one for you. His rep took to the mic at amateur night and said that Charlie merely had "an allergic reaction to some medication" and will be released from the hospital tomorrow. Always blaming the dealer. The dealer must have cut his shit with the wrong stuff which made him beat up a chandelier and lock a call girl in the closet. The surgeon general should put that warning on every 8-ball.

Charlie Sheen won't spend one second in a jail cell for celebrating the holiday season by beating on his wife Brooke Mueller in Aspen, Colorado on Christmas Day. Lady Justice better change her e-mail address right now, because White Oprah just popped a Dexedrine and is about to go off on her in 1,000 words or more!

TMZ reports that as part of a plea deal with the Pitkin County D.A., Charlie pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab instead of the clink. And since Charlie already spent time at Promises in Malibu earlier this year, he will receive credit for time served. That means Charlie simply has to sashay into Promises, sign in, tell the receptionist that she has nice tits, sign out and then stroll back out to his Mercedes where a call girl with an 8-ball on her lap is waiting for him.

Charlie was also ordered to 3 months probation and 36 hours of anger management (which he's already completed).

So Charlie tried to shank his wife in the neck and his punishment is a day trip to Malibu? The moral of this story is that if you ever want to do bad shit just make sure you have at least 10 IMDB credits to your name and a parking spot at Warner Bros so you don't have to do any real time!! YAY!

Even Charlie Sheen's cars can't stand his ass, because another one was found at the bottom of a cliff near his home in the Hollywood Hills yesterday. Charlie is throwing up his hands and claiming he doesn't know shit. Charlie played the same card 4 months ago when the police found one of his Mercedes at the bottom of a ditch. It was reported as a theft.

TMZ says the police think something in the milk ain't clean, because this is the second time in 4 months this has happened. The first time it happened there were similar car thefts around the neighborhood, so the police closed the file and didn't pursue it. But this time, Charlie Sheen's car was the only bitch thrown off the cliff.

Charlie's side of the story is that he accidentally left his keys in the car when he came home yesterday afternoon. Charlie left his car in the driveway of his house, which is in a gated community, at 4pm and that was the last time he saw it. The cops are expected to pay a visit to the security guard booth to see if they have a video of the car leaving the community.

This is why Charlie and his cokehead mess of a wife need to teach their twin boys how to snatch the car keys away when mommy and daddy have been taking too much of their medicine. Eff teaching them how to walk! Teach them how to hide the keys first.

There's a few theories floating around as to what is going on. Some seem to think that thieves know that Charlie is a dumb fuck who leaves his keys in the car so they hide in his trash cans waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Some seem to think that Charlie is a little behind on the invoices from his drug dealer so this how they are threatening to his ass. Others say that Charlie is just a cokehead who can't drive. But I think that the security camera video is going to show this precious still:

You can't see him here, but Irv Richards is hiding in the back seat.

CBS must not care that Charlie Sheen just finished rehab, might be on his way to jail for domestic abuse, and is probably only able to breathe through his mouth due to crusted over cokegers blocking his nasal passage, because they have just signed him on for two more years of Two and a Half Men. Charlie was keeping his legs closed, because he wanted more money out of the network and it looks like he got it.

Variety (via USA Today) has it on good authority that Charlie is getting nearly $2 million per episode. This makes him the highest paid actor in television. The one-man call girl bailout had this to say, "To put a fitting end on the 2 1/2 months of whirlwind speculation, I'm looking forward to returning to my CBS home on Monday nights."

But what about the kid on that show? How much is he stuffing into the shoe box under his bunk bed? CBS has already injected him with all kinds of dwarf hormones to keep him "half a man" forever, so I'm really afraid for his future. That's why he should cross his little arms and demand millions from CBS, so he won't have to sell his autographed underoos in the future.