Charlie Sheen put his at-home rehab treatment on pause for a quick second to visit with the UCLA baseball team yesterday and he gave them a motivational speech that will surely keep their fingers from walking towards the crack pipe. Right before they all laughed at his crack damaged ass, Charlie told the players: "Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk." Here fucking here! Well, unless you're lactose intolerant, suffering from child obesity or got a hernia that don't quit. In that case, stick with the crack.
And this is probably what Nancy Reagan was really trying to say with that "Just Say No" shit.
Taking a break from his at-home rehab treatment, Charlie Sheen issued his first public statement and thanked his bosses at CBS for giving him a few weeks to try to curb his thirst for crack smoke and 21 and over juice.
“I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people. I want to say ‘thank-you’ to my fellow cast members, the crew of Two and a Half Men and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros., especially Les Moonves and Bruce Rosenblum for their concern and support. And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much. Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, ‘thank-you.’”
Very nice. But there's probably a hidden message somewhere in that statement begging ANYONE to please hide a porn flip book in his script, because Charlie must get vagina in some kind of medium!!!!!!! And Charlie really doesn't have to worry about putting his sword down. It's been dull for months and it couldn't cut the stray hair on a porn star's landing strip. What Charlie should really do is put down the suitcase of coke for a minute. It'd help his hernia too.
And while I was researching this highly important news story, I read this little piece of info on the Charlie Sheen of the Golden Age of Hollywood, Errol Flynn:
Flynn had a reputation for his womanizing, consumption of alcohol and brawling. His freewheeling, hedonistic lifestyle caught up with him in November 1942 when two under-age girls, Betty Hansen and Peggy Satterlee, accused him of statutory rape. A group was organized to support Flynn, named the American Boys' Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn (ABCDEF); its members included William F. Buckley, Jr.
If you're interested, there's a sign up sheet for the American Boys' Club for the Defense of Charlie Sheen (ABCDEFULLOFSHIT) hanging on the wall in the back of 20-20 Video in Hollywood. Sadly, Charlie won't buy you a Bentley or repeatedly blow crack smoke in your face if you join.
All those "Charlie Sheen Goes to Rehab" headlines are wrong, because the motherfucker isn't going anywhere to try to brush off his thirst for crack, the sweet nectar and other fun stuff. Charlie doesn't go to rehab, rehab goes to Charlie! TMZ reports that Charlie doesn't want nosy hos leaking (the first time in history he's ever been opposed to a leaky ho) all the details of his rehab stay, so CBS and Warner Bros. found him addiction expert that will live in his mansion and help him to get clean.
Well, I guess it might be distracting for other patients when Charlie Sheen's critiquing porn in his room at 3am and loudly complaining that the cream in the cream pie doesn't look authentic, so he's just being conscientious.
TMZ also says that Charlie's at-home rehab treatment will take 3 long months, which means Two and a Half Men will be dark for that long, which means that the crew will have to look elsewhere for a check.
But fear not for those crew members! Now that Charlie is doing the rehab equivalent of the DIY gastric bypass kit, they just have to temporarily get jobs as porn stars, hookers, hernia masseuses or drug dealers if they don't want their income affected. I mean, they already know Charlie and CBS knows their direct deposit information, so the job transfer should go smoothly.
Hernia survivor and avid porn star collector Charlie Sheen supposedly texted a sort of statement to Radar's executive editor right before he crippled every drug dealer's source of income by checking into rehab last night. It sounds like Charlie's counselors are going to have a really good time with him. Especially when he attacks a chandelier after finding out the rehab clinic doesn't have a 24-hour porn theater or a community crack pipe. Hopefully, the employee water cooler at the rehab clinic is spiked with Xanax.
This is what Charlie supposedly had to say:
"I'm fine. People don't seem to get it.... Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds.”
Most of bitch's internal organs probably wish they were turds so they could slide out of his asshole towards freedom. Charlie is right, though. If he wants to watch fuck films for 10 hours straight while increasing his daughter's future therapy bills with every puff from a crack pipe, then that's his shit! If he wants to write some porn star a $30,000 check JUST BECAUSE, then let him. And yeah, Charlie did just that. File that under: things you only do when you're under the influence of CRACK. Screw the bailout and fart on college. Being one of Charlie's porn star pieces is where the real money is at. Stuff your titties into a pink latex bra and get in line. I'll be the one in the blonde kitchen ass wig.
This is really just an excuse to post a picture of Charlie Sheen from Red Dawn looking like a delicately sweet twink who smells like pan dulce, Giorgio for Men and Sebastian mousse forte. Those were the days. But it looks like Charlie's current days will be filled with black coffee, cigarettes and shaking from not getting his hourly fix of shaved HD vagina, because his rep has announced to People that he's checked into an undisclosed rehab facility. Drug dealers in the L.A. and Las Vegas areas are wondering what the hell they're going to do now. Well, at least Charlie broke the news to them on a Friday, so they do have the weekend.
CBS has also announced that Two and a Half Men will takes a hiatus while Charlie tries to clean up. SNOW DAY FOR THE CAST! CBS issued this statement:
"Due to Charlie Sheen’s decision to enter a rehabilitation center, CBS, Warner Bros. Television and executive producer Chuck Lorre are placing Two and a Half Men on production hiatus," a statement released today said. "We are profoundly concerned for his health and well-being, and support his decision."
Concerned about his health and well-being? Charlie is so damn selfish. What about the 19-year-old porn stars out there who really need a Bentley, a condo payment and a check from a tabloid for an interview about their night with Charlie? What about them?!!!!!
Charlie Sheen is back out on the loose just a day after a hernia issue cut his coke & cooch party short and put him in the emergency room. Charlie's dad Martin Sheen wants to put him in rehab, but he's simply brushing off the dried-up tears from his liver and will drag himself onto the set of Two and a Half 8 Balls on Tuesday morning. You can't keep a good cokehead/drunk/pornoholic down for long! The doctors probably just told Charlie to wear a lifting belt before he handles overweight lines of coke and porn DVDs.
There's a million details from a million places about what went on during Charlie's 36-hour binge. Here's a few details below which you can add to your "Dear Obama, Please give Charlie Sheen the purple hernia award for being an American hero" letter, or your "Dear CBS, Please cancel TAAHM and greenlight a Charlie Sheen reality show instead" letter.
1. Kacey Jordan (Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was TRACY JORDAN?), the 22-year-old porn star who was with Charlie during some of his binge, says that he mostly spent time getting drunk, smoking coke through a green pipe and watching hours and hours of porn in his screening room. Charlie promised to buy Kacey a blue Bentley and told her he has plans to rent out a mansion near his house that all his favorite porn stars can live in.
What Kacey's basically saying is that Charlie wants to start his own cult. Emphasis on the C in cult since the two objects of worship will be coke and chocha. Heaven's Gate without the Nikes or mass suicide. That's for those of you writing the "American hero" letter. (TMZ, TMZ)
2. Adrienne Maloof-Nassif of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and her husband Dr. Nassif are the ones who called 911 for Charlie. They live near Charlie and they got a call from someone at his house asking for medical advice. Dr. Nassif told them to call 911 before calling it himself.
Hopefully, Dr. Nassif also asked the paramedics to stop buy his house to forcefully pull those dreadful fiber optic tinsel strings out of his wife's hair. (People)
3. About that hernia. One of Charlie's friends claims that he's had it a long time and it got worse yesterday when he laughed too hard while watching TV. Well, we know that bitch wasn't watching Two and a Half Men, that's for damn sure. Or maybe he was watching TAAHM and laughed at the fact that he gets paid $2 million an episode for that shit. That's a valid laugh. But really, it's his liver was that doing the laughing. Laughing to keep from crying. (Extra)
That's that...for now. There's a good chance you'll see an encore of this post against next week when Charlie does it all over again!
Charlie Sheen is still in the hospital with stomach problems (acokecitis or extra-large cokestones) and more details are coming out about his 24-hour porn star party fueled by booze and the bad shit. Let's start with the porn stars. 22-year-old Kacey Jordan reportedly Tweeted this picture (click here if you want to see the NSFW labia Charlie probably did lines off of) of her peek-a-boo pussy while spending time at Charlie's house yesterday afternoon. It's nice to see that Charlie gargles his urethra out with mouthwash and Lysol wipes his perma-soft dick before slapping it on a porn star's forehead. Charlie should host a show called "How Clean Is Your Ho?" when he gets out of the hospital.
Radar reports that Kacey wasn't the only porn star at Charlie's party. 19-year-old Melanie Rios was with Charlie this morning when his stomach convulsed and tried to escape out of his asshole. Melanie left Charlie's house right after he was taken to the hospital. Now on to the bad shit....
Someone who was at Charlie's house last night tells TMZ that during his 36-hour booze and bagina binge party, a dealer showed up with a briefcase full of cocaine. Who knows how many bricks of Lohan powder Charlie picked up, but the source says that he started snorting that shit up his nostrils almost immediately. This might've been the silver bullet that fucked up Charlie's insides. TMZ also reports that doctors have diagnosed Charlie with a hiatal hernia. They don't think he overdosed, but one of the causes of a hiatal hernia is cocaine use. One of the causes is also "straining" and you know that motherfucker uses every muscle and nerve in his body to try to make a whisper of a boner. Bitch pushes so hard that instead of making a hard thing come up in the front, he makes a hard thing come out of the back. Not a good look.
So to recap, TMZ claims that Charlie didn't OD and is simply suffering from a hernia he's had for years. Charlie drank enough booze to keep one of my family reunions going for at least 2 hours, snorted half of Scarface and dry humped on several porn stars for hours. But yet it's only a hernia that put him out? Damn, I guess they better start slapping "WARNING: Lift with Care" labels on vodka bottles, cocaine bricks and porn stars.
This is what Charlie Sheen gets for asking his leased pussy peddlers to give him a speedball enema followed by a gerbil chaser. Charlie ended up on top of a hospital bed with "suffering from severe abdominal pains" written on his medical file. TMZ reports that at around 6:30 this morning, an ambulance was called to Charlie's house. Sources say that the paramedics rolled Charlie out on a stretcher and two young ladies followed behind him. There was a towel covering part of Charlie's face.
Neighbors say that they think Charlie was having a party at his house last night, because they heard a bunch of girls singing to the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Note from a doctor: RHCP karaoke will lead to severe internal pains) all night long.
Charlie's rep confirms that he's in the hospital now and his father and mother are with him. Another source tells TMZ that Charlie is waiting for test results to come back and they think "it's serious."
I swear, Charlie's liver is wondering what it has done in a past life to deserve this kind of treatment. And Charlie already spends tens of thousands of dollars on call girls a week and now he's going to have to cut a percentage of Denise Richards' child support check in order to spend even more. I mean, CPR certified call girls don't come cheap.
TMZ recently posted an e-mail Charlie Sheen apparently sent to a paid pussy peddler he found on an escort emporium called CityVibe. Charlie bragged that he's an A-list actor before requesting the services of Ginger. The e-mail, which was sent at 8:30am from AOL, is below. If you need a quick afternoon buzz, print it out, chop it into a million pieces and quickly snort it up like the P.A. from Two and a Half Men is knocking on your dressing room door.
Subject: Your Cityvibe Ad
From: Charlie Sheen <[redacted]@aol.com>
Date: Mon, January 10, 2011 8:37 am
U are fabulous!
I'm an A-list actor that you mite like to meet… Ure fone is dead and out of service ….
Sent from my iPhone
Radar reports that Ginger answered Charlie's cooch call and showed up to his suite at The Palms at 9 that morning . Ginger stuffed $10,000 into her cleavage for 4 hours of her time and a source says that Charlie paid two other call girls $8,000 each for dealing with his ass.
The source says that Ginger told them Charlie took his nostrils for a ride on the Colombian trail in front of her and stayed higher than a politician during their 4 hours together. But Charlie plans to ring for Ginger in the future, "Charlie told Ginger this wasn't just a one night stand and that he plans to reconnect with her during the next time he is in Las Vegas."
$10,000 for only 4 hours work might sound like Charlie Sheen overpaid, but he really didn't. Getting on Charlie Sheen is a dirty job that Mike Rowe wouldn't even try to tackle. Ginger probably had to let out a bunch of fraudulent "oooh aaaaah uuuuuhs" while trying not to weep from staring at Charlie Sheen's terrifying coke eyes. I mean, Charlie is probably the worst at fucking and you have to give an Oscar-worthy performance to keep him happy.
You know he finger bangs like he's trying to lift up a stuck car trunk. When Charlie gnaws on your nipple, it looks like he's eating a bowl of open faced lasagna without any hands. And a bitch can suffocate from trying not to breathe in Charlie's nasty ass coke bref! Ginger had to use a good chunk of that $10,000 to buy every bottle of Listerine at Walgreens so she could bathe in it and get Charlie's stank off her skin. It's hard out there for Charlie's whores.
Charlie Sheen could lick the vomit out of a warthog's mouth while a trick in a priest's outfit bones him in the butt with a strap-on made from recycled CROCS and an elephant wearing a human skin poncho pisses on his head from above, and I'd still shrug my shoulders and let out an EH. But now he's gone way too far and should be shut down. TMZ says that on the night Charlie got boozed and partied with porn star Bree Olson, Nazi slut Bombshell McGee came up to the suite and was his #2 girl. This is fitting since Bombshell looks like a #2. Bitch looks what came out of my dog's ass the time he ate pieces of his rainbow parrot toy.
Earlier in the night, Bree and Bombshit made out during Pauly Shore's comedy show at The Palms. When the show was over, Bree invited Bombshit upstairs to join Charlie Sheen's party. Bombshit and her friend showed up a few hours later and found themselves in the middle of a sea of hos. Bombshit stayed for a couple of hours and nobody knows what exactly went down.
The party is over and it's time to hang up your coke straw when you start fucking on Bombshell's swasticooch. No sir, done. What a mess. You know that when Charlie and Bombshell touched tongues, we all had a damn outbreak. The lights at the CDC's headquarters flickered and gonorrhea warts sprouted out of everyone's genitals to worship their new king and queen! Hmm. Come to think of it, that would explain that something I got my something this weekend. Update my file at the free clinic!